This Heart Renewed
by orchidmoon22
Summary: 9 years ago Bella Swan had a surgery that saved her life.  A humble survivor, she is making a life for herself in a new town.  Along the way she meets Edward Masen. Quiet, dark, cold, angry.  Can she bring him back to life? Or will the truth ruin it all?
1. Chapter 1

**December 2002**

I had become very familiar with the tile pattern in the ceiling of the St Mary's Hospital's third floor. It was pale blue and white, checkerboard style. I had counted them about a million times through each shot, each check up. All my life these tiles had been the back drop to bad news from countless doctors, sympathetic looks from middle aged nurses, and Charlie's concerned and gentle face.

I had never ridden a bike, never played in gym class. Sports were out of the question. I hated the words 'careful' and 'fragile.' They seemed to define me and I didn't even get to choose them myself. I was born with them.

I _was_ a small, fragile looking girl. Pale skin, auburn hair, brown eyes, a sprinkling of freckles across my nose and shoulders, thin, average height. Charlie called me baby girl all the time. A term of endearment and a poke at my small stature. He said when I was born, I was so tiny that he thought I'd stay that little forever.

Sometimes I wish I could have. Babies don't know enough to be afraid of things. Things like heart conditions and transplant waiting lists.

When I was younger I was more restless, more willing to test my limits. I didn't respond to the word '_no_.' I'd sneak out of my bedroom, down the stairs to the back door so I could cross the reservation lines and swing on Jacob Black's swing set. It was so thrillingly bad. I was constantly either in my room or in the hospital. I wanted the outdoors so badly. To me, it looked like heaven.

My hometown of Forks, Washington may have been a little rainy, but it was _so green_.

I used to tell my dad that if I had a normal heart I'd live in a tree. That way I could be outside all the time. He would laugh and kiss my forehead, but his laughter never met his eyes. I became accustomed to this.

I would spend hours in my room looking through botanical books and field guides. I planted little clay pots of flowers along our front porch. I wasn't much of an artist, but I had sketchbooks full of flowers and plants, leaves and trees, mountains and meadows. If I looked at the pictures enough, I could pretend I was out there.

I tried for a long time to defy my reality. The reality that my heart was becoming too weak to support me. Days after night time adventures like visiting Jake... I would end up spending them in bed. My childhood was a constant struggle for normalcy despite the fact that I knew I wouldn't get it.

My condition became worse as I got older. Now here I was. I was fifteen. And it was official.

I was dying.

Nobody straight out said it. They didn't have to. They spoke in doctor language, lacing it with the smallest bit of positivity they were obligated to give Charlie and I. But positivity is different than hope. I could see in their eyes that they had run out of that.

All we could do was wait.

I had been waiting for a new heart for 7 months and 18 days on the transplant lists. A transplant was my only shot. But waiting had taken even more of a toll on my body. I was the weakest I'd ever been. Constantly on oxygen and crash carted twice in the last month.

I didn't curse very often but even in my own head I knew..._this is scary shit._

The frustration of waiting was indescribable. Charlie had been battling the insurance companies relentlessly, trying to get the transplant covered. It took him four years to get it approved. He never gave up. My other medical bills were helped along by Charlie's hard work and my grandmother's trust fund. And now we couldn't tell if it was too late.

I flexed my fingers on the stiff blue sheets beneath my hands, feeling the tight pinch of one of the million IVs in my hands and arms. I had just woken up from a cat nap, one of many I would take throughout each day. My eye lids were heavy and barely parted, but I could see that it was late. The windows were dark and the lamp across the room was on. I heard the scratching, low mumble of the television. I listened until I recognized the show. Family Guy. Jake must be here.

I opened my eyes further and saw Charlie and Jake, both asleep sitting up on the visitor couch. Charlie slept there most nights. He was all I had. My mom left us soon after she found out about my condition. I don't remember much of her. I don't miss her either if I'm honest. You can't miss what you never knew.

Not really.

I wondered where she was and what she thought of me. If she ever thought of me at all. If she ever felt guilty for leaving. Or if she had a new family. New kids with normal hearts and health problems only as dramatic as a seasonal cold. Lucky her.

The nurses had decorated my room a little bit for the holidays. Shining tinsel garlands framed the television screens and the windows, crudely placed with old scotch tape. Suddenly I thought about dying. Would I still be here for Christmas this year? The gravity of it all hit me in waves. It was terrifying. Sometimes I felt calm about it. Other times I felt horribly angry with God. It was just so unfair.

Other times I felt...maybe it would be easier if I go. I thought of Charlie. He hadn't been in a relationship since Renee. He worked himself into an early old age trying to pay my medical bills. Not to mention when he was home I was under constant surveillance. He always took care of me. He dealt with every symptom, all my tears, all the struggle I gave him, every episode, every collapse, every hospital trip. Nothing about being my father was easy.

Maybe if I was gone he would let himself find someone again. Move on. Be happy. Not work so much. Take a fishing trip...something he hadn't done since I was three.

I thought of Jake too. My best friend. Not many fifteen year olds would jump at the chance to spend hours in a hospital, spending time with a person who had to take deep rasping breaths between phrases. I had become the slowest conversationist ever. Jake was my own personal cheerleader. He never ever let me get down on myself. Never let me give up, even when I wanted to. His sense of humor never allowed me to be sad for very long. He grew to be very protective of me. He attached himself to my side at school when I was well enough to go. When I wasn't well enough to attend, he would ride his bike over to St Mary's before he even went home. Sometimes he would water my little plants on the front porch and bring me a new flower from a healthy growing clay pot on my front steps.

I'd only seen him sad once in my entire life. We were eleven. It was the beginning of my decline really. It was the first time he had ever seen me really really sick. I'd collapsed in his backyard, playing. I woke up to his father Billy talking swiftly into a phone, calling for an ambulance. And there was Jake, looking smaller than I was used too, with fat tears running down his cheeks and panic written all over his face. He was holding on tight to my hand and sniffling. Frantically watching his dad on the phone and looking back at me.

I asked him later at the hospital if he really cried because of me. He said "No way, I'm a man. We don't cry ever. We build houses and drive cars and rap."

I chuckled to myself at the memory. Jake really did think he could rap. Recently he had taken to using my steady, loud, rasping breaths as a base beat for his 'rhymes.' He could always make me laugh.

I didn't want to die. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to stay for Christmas. But watching the snow fall outside my window, I wasn't sure what would happen. People die every day. Why was I special? Why did I deserve it?

I didn't know how to answer that.

Jake let out a snort in his sleep that shook Charlie awake over on the couch. He wiped his eyes and looked around slowly, as if remembering where he was. He looked defeated and tired. His eyes found mine.

"Hey kiddo. You're up?"

I nodded. Too tired to respond verbally. It took too long. Too much energy.

"You doin' okay?"

Nod.

He paused for a minute, his eyes looking me over. I wondered what I looked like to him. I had grown even thinner over the last few months. My hair had dulled, and my eyes had become dark rings. His expression was a painful one. He sighed deeply and looked away. So sad. The sorrow was radiating off of him.

Had he given up?

"Listen kiddo..."

He had. I could hear it before he even said anything. He'd given up. Were we going to talk about it? Was he going to tell me that I should be prepared for the worst? Was he going to ask what my wishes were? Was he going to say goodbye? My eyes clouded with tears and I looked away from him, taking in another ragged breath from my oxygen mask. Of course he heard me and looked up. Seeing my expression, the words caught in his throat and he put a weak smile on his face. Whatever he had wanted to say, he buried it.

"Hey, hey...no tears, baby girl. It's okay. I was just gonna..." he sighed, looking me over once more. "I was just gonna grab a cup of coffee. I'll be back."

I watched his figure disappear through the door, stray tears leaking out the corner of my eyes. It had been a long battle. Not just for me, but for both of us. And recently it felt like we couldn't hold out much longer. Maybe it was time. Time to go. I couldn't even believe I was getting ready to die at fifteen. _To die_. Would it hurt?

Who was I kidding. It already did. My heart...what little was left of it...dropped.

"Don't cry Bell." I heard Jacob's voice. He stood from the couch and came to my bedside with a tissue. He was so tall now. He voice hardly cracked anymore and his shoulders were too big for the rest of him. He looked grown up almost.

I wanted to grow up too.

"You'll get snot in your mask." Jake warned with a laugh. I started to giggle with him but only broke out into some chest racking coughs.

"Easy! Easy...breathe, Bella. Jesus Christ..."

It took a me a minute until I was under control again but I managed. Charlie re-entered the room looking frazzled.

"Bella? I thought I heard coughing..."

I shook my head at him and Jake interpreted as usual.

"Nah, she's okay now." he said. "Where did you go Chief?"

"Well I was going to get coffee, but it looks like they are pretty busy out there. Bus accident from what I heard."

Jake's eyes got bigger and he looked at me excitedly.

"Bella! Maybe-"

"Jacob enough." Charlie interrupted. But I could see the hope in his eyes too. A flutter in my stomach began.

If someone in the accident was a donor...

All three of us at once turned somber, realizing how horrible it was to hope that someone else would die already so I could live. I didn't want that. I didn't want anyone to die for me. I'd talked to Charlie before about it. I hated the thought that someone's life had to end for mine to continue. He knew my thoughts just by looking at me.

_Why was I special? Why did I deserve it_? My eyes filled with tears again.

Charlie crossed the room and sat down at the end of my bed, taking my hand. He was careful of my IV as he enclosed my small hand in his large calloused one.

"Bella, nobody wants a new heart for you more than me. As horrible as the circumstances are, whoever gives you their heart will always be in my prayers and thoughts. I will always be thankful to them for saving my little girl. I know how you feel about it, but I'm going to pray even harder for that heart tonight. Everything happens for a reason."

I closed my eyes and nodded, not bothering to open them again. So many emotions, so much hope and fear together at once was enough to kill me anyway.

So instead I slept.

It was 1:32 am when I felt a hand softly touch my forehead. I opened my eyes slowly to see my father's face shining with tears.

He was smiling.

It was a real smile. A big one. The biggest I'd seen in a few years now. It went all the way to his eyes. Doctor Wright was standing behind him looking on. He too was was wearing a smile.

"We got it, Bells."

_What_?

Within the hour I was being prepped for surgery. It was a blur of motion. Everything happened so fast. And I was so exhausted physically that I could do little but watch it all happen. I was washed and changed, moved to a different bed. My long wavy auburn hair was tucked under a surgical cap. Doctor jargon went in one ear and out the other, forms were signed, medical talk ensued.

Jake was talking excited as they started to wheel me towards the elevator to the surgery floor.

"Just think Bells! Soon you can ride bikes with me and we can go camping with my dad and the Clearwaters this summer! We can go to Aunt Sue's green house too you'd like that!..."

He continued to ramble. I watched his eyes as he spoke. It was a mixture of excitement and panic. My father's face held the same expression.

We all knew the risks. Just because I was getting a new heart didn't mean my body would accept it.

We came to the elevator doors. Charlie and Jake couldn't come with me any further.

This was it.

I was so tired. I always was. But the exhaustion was worse than I could ever remember. I gave both my dad and Jake a slow blink, trying to tell them I was ready for whatever happened. There was so much to say. Just in case. But I couldn't. Instead I worked up enough energy to whisper "I love you."

It seemed like the only important thing to say.

Charlie was crying now. Kissing my forehead and my hands. "I love you too honey. No matter what happens just know I love you so much." he choked.

I felt tears run down my cheeks. Even Jake looked a little glassy eyed.

"I'm not sayin goodbye Bells." he said, his voice squeaking. He cleared his throat and puffed his chest. "See you when you wake up."

Then he seemed to soften a little and he gently hugged me, careful of my IVs.

The nurses turned my gurney around to pull me into the elevator. I watched the doors close on my father and my best friend. I hoped beyond anything that I would see them again.

I felt the almost nauseating pull of the elevator as we went upwards. The doors dinged and once again I was moving. I heard many voices all at once in the space around me.

Charlie was right. They _were_ busy tonight.

Families waiting, a girl getting her head checked by a nurse on the floor, beds along the hallway with patients being treated who didn't have a room, an older man shouting, looking for someone. It was madness up here.

I tried to ignore the guilt welling up inside me. There was just a horrendous accident, a terrible tragedy...and I was benefiting from it. I swallowed a thick sob. The gurney moving too quickly for me to count my blue and white ceiling tiles.

My bed chugged along, further down the hallways towards the double swinging doors of the OR. Down here there were less beds along the walls, it became quieter. A deep calm settled over me unexplainably. It was as if my whole world had become silent and slow moving.

I felt almost as if I were under water. I was ready for this. For whatever happened.

Sitting by the double doors was a boy. A nurse was tending to the cut that was bleeding profusely on his brow. His clothes were covered in blood and dirt. He was white as a ghost. Staring directly at the floor in front of him. The nurse was trying ask him questions, all of which he did not respond to. He just kept staring at the ground. He was so still.

As my bed pulled into his line of vision, he looked up at me abruptly.

He was the most beautiful boy I had ever seen. He wasn't much older than I was. His fair skin was stark white in contrast to the crimson running down his cheek. His face was angular, at the threshold of becoming more masculine. His hair was an interesting shade of copper brown. What wasn't matted with blood was a messy tousled mop on top of his head. His eyes were an intense green as he looked at me.

As I studied those eyes, I realized that he was looking at me, but he wasn't really seeing me. His mind was somewhere else. He had probably watched many people wheeled in and out of the double doors in front of me. He returned his gaze to the floor as I felt the doors push open at the foot of my bed.

Suddenly I was enveloped in the blue lights of the OR and the unique, clinical smell that is the surgery ward. I was leaving everything behind me as those doors swung shut.

Charlie, Jake, my life, my little bedroom, my potted plants and the swing set on the reservation.

And the boy in the the chair just outside.

I said a prayer for all it. I said one for me too. It was easy to close my eyes and keep them that way. I was asleep before the even put me out. I was too tired to even be afraid. All I could do was sleep and hope.

**Present Day**

"Lilies, Columbine, Tea Roses, Lavender, English Tulips, Peonies...Jake did you get the address I gave you for the delivery at two?"

"Yeah yeah yeahhh, Boss I got it."

Jacob Black's voice no longer squeaked at all. The giant hulking form of my best friend came into view around the corner of the cooler door. I was doing a quick inventory before I had to leave. I had to actually jump to give him a hug now.

"Thanks for doing this Jake. You know I would do it myself if I didn't have a check up at 1:30." I gave him a kiss on the cheek and hopped down.

"I know you would. It's 1:15 now though, so get your ass movin' Bells. Tell Dr Wright I said _wassup_."

"Okay okay! Tell Mr and Mrs Schwartz I said happy anniversary when you drop those off. I'll be back in a bit."

"Fine. But you owe me lasagna for making me do a wedding drop off!" I heard his deep voice echo after me as I grabbed my house keys and skipped out the door.

I grabbed the handlebars of my bike and kicked the stand back into place before hopping on.

I ride my bike almost every day now.

I still remember opening my eyes for the first time after the surgery. It was as if I had been seeing things from behind a grey lens. And when I woke up, that shade of grey had been lifted. The room was brighter. Even the silly blue and white tiles looked more vibrant to me. My father's teary face had a tint of rose to it that I hadn't seen before.

Recovery took time, but I was grateful through every minute of it. I grew so much stronger than I had been. My new heart was proving to be compatible with the rest of me. Soon I could have full conversations without needing my mask. I was thrilled when I finally could come home from St Mary's.

That was nine years ago. Most transplant survivors aren't expected to last past five years. I had beaten the odds. I was now 24 years old.

It was as if this heart was _made_ for me.

I still had to be extremely careful. I took a significant amount of medication every single day to keep my immune system healthy. I got the flu once a few years after my surgery and had to be hospitalized again for about a week. Charlie thought for sure it was the early phase of organ rejection and it scared us both to death. But somehow I pulled through. Whoever owned this heart was as strong as an ox. The little part beating in my chest was a trooper. I was thankful for that every day.

I didn't go a single day without thinking of the person whose heart beat in my chest.

At my three month check up after the surgery, Dr Wright offered me a chance to communicate with the donor's family.

"_I won't give you their personal information nor will I give them yours. But you can write them an anonymous thank you letter if that helps you process the ordeal that you have been through. I'm sure it would bring the family some peace as well. The hospital will send it for you."_

I started that letter about a thousand times. How does one express the immense gratitude? How could my words bring comfort? They might hate me. I never really heard how the bus accident happened or how many were injured or lost. The recovery process was all consuming at the time and I know Charlie probably didn't want me to know the bloody details. Being the chief of police, he was briefed on the entire ordeal when he returned to work. He kept the details from me probably to protect me. And I let him. I didn't know if I could handle knowing.

It took me until my six month check up to finally give Dr Wright my letter. I wrote it on green paper with my favorite purple pen. I still think about it, till this very day. What did they feel when they read it? Were they happy now? Had they found any peace?

With my new heart seemed to come an entirely new body. (Although late blooming puberty helped that along as well.) I grew from a fragile girl into a lean young woman. Now that I was allowed to be more active, I took supreme care of my body. Suddenly I had grown a pair of boobs and a pretty decent back end. I didn't notice this myself until the end of high school when Jake beat the shit out of Mike Newton for staring at my ass.

Jake had grown up too. He was a giant. The star of the football team at his size. He attended school on the reservation while I went to Forks High, the one high school assigned to our small town. He texted me constantly when I first returned to school. He always made sure I was alright. It was sweet, but it drove me mad. I couldn't date much with his nosey attitude and his enormous, intimidating biceps constantly following me around. We had many blow outs, fighting about personal space and what was actually 'for my own good' and what wasn't. But thats how we always were. Brother and sister. He ended up getting into engineering and mechanics. He could build and fix just about anything and now he had his own business.

I think Charlie often wondered if Jake and I would ever date. Jake kissed me once at bonfire party on the res senior year. It was horrible...

"_Wow." he said abruptly._

"_Yeah. Wow." I laughed, wiping my mouth from the slobber he'd left there._

"_Sorry," he said, blushing in the dark. "I guess I just always wondered what that would be like...if...if there was anything there."_

"_What did you conclude?" I asked through a giggle. He started to chuckle along with me._

"_There's a reason we are best friends." We both burst out laughing, clutching our sides. He threw his arm around my shoulder and messed up my hair with his big bear claw hand. _

"_But I do love you Bells." I hugged my big brother bear._

"_I love you too, Jake."_

Jake and I graduated the same year. It was one of the biggest accomplishments for me. I'd been in and out of school my freshman year. But after the surgery I was determined to get back to school, to make friends, to get my diploma. But mostly to make Charlie proud.

Only Charlie, myself and Jake's family knew of my transplant. Them and Angela, my college room mate. Since I was home so much I was tutored there, and no one in town knew too much about me. I liked it that way I didn't appreciate being looked at differently. And if I was honest with myself, I knew that part of it was because I was afraid that if people knew, they might run away, like my mom. Not everyone was as understanding as loving as my dad.

I wore shirts that would cover my scar most of the time. And when I was feeling daring, I simply covered it up with mineral make up. Jacob's aunt, Sue Clearwater, gave it to me as a Christmas present one year. Luckily the scar rested pretty low. It began right in the center of my chest, between my breasts, and just at my bra line. If I had to cover it up with make up, I only had to cover the top of it. I was thankful for that.

The first time I looked at myself naked in the mirror after the surgery, I cried. I thought it was awful. But with time and with healing, it became a long, raised, pink line instead of a dark red and purple gash up my chest.

Charlie started dating Sue Clearwater, Jacob's aunt, the year I first when to college in Seattle. Charlie was hesitant to let me go. He called incessantly the first semester, constantly checking in on me. I understood. I would do anything for Charlie. And if that meant listing my medications as I took them just to assure him I was being careful, I would do it.

I came home during a fall break at school to find Sue cooking in our kitchen. It seemed she was over the house more and more. I liked having her there, and Charlie seemed to have a special smile just for her. Her first husband had died when Jake and I were babies. She and Charlie grew closer and closer until finally he told me Sue was moving in with him. He looked nervous to tell me the news, but he was so hopeful, so excited. And I didn't have a problem with it. If anything, I'd been waiting for something like this to happen. Charlie deserved happiness more than I anyone I knew.

Sue moved in the following spring, leaving her house on the reservation to her daughter Emily and her husband Sam, who were getting ready to start a family.

I loved living in Seattle. My college years were some of my favorite years. Most would be surprised to know that I actually spent most of my time alone. I did make great friends, like Angela and Ben, Jessica and Eric. Jake came to visit me as well. But I was an explorer while I lived there. Everything was new to me. I went for long walks and bike rides. I went out and saw the world. I didn't wait for anyone to come with me, I just left. Angela, my room mate at the time, became one of my best friends. She knew me well and never batted an eye lash if I wanted to get up in the middle of the night and go for a walk. I didn't go far enough to make anyone worry, I just liked stars. I liked the smell of night time on campus. I liked to visit the greenhouse when it was dark.

I went to school to study Botany. I worked for my professor for about a year and a half on his research team, but found I liked the simplicity of gardening and floral design better than anything. I took up jobs in local floral shops or on landscaping crews until finally I had enough money to open my own shop.

And here I was.

It was actually my second week in my new place. The shop had only been open about a week or so and I already had orders from folks in the small town I had just moved to. With some hard earned cash and what was left of my trust fund, I had purchased a two level apartment. The little brick stone building housed my shop on the bottom level and my apartment just above it. I had spent about a month, with the help of Jake, setting up the shop before the week I moved in. That way, once I was unpacked, I was ready to open up shop and get started.

The little town I had moved to was called Riverdale, a mere twenty minute drive from Charlie's house. I liked to stay close. I was a daddy's girl, that was for sure. I knew it made it easier on Charlie to know I was near by. God knows he worries all the time.

I didn't date very much. It was hard to do with Jake and Charlie on my back. But I had had a few boyfriends. I had my first kiss with Tyler Crowley under a tree behind the school playground. I had my first time with James Hunt my sophomore year in college. I dated a boy named Evan for about a year or so during my senior year in college. I didn't tell any of them about my transplant. I covered my scar _diligently_ with make up and anytime I made love, the lights had to be out.

I could check a lot of things off of my list now. I could ride my bike, I could go outside and play, I could work. I had done all of these things and more.

And yet, I'd never been in love. Not really. Not truly. I'd experienced so much, but I'd never felt truly connected to anyone other than my family. My dad. Jake. Angela. Sue.

I thought about this as I rode my bike towards Dr. Wright's office. I shook the longing feeling from my head and pedaled harder.

I should be dead right now and I'm not. Who am I to ask for more? I was happy. I was alive.

My usual check up went along without any bumps in the road. Dr Wright had become even closer to us now that I had survived. He was older now, a little more grey, a little wider around his middle. He was always thrilled to see me. His excitement about my life - how I had, and how I continued to survive - made me feel more hopeful as I left his office.

I was reminded every day, every time I took my meds or looked at my scar, how lucky I was.

It was the end of September now. With a deep breath I wrapped my scarf lightly around my neck and hopped on my bike. The air was becoming cooler now and fall was just around the corner. I took my time getting back to the shop, determined to enjoy the outdoors for a little while longer.

As my bike rolled to a stop in front of the flower shop I heard laughter coming from inside. It was a bright, twinkling sound almost. I got off my bike and pulled it around the side of the shop, chaining it quickly before opening the door.

Jake was at the front desk towering over a petit, dark haired woman in front of him.

"Here's her card. She's out right now but - oh hey! Speak of the devil..." He said as he spotted me coming in the door.

The woman turned around and smiled widely at me. She was shorter than me, very small, with a cute pixie hair cute and bright blue eyes. She was dressed nicely in a black dress with patterned tights and black pumps. She wore a beautiful grey button down pea coat that was fitted to her perfectly. She looked like a model.

I immediately looked down at my skinny jeans, converse, and my old Black Keys T-shirt under a mustard yellow cardigan. Yikes.

"Gotta new customer for ya, Bells." Jake said. He came around the front desk and stood between us. He towered over the both of us. "This is Alice Cullen. She's here for a wedding consultation."

"I'm sorry I just dropped in and this is all very sudden. I just hoped I would catch you!" she said merrily. I shook her hand and put a smile on. Once she had spoken and smiled I felt immediately more comfortable.

"Hi Alice, I'm Bella." I smiled. "What can I help you with?"

I brought her to my office so we could sit and chat. As soon as our mouths opened it was like we couldn't shut up. Alice was instantly the friendliest person I had ever met. She told me she was visiting her cousin here in Riverdale and just bought a house here to be closer to family. Her fiancee Jasper Whitlock had proposed six months earlier and she was ready to start planning their wedding. They met in college at a football game and had hit it off immediately.

"We haven't been a part for more than a day since!" she squeaked. "I'm so ready to marry Jasper. We've been through a lot together and I just want to start my life with him, you know? What about you, Bella? Are you with anyone right now?"

"Oh - oh no. I just moved here and started up the shop. I haven't met too many people yet and keeping this place up has been a lot of work. My apartment is barely unpacked." I laughed, thinking about all my stupid boxes upstairs, waiting around for me.

"What about that Jacob guy? He's quite the hunk of man." she giggled. I couldn't help but laugh along with her.

"Oh no, Jake is like a brother to me. We grew up together. He has a girlfriend from the reservation, Leah. You'd like her."

We chatted about news around town, and poured through my catalogs, picking out flowers she loved and talking about arrangements. Just like her wardrobe, Alice had immaculate taste in floral design. I already had ideas about what to put together for her. Her wedding would be gorgeous. It was a June wedding so we had plenty of time, but it was a very large order. It would help my shop significantly.

Before I knew it, it was almost four thirty. I set up Alice's order sheet and logged her into my computer, putting her on my mailing list. I was just finishing up when I heard the little bell on the shop's front door chime.

"I'll be right back, Alice. Why don't you write down your number so I can contact you with more order details?"

She nodded excitedly and took the pad and pen from my hand. I brushed my hair back from my face and came out of the office, walking up to the front desk to see who was checking out the shop. I got so excited every time the door chimed. My little flower shop was getting attention already!

I leaned over the counter on the front desk and looked around. I didn't see anyone at first.

Then, from behind a large arrangement of white lilies came a man.

He was dressed in a pair of dark washed jeans that fit his toned legs perfectly. He wore a pair of work boots splattered in paint and a black cotton v-neck shirt. He had his black leather jacket in one hand along with his car keys. I saw the faintest bit of a rather large tattoo peeking out from beneath his shirt on his right bicep.

All of this alone was extremely attractive to me. And then I saw his face. Angular and fair, dusted with the perfect amount of scruff. His hair a wild mess of copper brown locks above his masculine brow. There was a rosy tint to his nose and cheeks from the chilled wind outside.

And his eyes...a deep dark green. You would think they were brown at first glance, but no. They were a beautiful dark emerald.

Oh my.

There was a dark and mysterious edge to him. I was almost a little afraid. But at the same time I was too curious to look away. The man oozed sex.

He didn't notice me at first, he was looking about the room and reading the name cards on each plant, studying the delicate flowers I kept on the right side of the shop. I finally found my voice and spoke.

"Do you like the lilies? I had the bulbs imported from the south of France. Thought I would try and grow them here. I think they turned out alright." I blushed as I spoke, feeling a little shy.

He looked up at the sound of my voice only for a moment and gave me a small, curt nod. He met my eyes once but briefly, returning them to the flowers in front of them. He didn't say anything in reply.

I started to get uncomfortable with the silence. Didn't this guy know how to be polite and say hello at least?

"Is there anything I can help you with?"

He looked almost a little nervous as he opened his mouth to speak, but before he could answer I heard Alice pop out of the office. He turned to look at her.

"Oh Edward! Gosh I'm sorry! The time got away from me. Bella and I were just picking out some absolutely darling arrangements!"

She turned to me and gestured towards the beautiful man in front of my lilies. "Bella, this is my cousin Edward Masen. He's a local here so you might see him around."

He gave her a dark look at that comment, rolling his eyes without humor. How in the world were these two _related_?

"I forgot he was coming to pick me up today!"

I turned to look at Edward who was now watching me carefully. His expression was unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was wary of me or if he was just generally pissed off. He was studying me skeptically.

"Hi Edward, I'm Bella. It's nice to meet you."

He gave me another curt nod and slung his jacket on, making for the door.

"I'll be in the car, Al." he said as he left. His voice was deep and melodic. Even when he was clearly being rude, he was beautiful.

My shop door swung loudly and chimed again as it slammed shut. I watched through the front windows as he slid into a silver volvo parked on the street in front of us. I heard Alice sigh behind me.

"I'm sorry about him, Bella. He's not the most social person on the planet and certainly not the most patient either. It looks like he's in a mood today." she said as she put her jacket back on and grabbed her purse. "He's really a wonderful person, he's just...complicated."

I nodded in understanding. My life hadn't been easy either. I knew complicated.

"Thank you so much for your help today. I have a feeling you and I are going to be the best of friends." she smiled.

"Call me anytime, Alice." She gave me a friendly hug and promised she'd call for dinner plans later this week as she skipped out the door, the bell chiming after her as she hopped into her brother's car. It sped away as soon as the door was closed.

I could hear Jake upstairs in my apartment, fiddling around with his tools. He was putting together my bed frame - finally. I'd been sleeping on a mattress on the floor for the past two weeks.

Alone in the shop now, I found myself replaying those few minutes of Edward in my head. He was beautiful and haunting all at once. Something about him was resonating with me even though I was definitely put off by his attitude. I wondered idly if I really would see him around town. He clearly wasn't much of a social person. Or maybe he just wasn't social with me.

I couldn't tell.

I closed up shop for the day and went upstairs to find Jake standing proudly beside my new bed frame. I was happy to make him the lasagna I promised for dinner. I loved cooking. Especially for Jake or Charlie. Something about guys and food was always satisfying to watch.

When it got late, Jake kissed my forehead and headed home. He and Leah shared an apartment about five minutes from here. I sent him home with leftovers for Leah. She worked late at her legal office and loved my cooking just as much as Jake did.

The apartment was quiet and still as I made up my bed and kicked off my jeans. I stripped down and walked into the bathroom, grabbing shampoo and body wash from yet another cardboard box on my way there. I put my hand out, testing the spray of the water against my palm.

I looked at myself once in the mirror, tracing the long pink line down my chest. And despite the sad, lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach, I put my hand on my heart - as I always did - and said thanks to whoever was looking after me.

When I was clean and dry and safe in my bed, I fell asleep easily. I slept like the dead. I always did. But it became a restless sleep. Because that night was the first night I dreamt of Edward Masen.


	2. Chapter 2

The shop was doing pretty decently for it's first couple weeks being open and I was beginning to get familiar with the town. Charlie stopped by on Wednesday to visit, taking me out to lunch by the river. He and Sue were doing well. They had been watching her grandson Seth, Emily's newest baby.

"Reminds me of when you were that little." he said, tweaking my nose playfully.

He stopped in the shop to see the progress I'd made. He was definitely impressed.

"I'm so proud of you Bells. This is good work." he smiled, patting my back. He stayed long enough to help me install my TV and the sound system upstairs in my apartment. I convinced him to take home some cookies I'd baked and told him to give Sue and Seth a kiss from me.

"Don't be a stranger," he said as he left. "I'll see you soon, baby girl."

I smiled and waved as he left, glad he still called me baby even though I was far from the little girl I was.

Thursday I caught lunch with Alice at one of her favorite bistros in town. We chatted away as we had the first time we met, learning more and more about each other. I liked spending time with Alice. Even with all the energy she came with, I felt so comfortable with her. She had originally grown up in Riverdale but moved away for college and then her new job. She was a fashion designer for a baby clothing line. By the time Jasper proposed she had enough status to work from home and was actually the head of her department. They decided to move back to Riverdale because she wanted to be closer to her family. Jasper had lost his parents at a young age. He had a twin sister, Rose who actually fell for Alice's older brother Emmett.

"Weird, right?" she said. "You know, Rosalie used to come off as...well...she came off as a bitch. After their parents died she became cold to everyone. Even Jasper. But when she met Emmett, she did a total 180. She is still very protective and definitely speaks her mind, but he brought out a softer, more vulnerable side of her that I'd never seen. Jasper still says that Emmett brought back the old Rose. He likes to say there's just something about us Cullens. I think he's right. Rose and Emmett will be married next year!"

Alice talked more about her wedding plans and I was happy to listen. I was careful with what I revealed about myself, not ready to explain why so much of my childhood memories took place in a hospital. Instead I told her funny stories from college and we swapped stories about old boyfriends. It was nice to have a real girl friend around to talk to.

There were a few times I found myself wanting to ask about Edward, but I didn't. I learned little things about him from Alice's conversations with me. He lived on a nice property by the river all by himself. He had lived with Alice's family since he was sixteen.

Though she wouldn't say what it was, and only spoke of Edward briefly, I knew that something had happened to him. I wondered why he moved in with the Cullens instead of staying with his parents. If something tragic had happened, or perhaps they hadn't been the best parents. I assumed from our encounter the other day that Edward Masen didn't exactly like people.

It was Saturday morning when I finally got around to the last heaping pile of boxes. I'd been avoiding them, knowing it would take me a few hours to organize everything. But now I was determined to get it done.

Books and old pictures were unwrapped and placed on my mantle. Clothes were sorted, folded or hung up in the closet. Shoes were unpacked and organized neatly. Linens, laundry baskets, cooking supplies, baking pans, my grandmother's recipe book, my CD collection, all my medications...everything out of the box and organized. Then I cleaned and dusted and cleaned some more, hoping to sanitize my new living space as best I could.

It was late in the afternoon by the time I had finished. I took a quick shower, hoping to get the dust and grime off of me as quickly as possible. When I got out of the bathroom I found my phone alight with a new voicemail with Alice's name on the screen.

"_Bella! It's Alice. I was just wondering if you were busy tonight. Jasper is in town with me and we just finished moving into our new house. We are throwing a little house warming dinner party tonight at 7:30. I was wondering if you would come! It would be great to see you and you'll meet tons of new people. I've already gushed about how wonderful you are to all of my closest friends and Jasper would love to meet you too! The address is 117 Hollow Drive. Bring Jake and Leah if you'd like! Hope to see you tonight!"_

I smiled at her cheery voice on the phone, happy she wanted to see me again. I called Jake and passed on the invitation. Leah had to work late but Jake said he would pick me up and come along. I knew he didn't want me to go alone.

I rummaged through my newly organized closet and pulled out a few things. What to wear to a dinner party? Judging by Alice's clothes the past few times I had seen her, I knew deep down I should probably wear a dress.

I settled on an old favorite. It was a dark purple dress with a conservative square neck line, but a low cut, open back. It was fitted perfectly around my waist and flared just a touch at the bottoms. Simple, elegant, and yeah...a tad sexy. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hoping to see Edward tonight. He was a mystery. A beautiful one. He may or may not be an asshole - the jury was still out on that one - but that didn't mean I wasn't going to look good tonight.

I threw in a batch of my favorite cookies to bring along with me. The apartment filled with the heavenly smell while I curled my hair and put on a light touch of make up. My eyes looked dark and shapely with the shadows and liner I picked. I wasn't half bad at being girly when I gave it a shot.

When the cookies were done I pulled them out to cool and skipped down to the shop, pulling out my sheers to try and put together something for Alice's housewarming gift. I went to the cooler to bring out my flowering canna flaccida orchids. They signified hopefulness. I thought it suitable for a new home and a new life, to begin with hope.

There. Perfect.

Right on time, Jake's horn beeped from the front of the shop. I signaled him in the window before running upstairs to plate the cookies and grab my heels and a black cardigan. I locked the doors behind me and hopped into Jake's truck.

"Well, well, well...Miss Bella Swan are you wearing make up?"

I punched him in the arm. He was looking pretty dapper himself.

"Jesus woman..."

"I wear make up, Jacob Black. I can be a girl sometimes!" I defended. "Besides, look at you. Are you wearing khakis? I didn't even know you own anything other than those nasty garage jeans jeans and boxer briefs."

Jake liked to walk around in his underwear constantly when he was at home. He had a million pairs, all with some silly graphics or glow in the dark catch phrases.

Jacob Black was a funderwear whore.

"Yeah...Leah got em for me. We had to go to a work party at her office and she wouldn't let me leave the house without them on. I was really banking on that pair of underwear I have that say 'Business Time' all over the front of them. I thought for sure she'd let me go in those."

I laughed as we pulled away from the curb and headed towards Alice's house.

But Alice didn't buy a house. She bought a miniature mansion. It was a pretty modern style home. Sleek, straight lines and lots of glass windows. It was absolutely beautiful. And the surrounding area was mostly wooded so it was a nice, private piece of land. Her front lawns were so green and well kept. I could easily imagine a beautifully landscaped garden around this house.

True to form, Alice met us at the door with big, giant, happy hugs for both of us.

"You came! Oh my goodness you look gorgeous! Oh Bella, I'm so excited for you to meet everyone!"

Alice looked stunning as usual. She was wearing a tightly fitted, beautiful dark blue dress and of course...as I learned from our previous conversations, she wouldn't be Alice without her ridiculously high heels. I was a pretty small girl, but if I was a short as Alice, I think I'd wear them all the time too.

She led me by the hand through their front foyer into the living room where a small group of people waited for us. Some sat on the couch chatting and sipping wine. Others mingled by the fire place or at at the table full of gourmet looking appetizers.

"I can't believe you brought flowers! They are so beautiful! Let's put them in a vase and then I'll introduce you to everyone."

Just as she led me out of the living, I spotted him. Edward was leaning leisurely against a book case with a glass of wine, _watching me_. A tall, gorgeous blonde stood beside him, chatting with him occasionally. _Of course he has a tremendously beautiful piece of arm candy. Who was I kidding_. He participated in the conversation, his mouth moving to answer her, but his eyes never left me.

I snapped out of it long enough to stop staring and to follow Alice into the kitchen. I looked over my shoulder for just a split second to find Edward's eyes lingering on my exposed back. But I didn't have time to even over analyze this - not while trying to keep up with Alice. She was talking a mile a minute.

"_And _you brought cookies! Oh I _told _you we would be the best of friends. I just knew it!"

Her kitchen was _beautiful._ I'd do horrible, horrible things for a kitchen like that. And I'd never leave it. I'd just cook and cook and eat and eat and get fat and die happy. That's how beautiful her kitchen was. So much counter space, marble tops, sleek black kitchen appliances, and deep, dark wooden cabinets.

Swoon.

Alice went to work finding a suitable vase for my arrangement while I brought my meager plate of cookies back to the living room to place on the table already brimming with gorgeous looking appetizers. I felt Edward's eyes on me again as I crossed the room.

I panicked for a moment, wondering if maybe I had something on my face or stuck in my hair. But Jake would have caught that and helped me out. Right?

_Stop thinking about it, Bella_.

I stood in front of the table for a moment, trying to figure out where on earth I would fit my dumb little plate.

"Oh did you need help with those?" I rolled my eyes as I watched Jake's grubby paws swoop down and pick up about six cookies off the plate. He was already stuffing his face by the time I turned around.

"Mmmmm...oh my god, Bells. I love these things...why don't you make em for me every day? I mean I could eat these literally every single day..."

I didn't blame him. I mean, they _were_ my grandma's white chocolate praline pecan caramel cookies. Definitely drool worthy.

I giggled as I watched him snarf down the cookies and make silly faces at me.

"Such a gentleman, Jake."

"There's that smile, B." he said. "You seem nervous tonight."

I shrugged him off. Thankfully he didn't push it.

Instead he grinned and slung his arm around my shoulder when he was done eating. He nodded his head in the direction of Edward.

"Who is that guy, B?"

"Alice's cousin, Edward. Why?"

"I don't like how he's looking at you."

I felt my face get warm and looked over to see Edward watching my interaction with Jake. When he caught my eyes, he looked away, bringing his attention again to the blonde woman in front of him.

He looked amazing. A black buttoned down shirt fit his upper body quite nicely. When he moved his arm to take a sip of his wine, I could see his muscles shift with the movement. He wore what must have been tailored slacks. His legs looked long and lean in them. His hair was still a tousled mess, but tonight it was more tousle than mess. Everything about him drew me in.

I watched him sip his drink and even smile occasionally as he spoke.

"Please, Jake. Edward is not looking at me any which way. Can we just enjoy tonight? Please?"

Jake rolled his eyes but his wink agreed with me.

Alice introduced me to her parents, Carlisle and Esme Cullen. They were stunning people. I was beginning to think that maybe the Cullens had this beauty gene that hadn't skipped a single generation. Carlisle had dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. He was tall and lean, much like Edward. Esme had darker, chestnut locks and the same blue eyes as Alice. Carlisle was a doctor at the local hospital. I wondered why I had never seen him before. He shook my hand warmly and introduced his wife.

"Hello Bella," she had a soft, calming voice. Everything about her was genuine and lovely. "It's so nice to meet you. We've heard so many wonderful things about you from Alice. Carlisle and I must stop by your shop! Lord knows I love fresh flowers in my house."

"Don't worry, Bella." Carlisle said playfully with a wink. "You and I will do wonderful business together. I like to surprise my wife now and then."

She laughed and kissed his cheek. For moment I felt that longing feeling creep into my chest. Anyone could see that Carlisle and Esme were truly in love with one another. Even now, after all of their children had grown, they were inseparable. I wished for that.

Jasper was a perfect fit for Alice. He was a perfect southern gentleman and he adored Alice completely. Sandy blonde hair, intense hazel eyes, and an almost militaristic physique...he was quite the catch.

"It's very nice to meet you Miss Bella." he said as he shook my hand. We chatted about how I was liking Riverdale and about his excitement for their upcoming wedding. I found out he worked for an architecture firm and from the looks of their new place...he and Alice were extremely successful.

He pulled Alice in close and kissed her cheek as the oven dinged loudly from the kitchen.

"Sugar, I'm gonna grab that roast out the oven. You tell Miss Bella that any time she likes she can come over for some of my cookin'." He gave me a wink and headed off to the kitchen.

Alice looked at me and visibly swooned. "He does all the cooking. Do you believe it? I totally lucked out. The only food I can cook is microwavable. And even then...I've destroyed a couple microwaves in my time." she giggled.

I met some of her neighbors and got a grand tour of the new house. It was beautiful. And humungous. They had at least four bedrooms and four bathrooms.

"We like having family over so these will be guest rooms until we start having children. If you ever need to you are more than welcome to spend the night here."

We walked down the beautiful hard wood floors of a hallway on the upper level to see the guest rooms. Beautiful bedrooms, each with their own private balcony.

Each room was minimalist in style, almost zen like. Alice could run a bed and breakfast here. Each room looked like a little hotel.

One of the doors towards the end of the hall was closed as we came to it. I could just make out the sound of a man's voice behind it. Someone must be on the phone.

"Oh, that might be Edward. Gosh...he never stops working. Even at my house warming party! Jesus. I'll be right out Bella, let me just get my idiot cousin off the damn phone."

"It's alright, Alice. I was just going to use the restroom, I'll meet you back here in a minute." I winked.

The bathroom door was just around the corner from the guest room Edward was in. It was incredibly clean and modern. Fluffy, monogrammed towels hung next to a massive glass shower with beautiful dark blue tile.

I paused for a moment from inside the bathroom, listening closely. I could only make out the murmurings of voices. I could tell when Alice was speaking and when Edward answered, but couldn't decipher the words. I could tell, however, that Alice was not happy.

I reached in my purse for my medication, taking my usual dosages. I was glad I had a moment to do this in private. I looked in the mirror and gave myself a once over.

I looked pretty damn good. My scar was concealed well under the conservative cut neckline. After some chap stick and a hair adjustment, I straightened my dress and walked out. I was just about to turn the corner when I heard Alice and Edward coming out of the guest room.

I froze mid step when I realized they were talking about _me_.

"Would you try to be social tonight and at least talk to her? God Edward, she's new in town. She doesn't need you and your attitude. You can brood all you want when you get home and get back to the studio. Tell Mac to give it a rest for tonight and stop calling you."

"I hardly think that some doe eyed flower child can hold my interest tonight, Alice. And you know Mac has got the Lifton Gallery in the works for me next month. I have to keep him happy if I want to show there." Edward replied with a growl.

_Doe eyed flower child? What an ass_.

"Whatever. Just...please. For one night, can you refrain from being a dick? I really like Bella, and I don't want you scaring her off tonight."

There was no audible reply from Edward, but I heard one set of heavy footsteps heading back down the stairs.

I heard Alice coming towards the corner and quickly composed myself. I leaned backward to close the door as if I had just finished. I put on a clueless looking smile and followed her on the rest of her mini house tour. All the while I was replaying Edward's words in my head. The tone of his voice. So condescending. So sure I would be some naive idiot. He didn't even know me!

If he knew half of what I'd been through, _naive_ would be the last word he would use to describe me. I had seen the darkest parts of life and of death and lived to tell the tale.

Screw you, Edward Masen.

I gritted my teeth and kept up with Alice, trying hard to keep my thoughts from being displayed on my face.

When we came back downstairs, Jake had found a permanent spot in the kitchen, salivating over Jasper's roast. He helped Jasper set the table and I could see that the two of them would become fast friends, just like Alice and I. Most of the guests had migrated from the living room to the dining room as the smell of something heavenly wafted out of the kitchen.

Before we sat down to dinner, Alice pulled me along to introduce me to the tall, beautiful blonde woman I had seen Edward talking to earlier in the evening. I was so sure that this was Edward's girlfriend, but soon found out it was none other than Rosalie, Jasper's twin sister.

I was afraid at first of a less than welcoming introduction, but Alice was right. Rosalie was sweet as a peach with just a hint of her own spunk and attitude... and absolutely beautiful. Tall and lean, with the body of a swim suit model. She had kind, warm brown eyes and a pearly white smile.

"Hi Bella! So glad you could come join us. Alice has not stopped blabbing about you since you first met. We'll have to have a girl's date sometime. Pretty soon it will be my turn to discuss flower arrangements with the famous Bella Swan!"

I laughed and immediately felt relief. It was easy to feel at home here with Alice and her family and friends. Everyone of them was so kind and friendly... with the exception of Edward. I found out Emmett was a firefighter at the local station and was unfortunately on duty that night and couldn't make it to supper.

And yet, with all the friendly conversation and new faces, Edward Masen still had yet to speak to me. It seemed that besides Rosalie, he really didn't speak to anyone much. In fact I had no idea where he had gone until we were seated for dinner.

And of course, Mr. Masen was directly across from me.

The table was filled with conversation and wonderful food. Pork roast, potatoes, greens, zucchini, corn, thick slabs of home made wheat bread and pumpkin butter. We toasted to Alice and Jasper's new home and new life together before digging in.

Conversation flowed steadily throughout the meal. Esme asked more about wedding plans. The event would be beautiful. The talked about venues and dresses and food and cake.

"Mom, you should see some of the flowers Bella and I picked out. She's going to make it so beautiful I just know it." said Alice, sipping her drink.

"How long have you been in floral design, Bella?"

I told her about my botany studies in college and explained my rather lengthy list of experience in shops and landscape crews before I opened my own place.

"I like the design aspect of floristry for so many reasons. But I think the best part is meeting people and bringing them something they'll remember on a special day. Like a holiday, a wedding, a party, an anniversary, or perhaps even on a very sad day. People buy flowers for many reasons, but it always has to do with loving someone. I get to be a part of it in a small way and that's what I love most. Weddings are particularly my favorite."

In my mind I could still picture the flowers that were waiting on my bedside table the moment I woke up 9 years ago. It was a purple and blue arrangement. Peonies and forget- me -nots, with little yellow buttercups and Queen Anne's Lace. I smiled to myself.

I let my brain return to the present and looked up to see Rosalie smiling warmly at me. But it was Edward's eyes I could feel most, watching me intently.

"Alice was right. I definitely know where I'm going for my wedding flowers." Rosalie said with a grin.

A large bottle of harvest wine was passed around the table for anyone who wanted it. Jake, knowing that I didn't drink, passed the bottle over me to Rosalie.

"No wine?"

I was startled to hear the words come out of Edward's mouth. He had barely said a word all night but I had felt his eyes boring holes through my skull the entire dinner. I tried to hide the surprise on my face with a warm smile in spite of my annoyance with him and replied,

"No, I don't drink."

"You don't drink at all? Or you just don't drink wine?" He asked, watching me curiously.

I didn't drink because the alcohol messed with my medications. Since the surgery I was very careful about what I put into my body whether it be food or drink. Alcohol was on the 'no, no' list.

"She doesn't drink." Jake stated. He said it calmly enough, but I could see he was becoming irritated. Edward could see it too. He smiled cheekily at Jake.

"Thank you for reiterating, but my hearing is just fine." he turned back to me. "Does your boyfriend always speak for you?"

Just as Jake opened his mouth to no doubt say something smart back at Edward, Rosalie thankfully broke the tension.

"So Bella! Where are you from originally?"

I swallowed, still bristling over Edward's comments.

"I'm from Forks actually. My father is the chief of police there. I lived there all my life until I left for college in Seattle."

I tended to do this when I met new people. I often mentioned where I went to college, hoping that we could avoid talking about my childhood and just talk about my college years onward. Most usually took the bait, but I guess I was out of luck tonight.

"Forks, you said?" came Edward's voice across the table. The table grew quiet around me and all eyes were on Edward and I. His demeanor was still cool and collected, but there was a sharpness in his eyes that was new.

"Yes. You're familiar with it I'm guessing?"

"Too familiar with it I'd say. Lived there until I was sixteen."

He no longer held eye contact with me and the arrogant sort of air he had just held was beginning to disappear. He had answered me with his eyes fixed on his plate.

He laughed to himself humorlessly and picked up his fork, stabbing some roast and potatoes. I paused, unsure of how to reply to that, or if I should reply at all. I looked to Alice for guidance, who gave me a weak smile before clearing her throat and interjecting.

"Jasper, the roast is wonderful baby."

The whole table hummed in appreciation and agreement. But Edward wasn't finished.

"Funny, with only one school in that tiny town I'm surprised I never met you." he looked at me curiously, almost challenging me, his teeth clenched.

I tensed for a moment. Of course he didn't see me. If he left when he was sixteen, he probably just missed my return to high school. And I spent my childhood in hospitals, home schooled in my little bedroom by the tutor Charlie hired. What kind of dinner conversation would that be?

"She was home schooled. On the reservation like me."

Jake to the rescue.

I slowly let out a breath of relief, trying not to draw attention to my sudden anxiety. But I knew Edward noticed. His eyes narrowed and his head tilted as he observed me closely.

"The daughter of a police chief home schooled on a reservation? That's odd."

He was smirking at me now, as if he knew he was catching me in my lie and challenging me to keep my composure. I didn't like this. I squared my shoulders and didn't break eye contact with the man across the table from me.

"Well, living in a town where everyone knows everyone can be exhausting. Especially for a cop's family. No one mind's their own business. And it was my dad's impression that townie kids grew up to be _nosey_ and _bitter_." I said pointedly.

I could hear forks clinking against plates, but it was clear that no one was really eating. I could see Jake grinning smugly in my peripheral vision.

Edward leaned forward across his plate ever so slightly.

"That's quite a generalization for one to make, wouldn't you say?"

"Well you've done little to prove him wrong." I said, keeping my voice calm and cool, the tone of it even and carefree. "But what would I know?" I laughed light heartedly, keeping my smile the entire time. "I'm really just a doe eyed flower child."

I held his stare firmly, unwavering. Letting him know that I was not to be underestimated.

_Suck on that, Masen_.

Alice almost spit out her wine as she looked up at me wide eyed. Rosalie laughed out loud. And I caught Esme smiling into her napkin. Edward continued his stare down with me but his smirk had vanished. Jasper leaned back and grinned.

"Well, well. Miss Bella's got the bark and the bite. I like her, Alice. She can come to dinner anytime." He raised his glass to me and winked. "Now, where are those delicious looking cookies...?"

I laughed, relieved that my last word hadn't been challenged and that the conversation had successfully moved on. Edward was brooding across from me and rolling his eyes at his family.

But he was the first to take one of my cookies before passing the dish.

What a strange man.

I couldn't help but be proud of myself for putting Edward in his place. Doe eyed flower child my ass.

Jake was still giggling about it on the ride home. Once I told him what I had heard upstairs, he laughed even harder. Needless to say, he was not a fan of Edward.

The truck moseyed through the woods surrounding Alice and Jasper's house, out to the main road and back to the village.

We had said our good byes after coffee and cookies with the Cullens. Edward had left before the coffee pot was ready, saying an abrupt and curt goodbye to everyone there. He only stopped to kiss Esme on the cheek.

I had watched him as he did it. For a fleeting moment, he looked at her as though he might have a heart. His small affection was such a surprise to me. It was clear to me in that moment that whatever his issues were, he had a deep respect for Esme and Carlisle. He shook his uncles hand before heading towards the door. For a second, I almost felt sorry for putting him in his place in front of them. In front of Esme.

But Esme had given me a warm embrace before we left and rubbed my shoulder as she said, "Sometimes he needs a good kick in the pants, Miss Bella. And I like a woman who stands her ground. Well done." She winked at me and I couldn't help but notice Carlisle nodding in agreement.

"Well," I sighed as Jake pulled up to my building. "If I had any left over cookies, they would be yours."

"Aww you love me or something?"

"Eh."

"Whatever, Swan!" he laughed as I opened my door and hopped out.

"Thanks for coming with me, Jake. I mean it." I said as I leaned on his side door, looking at him through the passenger side window.

"Don't mention it, Bells. I _never_ turn down free food."

I rolled my eyes and tapped his truck once before waving good bye and heading inside.

It was late now, almost midnight. I slowly trudged up the stairs to my apartment, starting to feel the pain in my feet from those heels. I couldn't stop thinking about Edward. I was so annoyingly curious about him. What was his problem?

Why did he have to be such an asshole?

Why did he have to be such a _beautiful_ asshole?

I splashed my face with cool water, brushed my teeth and put on an old t shirt and some underwear before sliding into my bed. My eyes were heavy but my mind was still up and running. So many questions. All of which were about _him_.


	3. Chapter 3

It was still dark out in the early morning when I laced up my sneakers and stretched out my calves. It was Monday morning. I breathed in deeply, my head still a little fuzzy with sleep.

New week. New start. So much to do.

I liked to run in the early mornings during the work week. Monday through Friday I was most likely up early, checking the seedlings in the shop window and throwing on my running shoes. I'd been out of my usual routine for the past week or so while I got unpacked and the shop got up and running. But now I was settled enough where it was time to get back at it.

I knew it was important to take care of this borrowed heart of mine.

Jake had mentioned a beautiful trail by the river the week before and it sounded like the perfect place to run. Locking the shop up behind me, I grabbed my bike and rode through the sleeping town towards the river.

It was chilly this morning. I loved it.

A beautiful, white misty fog rolled along the tree line. The early traces of sunlight illuminated the dew on the grass and trees like diamonds settled in mossy green beds and dripping from chandelier branches.

I no longer brought my ipod with me while I exercised. If I was outdoors there was no need. Nothing sounded better to me than the wind through the tree branches, the soft roll of high grass, the sound of water over stones. I wondered briefly if the owner of this heart had loved any of these things as much as I did. It was always when I was outside that I felt the most connected. The most tapped in to the universe.

Mornings like this were heaven to me.

After about a twenty minute ride, I found the mouth of the trail. It was marked by a wooden post sign that was splintered and aged by the weather. 'Stonewood Trail,' was crudely carved into its surface. I used the trail marker to chain my bike and without a sound, I set off.

The trail dipped down a slight slope, weaving through trees and a few large boulders. Sunlight flickered through the spaces between the branches above me. My eyes wandered over moss covered wooden tree trunks, tangled weaving roots littered with orange and yellow mushrooms growing along the surfaces. Ferns and Ivy growing at the bases of saplings and fully developed oaks.

I was about ten minutes into my run when I heard the sound of water. The current moving over stones, trickling and dancing across drifting wood and through tall river grass.

Soon I could see it as the trail moved downward to eventually run parallel to the river bank.

The trees cleared alongside the water and soon I was staring at a long, stoney beach, with the river still as glass on the surface beside it. The fog hanging over it and flirting with the opposite bank on the other side.

I jogged leisurely, feeling the heart in my chest beat and work, pumping my blood. My muscles sang with the early morning physical activity.

Sometimes I couldn't help but smile as I ran. Only 9 years ago I could hardly breathe well enough to speak. And now I was _running_.

I listened to the sounds around me. The call of several different birds, the splash of water when a fish broke the surface, the rustling of leaves as chipmunks ran from roots to forest brush.

I was about a mile into my run when I started to hear the sound of breathing just behind me. The deep panting breaths accompanied by the shuffling of brush on the wooded side of the path. The woods sloped downwards until they hit the beach and it sounded like something was skipping the trail all together and just coming straight down the hill.

I started to get a little nervous and picked up my speed before turning to look behind me.

I could have laughed out loud when I saw the happiest, dopiest, and the _fattest_ looking golden retriever bounding down the slope towards me. A thick golden coat, floppy ears and a pink tongue flapping outside his mouth as he ran towards me.

I came to a stop and giggled as he almost waddled over to greet me. I offered the back of my hand carefully as he approached. He licked my knuckles happily and pushed his wet nose to my palm, begging to be scratched.

"Well hello there..." I murmured softly.

I knelt down to give him a good ear scratch. He gave me a kiss on the cheek and put his head back as if to say, "my neck please..."

I laughed and scratched under her chin and down further until the jingle of his collar caught my attention. I looked around, checking to see if maybe his owner was near by. I didn't see anyone on the trail or in the woods.

I lifted his tags into the light to see the name _Bosley _etched in the little silver, dog bone shaped plate.

"Hello Bosley, I'm Bella." I said with a grin, patting his head softly.

He barked once happily, his mouth open. I could swear to God he was smiling. He nudged me once in the knees and took off towards the beach.

I started to follow after him, curious as to where he would go. He jumped playfully on top of a piece of drift wood, picking it up in his mouth and shaking it to death back and forth before running to me with it.

Bosley wanted to play.

We played tug of war with the poor little piece of wood before he let go and let me hurl it down the stone beach.

Back and forth we played, moving further down the beach each time. Soon the sun was fully awake and up over the trees, a brilliant orange against the blue sky. It was probably around seven am now.

I could feel the pink on my cheeks and the light sheen of sweat on my brow. I couldn't help but smile at my morning. I was truly content. And now I had a new friend.

As I slowed down a bit to catch my breath, I started to wonder where Bosley's home was.

"Bosley come here, silly." I sat down on a toppled tree trunk beside the water. Bosley obediently came to my side and sat down, placing his head on top of my knee. I watched his big brown eyes as I scratched his head. I'd never met a sweeter dog.

"Where's home, Bosley hmm? Where's home?"

To my surprise, his ears perked at the word 'home.' He immediately got up and trotted down the beach, stopping to turn and look at me expectantly, waiting for me to follow.

We stayed on the stone beach, following a bend in the river. Bosley took me on a little hike through the rockier part of the shore which had me climbing over boulders and wading through some shallow water.

I picked up some wildflowers along the way. I couldn't help myself. I had a handful of purple and blue small budding flowers, a couple yellow buttercups. They made me smile.

As we came around the sharp bend, the trees on the shore side cleared to reveal an old stone cottage right on the water.

It was gorgeous.

It was a perfect little place. Not too big, not too small. Private that's for sure. The beach between the water and the front steps was only a small distance. There was a quaint little dock that stretched out into the water, but no boat in sight.

I hesitated only a moment before following Bosley across the beach until we reached the front porch of the little house.

The porch itself was interesting. Paint jars lined the rails almost all the way around. A wind chime sang lightly in the breeze. It looked hand made with shells and bike gears, metal washers and odds and ends tied with fishing wire.

It was weathered little porch. It needed a good sweep. Intricate cobwebs decorated each corner post.

Bosley was up the stairs in an instant and burying his nose in a dish with his name on it just to the right of the front door.

I figured I'd at least say hello if I could, so I knocked on the door. It rattled a little as the screen inside shook. I didn't hear any movement inside but tried again.

"Hello?" I tried using my voice, but it was pretty clear no one was going to answer. Bosley had finished slurping up his water bowl and groaned to get my attention. He laid down beneath a swinging wooden bench on the left side of the porch.

I left my little handful of wildflowers in a paint jar on the porch railing before I came over and sat down on the bench, feeling it sway slightly. Bosley took this opportunity to hop up beside me and lay down on the bench with his head in my lap.

"Oh you like the swing, huh boy?"

He licked my knuckles in reply. I leaned my head against the back of the swing just for a moment, using my heels to give us a push, setting the swing into a calm, rocking motion.

Not realizing that this would put me _fast_ asleep.

_Oops. _

I was startled awake by the sound of someone clearing their throat. Loudly.

But what was more startling was the fact that Edward Masen was standing in front of me, arms crossed over his chest with an eye brow raised at me.

He looked glorious. His hair was in this beautiful disarray and his cheeks were just slightly pink from the cold. He had a rather perfect amount of scruff on his jaw and chin. He was wearing jeans and a comfortable looking plaid flannel. Black converse smattered with paint. Both knees in his jeans were ripped.

"Can I ask what you are doing sleeping like the dead on my front porch?" he did not sound friendly this morning. But then again, I had yet to see him be friendly with anyone.

I blinked rapidly, willing my brain to wake up and explain myself articulately and NOT like some bumbling idiot.

"I-I was...This is your...?"

_Nicely handled, Bella._

I was distracted by Bosley licking my knuckles again. Edward watched the interaction, not looking amused whatsoever. I cleared my throat and got it together.

"I'm sorry, I was out running earlier when I found Bosley. Or rather - he found me. I, um...well we played on the beach for a bit and then I followed him here. I wanted to make sure he got home to someone. Whoever he belonged to. I didn't know it was you."

I stuttered only a little and stood up off the bench, Bosley hopping down beside me. I still felt so small in comparison to Edward. He towered over me, almost as tall as Jake. He had to be 6'2 or 6'3.

"I came here and no one was home. I sat down for a minute to rest and I must have passed out entirely. I'm so sorry about that." My face was turning pink, I could feel it. Dammit, why did I have to be so stupid and fall asleep. Why did Bosley have to be Edward's dog?

_How_ was Bosley Edward's dog? He was the sweetest dog in the world and Edward was the biggest grouch I'd met in Riverdale.

I looked out to see that the dock now had a pretty beautiful boat pulled up beside it. Edward must have been out on it this morning.

He seemed to be contemplating my explanation as he looked me over, his eyes lingering over my body. Finally, he let out a sigh. I was prepared for him to tell me to fuck off and leave him and his dog alone. Instead I watched as he crouched down and Bosley ran right up to him, loving him up just as he had me this morning.

Not even Edward could keep from smiling at that big puppy. It almost made me catch my breath when I saw him grin. He patted Bosley's head and stood up.

"Well," he said, clearly his throat again and looking everywhere but my eyes. "I guess I should uh... thank you for looking out for him."

"Of course." I said, looking at the ground. I gestured to the swing behind me. "Sorry about that, I guess the rocking motion just puts me out."

He nodded, a small twitch of a smile in agreement on his face.

There was sort of an awkward silence that settled over us. He finally looked up to meet my eyes. His expression was cautious now instead of hostile. There was an unreadable emotion there that I couldn't place. But his gaze made me uncomfortable. I felt bare in front of him with the way he looked at me.

I couldn't handle the quiet.

"Well I guess I should head back. Um..sorry again. Have a good morning, Edward." I said. "Bye Bosley" I smiled at my new little fuzzy friend.

Edward nodded at me, looking reluctant. I turned on my heel and headed down the stairs. My foot had just hit the bottom step when I heard him call after me.

"Bella?"

Gosh, my name sounded so much lovelier when he said it. In that moment I wished I knew him. Really knew him. This mysterious, brooding, incredible beautiful man was driving me mad with curiosity.

I turned to see him leaning on the front post of the porch at the top of the stairs.

"Did you...did you want some coffee before you go?" he shrugged and shifted his feet a little as he spoke. "I mean, its getting cold as shit out here by the water...I just figured..."

I was bewildered that he even asked. I should say no. I should just go home. Serves him right for being an asshole the other night.

But everything in me was screaming "say YES." I was much too curious to refuse him.

I must have been staring blankly for a tad longer than I thought. Edward winced ever so slightly, shrugged again and looked down.

"Okay, never mi-"

"Sure!" I blurted out. Louder than I wanted to. "I mean sure, I'd love some."

_Good Christ._

He nodded and turned to go inside. I watched Bosley waddle loyally behind him before I followed them up the stairs and into the house. I tried to steady myself a little and take a deep breath. I'd been nothing but a stuttering idiot since I woke up on that damn bench.

I had to stay on my toes with Edward. I wasn't sure what to expect with him. The fact that he was actually being pretty courteous with me right now had me reeling. I was prepared to be defensive. I wasn't prepared for coffee inside his house.

But I _wanted_ to come inside.

The entry way was a simple little mud room. A few pairs of beat up boots lined the wall adjacent to the inner door. I took a moment to take off my damp shoes.

I grimaced when I realized I was wearing the socks Jake gave me last Christmas. Bright, neon blue with daisies all over them. I still didn't know what it was with Jake and his undergarments. If it wasn't crazy underwear, it was crazy socks. I'm pretty sure he got them in the kids section since my feet were small enough. They definitely _looked_ like socks for an eight year old. Great.

I caught Edward smirking at my socks.

"Hey. It was dark when I woke up this morning okay?" I defended. He gave me a crooked smile, but didn't comment.

We entered his kitchen. It was pretty small, but so _cozy_. Alice's kitchen was designed to perfection, but everything about this little room made me feel warm and safe and happy. I would cook here over Alice's any day. The back splash was a hodge podge assortment of different ornate tiles. It looked like someone had taken a whole bunch of sample tiles from around the world and stuck them together. It was actually quite fitting.

The wall paper was an old vintage pattern in shades of green and aged blue. There was a small island in the center with random papers scattered about. It looked like Edward had been doing some sketching. But before I could get a glimpse of the sketches, he was hastily scooping them up and putting them away. I thought I saw his ears turn a darker shade of red as he did so, but I couldn't be sure.

"Have a seat anywhere you like." he offered. I took the stool across the island from him. Bosley came and laid down on the hard wood floors beside the base of my seat.

I watched as Edward moved to the cupboards, opened the aging doors to find two ceramic mugs. He wordlessly set up the coffee maker and turned it on.

The silence was just about killing me.

"Thanks for this...I mean, thanks for the coffee." I said quietly, trying to break the silent tension.

Nod.

"Um...how long have you had Bosley?" I tried.

"Since he was a puppy. He's about four years old."

No real eye contact. Nothing to say unless I asked a question beyond a 'yes' or 'no' answer. This was horrible. I had so many questions I wanted to ask him, but didn't know where to start or what he would think of me. And now I was sitting in his gorgeous little cottage with absolutely nothing good to say.

_Think, Bella. Think_.

I took and deep breath and looked at Edward. Really looked at him. He looked tired and worn out. He looked ..._sad._

Maybe he wasn't speaking to me since I embarrassed him the other night in front of his family. He was just offering me coffee to be polite. The Edward in front of me now was shy and withdrawn. I'd taken the wind out of his sails.

God, I'm such a jerk.

"Listen Edward...I'm...I'm really sorry about the other night."

His head popped up and his eyes met mine for the first time since we had come inside. He looked surprised and confused.

"I shouldn't have embarrassed you like that in front of your family. I feel awful about it. It was rude of me." I looked down at my hands, laughing humorlessly at myself when I realized how stupid I must have looked this morning. "And then I fall asleep on your porch this morning...God, you must think I'm an idiot."

I chanced a glance in his direction. He had his arms crossed over his chest, leaning back against the counter, smiling at me.

His smile broke out into a laugh. A real laugh.

"W-what are you laughing at?"

"You are the strangest woman I have ever met, Bella Swan." he replied, still grinning. He turned to filled our mugs with coffee.

"Cream and sugar?"

"No thank you, black is fine." I replied.

He raised an eye brow at me for a moment before shrugging and loading his coffee with cream and numerous packets of sugar.

"How do you mean I'm strange? I mean, sleeping on your porch, I'll admit was a little weird but I didn't realize I'd pass out like that. And I had no idea it was your house."

"You clearly heard me make an insulting assumption about you to my sister, you deal with my badgering all saturday night, you bring my dog back to me after he chewed his way out of his leash this morning and yet _you_ are the one to apologize?"

_Oh._

"Ummm...yes?"

He laughed and shook his head at me, taking a sip of his coffee. Or rather, his cream and sugar with a hint of coffee.

"The first time I saw you you were riding your bike through town with a big grin on your face like that happiest person on earth. All by yourself." he laughed.

"You saw me before you came into my shop?"

He stopped laughing and looked down at his mug.

"Well yeah, uh...I mean, just once. I was in town to pick up some stuff. Like Alice said, I'm a local. You'll see me around."

He cleared his throat once and then looked at me, more serious now.

"I should be the one apologizing for the other night, Bella."

I almost choked on my own tongue when I heard him say my name again. I took a sip of my coffee and waved him off. Water under the bridge. Especially if he says my name like that.

"I'm sure your boyfriend doesn't like me much." he said. His eyes darkened as he watched me, waiting for an answer.

Now it was my turn to laugh. He looked at me curiously until I answered him.

"Jake is definitely not my boyfriend. But you're right. He doesn't like you much."

Edward nodded in defeat with that crooked smile again.

"Alice likes you." he said simply.

"Well, I'm glad. I like her too. You have a lovely family, Edward." I said genuinely.

The expression on his face didn't change, a small smile of gratitude on his lips. But I could see in his eyes that something had shifted.

"You made quite an impression on them." he said.

"I don't know how I managed that, but I'm happy to have new friends in a new town."

I smiled at him, reaching down to rub Bosley's furry head. I liked this Edward. Though he was still hauntingly mysterious, he was calm. He was present. And his voice sounded soothing to me. Unlike the other night when it was arrogant and sarcastic.

Perhaps I misjudged him. Perhaps he was realizing that he misjudged me as well.

"Maybe you and I should start over then." I offered. "Friends?"

Edward's smile weakened just slightly, disappearing all together as he took another sip from his mug. He set it down slowly on the counter top and looked up at me. His eyes were dark and penetrating, but they looked to be pleading with me. For what, I didn't know.

"We shouldn't be friends, Bella."

The little glow of hope I had felt just a moment before went out like a light as he spoke.

"And why is that?" I asked, a hint of annoyance ringing in my tone. Why couldn't we be friends? Was it that hard for him to try and be social with people? Why did he even invite me in if he didn't think we should be friends?

"It complicated."

"Complicated..."

He nodded in confirmation.

I looked down at my mug, feeling a little pang of hurt that I couldn't explain. I shouldn't care so much. But Edward had me more intrigued than anyone I had ever met before. And if I wasn't mistaken, he was curious about me too. Even with all of his attitude, here I was. He invited me in. Why do this only to tell me we couldn't be friends? Why did he dig around asking questions about Forks Saturday night? Why did he watch me the way he did? The way he's watching me now.

His mouth tells me one thing, but his eyes tell me something entirely different. The plea in them made sense now.

"What are you so afraid of?" I asked.

He swallowed hard and his jaw clenched. His eyes, once briefly vulnerable, hardened. His gaze dropped from mine.

"It's not fear, Bella. It's just how it is. Like I said, complicated."

He wasn't budging. He had shut down. And so quickly. I was disappointed. More than I liked to admit. Did he not have close friends? Or did he just not want to be friends with _me_?

I nodded only once, showing him I understood. Though a part of me knew he was full of shit. I laughed once, without humor, letting him know his answer was one I didn't buy.

But somehow, I didn't have the right words to argue with him. I couldn't convince him to like me. I wasn't about to _make_ anyone be my friend.

But the disappointment was more than I wanted to admit.

I certainly didn't feel like sticking around. I felt the heat in my face and warm prickle in the back of my eyes.

_Stupid. _

I bit my lower lip as I stood awkwardly from my chair, walking around the little island to put my mug in the sink.

Edward stood right beside the faucet, almost entirely in front of it. I expected that he might move to the side in order to let me rinse my mug and leave, but he didn't.

I hesitated for a moment before reaching around him. He never moved, he only watched me.

My face was inches away from his shoulder, my body facing his, twisted just slightly in my reach to the sink. I could smell him. Like clean linen and only a tiny hint of pine.

My breast grazed his arm accidentally as I turned on the faucet. Goosebumps broke out along my collarbone, where I could feel his warm breath.

In my peripheral vision I saw his eyes, watching me as I swished the water around in my mug before dumping it down the drain and turning off the water.

I set my mug down carefully, blushing the entire time at the awareness of how close we were.

I realized that if I turned my head and looked up, our faces would only be inches apart.

I couldn't do it at first. I felt him watching me, neither of us breathing. It was as if I had entered his orbit and was now subject to his current, his energy, this magnetic pull.

The desire to kiss him was overwhelming. I looked up just enough to lay my eyes on his lips. They looked so soft, Parted the tiniest bit. I felt his eyes on mine too and finally chanced a look up into those emerald orbs.

His pupils dilated as our eyes connected and he swallowed thickly. He didn't move or blink, he just looked at me. He was searching me. For what I didn't know, but I felt more vulnerable than I had in years. It was unsettling.

It was exciting.

He seemed to have a moment of clarity and started to blink before clearing his throat and looking away from me.

Ahh. That's right. Edward doesn't _want_ to be friends.

My heart dropped a little, realizing that this palpable tension between us could never be ignited because it was _complicated_.

_Time to leave, Bella. _

I didn't look him in the eye as I took two steps backwards and away from him. His body was still leaning in towards me, though his eyes were now looking everywhere _but_ me.

"I'll just..." I didn't even finish my sentence before I was walking out of the kitchen and into the mud room, hastily putting my damp sneakers on.

I struggled for a moment, almost falling over trying to wriggle into the damn shoes. I knelt down quickly to tie them up.

Something caught my eye and stopped me.

Just above the baseboard trim on the wall next to me was a faint little drawing. It looked as though time had faded the purple crayon that adorned the small space. Three stick figures held hands in a row. Two larger stick figure people and one smaller one. Each had their own little label, written by what looked like a 4 or 5 year old.

"Momma, Daddy... _Edward_."

I reached my hand out to touch the family portrait. I ran my fingers underneath it reverently, careful not to let my fingers cause it to fade any further. I lingered beneath the smallest little figure.

_What happened to them, Edward_?

I rose to my feet, startled to find Edward in the mud room door way, looking down at the wall where my hands had been. His face was paler than before. He looked like a lost little boy.

"Edward I..."

He looked up at me, emotionless.

"Goodbye, Bella." he said. No tone attached to his voice at all. Just a flat, resounding, _get out_.

He turned his back to me and disappeared into his kitchen again.

In less then about ten seconds I was out the door and down the stairs, my feet moving swiftly across the sand and pebbles back in the direction of my trail.

The sun was brighter now, the morning in full swing.

But the joy it had brought me earlier was gone. My mind was consumed with Edward.

What the _hell_ had just happened?

That moment between us...it was...it was undeniably intense. There was no way he couldn't have felt it too. The drawing on the wall...his face when he saw me touching it. Maybe I shouldn't have. What was I thinking?

Complicated. Complicated. Complicated.


	4. Chapter 4

My dog whined at the front door as it shut behind her. I heard her feet hit the porch steps until the sound disappeared in the sand and onto the pebble beach.

_Dammit._

"Bosley, cut it out." I groaned.

I let out a sigh I didn't realize I'd been holding and looked down in defeat at my undeniably adorable dog.

I winced as I thought about the morning that had just blown by me.

I shouldn't have invited her in in the first place.

She was already too close.

_Well nicely done, Edward. You scared her away_.

It's better this way. Isn't it?

I dumped my coffee down the drain and placed my mug in the sink. Right beside hers. A small part of me thought it was strange to see two mugs there beside each other instead of just one.

She had been right here, so close I could smell her. She smelled fucking amazing. Her scent was floral and light. It calmed me somehow. I hadn't been able to stop watching her, breathing her in. Even when I knew better, I wanted to kiss her.

I grabbed the mess of sketch papers I'd left carelessly on the counter earlier. She almost saw them. What would she have thought when she saw sketches of her likeness on the pages?

_She'd think you're a fuckin creep._

I barely knew the girl, but in only a short time, I had already memorized her face well enough to sketch it.

Bella said that the rocking motion of the swing put her to sleep. It seems we have something in common. That's precisely why I took the boat out at two in the morning to see if maybe I could get some rest. The swaying motion was comforting to me as well.

I would have brought Bosley but the rocking doesn't always agree with him. And I did _not _feel like cleaning up dog puke that early in the morning. No fuckin thank you.

My head was too busy to sleep though. It was either nightmares of that night all those years ago, or an embarrassing repeat of Alice's dinner party playing over and over in my head. I'd been rude and invasive and arrogant, when really I was just nervous as hell. And I _hated_ it. But most of all I thought about Bella. She was driving me crazy. I wanted to hate her for making me so curious about her. For making me want to even think about being close to someone again.

For making me just _want_ her.

Imagine my surprise when I find the girl who has been plaguing my brain asleep with my dog on my front porch.

She looked..._.God, _she looked gorgeous.

I had no idea what to do when I walked onto that porch. I didn't want to wake her, but I knew I needed to. I watched her sleep for a few minutes, observing the rise and fall of her chest, the way her little body looked so long and lean stretched out across my swing. The child like innocence on her face while she slept.

I warred with myself. Everything about her drew me in. But she couldn't stay. She couldn't get close. She couldn't know me. Not really. She could never know what I'd done. The things I was responsible for.

The first time I'd seen her she really was grinning to herself on her bicycle. I'd been in my car on the way to the hardware store for some project supplies when I'd seen her. It was the smile that caught my attention most. I wanted to know what had made her so happy, so free. There was just something about her. It was familiar and foreign all at once.

I'd seen her a few more times before actually meeting her in her little shop.

Once, I saw her and that oversized res kid moving boxes into her apartment. Another time I saw her in her shop window, getting her hands dirty with potting soil. She was completely absorbed in the task in front of her. She was in her own universe it seemed.

The more I saw her, the more beautiful she became. Bella was small and petit, brown hair and eyes... She didn't have an in-your-face kind of beauty. She was certainly pretty at first glance. But it was only after you were close enough to her, after you'd seen the freckles on her face and flecks of gold in her brown eyes, after you had watched her laugh and smile, after you'd seen her in a backless dress, or after she'd put you in your fucking place...it was afterthat you realized how absolutely stunning she was.

When I came into her shop for the first time I was nervous - and pissed that I even felt that way. Girls didn't make me nervous. Never did. I was anxious for Alice to hurry up that day so I could get going, I had pieces to work on in the studio. Normally I would have waited in the car, but I was too curious.

The girl had a nice little shop. It was well kept and it smelled amazing. All the plants and flowers were pristine. I had been drawn to the lilies against my will. The white graceful petaled flowers seemed to pop up regularly in my life. I remembered them in my mother's garden, I remembered them at her funeral. I even had them tattooed on my arm in her memory. The large black and white shaded flowers wrapped around my bicep and over my shoulder, accompanied by a quarter sleeve of green leaves and more petals, reaching up and wrapping around the Cullen crest on my shoulder blade.

I never took the Cullen name when they adopted me out of some odd sense of obligation to my parents, but their crest on my shoulder was my tribute to them and the huge role they had played in my life after the accident.

And there I was, reliving the nightmare of my life as I looked at the lilies that day in Bella Swan's shop.

I wanted to answer her when she spoke to me. I wanted to focus on her voice and pull myself out of it. But I couldn't.

Even after I dropped Alice off at her house that day I couldn't find it in me to be social. I needed to paint.

Painting was home. Painting was safe. Painting was release. My work was so emotionally charged that I let it become my own form of therapy. When the memories became too much, when it all came to the surface again, I beat the shit out of my canvas with all the colors that made me _feel_. By the time I would finish, I'd be too exhausted to feel anything at all.

And not feeling anything at all made life so much simpler.

For a while after the accident I didn't realize I could do this with paint. I probably still owe Carlisle and Esme for the dry wall patch jobs in my old bedroom at their house. I wrecked some walls and broke some glass. My knuckles and hands had a few scars from numerous stitch jobs.

Esme was all about finding me an outlet or a hobby. I tried sports for a while, but I got in too many fights. Little things triggered me for a long time before time and therapy helped me find some control. I tried wood working, but I wasn't patient enough. She even tried to get me to try Tai Chi. Fuck that shit.

But she hit the jack pot when she handed me my first real set of paints. I can still see her face beaming at me after I'd spent the entire afternoon up in my room, unable to stop working.

Soon I was taking numerous art classes in and outside of school. I couldn't get enough. I didn't spend much time with friends from school, I didn't date much either. I was too wrapped up in my art and still too fucked up to make real connections with even my own cousins. I spent more and more of my time covered in paint, blasting music from my stereo and zoning out.

Luckily for me, this was how I made a living. I'd stood out in my college fine arts program, even though my liberal arts grades were fairly average. I got picked up by an agent my senior year and I'd had several since then. I'd honed my energy into a craft that could be successful for me. And it worked. I'd been lucky enough to show in not only local galleries and other university shows, but also in New York City and Los Angeles.

The money that I earned allowed me to live the private life that I needed. When I was old enough, I sold my parent's house and put the money into restoring our family cottage. The hefty inheritance left for me was plenty of help as well. My father was a rich man - not a good man - but a rich one. We used to spend the summers here in Riverdale. I'd loved this cottage when I was younger. My dad stopped taking us when things got bad. Until I bought it out and restored it, I hadn't been in it for eight years. This was the place where only good memories had happened. My parent's home harbored more painful memories than I could count. The cottage was the only good part of our lives together that I could stand to hold on to.

During college I came out of my shell a bit more. Time is a funny thing. They say it heals you. I think it makes you hazy and forgetful. It might sew your wounds together, but they never heal quite right. I could be a social person easily, I could be anyone I wanted to be if I tried hard enough. And I was good at it.

I knew how to be the kind of guy other dudes wanted to chill with. I knew how to be the guy that women wanted. I got so good at pretending to be all these different people and I liked it. It was easier than being me. But it hardened me in a lot of ways. It made me careless and rude at times like I was at Alice's house warming party. I was aware of it, but too proud to shut the hell up. I was used to dominating the discussions I had. I was used to always having the upper hand when I played the role of the social man. Bella pulled the rug out from under me. I'd be lying if I said my ego wasn't a little bruised. She humbled me.

I'd been with women but never for very long and never, ever in my cottage. My cottage was the one place I didn't have to pretend. I enjoyed intimate relationships, but only in the physical form. My shit was mine to worry about, my baggage wasn't to be exposed or shared. Women who wanted to 'really know' me were the kind of women I stayed away from. I didn't fall in love even if I could have. I never let it happen. I'd learned. I'd learned the hard way that loving someone meant having everything to lose in the end. The bigger the love, the greater the loss. It was a risk I didn't want to take. I knew the outcome. I'd already lost.

And besides, if they ever knew the truth about me, about what I did... they would leave anyway. Plain and simple.

The only one I truly loved besides my family, was Bosley. He had been a gift from Esme and Carlisle during some of my darker years after the accident. I think they thought he would help me cope, help me learn to be affectionate again.

I tried really hard not to love that dog, knowing it would only be painful to become emotionally invested in anyone. But he made it impossible not to love him.

When they first gave him to me I was already in trouble. He was just so goddamn cute. I made it my mission not to get attached. Beyond feeding him and walking him I did my very best to ignore him. He cried at night when I wouldn't let him sleep in my bed. He nipped at my heels when he wanted to play and I would push him away. I never beat him or yelled at him, but I was horrible to that dog. Even now when I look back on it, I have no idea why he loves me at all.

Soon he had learned my coldness and became a very quiet puppy. He started to not eat as much and I began to worry. I tried to feed him by hand and he wouldn't have any of it. He would mistake my outstretched hand for an offer to pet, which I wouldn't do. When he realized this, he would simply turn away from me and lay down. He didn't want my food, he wanted my affection. And I was too afraid to give it.

But I remember the night it all changed.

It was storming out and Bosley was crying from behind my bedroom door. He was still a puppy, still growing into his huge paws and ears. It took a lot of my will power to ignore him, but I did it. I slipped into a restless sleep that soon became a full on night terror.

Everything about _that_ night was in such clear, crisp focus. The memory of my mother's face, twisted in gruesome death, was too much. It was all just too _fucking_ much.

When I woke up I was sitting on my bathroom floor, my mirror in shards beneath me and my knuckles, hands, and elbows were covered in blood. And there was Bosley in the door way, crying and stumbling over his big puppy paws, trying to get over the glass and over to me.

I told him to stay away, afraid he might cut his paws open if he came in. With my head still reeling I turned to vomit in the toilet. I was so worked up. The nightmares always threw me into a darkness and a sorrow that I couldn't get away from. I could feel it in my gut.

When I was finished I focused on the task at hand, cleaning up glass and washing the blood off my hands. I was too exhausted to drive to the hospital, I knew I needed stitches, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I wrapped up my knuckles as best I could, took some pain pills and found Bosley waiting for me.

All my walls had become rubble that night and I couldn't stop myself from scooping up that big, dumb dog, putting him on my bed and crawling in beside him. I was so exhausted I couldn't even sleep. I just wept. Bosley put his head on my chest and watched me cry. It was the first time he had been calm all night. I needed comfort and finally let myself give in to it. Bosley needed it too. We needed each other. It was as if we both just needed this breakdown to happen before we could move on again.

I still have night terrors once in a blue moon. I wake up and I don't know how I got where I am. But wherever I wander in my sleep, Bosley follows, watching over me loyally. And since that night, I've been unable to_ not_ love that damn dog.

I started to work harder at taking care of him and training him. His appetite returned full strength. He was now officially a fat ass dog. But I loved him. Away from the world in our cottage by the beach, we were safe.

My cottage was pretty sacred to me. No one other than Esme, Carlisle or my cousins had stepped foot in this house.

Not until Bella.

_I still don't know how I let that happen. _

I took my little stack of sketches and marched up the stairs to the second floor. When I remodeled I made a fairly large floor plan, leaving one end of the floor entirely devoted to studio space and the other into a master suite. I dropped the sketches onto my work desk and headed into the other room, glancing at my unmade king sized bed.

For a split second I imagined Bella there. I could picture her lying in my bed with her bare back towards me, sound asleep.

The thought made me..._content_.

But then I saw her face in my mind as she left this morning. Disappointed. Sad. Hurt. And probably pissed and confused.

I walked into my bathroom, stopping for a moment to observe the man in the mirror.

_Jesus, I look like shit_.

There were dark rings beginning to form underneath my eyes. I looked paler than usual. I needed to shave.

I wondered briefly what Bella really saw when she looked at me.

_Why the fuck does it matter? You ruined your chances with her anyway._

I stripped out of my clothes quickly, turning on the scalding hot spray inside of my glass shower. Even though I knew my skin would be a fleshy, raw pink afterwards, the steam, the slight pain, the sound of water...it all cleared my head usually. I tried to let the morning's events fade away from me, but Bella's image would not leave my mind.

I wanted her to come back. To be here.

But for her sake and mine, it couldn't happen. Could it?

I felt the heat of the shower sear my back and legs. I hissed, feeling it bring me to the present for a moment.

But when my body adjusted, my mind was with Bella again. Or rather she was with me, in my shower. The haze of steam lingering over her, a warm cloud of glistening moisture hanging about her naked body. Piercing eyes, searching me. Always searching me. Round hips, the swell of her breasts, pink, taught nipples and rosy cheeks, long, smooth legs and the wetness between them.

I groaned at the thought of her like this. Naked for me. Wanting me. I reached out and placed one hand against the stone tile wall while the other wrapped around my cock.

If I lost myself enough to it all, I could pretend she was here. Her hot, wet little mouth wrapped around me, while those beautiful brown doe eyes looked up at mine.

I wondered what she tasted like. I wanted my mouth on her just as much as I wanted hers on me. I wanted to know the look of ecstasy that adorned her face when she came.

I wanted her too much.

I came easily, as I had at least twice since seeing her saturday. That backless dress had been a game changer. I groaned loudly, part in pleasure and part in pure frustration. I couldn't have her. And that's how it had to be.

Normally, I'd fuck her out of my system and leave. I'd be anyone I needed to be until I could have her the way I wanted. But something about her stopped me.

Deep down I knew it wouldn't be enough. I couldn't _need _her.

I couldn't need anyone. I'd never hurt anyone like that again.

I shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping myself in a thick towel and feeling my skin tingle with the change in temperature.

I looked at myself in the mirror again. I still looked like shit.

I deconstructed my own image into palette hues of color. Pale ivory, sickly yellow, indigo blue, wine red and bone white.

When I thought of Bella I saw every warm, rich color I could think of. She was so much more..._alive_.

Walking into my room I headed towards my closet. I was happy to pull out my warmer clothes as the autumn rolled in. I threw on some dark wash jeans and a black v-necked sweater.

I grabbed my sketchbook, my laptop and a pencil and went down the stairs.

Bosley followed me out onto the front porch, wagging his tail happily. I didn't look at the scribbles on the mud room wall that Bella had just seen this morning. I never liked to look at it, but I couldn't bring myself to paint over it when I remodeled.

I made myself comfortable on the bench swing, pulling an ottoman close to put my feet up on. Opening up my laptop, I tapped into the world for a few minutes, checking my emails.

When I wasn't preparing for a show, I did freelance graphic work or illustrations for whoever would hire me for the job. I'd made quite a network of connections for myself doing this. I'd done wine labels, packaging themes, menu or even tattoo designs. I'd painted signs for small businesses in town or helped reinvent logos. It wasn't always the most thrilling, but it was just another outlet for some creativity and new skills. The side cash was fun to play with as well. I was saving up to go to Europe again this coming summer.

_Maybe thats exactly what I need. To just get the fuck out of here for a while. _

I answered a few emails and checked the local listings for any side jobs I might be able to pick up. I sketched some ideas for an album cover for my friend Garrett's band, Volturi. I was going into town to see them play tonight at one of the locals bars.

I wondered idly what kind of music Bella listened to.

As it usually did when I was working on a project, time escaped me. The morning slipped away and soon it was just past noon. My hands and my pencil had been busy for a few hours now but it only felt like maybe thirty minutes had passed. This happened to me often.

My phone ringing made me jump, scaring Bosley in the process.

"Jesus..."

It was Alice.

"Hey, Al."

"Edward! I'm glad I caught you." she said, talking at the speed of light as usual. "I need you to do me a hugggeee favor."

I sighed, leaning back against the swing.

"What do you need, Al?"

I could never say no to Alice. Even when I really, really wanted to. She was my sister, adopted or not, that's who she was to me.

I remember staying my first night with the Cullens about a week after the accident. I was sixteen, scared shitless, grieving and angry. I couldn't eat the dinner that Esme had prepared. I remember her watching me with sad eyes, hoping I would eat. The family was somber. Carlisle especially. I couldn't look at him.

It was because of me his sister was dead.

Nobody spoke much to me that day and if they did, it was in hushed, sympathetic tones. They all let me be for the most part. But Alice never left me alone. She was constantly trying to make me laugh or smile, making a royal ass out of herself in the process. But she didn't care what anyone thought, she was determined to bring me out of it, even if only for a minute.

At first I hated it. She annoyed me to no end. I didn't want to laugh. I didn't think I could. I yelled at her, I pushed her away. I even made her cry.

But she held my hand through the entirety of my parent's funeral. Her hand was my life line that day.

As much as we fought, Alice had me right where she wanted me.

"Listen, can you come with me to Bella's shop today? Mom pulled out all her welcome wagon stops and made her some ridiculous amount of food. She had to run to a meeting and asked me to drop it all off. Jasper's on a conference call and I need help carrying stuff."

_Ahh shit_.

"Please? I can't even lift the soup pot by myself, it's huge!"

I sighed. Esme was probably the most caring and thoughtful woman in the world. And she loved to cook. If she made you food, you were family. I knew just by watching her at the dinner table that she already thought pretty highly of Bella. And the compassionate heart she had couldn't stand that Bella lived alone. Motherly instincts and all that shit.

This was not helpful in my plans to avoid Bella Swan.

"Oh come on, Edward. It'll only take an hour! Please?"

I rolled my eyes and looked out across the porch to the water. I noticed a pop of color on the porch railing that wasn't there before. A rag tag little bunch of wild flowers were arranged in one of my paint jars.

_Bella. _

"Fine, Al. I'll do it."

"Thank you! Yes! Perfect. Come over my house at two and we can load up the car. And please be nice to Bella today, Edward. She's a good girl. She's not some tramp like Tanya either so don't try anything funny..."

_And now she rambles. _

I ended our phone conversation with as minimal attitude as I could manage. My hands ran through my hair roughly, as they often did when I felt anxiety.

I was a little torn. Even though I knew it would be awkward after this morning, I wanted to see Bella again. I had absolutely no idea how to behave around her. She seemed to have that effect on me.

With other women, it was easy to read what kind of man they wanted. Some wanted a confident, borderline arrogant and successful man. Some wanted funny. Some wanted brooding and artistic. I could easily shape shift into any one of these characters. I knew what they wanted and exactly how to behave to get what _I_ wanted.

But Bella was unreadable. Something about her held a sense of purity. Her personality thus far demanded nothing more from me than honesty. I couldn't fit a type for her. I had no idea what that was. But I knew she was real and genuine. She should expect nothing less than the same.

I didn't know if I could do real and genuine. It had been so long since I had been that honest with even myself.

But she made me want to be.

I didn't know how I felt about that.

I did a lot of pacing until it came time to head to Alice's. I was counting down minutes until I had to leave, trying to fill them with things that wouldn't allow to think too much. I called Mac and gave him some information for the gallery interviews. I dutifully folded laundry and cleaned up my work area, throwing out bad sketches, cruddy newspaper and old beer cans. I tossed Bosley a treat he probably didn't need.

_Damn. I gotta run with that fat dog some more_...

I slapped together a peanut butter and banana sandwich, downing it with a glass of milk before grabbing my keys and heading out the back door to the car.

I pulled up to Alice's house a few minutes later and she was already waiting for me outside.

"You're late." she grinned.

"Shut up."

She bounced up the stairs to the door, yet again in a ridiculously tall pair of heels.

"Do you even own sneakers?"

"Sneakers are for soccer moms and gym teachers."

I laughed. Alice never worked out a day in her life. She was horrible at sports. She used to bring nail polish to PE in high school. Some how, a combination of her freaky metabolism and family genetics kept her as tiny as she was. That, and I was pretty sure her and Jasper fucked constantly.

_Ew. _

I followed her into the house back to the kitchen where there was one gigantic pot of soup wrapped and ready to go, a crock pot with some kind of casserole looking thing in it, a big basket of homemade wheat bread, a large cake box and a jug of cider.

Typical Esme.

One trip at a time I loaded my Volvo with the feast. Not much later we were pulling up to Bella's shop.

I could feel myself taking shallower breaths than usual. I was nervous. It was a feeling I detested.

I could see Bella through the large shop front windows. She was using floral sheers to trim an arrangement she was working on.

Her expression was one of focus and concentration. But the usual happy and carefree glow around her was gone. A practiced observer would know immediately that something heavy was on her mind. She was frustrated.

I felt a pang of shame.

She had her long hair pulled back into a loose and wavy braid that hung over one shoulder. A few wispy strands fell down around her face. The blush on her cheeks was a pale pink. Her nose was a little red.

Before I knew it, the shop door was jingling as we entered. I stayed behind Alice, waiting and watching her carefully.

"Hey Bella!"

_God, Alice. Volume control_.

Bella gave a small jump and looked up at us wide eyed. Her eyes jumped from Alice to me, staying locked with mine for just a moment longer.

"H-hey...what are you guys doing here?" she asked, putting on her best smile for Alice.

"We come bearing welcome gifts!"

Bella looked at her, confused but smiling. "What are you up to Alice..."

She came out from behind the counter she was working at, wiping her wet hands on her apron and pocketing the sheers.

I took a moment to look at the arrangement she was working on while Alice explained Esme's gifts.

I didn't know the names of every flower, but her color palette was _magnificent_. Deep, rich purples and greens with the accents of burnt orange petals here and there. The different textures of each chosen plant worked in harmony together. Twisting vine like sprouts accompanied linear lines of straight stemmed buds. It all worked together flawlessly.

Bella was an artist too.

"Alice, I can't take all of this! Esme didn't have to do anything like this for me." she said. She seemed genuinely taken aback with Esme's gesture.

"Oh don't be silly. This is how Mom works. She really likes you, Bella. Besides, you won't have to go grocery shopping for a week with all the stuff she made you! Come on, Ed. Lets bring it in."

I rolled my eyes. I hated it when she called me Ed. Ed, Eddie...no thank you.

She skipped past me and out the door. I caught the handle and made to follow her, but I couldn't stop myself before I looked back to see Bella, watching me. She was confused, clearly. She looked like she wanted to say something but didn't know where to begin.

We stared at one another for what felt like minutes. Both of us searching without even knowing what it was we were looking for. It became clear to me in that moment that perhaps both of us were equally lost. And while we didn't know what the answers were, we somehow felt they were in each other.

At least I was beginning to see that was true for_ me_.

I softened my stance as best I could, still feeling anxiety in my bones. I shrugged gently at her, trying to tell her I was just as confused, and didn't have any answers for her either.

Alice was already back through the door with the bread basket, totally oblivious to the stillness in the room. Bella snapped out of it sooner than I did, smiling graciously and taking the bread basket from Alice, who was making a show out of how heavy it was.

Such a baby.

"Edward would you get a move on? We gotta get some of this food in Bella's fridge!"

"Oh, that's right." said Bella, shaking her head as if just snapping out of it. "You can bring them right up to my apartment. I'll open the door for you."

Gathering what I could from the car, I followed Bella and Alice up a flight of stairs on the right side of the shop towards the back.

As Bella fumbled with her keys I started to get excited almost. I was curious to see where she lived. People's houses can teach you a lot about them. I wanted to_ learn_ Bella, even if I was trying so hard not to. The desire was still present.

She opened the door up to a rather tiny apartment. The main door opened right up to the kitchen. Everything was so _clean_.

There was a moderately sized, wooden kitchen table in the center of the room that of course, had a gorgeous arrangement of flowers in the center of it. The sink, oven, cupboards and counter tops wrapped around it in an L shape against the outer walls. The fridge, luckily, was closest to the door.

"You can just set it all on this table or on the counter and I'll make room for it in my fridge." Bella said, fidgeting a little.

She was nervous. Or uncomfortable. Or something. Maybe she wasn't sure about us being in her personal space.

Or maybe she was just unsure of having _me_ in her personal space.

"I'll help you with the last of it." she said to Alice, about to follow her down the stairs.

She stopped abruptly though, and turned around, busying herself over the counter. I couldn't see what she was doing, the refrigerator blocked my view.

I started to head down the stairs, but stopped just outside the door frame to peek back and watch her. She was putting things away into the drawers under the sink almost frantically. I couldn't tell what it was, but it was obvious that she didn't want Alice or I to see. I thought I heard the rattling sound of a pill bottle...a couple of them... but I couldn't be sure. She shoved in a few magazines after whatever it was she needed to hide, making a small show of tidying up.

She shut the drawer quickly and turned to follow us down to the ground floor, pausing when she saw me watching her. A blush immediately crept over her cheeks. She looked..._afraid_.

She cleared her throat and managed to put a weak smile back on. Her hands came to the neck line of her t-shirt, lifting it up unnecessarily and smoothing it down against her chest. Her arms wrapping around her body as if she were protecting herself.

"Shall we?" she said, gesturing towards the stairs. Her tone was polite but cold and her eyes narrowed at me. Understandable, considering the way we left things this morning.

I moved aside to let her pass in front of me. She paused again, close to me. Much too close to me. I could smell her again, feel her body heat radiating from her as we stood on the same step.

She took a breath, opening her mouth to speak. She stopped herself twice before squaring her shoulders and looking me in the eye.

"How is it, Edward, that you tell me you don't want to be friends one morning and yet the same afternoon wind up on my door step?" she asked, looking me directly in the eyes. The assertiveness had me on my toes.

Once again, Bella surprises me. She doesn't play games or beat around the bush. And she certainly doesn't play dumb.

"It's..."

"Complicated. I know." she interrupted. "Did you ever think for once that you aren't the only one with a complicated life? You'll have to do better than that, Edward."

She was quiet for a moment, her eyes on my lips and nose. When she looked back up at me, her tone was hushed.

"Why are you here?" she asked ever so quietly.

"Alice ...called me to lend a hand..." I spoke through a deep sigh, trying to make an excuse. Why the hell _was_ I here?

"Why did you say yes? She could have called anyone she wanted to come help had you said no. Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett... You knew she was coming _here_. If you don't want anything to do with me, why come?"

I swallowed once and looked down at her. I could lie. I could tell Alice had me running her around for errands and stopped here without my knowing. But somehow I couldn't form an answer for her. I just knew I wanted to see her again.

Our gaze was unwavering, locked on each other. The intensity of it was more than I could handle. Yet neither of us looked away.

"Why did you come, Edward?" she practically whispered. Her face was so close to mine. She stepped forward ever so slightly. My body, without my permission, moved forward as well. Like magnets we moved towards one another.

My eyes were adhered to her face. Her eyes, her nose, her lips. In a breath's time I was inches away from her. Our mouths aligning, eyes asking permission. I could feel her warm breath gently move across my face. I wanted to kiss her so fucking badly.

And she hadn't pulled away yet. She was waiting for me to do it.

I put one hand on the wall behind her and stepped forward again, her body moving back against the wall and mine moving even closer to hers.

Her eyes became half lidded as she watched my face move even closer to hers. I touched my nose to hers gently, sweeping it against hers. I slowly let out a nervous, shuttering breath, letting my eyes close as I leaned in to close the distance between us.

Our lips had barely touched, the softness of her mouth only a brief sensation before Alice's shrill, barbie doll voice echoed from the shop below.

"Edward! All that's left is the pot of soup! Can you grab it?"

We both froze, eyes wide open now, looking at each other, waiting for the other to move. My top lip was still touching hers.

_You can't do this, Edward_.

Reality came crashing down on me. I'd gotten caught up too quickly in the gorgeous girl in front of me._ I can't do this._

I growled lowly in frustration, wincing as I lifted my mouth from hers. My hand became a fist on the wall before I turned away from Bella, still frozen in front of me, and moved quickly down the stairs. Away from her warmth, her scent, her mouth..._God,_ her mouth. I went straight out the front door, ignoring the damn jingle of the welcome bell and opening the trunk in a hurry.

I heaved the soup pot out of the trunk and back into the shop in record speed. Bella had come down stairs and was chatting with Alice, her composure returning to her.

I made quick work of getting up the stairs and setting the pot down unceremoniously on the wooden table.

As soon as I was back down the stairs I was ready to get out of there. Cause if I didn't I would either say something stupid or just ending up kissing her the way I wanted to. Both were bad ideas

"Al, let's go and let Bella get back to work." I said carefully. Unable to look Bella in the eyes. "I think we've bothered her enough for one day."

Bella opened her mouth to argue but Alice was already hugging her.

"Oh, Edward's right. I hope we didn't bug you too much. Listen, call me when you close up shop. Are you doing anything tonight?"

"Oh um...my friend Angela is coming to visit. I don't know what we have planned for tonight yet..." Bella said distractedly.

"Well I'm on my own tonight. Jasper's working late. Maybe Rose and I could meet you two and we'll have a girls night out?"

Blah blah blah... Alice.

"I'll be in the car." I interjected. I nodded once at Bella before leaving the shop.

In the safety of my car I let out a long breath. I hadn't been breathing right all afternoon.

_What the hell just happened? _

No. _No._ That couldn't happen again. I had to stop thinking. I needed an out. A distraction. Anything.

I picked up my cell phone and dialed. After three rings, she picked up.

"Edward?" God she was so much better when she stopped talking.

"Hey Tanya..."

"Hey youuu. So glad you called. I haven't heard from you in a while. I missed my Eddie."

Ew.

"Um yeah, so listen. I need to get fucked up tonight. My buddy Garrett's band is playing at Eclipse tonight. You game?"

"Absolutely."

**Hey everybody :) Hope you're enjoying the story so far. Much much more to come! I've loved your feedback so far. The more reviews the faster the update! **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi all. I'm not a medical expert, so just go with me on this one okay? I'll do my best. Thanks for your feedback so far! Please read and review! The more reviews I get the sooner the update! xo **

I was sure that my face was still glowing various shades of red while Alice was saying goodbye. Edward was already out the door, out of my shop as fast as he could manage.

I was more confused now than ever before.

I tried to silence my own head so that I could concentrate on Alice's conversation with me instead of staring out the window like an idiot. But that was proving to be easier in theory than in practice.

His mouth...his body..._so close_ to me. Everything about what just happened on my staircase was vibrant, electric, new. We were buzzing, glowing human beings. The way he looked at me...so much _want_. And still so much more I had yet to understand.

In the same breath he could manage to piss me off and then make me melt.

And then he's gone again. Out my door, leaving me dumbstruck.

"...anyway, you and Angela can meet us there. They've got an _adorable_ bartender I think you'd just loooove, Bella. So we'll meet you there at ten?"

Whoa. What?

"Oh - sorry what's this place called again?" I practically stuttered.

"Eclipse. It's downtown. Here's the address." she took a moment to scribble on a post it note from my front counter and handed it to me. "I can't wait to meet Angela!"

Oh. Okay. Right. Eclipse, ten o'clock. Got it. _Wait, when did I agree to this_? My own obliviousness had gotten me into a girls night out. I could have settled for some pajamas and a movie tonight with Ang, but how does one say no to Alice? Plus, Angela would love Alice and Rose.

I guess we are going out tonight.

"I better go before Edward starts laying on the horn." Alice giggled, rolling her eyes. "I'll see you tonight!"

"O-okay! Thanks again, Alice. Give my love to Esme." I called after her as she practically skipped out the door.

The shop door closed with the jingle of the welcome bell and I found myself staring at it for a few minutes, standing in one place, unable to really move. In my head I wasn't here at all. I was back upstairs, pressed against the wall with Edward's body enclosing around me.

I had to smile a little. Maybe Edward didn't want to be friends...but he did _want_ me. Perhaps I should have been upset about this, but it was nice to feel wanted. It had been a while since anybody made me feel that way.

And then he left so quickly...he couldn't even look at me.

Now I worried.

Maybe he realized I _wasn't _what he wanted. Maybe he was freaked out by Alice's interruption or the timing or maybe he had seen me hiding my pills. He looked like he could hardly wait to get away from me.

What does that even mean?

Goddamnit.

I forced myself to focus, cleaning up the shop a bit and calling back a few customers about orders for next week. I talked to Charlie for a bit and said hi to Sue, feeling a little lonesome in my apartment.

I couldn't wait to see Angela. I'd have to fill her in on all of this Edward nonsense and see what she thought. She was always good with boys. I gave her a call to let her know where we were going tonight. She was determined to wear a "bitchin' get up."

Oh, Angie.

Angela was a tall, petit brunette. She had shoulder length, dark straight hair, green eyes and a sly smile. When she finally showed up at the shop she was wearing dark wash skinny jeans and grey pumps. There was a pretty blue baby doll neck shirt under her fitted navy blazer. She had her glasses on and her hair up. We nick named her glasses her 'sexy nerd goggles.' She looked hot, had the mouth of a trucker, and she had more brains than she knew what to do with. That was always Angela.

Guys were always drawn to her because of her hot librarian looks and her witty sense of humor. It worked like a charm every time.

"Ang! Lookin' good, mama." I cat called from the top of the stairs.

"Bella baby!"

She ran up the stairs to meet me, dropping her bag in my doorway and giving me a giant squeeze. She pulled back and looked me up and down. I was still in my work clothes from the day. But Angela wasn't concerned with what I wore. She studied my face for a moment, eyes narrowing in observation.

"Spill."

She knew me all too well. I wasn't very good at hiding my emotions. She knew I was conflicted about something as soon as she looked me in the eyes. I couldn't help but laugh at her unfailing intuition, pulling her in for another hug and bringing her inside the apartment.

I gave her the tour of the apartment and the shop. It was around seven and the sky was getting darker. I threw on the pot of Esme's amazing wild rice and vegetable soup and proceeded to spend the next hour filling in my best friend about the enigma that was Edward Masen.

"_What_ is this fucker's deal?"

"I honestly don't know, Ang." I shrugged, swallowing a warm spoonful of soup.

"Well at least we know he probably wants to bang you." She deadpanned. With a straight face she continued to butter some wheat bread before stuffing it in her mouth.

I almost spit out the contents of my mouth all over the table and all over Angela's 'bitchin' get up.'

"But why did he bolt out of here so quickly? Maybe he realized I was a mistake?"

"Oh come on, Bells. This whole push and pull act is gonna have to end at some point. It's obvious the guy has some issues, but _you_ aren't the problem here. He wouldn't have tried to kiss you if he hadn't _wanted_ to."

I nodded, knowing she was right.

"I wish he had." I said quietly. "I mean... really kissed me."

Ang put down her spoon slowly and looked at me with wide eyes.

"Girl, you_ like _him."

"I don't know. Yes. No. He's an ass. Nope... Yeah-I mean- no. He drives me crazy! I just want to know more about him that's all..."

"And you haven't thought once about what it would be like to get in bed with that..."

"I..."

"You so have!" she smirked at me and laughed.

I was definitely guilty. Edward was a beautiful man, with or without his whiplash inducing mood swings.

"I bet he has a nice package. The broody types usually do..." she trailed off.

I had to laugh at that.

The humorous light in Ang's eyes became serious for a moment as she looked at me.

"Just be careful, Bells. I'd love to see you happy with somebody - you deserve that. But don't be blind. Pretty boys are the worst. So hot they distract you from how shitty they can treat you. They take what they want and leave. I don't know Edward yet, but don't be that girl."

I nodded, knowing she was right. Sound advice from a seasoned pro. I had to stay on my toes.

I forgot how nice it was having Angela with me. I had loved living with her in college. She was single handedly responsible for my shift in wardrobe from little girl to college student. I hadn't realized how nice it would have been to have a mother until I met her. She taught me about hair and make up and clothes and shoes. She taught me about boys, coached me about sex and love. I was almost nostalgic as she went straight to my closet after dinner and helped me pick out something to wear.

She had me put on a pair of pretty patterned black tights from my drawer underneath a short dark denim skirt. On top I wore a loose, flowing, light sweater that fell off of one shoulder. It was fitted around my small waist but comfortable and loose in a carefree way about my shoulders and breasts. I wore a long, dangling necklace that Sue gave me for Christmas once. It had a single silver bicycle charm on it, a quirky little gift to commemorate my love of bike riding once I was recovered from my transplant.

I wondered briefly what Renee would think if she saw me now. If she even knew that I had survived. That I'd been to hell and back and lived. Would she want to see me now that I didn't have an IV for an extra limb? Now that I was..._normal_? I erased the thoughts as Ang helped me find a pair of shoes. I'd rather have _her_ for a friend, a sister, a mentor...than have my mother. It was sad, but it was my reality.

I put on a pair of knee high, black, slouching leather boots that had a small heel on them.

"Damn, woman. God loves you for running thats for sure. Your legs and ass are killer." Angela whistled once, giving me a look up and down. "And I see those boobs, girl..."

"Hey, you have your sexy nerd goggles and I have my push up bra."

"Noted. Now, lemme do your hair!"

Angela twisted my hair into a bohemian looking side braid. Loose and natural. Perfect for me. A light touch of make up, a piece of Esme's carrot cake and one shot of rum later, we were in my car on our way to the bar. That was the one good thing for Angela about my inability to drink. She always had a designated driver.

I could hear the music before I could even see the place.

Eclipse was one of many bars in the downtown strip. It's dark pub windows were lit up with various neon signs promoting ales and loggers, whiskey and live music. It sounded like the band was cranking tonight. Bluesy electric guitar riffs immediately caught our attention. I shot Alice a text letting her know we were there.

I followed Angela through the front doors, the two of us already bouncing a little in our steps to the music. Inside it was dimly lit and pretty packed. The bar was on our right, tables and booths on our left. The band was at the back of the bar, glowing under the lit stage. I had no idea how we were going to find a table, or even space at the bar. The place was full of people.

"Bella! Over here!"

Leave it to Alice to find us a booth and claim it as her own. I imagined her wrestling four giant biker dudes to nab that spot. Not to mention I was already impressed with how her tiny body could project enough to get my attention across a noisy room. Her little hand shot up and waved frantically at me from the booth she was sitting in.

I grabbed Angie and wove us through a maze of bar folks to meet Alice and Rose.

"Hey guys!"

Both girls looked beautiful as usual. Alice was in black leggings and a dark floral print dress, her usual high heels finishing the ensemble. Rose looked dressed to kill in a red, skin tight shirt and long skinny jeans, a pair of black high heeled pumps on her feet. There was a man next to her who had his arm wrapped tight around her waist. This, I could only assume, was Emmett.

Anyone could tell by looking at Emmett that he was Alice's brother. Same eyes, same dark hair, same bright smile. The only difference beside their gender was that compared to Alice, Emmett looked like he was on steroids. Tall and extremely fit, his muscles - thought he didn't flaunt them - were definitely noticeable. I wouldn't want to pick a fight with him.

Fortunately, he was also just like Alice with the fact that both were very much ...huggers.

"Babe this is Bella." Rose spoke loudly in his ear over the music. A light of recognition sparked in his eye as he rose from the table and wrapped his arms around my little body, clapping me once on the back for good measure.

"So this is baby Bella! I've heard so much about you. I'm a little devastated that I missed out on those cookies Dad is _still_ talking about." he laughed.

"Well we'll have to fix that won't we?" I winked at Rose, promising her a batch next time I saw her.

I introduced Angela to the group. The girls all immediately clicked. Her attitude and humor charmed everyone as it usually did. I sat on the end of the booth, surrounded by good friends and good music. I couldn't stop smiling.

I was happy here in Riverdale. I'd made it. I'd done well. And I had good friends to show for it. Friends who liked me for me.

The band was actually really good. Though it was hard to hear much over them, their sound was unique and easy to get into. Everybody in the place seemed to love it. Angela ordered a round of drinks for everyone. She also was a pro about getting me a coke without anyone noticing or mentioning that I wasn't a drinker.

"Who is this band?" I asked Alice, leaning forward to shout over the music.

"Oh they're called Volturi. Garrett has been a friend of the family for a while now, he's the lead singer."

"Oh wow, he's really talented."

"Annnd really cute." observed Angela. She was raking him up and down with her eyes. I had a feeling before the night was over, she'd have his number in her pocket.

I could see why Rose loved Emmett. He was the happiest person I'd ever met. And such a comedian. He had us all in hysterics, telling us stories from the fire house. He and his co workers would prank each other constantly.

"I swear to God, my eye brows are just growing back to normal now..."

"He's not even kidding about that one..." Rose said. Anyone could see that the two of them were head over heels in love with each other. Rose looked positively radiant next to Emmett. She never once stopped smiling. And he was constantly attached to Rose. Some part of him had to be near her or touching her at all times. Once in a while I would catch them giving each other heated looks. Angela picked up on it too.

"They only have to_ look_ at each other and I feel like telling them to get a room..."

I smiled, happy they were so in love. I thought of Edward for a moment. I wondered if he had ever been in love like that. If there was ever a time when he gave affection freely. If anybody had loved him the way he deserved.

"Bells, I need another drink. Come with me?" Angela said, rising from the booth and pulling me with her. We'd been at the booth for about an hour and a half. Alice followed us, leaving the love birds alone for a moment.

"Oh Bella, I wonder if James is working tonight! He's just so...yummy. I think you should get his number."

"Oh n-no I'm..."

"Hey Jamie!" Alice let out a little squeal. Angela and I turned to the bar where a tall, sandy blonde, blue eyed bartender looked up at the sound of his name.

"Shit, Bella. Alice wasn't kidding. _Yummy._" Angela whispered.

"Hey Ally, what can I get you ladies?"

The three of us found a spot to lean on the bar. James's eyes flitted over to me for a moment, a small smile blossoming on his lips. He was quite tall, rather muscular in his shoulders and arms, his tight shirt stretching to accommodate his biceps. He had the build of a swimmer. Everything about him was lean and toned. He was still glowing with the remnants of a summer tan.

_Oh my_.

Angela ordered a rum and coke, Alice got something fruity with an umbrella. The man was a pretty smooth bartender, making us laugh with his glass tossing tricks and keeping up conversation.

"And for you, Beautiful?"

It took me a moment to realize that he was in fact talking to me, waiting expectantly for my answer. I wasn't always a shy girl, but this man's charm was making me feel a little foolish and bashful.

"I'll just have a - "

"She'll have a Jack on the rocks." Angela piped in, taking a large swig of her drink.

James looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to confirm. I nodded once, feeling the blood rush to my face. As soon as he turned I poked Ang in the side.

"What was that? You know I don't drink..."

"Yeah I know, but I do. And James is a _bartender_. You should be ordering a real drink, not a fucking Shirley Temple. He'd probably ask you how old you were and if you wanted some crayons to color on your napkin..."

True.

James handed me my glass, his fingers lingering long enough to touch mine. He leaned over the bar top and tilted his head, looking at me curiously.

"What's your name?"

"Bella." I answered, holding his eye contact.

Someone on the other end of the bar was whistling for James's attention, waiting to be served. Yet neither of us looked away.

"Listen, Bella I get off of work at 2 am. Think you'll still be around?"

I bit my lower lip and looked up at him through my eye lashes. A trick Ang had taught me. I was notorious for biting my lip while I concentrated, she convinced me that it was much more effective if I did on purpose. Sure enough, it got James's attention. His eyes were soon looking longingly at my mouth.

"It's possible." I said.

The whistler at the opposite end of the bar was getting agitated now, clearing their throat as loudly as humanly possible.

I made the move to put my money down on the bar, but James's hand over mine stopped me.

"It's on me." he winked.

"But... how can I pay you back?"

"Wait for me after my shift and maybe I'll let you buy me one then." he smirked. He knocked his knuckles on the bar top twice before turning around to serve whoever the hell was whistling for his attention. I followed his form over to a tall, leggy, impatient blonde who was giving him nothing but attitude for making her wait. He made her two drinks. And no, she didn't tip. Some people are just assholes.

I turned back to the girls only to find that Ang had already downed her drink _and_ mine.

"Bellaaaaaaa!" she slurred. "Hewantsto kisssssss you."

"I told you he was adorable!" Alice insisted.

"He wants to humpppp you." she said in sing song. "Oh speaking of humping...can we go up front to look at the mannn... the man singer guy? I think we'd be good at humping."

Alice burst out laughing.

"Bella, where did you get this chick. I. Love. Her." she linked arms with Angela. "Come on, they're taking a set break soon, I'll introduce you."

Angela looked back at me excitedly, waiting for my approval.

"I'm pro-humping. Let's go." I said with a laugh.

"Yes!"

I gave Rose and Emmett a wave and some botched sign language to let them know where we were going before following the girls through the crowd towards the stage.

Garrett was a very handsome guy. And I shouldn't be surprised, Angela has excellent taste. He was tall with light brown hair. It was a little longer and shaggier, but it was perfect for him. He was rugged looking and he looked magnificent even sweating from the stage lights. He was just the kind of guy Ang would be into.

The band eased their way through a slower rock ballad before taking a break and promising to be back with more music after another band took the stage for a break. The first half of the show had flown by.

A smaller group got up to the stage, rearranging chords, and testing mics while Garrett and his friends left the stage and grabbed a few beers. Alice didn't waste anytime.

"Garrett!"

I took a second to look around, trying to see if I could spot James. But someone else caught my eye.

It was the irritable blonde from earlier. She was smiling and giggling as she ran right past me, almost knocking me over and spilling the two drinks in her hand.

"There you are! I thought you were right behind me at the bar. You disappeared!" she squeaked at someone in front of her and several feet behind me. I looked over my shoulder and almost swallowed my own tongue.

Edward Masen was still as a statue, eyes locked on _me_.

Blondie came right up to him and placed a drink in his hand before placing a sloppy looking kiss on his neck.

Oh.

His gaze faltered for a moment, distracted by her nuzzling her face further into his neck. But he looked up again at me, his eyes unreadable. My heart, my borrowed little heart, dropped.

I turned around and forced myself not to look back.

"Garrett, this is Bella." I heard Alice say. Garrett graciously shook my hand and smiled.

"Nice to meet you, Bella." he said politely. Angela had effectively reeled in her drunken state and started a conversation with him. I watched him carefully as he turned to her, his eyes making trails up and down her body.

She _absolutely_ had his attention.

Angela had a magic about her that I wished for. She was a beautiful girl with a commanding presence. She could have whoever she wanted. And it looked like Garrett was an easy target.

I could _feel _Edward. I was hyper aware that he stood only a few yards behind me. I had hoped beyond all hope that Alice wouldn't notice him, but...of course she did.

"What the fuck is that tramp doing here with my brother..." she growled.

"You're brother? I thought Edward was your cousin?"

"Oh yeah," Alice replied in a matter-of-fact tone. "I forgot I hadn't told you yet. My family adopted Edward after the -...I mean when he was sixteen. As for the slut succubus on his arm... that's Tanya."

I remembered Alice telling me that Edward lived with her family for quite a while, but I didn't know he had been adopted.

And I didn't know he had a slut succubus.

Alice was waving him over.

He tried looking everywhere but at her, but Alice would not be ignored. She would wave and call him his name until he saw her. She'd use a mic if she had to. There was no avoiding this interaction.

He slowly made his way through the crowd towards us, Tanya following behind him. She was rolling her eyes as soon as she saw Alice. It seems these two were not fans of each other.

"Edward, I didn't know you were coming tonight! Why didn't you tell me?" Alice said.

He looked at me briefly before answering her.

"I just needed to get out for a while. I figured I'd come hear some music. Haven't seen Garrett in a while..." he shrugged. I was still as stone next to Alice, my eyes glued to his shoes, the people behind him, the stage. Anywhere but him. I pretended to be listening intently to the band currently on the stage, but I wasn't interested.

"Did you have to bring the whore with you?" said Alice, officially getting my attention.

Edward sighed, rolling his eyes as Tanya piped up.

"Oh fuck you..." she answered, looking over at me. She caught me watching Edward. She saw him looking back at me. His eyes were searching me, trying to look through me as usual. She narrowed her eyes at me and then spoke to me almost directly. "Edward needed to spend time with a _real_ woman tonight." She looked back up at Alice. "Of course he'd call me."

"Enough."

Edward's voice cut through the hum of background noises, voices and music. He hadn't spoken very loudly, but his word was enough to silence both Alice and Tanya. There was a finality to his tone that was threatening enough to shut them up.

Suddenly, I felt a wave of exhaustion consume me. I could feel it in the back of my eyes and all through my body. It made me sway on my feet for a split second.

I knew it as soon as my knees weakened. I had forgotten to take my meds. _Shit. _

When was the last time I took them? Did I even take them this morning? Last night? I was going to take them after I'd gotten back from my run but...I'd been so distracted...

There was no immediate, dire consequence to this, it just made the fatigue more intense. And because I was usually so good about taking my pills, I hadn't experienced anything like this in a while. It was stronger than I remembered.

I blinked rapidly, trying to make sure my focus returned to me.

Alice and Tanya were still in a staring show down, but Edward's eyes had cut to me quickly, watching me. He never missed anything. Damn him.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded, feeling the blood pool in my cheeks. I noticed Garrett getting back up on stage and felt Angela move in behind me. She was pocketing a small slip of paper.

Phone number. I knew it.

"Wait so, whose the whore? I heard someone say whore..." she asked.

Alice started laughing and Tanya started cussing. I couldn't focus on their words though. I knew I needed to get to my car and take my pills. This bout of fatigue was so much stronger than anything I'd experienced before. I'd be fine, I just needed my medication.

I also needed to not have a panic attack. My anxiety could cause them from time to time, especially when I was off my usual routine of medications.

"Are you sure you're alright, Bella?" Edward was closer to me now. His hands were out just slightly, as if to catch me, only a breath away. And he said my name. My name sounds so...so much better when he says it.

I looked up at him, seeing nothing but concern on his face. And something else I couldn't quite place. Was that fear? Raising my head to look at him brought on a small dizzy spell, causing me to blink more than necessary, trying to focus.

I felt his hand close around my arm gently but firmly as I started to tip ever so slightly.

"Bella..."

He was warm and he was comfort. His touch was like calm in the storm. Like if I just held my breath, we might stay this way. Close.

"Yeah, she's just had a bit too much to drink. I've got her,_ Chief_." Angela said in her sarcastic, mind-your-own-fucking-business tone of voice.

"Bella doesn't drink."

"Sorry...and you are?" Ang retorted, hand on her hip. Her other arm was wrapped firmly around my waist, holding me steady.

"I'm Edward."

"Oh so _he's_ the fucker..." she mumbled to me.

_Angela._..

"Excuse me?"

"Nice to meet you _Wardo_, but we gotta run. Hope all your future std tests run negative. Peace out cub scout." she winked at him and blew a kiss at Tanya, successfully locking me to her hip and making her way quickly and easily through the crowd.

I could hear Alice following behind us.

"Angie that was awesome! I seriously love you. Hey...where are we going?"

Angela didn't answer, she simply asked me for my keys. She knew what was going on. She'd done this before.

I berated myself in my head. If only I hadn't been so careless. I wouldn't be embarrassing myself right now.

I could feel the cool air from the parking lot hit my face as we left through the front doors. I felt my eyes starting to get heavier and my breathing a little more shallow. My anxiety would only make this worse if I went into a panic attack. I could feel one coming on now.

I could hear Angela better than I could see her, my throat constricting as I started to panic.

"Calm down, Bella. It's alright. I've got you. Are the spares still in the glove box?"

I nodded quickly, feeling her placing me in the passenger seat, my feet hanging out the door.

"Is she okay?" Alice sounded scared.

"She's fine Alice. She just needs ...uh...she just needs these."

I heard the pill bottles rattle. How had I been so caught up that I forgot to take them for more than a day?

"Jesus..." Alice breathed. She was probably referring to the number of pills I had stocked in my glove box. I only needed my fatigue meds at the moment, but yeah...I took all of them. Twice a day every day. That was my life.

I felt Angela put the tiny pills in my hand and I immediately popped them into my mouth, swallowing them without any water.

"B-Bella...Bella what are these all for?" Alice's voice sounded tiny and frightened.

I looked at Angie, beginning to find my focus again now, my breathing starting to slow again. I shook my head at her, eyes wide. Telling her with my eyes that Alice didn't know and that I didn't want her to. Not yet.

"Anxiety. Just...allergies and anxiety thats all." Angela supplied the answer. Pretty impressive for still being pretty buzzed.

"Wow, Bella I didn't realize you were allergic to so many things!"

Oh good. I'm pretty sure Alice is buzzed too.

My breathing was beginning to come back to normal now and my vision had settled. I was glad it was only a minor panic attack. I had to get home though, drink fluids, take the rest of my meds and try to relax.

Angela looked over her shoulder and then back at me.

"We should go." she whispered. She looked again. "Edward's watching us from the door, we should go before he asks questions.

I peeked behind her and there he was, pacing in front of the door like he was in a hospital waiting room, watching us. Watching me. Tanya was nowhere in sight.

Part of me wanted to go to him. To do what, I don't know. I just wanted to go to him. But I was too tired. And I wasn't up for rejection or mind games tonight. Without a word, I slid over into the driver's side seat.

"Are you okay to drive, Bella?" asked Alice.

"Yeah, I'm alright now. Sorry for scaring you, Alice."

She still looked concerned, watching me carefully as I moved to make room for Angela. She gave Alice a hug and hopped in the car.

"Tell Rose and Emmett we said goodbye!" she said out the window.

"I will! I'll call you girls tomorrow!" she waved after us. I waved out my window, my voice stuck in my throat as I drove out of the parking lot. I watched in the rear view mirror as Edward immediately came up to Alice, leaning his head down to speak in her ear.

"Hey...you alright?" Ang asked quietly.

"Yeah...I'm just...I'm just embarrassed. I'm sorry I ruined your night. Garrett really liked you."

"Oh pleeease. I've got his phone number and he's got mine. I don't he would have let me grope him while onstage so I'm not missing out on anything."

I smiled weakly, glad she had a good time. I thought about Edward and my head hurt. Tanya...who is she? Watching her kiss his neck and hold his hand...I couldn't do it.

"Dude, you have a problem." came Angela's voice.

"W-what? With what?"

"Edward is damn fine. I mean _damnn _fine. I mean I could tell you were a little drool-ish over him when we talked but _now_..._now_ I get it. The man is sex on legs. And I saw the way you looked at him. You have trouble on your hands."

I had to laugh at little. She was right. Edward, in all of his complexity, was the most beautiful man I'd ever seen. There was no denying that I wanted him.

Could I have him...that was the question.

"I'm just hoping the walking std he called his date tonight hasn't tainted him."

I frowned at the mention of Tanya. I didn't like the way she touched him, as if he was her possession. Angie put her hand on my arm.

"Bella, don't think about her. His eyes were only for you tonight. I barely know him and I noticed."

"Really?"

"Really."

The rest of the ride home was fairly quiet. Angela's alcohol intake had caught up with her and she was droopy eyed and sluggish by the time we got back to my place. I had to help her up the stairs and into pajamas. She barely brushed her teeth before she had passed out on the right side of my bed. She was out cold.

I picked up her clothes, folding them neatly and putting them beside her bag. My mind wasn't ready to sleep yet even though I felt like a truck had run me over.

I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked a little paler than usual. I placed one hand over my chest, feeling the fleshy ridge of my scar. I said an apology to it in my head, sorry I had been so careless.

I went to the kitchen, pulling out my various medications from the drawer I had hidden them in. I took each dose I needed and drank a tall glass of water.

Returning to my room, I pulled off my bar clothes. I could smell the place on my sweater. Cigarette smoke, sweat. I cleaned up with a cool wash cloth in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and washing my face before slipping into a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top for bed.

I wondered briefly if James would be looking for me when he finished his shift. But I wondered even more what Edward said to Alice after I left.

It was late now. Almost one in the morning.

I finally laid down in my bed, smiling as I heard Angela grumble something about 'mother fuckers in the cookie jar...'

I tried closing my eyes and taking some deep breaths. Just as I thought sleep might actually come for me, I heard something down stairs.

It was knocking.

I waited for a minute, unsure I'd really heard anything.

The knocking came again.

I looked over at Angela, who hadn't flinched... a little unsure of what to do and a little startled that someone was outside my door this late. Maybe Alice forgot something.

I got up and wrapped my short, thin blue cotton robe around myself. Tip toeing over to the window I looked down trying to see who was at the door.

_Holy shit_.

Edward.


	6. Chapter 6

"I'm so glad you called me Eddie!"

"Hey Tanya.."

I tried not to wince at the pet name I loathed so damn much as a familiar pair of tits came bouncing into view through my passenger side door.

I'd known Tanya since my senior year in college. We weren't friends. We never were. She wasn't my girlfriend. Never was. It was pretty clear to both of us what exactly our relationship was. We'd get fucked up, and then we'd fuck and go home.

Tanya wasn't the brightest bulb in the bunch, but what I appreciated about her beyond her body was that she didn't play games. She'd be my date for the night, bring me back to her place for casual sex, and then leave me alone. She didn't nag me to come and hang out with her besides the occasional hook up. I liked that. I couldn't offer her much more than that anyway.

I hadn't seen her in months until now.

I had dropped off Alice in a hurry, pretending to follow her babbling conversation about the baby line she was working on and how great Bella is and how Jasper should be home late tonight and shoes and work and baby's breath in the corsages and...blah blah blah. I was almost thankful she was so caught up in her own mess of words that she hardly noticed my anxiety, which I was certain was clear as day on my face.

I had said a quick goodbye, hardly waving from my window as I sped off towards home.

I needed to paint.

I only had a few hours before it got dark out, but I made the most of them. A lot of what I worked on was a blur. I was in motion as soon as I got up the stairs to the studio. Bosley watched me curiously as I started to sketch almost frantically. The rough lines taking shape underneath my hands. Pencil first, then ink, then stains, then ink again. Somehow, without my mind's permission, my hands had once again replicated Bella's face. Only this time the expression on it was heavy with want. The way she had looked up at me before I pinned her to the wall just hours ago.

I growled as I looked down at the piece, infuriated that I couldn't escape her the way I wanted to.

So I picked up Tanya early.

There wasn't much conversation between us. It didn't bother me. I could feel my nerves wound tightly, my blood moving quickly. Before she had even closed the door I had the car moving.

"It'll be good to see Garrett again. It's been like, forever." she said, obviously trying to break the silence.

Garrett had met Tanya once or twice before at some of his smaller shows in the college line ups. He was always a pretty social guy. And even though I knew he wasn't a giant fan of Tanya, he was always nice to her.

I nodded once, clenching and unclenching my jaw. I felt like I was going to explode. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in months, but this was feeling all too familiar.

"Edward, are you alright?" she asked, almost genuinely I thought at first.

But then she was rubbing my inner thigh over my jeans as I drove.

"You seem a little...tense."

Tanya was never one to waste any time.

I nodded again, surprised at my own lack of conversation. It was usually pretty easy to make small chat and flirt. But I had a lump in my throat from the mess in my head. My body was buzzing with energy that needed to be released. I was a live wire.

Soon Tanya's hand was rubbing over the seam of my crotch. It didn't take long for my body to react underneath her.

We were taking the back roads to the club and I knew not many people came this way. Soon the friction became too much to handle so I pulled the car off to the side with a screech of my brakes. I knew if I tried to drive while I was tense as hell and Tanya was touching my dick, I'd be a danger to society.

Tanya didn't ask why I'd pulled over. She just pounced. And it was a good thing too, because I was about to squirm out of my own body if I didn't move soon.

All at once her bubble gum mouth was on mine, her tongue moving with a force over my own. I kissed her back, roughly. My hands wound in her hair, giving it a light tug. She loved that shit.

She moaned loudly as my hands found her breasts. Fake as they were, they were the distraction my fingers needed. My mouth attacked her neck, licking and sucking as my finger tips searched for nipples and more bare skin.

Soon I could feel my belt buckle being undone, my pants being unzipped, my cock being freed. My breathing was shallow and fast, almost embarrassingly so. I didn't know how to stop an anxiety attack, but I did know that if I didn't get some form of release, I'd lose my shit.

Like an answered prayer I felt warm, wet mouth wrap around my cock.

My head fell back against the head rest, my eyes fluttering shut. I willed myself to just let go of everything and just_ feel_ this.

But that didn't work either, because soon I was just too fucking aware of _everything._ Tanya was moving quickly and sloppily. The sucking sounds, the fake moans, the heavy scent of perfume that I could practically taste... it all distracted me.

_Focus Edward_.

I shut my eyes tightly, trying to bring myself to the brink. Trying to make this feel good. Trying to let go.

But there she was. In the space behind my eyes I pictured Bella. She was everything Tanya wasn't. Brunette, soft, natural, beautiful, porcelain pale.

"Cum for me, baby..." I heard Tanya purr, her hand pumping me. The sound of her voice was yet another distraction. Everything was too much.

I kept my eyes shut, my mind and my body in two different places. Too different.

I couldn't do this. I had to slow down.

I stopped her hand with mine, earning a quizzical look.

I let my lungs inflate with air and willed my chest to find calm. Suddenly being in the car felt tight, trapped, suffocating.

"Edward...what.."

I could see the hurt starting to creep into her eyes. One thing about Tanya was that she couldn't bear rejection. Especially when it came to sex. Sex was what she thrived on. She was good at it. Damn good. I knew this from experience. But in situations where her sexual power was taken from her...she could turn on you pretty quickly.

I don't know why, maybe it was my own ego I needed to save, or Tanya's feelings I needed to preserve. I just told her I didn't want to cum yet. I wanted to wait till later when I was inside her.

The dirty response seemed to be enough to placate her. She grinned at me while I refastened my pants and belt.

"That can be arranged, baby..." she winked.

She readjusted her top as I sped towards Eclipse, the light from my car the only light on the back roads.

During the darkest part of the nights, the stars out here away from the downtown lights would be incredible. Billions of tiny stars littering the sky. I used to walk out along these roads on nights I couldn't sleep during the summer. Or I'd spend early morning hours out on the boat, trying to catch a cloudless night to see them.

I wondered if Bella might like that.

_Fuck_. I needed to stop this. My goddamn brain was ruining me. Turning me into a fucking chick.

I raked my hands through my hair and took a deep breath after I pulled into a parking space behind the bar. Tanya was already out of the car, checking her lipgloss in my side mirror.

"Eddie, are you coming?"

Jesus Christ.

I could hear the band playing from outside. Familiar melodies came pulsing through the windows and the doors of the bar. When we stepped inside, we became a part of the pulse. It was one thing I loved most about live music. I loved feeling the bass in my chest and the buzz of the crowd. It was easy to lose yourself to it, to just fade away and become part of the sound.

As Tanya weaved towards the stage, dragging me behind her, I saw Garrett spot me from up front. He tossed me a wink before breaking into his refrain.

I stopped at the bar to grab a drink...something strong. I knew I needed to take the edge off before I could even begin to have any fun tonight. I bought Tanya something fruity looking. She always liked colorful drinks with umbrellas or cherry swords and shit in them.

Girls.

We found a spot up front towards the left of the stage. A table with tall barstools along the wall.

Tanya scooted her chair close to mine. Luckily, she didn't feel like talking much, but that didn't mean she wasn't _constantly_ touching me.

From where we were I couldn't see much behind me other than the crowded bar. The booths and tables in the back were shielded by the wall that tapered inward, enclosing the stage area just slightly. I liked our spot against the wall. I felt like it was a good place to hide. All I was concerned with was relaxing and listening to some music. I needed my body to calm down.

And I needed Bella Swan out of my head.

I had been so sure that Tanya could do that for me. But now, when I felt her hand on my knee, I wondered what it would be like if it were Bella's hand instead.

It took me the entire first set to calm down. I finished my drink, trying to take it slowly, knowing I'd be driving home a rather inebriated Tanya. She'd been back and forth to the bar a few times within the first hour and a half. Finally, she dragged me with her, insisting I was being a pussy and needed another drink.

We weaved through the masses, arriving at the far end of the bar. The long, shining oak wood was riddled with wet napkins and half finished drinks, tip change and lemon wedges. I recognized James, the bartender. I'd seen him around the bar at a few shows.

The dude was kind of a dick. He had an arrogance about him when it came to the ladies. He thought he could have anyone. I used to think he was an ass hole, until I realized that anyone could say the same thing about me. Since then I didn't think twice when he delivered some heinous pick up line or flashed his arms. I was in no place to judge him.

That was until I saw him leaning over the bar, smirking ostentatiously at the little brunette I'd become so attached to so quickly. I knew I fucking hated that guy for a good reason.

_Bella. _

What the fuck was she doing here? Could I not escape her? And why the fuck was James looking at her like she was his last meal? I felt my heart rate jump again when I saw her face in the crowd. The blood in my veins picking up speed again as soon as my body recognized her.

She was looking up at him through her eye lashes, biting her lip in a way that made my jeans tight. _She was flirting back_.

Rage flared behind my eyes.

Tanya's agitation at not being served was getting on my last nerve. Soon she was clearing her throat...loudly. And whistling like James was a dog to be summoned. I currently hated the guy for even being close to Bella with any remote ideas of getting into her pants...but Tanya's whistle in my ear was annoying as shit.

I backed away from the bar when I realized Tanya was drawing attention with her irritated behavior, including the attention of Bella. I wasn't ready for her to see me. That - and Alice was with her. Alice _hated _Tanya.

My date didn't seem to notice much as I turned and walked briskly back towards our table, mumbling some excuse she probably didn't hear about saving our seats.

I looked over my shoulder about a million times, catching glimpses of Bella. She looked amazing tonight. I wasn't sure why I was surprised. Every time I saw her she looked more and more beautiful to me. As if her familiarity just made her more stunning. She looked happy and confident.

I was almost back to my table when I spotted a young couple sitting down in our seats.

_Shit._ Too late. I found a place off to the side of the stage, trying to focus on the band. Garrett was wrapping up a song and the crowd was swaying to the slow ballad beat. After singing the last notes of the tune, he promised the crowd he'd back after the next band with more music.

I scanned the crowd quickly, trying to spot Alice and Bella before they spotted me. I heard my sister's voice cut through the noise before I could see the little pipsqueak.

"Garrett!"

I breathed a sigh of relief, shrinking back just a little. It looked like Alice was introducing Bella and her friend to Garrett. I thought maybe I'd sneak out past them, grab Tanya and leave, but Tanya had other ideas.

Before I knew it, she was coming right at me out of the crowd, drinks in hand. The liquid from the glasses dripping down her wrists.

"There you are! I thought you were right behind me at the bar. You disappeared!"

Her drunken volume and sudden movements were enough to catch a lot of attention. Older men were staring at Tanya's tits and ass, younger women were sneering at her, and Bella Swan was watching me.

_Ah shit. _

I was frozen. I didn't know what exactly to do. I'd felt all night that bringing Tanya was a bad idea. But now I felt it more than ever. I winced as Bella watched Tanya take a long lick up my neck before kissing it.

I saw the hurt flash in her eyes before she turned away from me. Steeling her gaze and pointedly ignoring my presence just several yards behind her.

Tanya's breath smelled heavily of alcohol as she whispered in my ear. "Baby, can we leave? I want to get out of here so you can fuck me already. I've been so good all night..."

She looked up at me through her eye lashes, smiling innocently and wrapping her lips around the straw in her drink.

Any guy in the bar was probably thinking what a lucky bastard I was. No one could deny Tanya was enticingly beautiful. But her game wasn't cutting it tonight. Not for me.

I could feel Alice's eyes on me before I even looked up. She was glaring at Tanya and looking at me expectantly. She was not about to be ignored. Her hand came up and waved me over, summoning me. My feet felt like they were stuck in mud as I made my way over to my sister. Bella was right beside her, looking everywhere but at me, as if it were her job to avoid me entirely.

"Edward, I didn't know you were coming tonight! Why didn't you tell me?" Alice said.

Because I didn't need you judging me for calling a fuck buddy.

"I just needed to get out for a night. I figured I'd come hear some music. Haven't seen Garrett in a while..." I let out a long breath through my answer, trying to calm myself down a little.

Bella still wasn't looking at me. She had her eyes glued to the stage, watching the mediocre indie set filler band warm up their guitars and test mics. I knew she was listening. That band sucked anyway.

Tanya caught me watching Bella and immediately was sizing her up.

"Did you have to bring the whore with you?" came Alice's voice.

_Here we go_...

"Oh fuck you..." Tanya spat. I watched Bella look up at me then look immediately away as Tanya's voice directed itself at her. "Edward needed to spend time with a _real_ woman tonight...of course he'd call me."

I felt the spite behind her words and immediately became defensive on Bella's behalf. She seemed to take it all with a grain of salt, not reacting to Tanya's commentary.

"Enough." I said, willing the bullshit to stop with the tone of voice I used. I raked a hand through my hair again - a nervous habit of mine it seemed. I looked up to speak again and hopefully make a polite but hasty good bye, but was stopped short by the sight of Bella's face.

Her eyes were blinking in rapid succession and the color had drained from her cheeks. She seemed to sway where she stood and her eyes looked unfocused.

Something was wrong.

"Are you alright?"

She nodded quickly at me, her face flushing in the dark as she heard me speak. She dismissed me with her expression, trying hard once again not to look at me. There was so much I wanted to say but I had absolutely no idea what that was. I just wanted to talk to her.

"Wait so, whose the whore? I heard someone say whore..." The girl I had spotted previously with Alice and Bella slid into the conversation, wrapping a protective arm around Bella. I knew already that these two had history together just from the way the girl stood around her now. Bella was not to be trifled with.

This must be Angela.

Tanya was furious with Alice, who was laughing like a hyena.

"Fuck off, Alice. Seriously, Edward. Can we get the fuck out of here already? I didn't come here for this..."

My eyes caught Bella's body swaying forward slightly again before leaning back into the support of her friend. Her eye lids were starting to sag and her mouth opened just so before she was forcing herself to blink again. Her chest was rising and falling faster than it had been a minute ago.

"Are you sure you're alright, Bella?"

Her eyes finally met mine, giving me some small sense of relief once I could finally look at them. The deep pools of chocolate brown seemed raw, vulnerable only for a moment as she looked at me. Everything about her was so real at times, in small moments like these, that I had to be on my game before I let myself feel for her any more than I already did.

She let out a breath and swayed again. Something was definitely wrong. I was afraid she might fall flat on her face right in front of me. Just looking up at me cause her to tip. Before I knew what I was doing, I had my hand on her arm, holding her steady.

I felt her suck in a breath as she looked up at me. Her eyes were on my lips.

"Yeah, she's just had a bit too much to drink. I've got her,_ Chief_." I felt the girl beside Bella pull her back into her side, away from my hand.

"Bella doesn't drink."

"Sorry...and you are?" Clearly she was annoyed with me.

"I'm Edward."

"Oh so _he's_ the fucker..." she mumbled with her head turned towards Bella.

"Excuse me?" _ Had Bella been talking about me_? Part of me felt strangely hopeful. Even if I _was_ a fucker, I had been on her mind. She'd talked about me.

"Nice to meet you _Wardo_, but we gotta run. Hope all your future std tests run negative. Peace out cub scout." she winked at me and blew a kiss at my date, who was red with rage and way too much alcohol. I would have laughed out loud if I wasn't terrified of what Tanya might do to my dick.

The girl, pulled Bella in close to her waist, clearly helping her stay upright as they bolted for the exit.

"What the fuck, Edward. Really? I know you aren't my boyfriend or anything, but you could at least stop staring at that mousey brunette long enough to tell Alice to fuckkkk off. She can't just talk to me like that." Tanya slurred.

I was listening, I swear I was. But I was also watching to see if Bella would make it out the door. Was she sick?

I started unconsciously following in her direction.

"Edward! Seriously?"

Tanya needed to be distracted.

I grabbed her by the hand and led her from our spot by the stage out the side exit instead of following Bella out the front doors. Shrugging my keys out of my pocket, I hit the lock on my car, hearing the familiar beep from my parking space by the dumpsters.

"I'm sorry, T. Just give me a minute, okay?" I tried to say it as gently as possible, but I'm sure she noticed my hurried tone as I helped her into the passenger seat.

She sighed and rolled her eyes. I was lucky she was drunk. Her head was already dipping as I lifted her long legs into the car.

"Just wait here, okay? I'll be right back." I promised. She nodded at me, waving me off and reclining the seat. She'd be passed out by the time I turned around.

I locked the car behind me, knowing she'd be safe until I came back. My legs carried me quickly around the side of the building to the front curb. I could see Alice with her back turned towards me, standing by the passenger side door of a dark blue toyota. I craned my neck to see around her, spotting who I assumed to be Angela crouched down in front of the open door.

I couldn't see much. I couldn't hear much. Before I knew it I was pacing back and forth. I wanted to go to her, but I didn't know if I could handle it if something was seriously wrong. What _was_ wrong?

Was she okay?

What was happening?

I hated waiting. I hated not knowing what was going on even more. I remember waiting in a hospital 9 years ago for nothing but horrible news. Fuck waiting.

It felt like hours had passed, but after only fifteen minutes of wearing the curb thin, I checked my watch. It was late. It looked as though Bella had calmed down enough to slide into the drivers seat.

Part of me wished that I could take her home. Angela was too drunk. And Bella wasn't well. Whatever had happened though, she made quick work of getting out of the parking lot and back on the road. I watched her tail lights disappear around the corner before meeting my sister in the parking lot.

"Alice, is she okay?"

"I don't know...I-I think so? It happened really fast... Hey, where's slutzilla?" she slurred.

"Should she be driving?" I persisted.

"She seemed okay once Angela gave her the pills. She has lots of em." she shrugged. "Bella has lots and lots of allergies. Lots and lots..."

Yeah, Alice was ready to go home.

"You're wasted, Al. Lemme take you home."

"Shut up. And I can't leave without saying good bye to Rosie and Emmett."

I followed her short little self back into the bar. We ran into Rose and Emmett right as we walked in.

"Hey, Edward!" Emmett's booming voice sounded. He clapped me on the back and gave me one of his famous goof ball grins. "I didn't know you were here tonight..."

"He was here with skankasaurus rex..." Alice explained politely for me.

"Does she get a new dinosaur name every time?"

"Yep... valasaCRAPtor."

Rose rolled her eyes and gave me a look. "Ew, Edward...Tanya? I thought you were past all that..."

"Jesus fuckin Christ, guys. Gimme a break. She was my date tonight. And now she's piss drunk in my car and I've gotta go..."

Rosalie looked disapproving but didn't push any further. Tanya had a nasty attitude with Alice and Rose more than anyone in my family. Alice made the mistake of assuming she was my girlfriend once, and when Tanya explained our relationship for what it really was, Alice had no qualms about telling her how she felt about it. She was disappointed in me more than anything else, but she took it out on Tanya. And of course, Tanya hasn't had a nice thing to say about her since. Rosalie was always a fiercely protective person by nature, and without hesitation came to Alice's side every time.

"Where's Bella and Angela?" Rose asked Alice.

"They went home. Bella didn't feel very well..." I heard my own voice answer the question before I could help it. Rose looked up at me, surprised that I had answered for her.

"Oh, well I hope she's okay..." Rose said, still watching me. I glued my eyes elsewhere. "Alice, we can take you home. Edward probably needs to get back to his _date._..."

"You mean the bitchapottamus?" Alice piped up, laughing wildly at her own joke.

She wrapped an arm around Rose's waist and waved at me. She would be fast asleep as soon as she got into the back seat of Emmett's car.

"Good to see you, man." said Emmett, fishing his keys out of his pocket.

"Bye Edward..." Rose and Alice said in unison.

I watched them disappear out the front door and took a deep breath. Tonight had not gone at_ all_ as I had expected.

I didn't know what I actually_ had_ expected. I just wanted..._shit._...I didn't even know.

My mind was full of Bella and pill bottles by the time I made it back out to the car. Tanya was dozing in the passenger seat, just as I had expected. She stirred when I got into the drivers side seat.

"Heyyy..." she mumbled. "Weren't you going to fuck me tonight...?"

I laughed, humorlessly, looking out my window instead of at her. I could hear the band still playing inside. Garrett was well into his last set by now.

"You're drunk, T. I'm taking you home."

"Home with you?"

"No. I'm taking you back to your place."

"You never take me to your place..."

I started the car, not bothering to answer.

Luckily Tanya was drunk enough not to argue much as I helped her into her apartment. She had a nice little place south of Riverdale.

She was leaning on me heavily, giggling a little as I helped navigate her keys into the door. Her mouth was close to my ear, her breath warm and stale.

"Stay, Eddie..."

I didn't answer her. I simply focused on finding the light switch once we were inside. When the apartment was lit enough to see the way to the bedroom, I helped her take her heels off. She was a little more steady on her feet now.

She stumbled her way to her bedroom.

"I need my tooth brush..." she mumbled, pointing me in the direction of the bathroom.

I sighed. I wanted to leave, but I didn't want to leave her like this. I was an asshole, but I wasn't completely heartless. Tonight hadn't exactly been fair to Tanya. I owed her this much.

I walked into the bathroom, flipping on the light and finding the medicine cabinet. I pulled out a bottle of aspirin and poured some tap water into one of those dumb little dixie cups. I pulled out her tooth paste and tooth brush, bringing both along with the aspirin and water with me out to her room.

And there was Tanya, stark naked on the bed. She was stretched out leisurely, watching me.

I sighed, unsure of how I felt. Tonight just felt so wrong in so many ways. I should be fucking stoked as shit that this girl was naked and waiting for me. But I wasn't.

I set the aspirin on her night table along with her tooth brush.

"Eddie...you're wearing too many clothes."

I looked down to see her smiling seductively up at me. She reached her long, slender fingers down between her legs, touching herself for me.

_Goddammit._

"I've been wet all night..."

She sat up on the bed until she was up on her knees. Her face level with my chest. She grabbed the fabric of my shirt, pulling me forward. Her fingers scrambled to unfasten buttons, her breath was hot against my chest.

All I could think of was how this should feel good and it didn't. All I could think of was Bella. The way her face had turned to ash at the bar tonight. The way her body looked so fragile so suddenly. In a moment, she reminded me how people weren't permanent. I had learned that lesson in the hardest ways, and I didn't want to learn it again.

"Edward..."

My mind was running through lists of allergies...something must have set her off...

"_Edward._"

I looked down to see Tanya looking up at me, annoyed. Both her wrists were caught in my hands. I released her, gently.

"What is _with _you tonight?" she spat, retreating from me and moving further back on her bed.

"I'm...I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling like myself."

"Obviously. I'm mean, I'm making this pretty fucking easy for you..."

I could see the hurt in her eyes, masked carefully by annoyance and arrogant, indifferent humor. I only recognized it because I myself was good at hiding things that way.

I knew I couldn't do this.

I kissed her on the cheek, earning me a wide eyed look of surprise. We were never affectionate with each other that way.

"I'm sorry, T. You're beautiful. But I have to go."

She looked utterly baffled as I found my keys and handed her the dixie cup of water.

I knew where I needed to be.

Leaving her apartment quickly, I was on the road again and headed towards the west side of Riverdale. I felt like my body and my brain were both on autopilot. I'd just check and see if Bella was alright, then I'd go home.

_Then be done with it. That's it. _

As long as I knew she was still alive and well, I'd go home and stick to my word. Leave her alone. The dark blue sky ripped by me and into nothing as I sped through the empty streets.

It was around twenty minutes later when I rolled to a stop in front of the unlit shop windows.

Was she home? Was she at a hospital? Was she sleeping? Was someone fucking taking care of her or was she alone?

It was beyond me how my body even knew to knock. My brain was in so many different places. I knew I needed to take some anxiety meds when I got back to the house. I needed to calm the fuck down.

I could feel my heart rate pick up and my senses tighten, listening for sounds of Bella inside. I knocked once more for good measure.

And then I heard it. Noise from inside. The squeak of her door up the stairs. The soft padding foot steps and the groan of some over trodden floorboard just behind the door.

The door in front of me disappeared into the darkness of the building, revealing Bella's face illuminated by moon light.

I felt my body let out a long breath simply at the sight of her.

"Edward?"

She whispered. It was her eyes that spoke to me the most. She was surprised, confused. From her stance I could tell she was ready to defend herself should I say something or do something offensive.

My eyes scanned her face. Her color had returned, she looked alert and awake. She was standing with her feet firmly planted. She was okay.

"Edward...what are you doing here?"

"Right...I just...uh. Yeah, just..."

_Shit, Fuck. Mother._.. I forgot about the talking part.

She looked at me with a cocked eye brow, waiting expectantly.

"Alice wanted me to check on you. Uh..yeah I was on my way home. She went back with Rose so... She thought I should make sure you're okay."

Understanding lit upon her face. She almost looked...disappointed.

"Oh. Well I'm fine. No reason to worry." she said, wrapping her robe tighter around her little body and laying a hand over her chest.

"Right. Well, I'll tell her you made it home safe then..." I gave her a weak smile.

Fuck. I am absolutely 100% certain I look like an idiot right now. I knew this was the part where I said I'd leave, but I so wanted to just fucking stay. Bury my nose in her hair and stay.

"I'll let you get back to sleep." I said, realizing that it was becoming increasingly uncomfortable to stay - even when I really wanted to.

"I wasn't sleeping." she said simply. She looked down and shuffled her feet once before looking up at me again, cautiously. "I'd invite you in for tea but apparently we aren't supposed to be friends. Funny, considering how much I've seen you today."

Damn.

Please let me in, Bella. I'm not worth much but let me in anyway... Maybe just this once.

"Well, maybe we could be acquaintances. Acquaintances occasionally have tea." I offered. Wanting more than anything to come inside, even against my better judgement. I was here wasn't I?

She seemed to work it over in her head.

"Maybe."

She looked past me, back at my car.

"Didn't you have your girlfriend with you?"

"She's not my girlfriend."

"Hm."

She observed me carefully again before moving backward and out of the way of the door, silently telling me to come inside.

The lights in Bella's kitchen were the kind you could dim down with a twist of a knob. The apartment was quiet and she kept the lights a low hum instead of a high beam glow. I watched silently as she moved around her kitchen space. She pulled out tea from the cupboards on her right, while simultaneously twisting the stove knobs to get the kettle heated.

"You can sit, you know. Acquaintances usually sit while having acquaintance tea." she said with a snarky smile.

I couldn't help but grin as I pulled up a seat at the little kitchen table.

"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked quietly, noticing her body pause to listen to me. "You didn't look like you were okay tonight."

"I'm fine, Edward. It's really none of your concern." she said dismissively.

She held her hands out to the the kettle, feeling the heat radiate from it. It was chilly tonight. She stood profile in front of me and I could see the faint outline of a straining nipple beneath her robe.

"I can't be concerned? I thought we were acquaintances!" I scoffed, trying to joke my way out of her defensive disposition.

A smile cracked in the corner of her mouth, but she remained quiet.

A calm settled over me as I looked at her. I couldn't fix this by being funny. I didn't want to pretend I was anything other than exactly what I was. I was too tired. I was too fuckin tired of myself. I just wanted to _be_. I wanted to be with Bella.

"Bella... I'm sorry about this morning. At my house. And this afternoon...I don't know what I..." I took a deep breath. "Its just...there's a lot you don't know about me. Certain things about me that could hurt you."

She turned to face me directly now.

"But here you are." she said.

I swallowed, looking down. Should I leave?

"Here I am."

She nodded once, smiling just faintly. The kettle began to whistle. Turning from me she lifted it with a thick pot holder, pouring the hot liquid into two mugs and plunking tea bags into each one.

"Do you like honey in your tea?"

I nodded. She pulled a golden little bear with a spout for a head from the cupboard above her. Popping the cap she let the honey pour in a long stream down into her cup. Her spoon looped around and around her mug, stirring.

I had a feeling she wasn't about to press me any further. It seemed we had both given up trying to figure out what this thing between us was and now just wanted to relax. We didn't need to define anything. Not tonight.

She passed me the honey. Somehow I was comfortable. It felt as if there were a million things to say, but we didn't need to say them now. And I didn't think either of us knew what those things were exactly. But I think we both knew then that something was between the two of us like a third connected soul. We didn't know what it was. I only knew I needed to be near her. I needed more of her.

I squeezed some of that golden honey into my mug, coating the bottom in a thick syrupy sugar. Just the way I liked it. I looked up to see Bella watching me.

"Want some tea with that honey? Or a giant biscuit?" she laughed.

"No thanks, I prefer my honey untainted."

"Ahh I see. A purist."

"Only when it comes to sugar." I winked.

"Yeah, don't think I didn't see the way you were looking at my cookie tray on Saturday. I'm on to you..."

"I'm guilty, I'll admit it. But I was just looking after them. I mean, your man child friend was tearing that shit up. He ate like six cookies at once. I watched him."

She let out a bell like laughter that made me smile. The grin on her face was one I wanted to see more of. She held up a finger, motioning to wait a moment. I couldn't help but let my eyes land on her perfect ass as she bent into the refrigerator and pulled out a small plate. There were four mini chocolate cupcakes, frosted with white, thick icing.

My stomach audibly growled. Bella grinned.

"I normally don't eat sweets after dark, but...I think having an acquaintance over is a good enough excuse. Especially one who is apparently a sugar whore."

She took one of the small cakes, unwrapping the festive yet untimely valentines day foil bottom before taking a bite. I watched her mouth wrap around the dessert, the frosting lingering on her soft pink lips for only a moment before her wet tongue came to retrieve it.

_Fuck_.

An hour ago I had a naked woman touching herself for me and I couldn't care less. This woman takes a bite out of a cupcake and my cock is ready to go.

Bella blushes and I can't take my eyes off her mouth. She grabs her tea mug and moves to the adjacent room to the couch. I note her silent invitation and I'm only seconds behind her, stopping only to grab the entire plate of cupcakes.

I watch as she curls herself up, knees to chest, burrowing into the couch cushions like a cat. I sit down slowly beside her, hyper aware of how close I am. I should sit close, but not too close. Right?

She doesn't mind me as I struggle with the space between us. She grabs the remote and flips through the stations, landing on I Love Lucy re-runs. The old black and white sitcom brings a grin to her face.

I take the wrapping off a cupcake and pop it into my mouth in one bite.

Holy. Fuckin. God.

I groan in delight as I chew. I can hear Bella giggling beside me.

"Ohmyfuckin..Jesus...these are amazing. Where did you get these..."

"Made em. You should have been here when they were warm. Even better." she winked.

"You're my favorite acquaintance. Ever."

She smiles at me again and I feel content.

So this is us, hanging out. I can do this.

I settle back into the couch, feeling my contentment turn to sleepiness. I hear Bella yawn beside me. On the tv screen Lucy and Ethel are stuffing their shirts with chocolates. We watched in a strangely comfortable silence.

"I love this show. It was on at St Mary's all the time." she murmured. I watched her eye lids start to droop. It was making me even more exhausted.

"St Mary's hospital?"

Bella was suddenly more alert, words seemed caught in her throat.

"I meant St. Maria's. I uh...went to sunday school there. Local church."

"You watched I Love Lucy in Sunday school?"

"Apparently it was easier than teaching us songs about Jesus."

I laughed. I tried picturing Bella as a little girl. I was so curious about her.

I thought about the night again, running down Bella's symptoms in my head. The breathing, the rapid blinking, the unsteadiness.

"Was it anxiety?" I guessed quietly.

She turned her head to look at me, but didn't answer. Somehow I knew I had guessed right. At least half right.

"I have it too, you know." I admitted, focusing on the tv screen. I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned back farther. This couch was indescribably comfortable. I could feel Bella's eyes still on me.

"We're not so different, Edward." she whispered.

It was late. Somehow between the hum of the tv, Bella's breathing beside me and the warmth of the couch, I was lost. The sleep felt nice at first, comforting and safe. But just as they usually did, the nightmares came.

They weren't as horrific as the worst of them...but they always ended with the same gruesome image.

I found myself panting and shaking, reeling from my subconscious. I tried to focus and remember where I was.

I hadn't moved from my spot on Bella's couch. Thank God. I could only imagine how fucked up it would be to have a full blown night terror the first time we were actually nice to each other. I looked down to see Bella's socked feet tucked underneath my legs. She must have gotten cold. She still had her robe tucked soundly around her. Her head was facing me, resting on the couch cushion. She was so still. I was almost afraid for a moment. I had to listen hard just to hear her breath.

She slept like the dead.

I pulled my phone from my pocket to check the time. It was 4:47 am. Shit.

What I wanted was to pick her up and take her to bed. I wanted to sleep next to her without battling with myself about how close or not so close to her I should be. I heard the faint sounds of snoring coming from the bedroom. I forgot Angela was staying the night here.

I fought with myself for a moment, unsure of what to do.

The darkness outside the windows was becoming a light hue of blue. I knew I had to go.

I noticed the fleece blanket on the back of the couch, pulling it down carefully to wrap around Bella. She didn't flinch. Nothing. I tucked the fleece around her arms and legs, making sure to cover her feet.

Still no movement.

I leaned over her to pull a couch pillow closer to her, trying to be careful as I came precariously close to her face.

I could feel her warm breath on my cheek. She looked serene, innocent...just fucking stunning.

I held my breath for a moment, willing myself to stay invisible. With every once of gentleness I could manage, I placed my lips on her forehead.

Still, absolutely no movement.

_Can I have you, Bella_? Even just like this. Even invisible like this, I needed to know. I just _needed._

Not daring to breathe, I lowered my lips to hers.

**Hey everyone! Thank you so much to those of you who have rec'd my story recently. You didn't have to do that and it was awfully nice of you. I'm sending love your way with this extra long chapter. More to come! Reviews are wonderful little things. xoxo**


	7. Chapter 7

I woke up to the sound of someone eating.

Loudly.

"MMMMmmmmmMMMMMmmmm"

I recognized Angie's over dramatized food noises almost immediately. This was her way of waking me up.

So subtle.

"Goshhh this is gooood. Too bad Bella's asleep out there. I guess I'll just eat it all myself...NOMMMMMMmmmmmmnommmm foodgasmmm! Oh yeeahhhh..."

I groaned from my spot on the couch. I was having such a good dream too. Edward was here and he -

_Oh._ Edward _was_ here.

And he kissed me. Wait no...I definitely dreamt that part. Didn't I?

I shot up quickly, feeling my head spin a little. I blinked a few times, trying to clear the haze from eyes. I was still on the couch, only I was covered in a blanket and there was no Edward to be found.

It had felt so real. I put my hand to my lips, feeling sad and a little confused, not sure what had actually happened and what I had dreamt.

Damn.

Angela appeared from the kitchen with a grin on her face and Esme's cake box open in her hand.

"Mornin' sshunshinne...you look confused."

"Was he- I mean was there...?"

Morning.

Words.

Not functioning.

"He who? Ohhhh Bella were you having a sex dream? No, Robert Downy Jr isn't here. Come back to realityyyyy. Realityyyy...where there is cake to be eaten and hung over friends to entertain ceaselessly. Hung over friends meaning me."

I giggled as she plopped down on the couch next to me and offered me a fork. I always did have a thing for Robert Downy...

"I know you're usually a healthy freak, but I'm here now and I declare that there shall be cake for breakfast. You can run it off after I leave tonight." she winked.

She folded her feet underneath her and sat indian style in front of me. She took a giant forkful of cake and giggled a little before cramming it in her mouth.

"Did you hear anything this morning?" I asked, wondering if maybe she heard Edward leave.

"No I wah out like a ligh. Why? Was somebahee here?"

"I was just - "

She gulped down the bite in her mouth quickly.

"Bella! Did you have that dude James over! Oh you dirty little thing. I thought I smelled the scent of man this morning."

"No! Not James!"

"But there _was_ someone here wasn't there?" she looked at me expectantly with a sly smile before taking another bite. I took a deep breath and rolled my eyes.

"Edward."

Angela's mouth dropped open, revealing a lovely, masticated bit of carrot cake. She looked at me wide eyed, disbelieving.

"He showed up last night after you passed out. Said Alice sent him to check on me. He ended up staying for a little while. I must have fallen asleep. I didn't even hear him leave..."

"I didn't hear anything this morning either. You had that hot piece in here last night? And you didn't climb him like a tree? Your self control astounds me."

We laughed out loud, the two of us snorting and giggling. This was why I loved Ang most. She could always make me laugh.

After putting a good sized dent in our carrot cake, the two of us got dressed and headed down stairs. Ang was going to help me out in the shop for a bit before she had to leave tonight. She lived about an hour away. She worked for an interior design firm in Collinstown.

The shop wasn't busy today so we had plenty of time to goof around. We cleaned out the coolers and re-potted a few flowers. When the dirty work was done we were able to hang out and catch up. She told me hysterical stories from her friends at work and bitched about her boss. I secretly hoped she would find a firm in Riverdale so she could move here and I wouldn't miss her so much when she was gone.

It was around two in the afternoon when the shop bell sounded and Jake walked in. Her came right over to the front desk and scooped us both up in a hug.

"Put me down you...you big ape!" Angela squealed.

Jake laughed and lowered us back to the floor. "Ang! I missed you!"

"I missed you too, ya lug. My god dude, your biceps are like fuckin dinner plates. Chill with the roids man."

Jake gasped and put a hand to his chest. "You cut me deep, Ang. These babies are all natural..."

I worked on a new arrangement for the front windows while the three of us caught up a bit. In the middle of it, Angela jumped to her feet suddenly.

"Guys! My pants are vibrating." she searched her pockets and checked her phone. "Shit, it's Garrett!"

She took a deep breath and flipped her hair, adjusted her boobs and fixed her shirt.

"He can't _see_ you, you know...It's a phone call..." said Jake.

"Quiet, neanderthal. Don't ruin my sexy."

I was holding my breath trying not to laugh when she answered the phone with the most normal 'hello' she could manage. She disappeared into the back room to continue her conversation, winking at me as she left.

"How's it going with you Bells? You seem quiet today."

"I think maybe I'm just tired...I don't know. I slipped up with my meds..."

"_What_? Bella, you know you can't do that shit..."

"I know, I_know_, okay? I honestly don't know what happened, I just...had a lot on my mind and slipped up. It hit me last night when we were out at Eclipse."

"Did you panic?"

"Yes."

"Was it bad?"

"Almost."

He let out a heavy sigh. "It's a good thing Ang was with you. Please, _please_ don't forget them. It's so unlike you."

"I won't! You know how good I am about it. I just...I don't know. Don't tell Charlie."

He nodded once, still looking disappointed with me.

Angela popped out of the back.

"Well it looks like I'm stayin one more night B, cause this lady's got a date tonight." she said triumphantly, pointing to herself.

"That's great Ang! Where is he taking you?"

"I don't know really, he said he would come pick me up here at seven and take me to dinner and a movie. A good old fashioned date." she said with a grin. "Is that okay, Bells? I don't wanna leave you alone tonight but I don't know when I'll see him next...assuming this date will be as amazing as his ass."

"It's fine," I laughed. "Besides I gotta catch up on some orders so I'll be stayin in tonight. Jake you wanna stay for dinner?"

"I wish I could, Bells. I promised Leah I'd take her out for dinner tonight. She's had a rough couple weeks at work. I gotta treat my lady."

"Well tell her I said hello!"

"I will, I promise." he laughed.

He got up and gave Ang a squeeze and me a kiss on the forehead.

"Guard your carnal treasure, Angela." he said in his dad voice.

"Har Har, Moby _dick_."

It looked like I was flying solo tonight.

I hadn't been able to stop thinking about my night with Edward all day. I kept replaying it all in my head. There was so much more I wanted to know. Last night I had given up trying to define whatever it was between us. He had looked just as exhausted as I felt. He offered to be acquaintances and I took him up on it. I knew he would come to know me in his own time. Acquaintance was a good place to start.

But I could already tell he was so much more to me than that.

I wondered when he left if he was as happy as I was last night. Or if maybe he had second thoughts and decided to just disappear for a while. I couldn't be sure. I was anxious. Wondering when I would see him again.

We closed up shop at five. One thing about Angela was that she was so willing to just roll with the punches, we could be doing anything and she'd be just as hysterical and happy and entertaining as always. She helped me make some beautiful paper leaves for some halloween garland inside the store. We got bored and decided to decorate. We had some good sales in the earlier hours and a couple orders came in around four. All in all it was a successful day for the shop.

I followed my bouncing best friend up the stairs to the apartment.

"I gotta find the perfect thing to wear..."

"Well feel free to raid my closet if you want. I got some shoes that might work too." I offered.

She squealed and headed off in the direction of my room.

I was losing steam pretty fast. I took my evening meds and put on a kettle of water for tea. I let my nose warm up as I stood close to the stove, feeling the heat rise and the water begin to hum. I kept a smile on my face for Angela as she came in and out of the bedroom in various outfits. She looked amazing in everything she put on.

I could feel myself settling into a bit of a lonely mood. I didn't want to feel lousy, I just did. And I was unsure of how Edward felt. Would he want to see me again?

In times like these I made it a ritual to cook something delicious for myself. I liked to focus on the task of making food instead of whatever it was that was bothering me. I searched my cupboards and my fridge, pulling out ingredients I thought my might work well. Soon I was dicing zuccini and tomatoes, garlic and herbs from my window sill garden. I had to use them up before it got too cold.

I had a pot of boiling water and whole wheat pasta waiting to be cooked.

"Good Christ on a bike...what smells so amazing?"

"Just some pasta and veggies I guess."

Angela emerged from the bedroom, done up perfectly for her date. She looked all...glowy.

And she was about to drool over my food.

"Hey hey now...you are about to go get some free food and some ass so leave my zuccini alone, you.."

"You're right, you're right. How do you I look?"

"Fantastic. I'd take you home." I said with a wink. She laughed and gave me a cat purr.

"Are you sure you're okay Bells?"

I put on my most convincing face and said, "Of course."

I heard the intercom buzz. Someone was at my door. We both grinned at each other. I went to the intercom and pushed the button.

"She'll be right down!" I said in sing song, giggling at Angela as she did a once over in the mirror and pushed her boobs upwards.

"Get get em, tiger." I winked. She kissed my cheek and took off down the stairs and out the door. I went to the window to peek down. Garrett was looking very handsome tonight. He lit up as soon as Angela appeared.

I smiled to myself and returned to my spot in front of the kitchen table, throwing my vegetables into the hot pan with the olive oil and garlic, basil and rosemary.

When my food was ready I poured my dinner into a round ceramic bowl, grabbed my favorite fork and made my way to the couch. On my laptop I finished the days order sheet while I scarfed down my food. It was so. Freaking. Good.

My apartment was too quiet. I sighed as I closed my computer and set my dish on the coffee table in front of me. I was bored. I was alone. I poured myself some tea and took a deep breath, listening to the clock in the hallway tick.

I ran through my collection of dvds until I decided I'd watch a couple season episodes of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Comedies were good for lonely people right?

I popped in the dvd and and went back to the couch, flopping down unceremoniously on the same side Edward had been just the night before.

I felt something poke my hip as I tried to get comfortable.

What the...

It was a dark, black, leather wallet.

_Was__this._...?

I flipped it open. Yep. Sure enough Edward Masen was looking up at me. Flawless even in his license mugshot.

I must have gotten wedged here last night. Did we both fall asleep? Or did I pass out and he just left awkwardly? God I hope not.

My fingers traced the seam of his wallet. Was it wrong to poke around a little? Would he come back for it or should I take it to him?

I fought with myself for a moment, but my curiosity got the best of me. I opened his wallet and looked around. He had about seven dollars and some change, a couple credit cards, some stamps. There was a coupon for the hardware store, some blue paper clips in the change pocket. An old library card and some old receipts.

There was also a small, silver key tucked behind his cards.

Sticking out behind his license was a worn edge of a photograph. I was very gentle, trying not to tear the edge as I pulled it out.

It was a woman in the little photo, smiling up at me. She was unmistakably related to Edward. Those amazing, intense green eyes were mirrored here in the picture. She had deep red, wild hair. She was beautiful. She was young. I turned over her the picture to find a scribble in cursive.

_Elizabeth,__1989_.

Was this Edward's mother? He would have only been a few years old at this time.

I suddenly felt horrible for snooping. I gently put back the photo and closed the wallet. I warred with myself for a few minutes. Should I take this to him?

I looked around my empty apartment. It was only 8:30. Ang wouldn't be home for a few hours. I had absolutely nothing to do.

And acquaintance would certainly deliver a missing wallet.

Okay, okay. I'm going.

I fixed my hair in the bathroom mirror, weaving it into a quick fishtail braid. My wavy, unruly hair still managed to fall in a few wispy pieces around my face. I didn't bother fixing it. I grabbed my jacket, a thick wool scarf and my keys before I headed down stairs and went out the back door, locking it behind me. I tucked Edward's wallet inside my jacket pocket.

It was definitely chilly out. I wrapped my scarf in a giant bundle around my neck. I grabbed my bike and took off in the direction of the trail I'd met Bosley on. I could remember my way to his house from there right?

The wind picked up as I sped off on my bike, making good time to the trail head. Instead of chaining it, I took it down the path, careful to watch for roots and large rocks. Just as I had the other morning, I saw the river come into view across the long stretch of beach.

Suddenly I felt a large rain drop splat against my cheek.

_Shit.__Shit,__shit,__shit_.

I pedaled harder, willing the rain away. I kept my mouth tucked under my scarf, saying silent prayers that I wouldn't get stuck in a downpour. I couldn't get sick.

10 minutes later it was falling harder, my hair was soaked and plaster to my face, I could feel dampness begin to seep through my jacket. Shit!

Why was I so stupid? Somehow, whenever Edward was on my mind, I lost all logical thought.

I noticed a light up ahead, a faint glow from the windows of Edward's cottage.

Thank God.

My chin quivered with the cold as I took the path around the boulder ridden shore Bosely had led me through. I jumped off my bike as my wheels hit the beach and ran with it all the way up to Edward's front porch. I leaned it against the rails before climbing up his front steps to get out of he rain and under the awning.

I checked myself out in the window's reflection. I was a hot mess. I pulled the hair band from my wet, ruined braid and wrung it out, It was already beginning to curl again. I wiped the mascara from under my eyes quickly and tried my hardest not to shake.

I could hear Bosley barking inside as I stepped over some creaky porch floor boards to knock on the door.

I could hear Edward's muffled voice from behind the door.

"Alright, alright, Bosely. I got it..."

I winced as light poured out of his door way the moment he opened it.

"Bella?" he sounded completely shocked.

I blinked a few times before I could look at him.

_Good__God_.

He stood before me shirtless, wearing a pair of flannel plaid pajama pants that hung oh so low on his hips. His chest was thing to behold in itself. He was lean and toned, his broad shoulders chiseled in the most perfect way. The line of his hips cut in towards his groin in a v-shape. He didn't have much hair apart from the thin trail of dark from his belly button downward. He was built perfectly - not too much mass, but just enough. I wanted those arms around me as soon as I saw them. I got a full view of his tattoo now...lilies. I remembered him standing in front of the ones in my shop the very first time I saw him. As I stared I noticed a long, thin scar running across his side. I wondered how he got it. His eyes were wide as he looked me over, concerned and utterly surprised by my arrival at his door step.

I felt a water droplet drip from my nose and my chin was still shaking.

Before I could say anything, Edward was dragging me inside.

"Shit, you're soaked."

He was yanking on the arm of my jacket, trying to get it off me. He looked...worried. And a little frantic. Bosley was fidgeting anxiously in the door way.

"Stay there, Bos." Edward instructed.

"I'm sorry, I d-don't want to get your floor all wet."

"I don't give a fuck about the floor." Suddenly I he put his hand up to my cheek. I froze for a moment, looking up at him. Every time he even came close to touching me, I felt my body hum with new energy, just like it was now. His eyes met mine and became softer. "You're freezing cold, Bella. What are you doing here?"

I reached for my jacket and dug into the pocket, pulling out his wallet.

"You left it. It must have fallen out of your pocket, it was in between my couch cushions."

He took it from me slowly.

"Thanks, I uh...I didn't know I left it. I've been asleep most of the day. I would have come and gotten it. You didn't have to come."

"Oh." I looked down. He didn't want me here...?

"No, I mean...I'm glad you did." he corrected himself. He stared at me softly, looking me over. "I'm glad you're here."

A small, crooked smile graced his lips.

"What are acquaintances for?" I replied with a cheeky grin.

I could feel my teeth chattering. Edward noticed too.

"Come on, lets get you warmed up." He showed me the to the downstairs bathroom. Bosley followe behind us, giving me one happy bark hello.

"I'll go see if I can find some clothes for you and we can put yours in the dryer." he said hurriedly. "I'll be right back."

I watched him disappear up the stairs. As he turned his back, I noticed the scar from his side continued onto his back, which had its own set of scars. One large one on the shoulder that wasn't tattooed, and a few smaller ones on the other side of his lower back.

_What__happened__to__you,__Edward_? I placed my hand over my own scar, feeling humbled for a moment. I wasn't the only one with scars, and neither was he. It was something we shared. Each one connected to a memory. The mystery surrounding Edward just became more and more ... what was the word he used?

_Complicated._

Bosley came and nuzzled my hand.

"Hey there, stranger."

I knelt down and gave him a good rub and kiss on the head. He licked my cheek and wagged his tail. God he was cute.

I heard Edward's foot steps upstairs. He seemed to be pacing. Drawers closed, it sounded like a closet opened, another drawer closed...

Finally his steps came down the stairs and he reappeared before me. This time with a shirt on. A long sleeved, comfy looking grey thermal.

He looked around for a moment until he spotted me on the floor with Bosley.

"So, I'm pretty sure all of these will be fucking gigantic on you, but at least they are dry." he said as he walked towards me. I rose from the floor and took the pile of clothes he offered me.

"Thank you, Edward. I really mean it."

And I did. He didn't know it, but he was probably saving my life right now. The sooner I got into dry clothes and warmed my feet up, the less of a chance I had at getting sick.

He nodded once and shrugged, putting his head down to look at Bosley. His ears were turning pink.

"Come on, Bos. Let Bella get dressed." he looked up at me. "I'll be over in the living room when you're done. It's just past the kitchen.

His eyes trailed down my body once before he turned to leave. The need to kiss him was overwhelming.

_Get__it__together__Bella._...

I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding.

I shut the bathroom door behind me, feeling the chill seeping into my bones. I got out of my wet clothes as fast as I could, running the hot water in the sink to warm my hands and feet, my neck and chest.

Edward gave me a rather large, but perfectly comfortable pair of sweat pants and a dark navy basketball sweater. Luckily my underwear was still dry enough to leave on. It was my top half and the bottoms of my jeans that were soaked most.

I decided I had a good reason to be nosy and opened up the mirror medicine cabinet. I took deep breaths as I poked around, breathing in the steam from the hot water running in the sink. I cheered silently to myself as I found a bottle of Emergen-C. Thank you, Jesus.

I popped the little vitamin pill and put the cap on the bottle, placing it back on the shelf. My eyes scanned the other contents of the cabinet. Some vitamins, aftershave, nail clippers. Pretty standard.

I kept breathing in the steam, lowering my face to the sink. I ran the warm water over my hands and even dipped my feet in, trying to warm those toes. I dried off with a clean towel and slipped on a pair of wool socks Edward had left for me. I'd be fine in no time.

I wiped the fog from the mirror and looked myself over. I wasn't half bad anymore. I ran my hands through my hair once or twice, pleased with the way it was starting to curl and wave. My cheeks and nose were pink from the cold. I wiped a little left over mascara off from under my eyes. There.

I bundled up my wet clothes and opened the bathroom door. I had to stop to tie the drawstring on Edward's sweat pants. Acquaintances didn't show each other their underwear.

I entered the living room to find Edward stoking wood in a beautiful brick stone fireplace. Bosley was curled up on the couch facing the fire until he heard me come in. He perked up and his tail began to wag again, the jingle of his collar catching Edward's attention.

"Oh, I'll take those." he said. He looked so cozy in his thermal and flannel all I could think about was how badly I wanted him to be holding me. He came over and took my wet clothes from me, taking them into another room and disappearing to put them in the dryer.

I found a spot on the couch next to Bosley. He scooted himself right over and put his head in my lap.

I heard Edward re-enter the room.

"So, I'm out of coffee...but - I do have hot chocolate." he said, looking down at me with a smug look, like nothing was more bad ass than hot chocolate.

I laughed. "With marshmallows?"

He feigned shock. "Is that even a question?" I followed him into his kitchen, immediately recognizing how much happier the mood was in comparison to the last time I was here.

He turned on the water and placed two mugs on the counter, tossing me a packet of cocoa mix. It was the kind that came with those little dried marshmallows.

"Oh mini marshmallows, perfect." I smiled.

"Oh no. Not quite." he reached up into the top shelf of the cupboard by the stove and pulled down a large glass jar, filled to the brim with real, puffy, mini marshmallows.

He placed them on the counter with a thud.

"_Now_ it's perfect."

"You and your sugar..."

He shrugged and turned up the heat on the stove, willing the water to boil faster.

"What time did you leave this morning? I didn't hear you go." I said. "I'm sorry I fell asleep on you."

He froze for only a moment.

"Uh...I think it was around five. Don't feel bad, I think I passed out too. I didn't wake up your friend when I left did I?"

"Oh Angela? No, she was pretty drunk last night. She didn't hear a thing."

Outside thunder cracked loudly, making me jump. Bosley started to whine and came in from the living room, seeking shelter right between Edward's knees.

"It's alright bud...it's alright..."

Something about watching Edward with Bosley made me melt a little inside.

"I pulled your bike in under the porch so it can dry off a bit. I still can't believe you rode that thing here."

"Well I didn't know how to get to your house any other way. I only remembered the way Bosley brought me. And I didn't know it would rain. I feel silly now..."

Edward bent down to rub Bosley's ears once before the kettle started to whistle. He pulled it off the stove top and poured water into our mugs, presenting me with a spoon for stirring.

I noticed he didn't tell me how to get to his house by car. Did he not want me to know the way? Did he not want me to come back? Maybe he liked to be left alone.

I stirred my hot chocolate to the perfect consistency before adding the packet of mini marshmallows. Edward popped the lid on the jar of real marshmallows and offered me first grab. I took a few and plopped them into my mug.

"Weak. Just...weak." he said, looking down at my mug. I started laughing out loud when he grabbed a heaping handful of marshmallows and piled them on top of his hot chocolate, making himself a floating mountain of white fluffy sugar.

He leaned on the counter top with both elbows, curling his hands around the warm cup and taking a marshmallow bite with his teeth right from the top, making me giggle even more.

He smirked up at me and reached into the jar for more, plopping a larger handful on top of _my_ mug.

Mini marshmallows toppled over the edge and onto the counter. I flicked one at him, nailing him right in between the eyes.

He looked up at me with a mischievous grin. I was in trouble.

A mini marshmallow war broke out between us, and soon we were dodging marshmallow bullets and giggling like idiots. Bosley was barking happily.

"Bosley, get Bella! Get her!" Edward laughed.

The big old puppy came trouncing over to me ready to cover me with kisses. I was hiding behind the little island, Edward was trying to pelt me with marshmallows from the other side.

Sloppy puppy kisses were the final straw.

"Okay okay! I surrender."

"I knew you would eventually..." Edward said smugly from the other side. We were both laughing and trying to catching our breath. My back was against the island and I could feel him sit down against the other side.

"Eh...I'll get you back another day."

I heard him chuckle from the other side.

With a fizzling sound, the lights suddenly went out.

"Ah shit." came Edward's voice.

Neither of us made to move from our spots. My eyes tried to adjust as I blinked and looked into the dark. My ears were alert, listening for Edward in the dark. The lack of light had made the mood suddenly shift. It was cold. The only light was a dim flickering of the fire place from the other room.

"Bella?" his voice sounded softer, more serious.

"Hmmm?"

"What happened to you? Last night at the bar."

I swallowed thickly. I wasn't ready to answer that.

"Edward, where did you get the scar on your side? And on your back?"

Silence.

"I guess these aren't exactly acquaintance appropriate questions, are they?" I said. There was no tone in my voice, I was simply stating the facts.

He was still very quiet.

"I guess not."

My chest felt heavy with more confusion. It was clear to me that we wanted to know each other. But something was stopping us both. Secrets, the past, pieces of ourselves we wanted to hide from the other. No one ever made me feel so exposed. And I supposed I did the same to him.

I heard him shift to stand. Soon I saw his figure come around the corner. He reached down a hand to me, helping me up. As I came to my feet, I felt Bosley stick his head against the back of my legs, knocking me forward - smack into Edward's chest.

My socks slipped a little on the hard wood floors and I could feel Edward's arms tighten around me, keeping me from falling.

"S-sorry..."

I felt him chuckle a little, holding onto me just a second longer before stepping away from me.

"Come on." he said, "I won't let you fall."

I felt his warm hand wrap around mine, leading me to the stairs. One step at a time he lead me up to the second floor. I put my hand on his back, feeling him move up the stairs, following his form.

I could see the faint outline of canvases and easels in the room to my left, but couldn't decipher what was on them. Edward steered me in the opposite direction, towards what I assumed was his bedroom. He stopped for a moment in the door way, telling me to wait a minute.

I heard him shuffling around in a closet, cussing a little, trying to find something.

I almost yelped when a light appeared in front of me. He'd found a flashlight.

"Stay here a minute, I'll be right back." he said. He disappeared into the room with the easels. I heard some rustling around, but he was back within a few minutes.

The only light in the room now was the digital blue glow of the clock. It was almost eleven. Thunder cracked outside again and Bosley was between my knees, whimpering. The lighting illuminated the room for split seconds. I could see the bed front of me, the door to the bathroom, an open closet door.

"It's late Bella..."

I felt my nerves perk at the comment. And immediately thought I had overstayed my welcome.

"O-oh...I should be going..."

"Are you fuckin kidding me? I'm not letting you get back on your bike in a thunderstorm. You're at least a half a hours ride away. You're staying here. I'll drive you and your bike back in the morning."

I was surprised, and a little nervous. Staying here...in Edward's house.

"I mean uh... is that...is that okay?" his voice softer now.

"Yes."

"Okay, uh...lemme get you some blankets. You can stay in here, I'll uh...I'll be down on the couch."

"Oh, okay."

I followed the light from his hand and watched him make the bed over. He was kind of adorable, trying to make me comfortable, showing me the bathroom and putting a clean pillow case on for me.

When he was finished, he whistled for Bosley.

"C'mere Bos. Good boy. Lay down." he said. Bosley laid down in the doorway of the bedroom. Edward looked up at me from the door.

"Bosley will stay here tonight. He'll let me know if you need me."

I smiled in the dark, sitting down on the bed.

"Thank you, Edward. For all of this." I said sincerely. We could only just see each other's face.

"Yeah, don't mention it. You_did_ bring my wallet back in a rainstorm."

I laughed, leaning back against his very plush, comfortable pillows.

"Good night, Edward."

"Good night, Bella."

I watched the flashlight disappear down the stairs and stared up into the dark. I heard Bosley's collar jingle and almost peed my pants when he suddenly jumped up on the bed, burrowing into my side.

He was a great little bed warmer and soon I felt the comfort of sleep very close to me. And all I could think was how the hell I wound up here. In Edward's bed.

Complicated indeed.

**Thanks again for reading my friends! Can't wait to show you more :) You know what to do ;)**

**ps. Thank to whomever it was that nominated this fic for the Lemonade stand something something. I forget what it was. But I really appreciate it! You are all wonderful. **


	8. Chapter 8

I stared at the ceiling for a long time, nowhere near falling asleep.

Bella was upstairs.

In my bed.

In my clothes.

_Fuck_.

I'd been completely side swiped by her arrival at my door. I'd been thinking about last night all day, and then suddenly there she was. On my front steps.

Soaking wet, eyes glassy and beautiful and brown. Cheeks and nose pink, shaking like a leaf. She looked so...fragile. It made me nervous.

I'd spent most of my day in bed. I had gotten home around 5:15 in the morning and I was fucking beat. And even then it took me a while to get to sleep because all I could think about was kissing Bella again - in real time.

Her had been so soft when I finally laid mine against hers. She let out this low, soft moan that almost buzzed against my lips. Lost in her subconscious, she could still feel me there. The hum of her mouth against mine..._God_. I wanted more of that.

But my mind continued to scream at me that I had to slow down. I already felt like I was in over my head. I was already too...exposed.

It took all of my will power to leave her that morning. I wanted to kiss her everywhere. Slowly, gently, until she woke up and saw me there, loving her. I wanted her to ask me to make love to her and I wanted to oblige.

But instead I was forcing myself out her front door and into the dark of the early morning, reminding myself that life didn't work that way. That life shits all over everything good one way or another. Nothing lasts. People are fucked up. I'm fucked up. People leave. People die.

Nothing is guaranteed.

When I finally did fall asleep that morning, I slept through most of the day. I woke around three in the afternoon to eat some food, take care of Bosley and finish up some work. I never showered or got out of my pajamas. The house had taken on the kind of quiet that was perfect for working.

I sped through a few hours of painting, lost in it all until I could feel my stomach begging to be fed. I had just finished washing the dishes from my dinner when Bosley started barking at the door.

And then Bella was here.

I had hurried to get her out of her wet clothes, knowing that she could get sick from the cold and wet. I remembered once when I was about six or seven years old, my mother had gone for a walk to work in the gardens behind our house and got stuck in the rain. She spent the rest of the week in bed. No one let me see her. I didn't understand at the time. I thought she was going to die. Seeing Bella in front of me like that...I felt a familiar panic return to me.

I couldn't even feel stupid about leaving my wallet. In fact, I was glad I had. Because now Bella was here in front of me instead of silent on my canvas, or untouchable in my mind.

While Bella had been changing, I was frantically moving around the house. I bolted up to the studio and put away the sketches of her from earlier that afternoon. I draped my working canvases with a sheet, covering the work in progress that was all too familiar. I went down to the living room to start a fire, feeling the chill seeping into the house. Bella needed to be warm. I dug around in my cupboards trying to find coffee but only came up with a few packets of swiss miss.

She seemed content with that though. She was easy to please. I was beginning to notice that it took very little to make Bella happy. She liked simple things. There was an air of gratitude around her that humbled me. Her smile...it was just so genuine all the time. It always had me looking twice.

What really had me puzzled was how easy it was to forget things when she was around. She lifted a weight from me that had become too familiar. I found myself _laughing_. Dodging fucking marshmallow bullets like a kid. Goofing around just to see more of that smile.

And yet in an instant in the dark, I'd lost it again. We both had secrets. My curiosity about her was burning. But I couldn't expect much from her if I couldn't give in return. She had me there.

She'd asked about my scars. I grimaced at the thought of telling her how I got them. Who gave them to me. How those wounds had almost taken my life.

Too much, too soon.

I closed my eyes, trying to get comfortable on the couch. My mind retraced the night, floating back to small moments I'd cataloged. The softness of Bella when she fell against me. The swell of her breasts against my chest. The way her hand felt comforting and safe against my back when I had led her up the stairs. The way her eyes wandered down my body when I first opened the door.

Sleeping all day had fucked up my sleep cycle.

I rose from my spot on the couch to stoke the fire some more. I took my flashlight and ventured down into the basement, checking the breakers and flipping a few switches. The bulk of the storm had passed.

I briefly contemplated going upstairs to see if maybe I could steal another kiss.

I almost laughed out loud at myself, at the idiot pansy I was becoming.

I sat back down on the couch and turned on the flat screen above my mantle, checking the power. Luckily it had returned fairly quickly and whatever futzing around I did downstairs must have righted the problem in the house. I wondered if Alice had lost power too. I checked the football highlights and zipped through channels, not really interested in anything in particular. I pulled the afghan from the back of the couch and draped it over me, settling back into my couch cushions.

Maybe it was the warmth of the blanket or the dull noise of the tv. I don't know, but soon I was finally able to pass out.

But it wasn't long before I was awake again, startled by the wet nose of my dog just under the palm of my hand. I blinked a few times, trying to get the sleep out of my eyes. It was still dark out. I checked the clock. I'd only been asleep for a few hours. It was three in the morning.

And here was Bosley, looking anxious and nudging my hand with his snout.

He probably had to pee.

"Bos, you gotta go out?"

He whimpered, wiggling his butt until he sat down on the floor, looking at me expectantly. Usually if he had to pee, as soon as I said 'out' he would bolt to the door. So I took the sitting down as a resounding 'no.'

"What's wrong, bud..." I groaned. I had just gotten so comfortable in my spot on the couch, my body was begging me to stay.

My mind jolted awake as I remembered that Bella was upstairs.

Bosley was a worrier. Through the few years I'd had him, I'd noticed his intuition, his knack for sensing trouble or sadness, pain or fear. I'd say he was quite the empathic little fur ball. That's why I knew he'd stay upstairs and watch out for Bella. He'd already clearly grown attuned to her.

Something must be wrong.

I tossed the blanket aside and got up, hissing as my bare feet hit the cold hard wood. In minutes I was up the stairs and standing outside my bedroom door.

I could still hear rain pounding on the roof, but the thunder had lightened up.

The door was cracked a bit, I'd left it ajar in case Bosley had to go out or come and get me. I stood in front of it, listening for a moment.

Nothing. No sound. I pushed the door all the way open.

My eyes had adjusted to the early morning dark. It painted everything in a shade of blue.

I could see Bella's form in my bed from where I stood at the door. She'd kicked all the covers to the floor it seemed. She was rolled up in a tiny ball at the head of the bed. I quietly stepped into the room. I heard Bosley behind me, and whispered for him to sit and stay, to wait for me.

I crept a little closer. She was in the fetal position, knees to chest, arms tucked in, head and neck curled down towards her knees. And she was shivering.

_Shit._ Did she have a fever?

The floor underneath me groaned a bit as I came to the edge of the bed. I froze, expecting her to wake up. But just like the night before, she was dead to the world asleep. It seemed to me that it took a lot to wake her, she wouldn't even wake to find her own blankets when it was freezing cold.

I held my breath as I reached out to put my hand to her forehead. Her body seemed to calm ever so slightly at my touch.

No fever.

I let out the air in my lungs slowly, relief washing over me.

Her shirt had ridden up in her sleep, revealing a silver sliver of skin on her back and side. Flawless, porcelain. A birthmark that was almost the shape of a clover on her left hip.

I reached down and picked up the blankets from the floor, putting them over her and carefully tucking it under her ice cold feet. She stirred just a little, moving to pull the blankets tighter, catching my hand in the process. She had the edge of the blanket and my thumb in her grip.

I was holding my breath again, waiting to see what would happen.

She pulled me and the blanket up to her chest.

My hand was essentially smack dab in the middle of her breasts. She didn't whimper or snore, she didn't make any sounds or flinch and wake up. She just hummed once in her sleep, her hand resting on mine now. Right over her heart.

I wished I could feel more of her, but her sweater was too thick. But what I could feel was her warmth, radiating. Her heart beat against my palm. Calm. Slow. Gentle.

I couldn't even fucking think. There was just nothing in my mind. Nothing but her. Right now. Just like this.

I looked over her face. So peaceful.

She was just...beautiful.

Bosley nudged the back of my calf once before hopping up on the bed beside Bella. I had to smile as I watched him scoot close to her, resting his head on the bend in her knees and laying down against the back of her legs. Bella loosened her grip on my hand enough for me to slide away.

The two of them together like that put my whole world right for even the smallest moment.

What the fuck was I going to do?

Needless to say, I wasn't going back to sleep tonight.

I ended up puttering around the house until the windows lit with the first rays of sunlight. I kept an ear out for the creak of the first stair up on the second floor. It would be my signal that Bella was awake and coming down. I'd pulled her clothes out of the laundry and folded them for her. I was turning into Esme. Jesus...

I took a shower in the downstairs bathroom and pulled some clean clothes from a laundry basket in the laundry room. I rummaged around my fridge and cupboards, trying to figure out what the fuck Bella might like for breakfast. I made a kettle for some tea, and loaded my mug with sugar. I didn't have any honey in sight.

It was around 7:30 when I finally heard the top stair creak. I took a painfully hot gulp of tea and tried to look normal.

Bella peaked around the corner of the kitchen wall, Bosley right behind her. She looked rested and rosy cheeked. Her hair was a mess of curls. She looked so small in my clothes, the sleeves of my sweater well past her finger tips.

"Morning." she said softly, entering the kitchen almost cautiously.

"Hi."

Wow. I'm so articulate.

"Your clothes are dry, I left them on the banister." I said.

"Oh, thank you." she smiled up at me.

"Um...so I don't know what you like for breakfast. I mean, I have some eggs, but thats about it...I'm not really much of a cook..." I trailed off, a little embarrassed by my lack of preparation.

"Hmmm...well, how about I take you to breakfast? I owe you one for letting me stay."

"Nah, you don't have to-"

"Please, Edward? It's the least I can do." she looked so genuine. I couldn't say no.

"Alright." I sighed. "I'll tie your bike to my car and drop you off at the shop after."

"Perfect! Thank you." she smiled widely at me before she disappeared around the corner to change into her clothes.

About fifteen minutes later Bosley was whining as Bella and I said goodbye and then we were on our way.

I took the country roads closest to the river to get to my favorite diner. It was called _Celia__'__s_. It was run by Celia herself, a sweet older woman who had come to know me pretty well. Often I'd run out of groceries and be too tired from a day in the studio to make myself something to eat. It was then I'd come down to her little diner on the pier.

I knew a short cut to get to the diner but I didn't take it. This way was much more scenic and if I was totally honest, I didn't want to take Bella home yet.

I watched her in my peripheral vision as I drove, sneaking full glances when I could. She had her head resting against the door just slightly, looking up at the trees. Fall was in full swing now and the foliage above us was bright with colors.

"Mmm...it's so beautiful out here. I love autumn." she commented. She had a small smile on her face as she looked out her window.

"Yeah, it's definitely my favorite time of year." I replied. "I used to love taking long drives on Sundays during the fall when I was a kid."

I stopped myself from speaking any further.

Why the fuck was I sharing this?

The truth was I _did_ love long drives on Sundays in the fall. My mom would take me to church in the morning and afterwards take me for a drive.

But it wasn't just because it was beautiful out. She was stalling. Neither of us wanted to go home. Home was where reality lived. And neither of us liked him very much. So, Sunday morning mass and a fall drive was our excuse, our scapegoat, our small bit of peace.

It was also one of my favorite memories of my mother.

She used to have the same small smile as Bella as the leaves passed by our windows. I was taken aback for a moment as I realized how much Bella was reminding me of my mother right now.

Careful, Edward.

"Me too." she said. "I used to beg my dad to take me for drives like that when I couldn't stand being inside anymore."

"You mean you didn't go out and make huge leaf piles and jump into them?" I asked.

That's what normal kids did right?

I saw something flicker in her eyes. A distant sadness.

"Nope." she said, giving me nothing more on the subject but recovering with a smile.

"Hmm...well, neither did I really." I admitted.

I wasn't allowed. In fact until my teens I didn't spend much time outside of my own bedroom.

I could tell Bella wanted to ask why, but she thought better of it, knowing I would ask her the same. Another road block in the mystery that was Bella. Another wall of my own I wasn't sure I could let down. Not easily.

"Sounds like we both missed out." she said, looking at me with sad eyes, but a soft smile. "Maybe one of these days we should try it." Her smile turned to a cheeky grin.

"Do acquaintances do that?" I asked, genuinely hoping that they did.

"I don't know..." she said, narrowing her eyes at me and smirking. "I think you want to be my friend, Edward Masen."

I laughed, unable to hide the grin on my face. She was more than right.

"Baby steps." she giggled. "Baby steps..."

The front door on Celia's Diner chimed once as we stepped in. We shuffled our feet on the welcome mat, trying to get rid of the wetness left from the damp ground. The rain had let up a bit, now a misty moisture in the air hung and the skies were still a little grey.

The place wasn't very full just yet. The main rush of people would come in around nine. Bella and I had been up earlier than I'd thought. I was quick to find my favorite booth. The two of us were just shrugging out of our jackets when I heard Celia.

"Mr. Masen! Here on an early mornin'. I had you pegged for my regular night owl."

Celia was about five foot nothing. She had the face of someone's fairy godmother, the round, pink cheeked look of Mrs. Claus, and the southern drawl of Paula Dean. She was a matriarchal dreamboat.

"Hi Celia," I said, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek.

She turned bright red. Happened every time.

"Oh, cut it out, you. Making me positively pink before my breakfast rush..."

She turned to look as Bella and gave me a sly smile.

"How do you do, darlin'? I'm Celia." she introduced herself, reaching out a hand to Bella. She took it and gave her a warm smile in return.

"Nice to meet you, Celia, I'm Bella."

"Oh please, you two, sit down, have a seat. You must be new in town then, Miss Bella?"

"I am actually. How did you know?"

"Well, I hate to toot my own horn, but nobody in this little town can resist my home fries. I know just about everyone and their mamas by now."

I watched Bella as she listened to Celia. She was glowing with this smile on her face. The sunlight that was finally starting to peak through the clouds came down through the window and onto her hair, illuminating its colors and those flecks in her eyes. She looked like a painting.

"Well then, it looks like you'll be seeing more of me." she replied. Celia was taken with her already. I could tell. She looked over at me and raised her eye brow, eyes twinkling with an approving light.

"It sure is nice to see you with some company, Edward. And such _lovely_ company at that." she winked at me. "Let me get you folks some coffee. I'll be right back."

When she had disappeared behind the counter I heard Bella giggle.

"She's adorable, Edward. No wonder this is your favorite diner."

"Yeah, she's a great lady. And she wasn't joking about those home fries. They are seriously amazing."

I could smell the coffee before it reached our table.

Celia set down a mug in front of each of us before plopping an extra handful of sugar packets next to me, making Bella laugh.

"What can I get you two to eat?"

Bella ordered a spinach omelette with a side of those famous home fries. I order the Eggs Benedict with the same. My stomach was growling at me. Every time I came here, I ate like a king.

A brief silence settled over the two of us. I felt like there were so many questions I had, so much I wanted to know about Bella, but I was too afraid to ask. The more I knew, the easier it was to get attached. I was too invested already as it was. The push and pull in my own head was enough to drive me crazy. I knew Bella's patience with me would run out eventually. Maybe that was for the best.

She had a curious look in her eyes that put me on edge. She was going to ask me questions.

Please don't, Bella. Just let me look at you. Tease me about my sugar intake or comment on the weather. Don't ask me questions I can't answer.

Please, not yet.

"So," she started. "You're a painter, then?"

Dammit.

"I am."

I swallowed thickly and fidgeted in my seat. My art was so connected to my pain that I knew I had to be vague in order to avoid talking about it. I could feel the good mood I'd had in the car begin to erode.

"Did you always love art? Or was it something you discovered a long the way?" she asked. I could see by the way she was watching me that she really, genuinely wanted to know. I wasn't used to this.

"I don't know...I guess I just sort of...fell into it." I replied. I didn't feel like telling her about how my coping mechanism had become my career.

"When did you start painting?"

"I was around 16."

"Can I see your work someday?"

_No._

"Yeah...maybe."

She smiled, but her eyes were wary of me. I knew it too, I could feel my anxieties start to shut me down. Too many questions. I couldn't answer them all. Not really. I could see in the tightness in her eyes that she was becoming annoyed with my short, nondescript answers.

"I remember you said you lived in Forks until you were sixteen, did moving to a new place inspire your work?"

It was an innocent question. I knew that. But the memories attached to the answer...I didn't want to see them. Or talk about them.

"I guess you could say that." I answered cryptically, my tone clearly annoyed.

I reverted to the skills I'd developed over the years - playing a role. My face became a mask of indifference and hardness. I made it visibly clear that I was not going to answer, to elaborate, to share. I felt my annoyance flare, as it did little to deter her curiosity.

I took a sip of my coffee and looked up to see Bella watching me. She had her hands wrapped around the warmth of her coffee cup, her arms pulled in tight to her body. Her head was just slightly tilted to the side, observing me. I felt transparent, uncomfortable. And yet torn. A very small, buried part of me wanted her to see me. I was just afraid once she did, she would run away. I wasn't ready for that.

"...what?" I finally asked. My tone was sharper than I intended. Bella's eyes narrowed, noticing it. I tried to soften my gaze, lowering it to the tower of mini coffee creamers she was beginning stacking haphazardly in between us. She sighed, her hands stopping and disappearing underneath the table.

"I don't know..." she said, looking out the window briefly before her eyes met mine again. Piercing, curious, direct. "I guess I'm just trying to figure you out. But you don't want me to. I keep hoping that you might..." she shrugged once with a disappointed smile.

"There's not much to figure out, Bella." I said it calmly. But I could feel the coldness in my own voice. I was unable to look her in the eye, knowing I was full of shit.

She knew it too.

She snorted once, and raised her eyebrow at me.

"I'm sure that _must_ be the case." she replied sarcastically. She sighed once, almost in defeat. "I just...I'm just curious about you, is that so wrong?"

I could feel the bite in my voice but somehow couldn't stop the irritated tone in my voice.

"There are certain things I don't talk about. Simple as that. Maybe you should ask different fucking questions."

"Maybe you should stop being a pussy." she snapped. Her eyes were alight with annoyance. I had forgotten for moment, that Bella didn't take my shit.

And for about 10 seconds I lingered on the memory of her little mouth forming the word, 'pussy.'

It was a surprise in two ways. The first being that I hadn't heard much foul language come out of Bella's mouth. The second...well. I'm a dude. Automatically I was taking her voice, that word, out of context and fitting it into my shower fantasies.

I was beginning to feel less and less in control. And I wasn't liking it. I was hating it. I needed to turn the tables. I'd have to pull out some stops.

"Well, you yourself are quite the mystery, Miss Swan." I sneered. "Alice tells me...what did she say? Oh, right. 'Bella has_lots__and__lots_ of allergies.' I don't need to be interrogated by some ex cop's pill popping daughter."

The look on her face made me hate myself.

Loathe myself.

She didn't look mad, shocked, or upset. She didn't even look hurt. She just looked...lost. The emotions that were usually so easy to read in her eyes were just gone. She had shut down.

I opened my mouth to speak once or twice, but no words came out.

One of Celia's waitresses came to our table to drop off our food. She was, luckily, oblivious to the tension radiating from our table. It looked like she had just clocked in and was running a little late. She left just as quickly as she came, leaving our plates of food to come sit with us in the middle of this awkward silence.

I didn't really know what to do. I half expected Bella to get up and leave.

But she unrolled the silver diner utensils from her paper napkin, shook some pepper over her spinach omelette and took a bite with her fork. She was going to stick this out. I watched as she chewed and swallowed and then looked up at me, square in the eye. Her gaze leveled me. She cleared her throat before she spoke.

"I didn't go to school on the reservation. I was sick." she said, her tone even and calm, unaffacted. "I've been sick for most of my life."

I faltered a little, closing my eyes her words sunk in. Her brutal honesty was meant to make a point, and I was hearing her loud and clear.

"Bella - I..."

"Please. Save it." she interrupted. "I'm not a china doll anymore Edward. In fact, I never was - not where it counted. You don't give me enough credit."

It was quiet for a few minutes. Bella continued to eat, showing no signs of weakness in front of me. But I could feel her anger and frustration. I hadn't touched my food.

I was completely thrown and I only knew a few things at that moment. 1) This morning had bombed. Hard. 2) Bella was sick. _Is_ sick? Was she dying? 3) I was a royal asshole.

"Can I ask. wh-" I started to ask about her illness, but she silenced me quickly.

"No. You can't." she said calmly, not looking up from her plate.

Shit. God, I'm so dumb. I'm so fucking dumb.

"Listen...Bella...I'm so-"

"Don't." she put a hand up to stop me.

She put her fork down and sat back against the booth, taking a deep breath and fiddling with the handle on her coffee cup. Half her food was still on her plate.

What she said next had me holding my breath.

"I _wanted_ you to kiss me, Edward...in the stairwell that day..." she said quietly. Despite the fact that she was being completely honest and direct with me, her cheeks became pink and she couldn't look me in the eye. But she continued anyway.

Bella was..._.brave_.

"Even against my better judgement, I wanted you to kiss me." she finally raised her eyes to mine. "And I think that even against _your_ better judgement, you want to _know_ me."

She sighed, looking out the window once before looking back at me.

"We don't owe each other anything. But don't you think we owe it to ourselves to just...figure it out? You don't have to spill every deep, dark, secret you've ever had. But you can't be the only one who gets to hide. And you don't get to treat people like an asshole. That's not how it works. At least not with me. If I'm only worth knowing a fraction of who you are - then don't bother."

Her voice was calm and collected, even though I could see she was wringing her hands just slightly in her lap.

She waited for me to speak, but I didn't know what to say. Once again, Bella had called me out. I was a coward.

She reached into her pocket and threw a couple bills on the table. She took a kids coloring crayon from a jar by the condiments on our table and wrote something down on a napkin.

"Call me when you decide what you want...a-and thanks for taking care of me last night." she said in defeat. She grabbed her keys and left, leaving me dumbfounded and alone with a cold breakfast and a million more questions.

Bella _wanted_ me to kiss her.

And I was doing a pretty fucking efficient job of fucking everything up. That's what I'm good at.

Goddammit, Edward.

I looked down at the napkin to find Bella's phone number in the waxy residue of a red crayon. Celia's voice snapped me out of it.

"Mr. Masen? Where did your lady friend go?"

"She, uh...had to..." I trailed off, looking out the window, unable to see her anymore. I grabbed the napkin and stuffed it in my pocket, scooting out of the booth and heading towards the door. I whipped it open, searching the parking lot, only to find my car with empty bike ties and no bike.

And no Bella.

"Mr. Masen? Honey, your food is goin cold. You want me to wrap it for you?" Celia said from the door, looking me over with concern.

"Oh...uh...yeah. Thanks, that'd be great..." I followed her back in the diner to the booth, grabbing the jacket I'd left.

"Want me to wrap Miss Bella's too?"

"No, she won't be back."

"...oh...I see."

Celia put on a weak smile for me, nodding once before disappearing with my plate. Minutes later she had returned with a neatly wrapped box and some peppermint candies for my pocket.

She reached up on her tip toes and planted a kiss on my cheek.

"Keep your chin up, love. Every good thing is worth working for." she winked at me and told me to stop by again soon.

I got in my car and pulled out the napkin Bella had left me. I wanted to call her. To go after her. But somehow I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

**Hi everyone! Sorry about the delay! I'll do my best to make sure it doesn't happen too much. It's my very last semester of college so I am, of course, a nut job. More chapters to come! Stay tuned :) And you know what to do... ;)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello Hello Hello! Happy reading my friends :) You know what to do ;)**

I pedaled hard out of that parking lot, feeling my eyes prick with hot tears.

NO, no...Bella you will not cry.

I gave no notice to the colors of the trees that had so captured me just about an hour ago. I sped down the road Edward had driven us, back in the direction of his house. With the rate I was working I could see his driveway in no time. I breathed harder, pedaling even faster past it.

I was mad. I was so damn mad. But more than anything I was disappointed. Last night...this morning...it all could have ended so differently. So wonderfully.

But that was my problem. I wanted everything to play out the way I hoped for instead of dealing with the reality that Edward is..._damaged._ It was abundantly clear to me now if it hadn't been before. The way he shut down, last night this morning...so_fast_. Keeping up with his mood swings, only asking about certain topics, never knowing what could trigger him to become so cold... it was all exhausting. And yet a part of me was committed to it, just to see where it could go...if he wanted it to go anywhere.

I could feel that he did. Even broken, he was so beautiful to me. He took care of me last night when he could have sent me home. I could see the inner war in his eyes, though I didn't know what he was fighting. I wanted to help him fight.

But I wasn't going to stay where I wasn't wanted either. I'd been pushed and pulled too many times already. The ball was in his court now. He had to decide - really decide, what he wanted. Either that or leave me alone for good.

Please, don't leave me alone, Edward...

Which was easier said than done. Because even if he did decide to never speak to me again or see me again...he would always be on my mind. Somehow I knew time apart wouldn't erase any of the curiosity or care that I inexplicably felt for him.

Edward had quickly made a place for himself in my mind, my heart, my new life here in Riverdale. I didn't want him to leave it.

It took me almost an hour to get home on my bike. I was freezing cold by the time I shut my front door behind me. The chilling wind had a way of ignoring layers of warm clothing and seeping into your bones.

My hands shook as I unbuttoned my jacket and hung it up in my closet. I noticed one of my jackets was missing.

Oh shit! Angela! She'd borrowed it the night before!

I raced to my room and found my cell phone on my night stand. I'd been so stupid to leave it behind yesterday.

I opened it up to find a text message from Ang.

"Hey woman! I'm spending the night at Garrett's. Don't judge me. He's being quite the gentleman. I'll see you in the am. Love you, sugar tits!"

I breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't home yet.

I mentally face - palmed for being so stupid. Knowing Angela, if she had come home to find me missing, she would have had a swat team combing the town. Not to mention my father would probably have a stroke.

I was secretly very excited that she had obviously had a great time with Garrett. Maybe they hit it off really well. Maybe she'd like Riverdale more and move. It would be great to have my best friend around more often. I was dreading saying goodbye to her.

My apartment would go back to being quiet and lonely.

I need to get a dog or something.

I sat still for a moment on my bed, taking a few slow, deep breaths.

This morning had left me reeling a bit and I needed to calm down. I was feeling so let down, realizing that maybe this morning was the last I might see of Edward for a while. When I left the diner I had walked slowly, waiting for him to run after me. To beg me to stop, to say he was sorry, to say he didn't want me to leave.

But he didn't. And maybe he never would. What exactly was I expecting anyway? That he'd come around and tell me all his sorrows and his dreams? That he'd want to spend his time with me? That he'd kiss me? That he'd tell me he wanted to keep me? That he'd ...love me?

I was always quite the dreamer. You kind of had to be when you were stuck in bed for the majority of your childhood.

I needed to just let go of this. To stop hoping for things that might not happen. But the hurt I felt was undeniable. I'd already hoped for too much.

I changed into a pair of skinny jeans and threw on a long sleeved, blue cotton shirt. I fixed my hair into a braid and brushed my teeth. I took my meds and listened to the quiet in my little house. I was still shivering from my cold bike ride, so I turned up the thermostat and flipped on the tv.

It was around ten in the morning so there wasn't much on. I was anxious for Angela to come back. I wanted to hear about her date and I wanted to tell her about last night.

And this morning.

At eleven, I opened the shop.

I took my time packaging a few orders, letting my movements and tasks become ritualistic, therapeutic, soothing. I had learned to be gentle with each and every flower or plant I worked with. Too much pressure here or there could snap a stem or wither a petal, tear a leaf or crack a branch.

Life is so fragile. All of it.

It was eleven thirty when my shop bell rang and Angela came in, beaming.

I saw Garrett's car take off past the shop. It looked like he was still smiling too.

"He said to tell you hi," she said. "He would have come in but he was late for work. We were a little preoccupied this morning..."

The grin on her face was priceless. I narrowed my eyes at her, trying to determine if they did the Do.

"He made me breakfast, B. We didn't have sex...even though I really wanted to..." she admitted. She came up to the counter and gave me a hug hello. She pulled up my office chair and sat down behind me, watching me work and dishing details about their night together. He'd taken her to an indie theater downtown and to dinner by the river.

"We just couldn't stop talking...we drank and laughed and talked until we couldn't even figure out what time it was. He had taken me back to his place for drinks and he just let me stay because it had gotten so late. He was a total gentleman about it too! He was going to sleep on the couch and let me have his bed, but we both fell asleep before either of us could move. We woke up together on his couch this morning..._God_, he's just so..."

She rolled her eyes into the back of her head and sighed. She was clearly feeling a little smitten.

"And he's such a good kisser, Bella! Holy hell..."

I laughed, happy she had had such a good time.

"Maybe you should stick around Riverdale...you never knowwwww..." I said in sing song.

Her laugh was interrupted by a long yawn. I wanted to tell her about Edward, but it didn't seem like the time. She was so ..._happy_. I had no intention of ruining that.

"Why don't you go take a nap and catch up on some rest, Ang. When you wake up I'll help you pack. I'll make you something to eat before you go."

She stood up and gave me another hug.

"THIS is why you're my best friend." she laughed, yawning once more.

The rest of my work day passed fairly quickly. I got a few customers and a pretty decent amount of orders for the week. Slowly but surely, business was picking up.

I hadn't heard much movement from upstairs so I assumed that Angela was passed out cold.

Edward stayed at the forefront of my mind all day. I kept my cell phone in my pocket, jumping every time it buzzed, hoping it was him.

He probably didn't even keep that stupid napkin.

When five finally rolled around, I closed up the shop and turned off lights. I hung up my apron on the post by the stairs and looked once more at the door. He wasn't coming.

I started to hear the muffled sound of music as I came to my apartment door.

I smiled as I recognized the sound of some old school Kingsmen. 'Louie, Louie' was playing from the boom box in my room. And there was Angela. In an old t-shirt and her boy shorts, wiggling her ass around as she folded clothes and put things in her bag.

It was just like our college days. I had to smile.

She noticed me enter the room and shimmied her way right over to me, humping the air once or twice before grabbing my hands and spinning me around.

I was so glad she was here. For a moment I forgot about all the weight that had been hanging heavily on my shoulders and just let myself be silly. We pulled out our old favorite moves...the running man, the lawn mower, the q-tip.

The two of us started chucking clothes at each other and laughing as Angela threatened to start farting at me if I didn't help her pack.

We ended up collapsing on my bed in a fit of giggles, my room an utter and complete mess. When we wanted to make a mess we were pretty thorough about it.

Our laughter started to die down into a long sigh between us and finally a comfortable quiet. Angela studied the ceiling as she spoke quietly.

"I don't want to leave you here alone, Bell." she said.

"I'll be okay." I promised her. I was afraid maybe she worried about me too much. I was really alright. People can be sad sometimes and still be alright.

"I know you can take care of yourself. That's not what I meant...I just...don't want you to be alone."

I let the quiet envelope us again. I didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to be alone either...but I was beyond lucky to even be alive. I didn't think I could ask for much more even if I wanted to.

I sat up on the bed and changed the subject, earning me an eye roll from Ang.

"C'mon. Let's get your stuff together and I'll make something for us to eat."

I could tell she was studying me pretty carefully, but she decided to drop the subject and smiled at me.

We spent that night eating a warm meal and listening to music before it was time for her to leave. I was certainly feeling the emptiness in my apartment as soon as she was out the door, leaving behind promises she'd return.

I knew she would, I just hoped it would be soon.

I went to bed almost immediately after she left, taking my evening medication and changing into loose, comfy pajamas. It was only 8:30 but I was beyond exhausted. Every part of me was tired. Physically, emotionally, psychologically...I just need to shut down.

I needed to stop thinking about Edward.

**Two Weeks Later...**

Time was passing at an interesting pace. It neither dragged nor charged ahead. It simply passed.

Luckily, the shop was picking up and gaining more attention than when I'd first opened. It wasn't crazy busy, but it was work. It was a nice balance.

I'd kept relatively to myself since Angela left. Maybe a part of me was having a bit of a sulk. Maybe I was wallowing.

But I'd seen Alice and Rose once or twice for coffee or lunch. I enjoyed spending afternoons with them. I was beginning to feel even closer to them. Though, it did take all of my will power not to ask about Edward.

I heard bits and pieces in their conversations. It seemed he was busy looking at galleries and working with his agent. He hadn't been over to see Alice since the two of them had come to my apartment.

I hadn't seen or heard from him since our tense breakfast conversation. For the first week I'd let myself hope just a tiny bit that I'd get that phone call, or see his face in my shop window. But it never happened.

I'd ruined it. Or he ruined it. I don't know. It was just...ruined.

I'd spent more time than I wanted to admit going over that morning and the night before it in my head. Maybe if I'd been patient...maybe if I hadn't been nosey and asked so many questions.

But then again...maybe if he wasn't an asshole...things could have been different.

It was a Friday evening and I was waiting for Jake to show up with his truck to help me load up about a dozen large arrangements.

I was in a happy mood today...which I was trying my best to hold on to. Thoughts of Edward, of my empty apartment, of my utter lack of a social life outside of the occasional coffee date with the girls, had me down. I needed to do something useful to feel better, and today, that was exactly what I was doing.

Last week Alice had called me with a project. She was setting up a fundraising gala event at the Riverdale Hospital for the children's ward. She'd spent the week getting sponsors and auction items and caterers to throw an event that would rake in some money for pediatrics. Apparently this was an annual event. Carlisle, being a pediatrician at Riverdale helped MC, Esme worked with decorations and the entertainment for the night, Alice helped coordinate the auction and Emmett showed up with the entire fire department every year to come visit the kids in full fire fighter gear. It was a family event.

This year I got to design the centerpieces for the all the tables and the stage - a makeshift ballroom set up in the hospital's cafeteria.

I couldn't help but be excited for so many reasons. The first being that I'd be helpful to the Cullens. I had to admit, I loved seeing them - especially all together. They were just a beautiful family. Asking me to help always made me so excited to know that they liked having me around. I needed community right now, and the Cullens made me feel like more than that - they made me feel like family.

But more importantly, I was excited to see the kids tonight. I felt a kinship with those of them who had spent the majority of their life in a hospital bed, or had dealt with the idea of dying at a very young age.

I'd had the occasional visit from a charity worker or a a random card from a kindergarten class, but a night like tonight would have been a great time and a great way to remind me that I was a kid. In many ways, I was still mourning my childhood.

I checked the plastic covers on the peonies as I dialed my dad's phone number to pass on the directions to the hospital. He and Sue were coming tonight and I was beyond excited to see their faces. Something about hearing my dad's voice always calmed me down and made me feel safe. Made me feel loved. It had been too long since I'd seen my dad. I felt much better knowing I was guaranteed a hug tonight. I noticed Jake's truck pull up to the front curb.

I said a quick goodbye as my gigantic best friend waltzed in, Leah close behind him.

Leah was a beautiful girl. She was a little taller than me with dark brown hair, green eyes and olive skin. Her Native American heritage was recognizable in her facial features. It was something she was always proud of and I was envious of. I thought she was stunning and I wanted to look just like her. She was a little older than us, and I remembered her studying after school at Jakes house once in a while when we were kids. She was often told to keep an eye out for us, but she always had her nose in a book. And it paid off - she was smart as hell. Not many left the reservation to get an education beyond high school or community college. Leah had put herself through college and law school...succeeding with flying colors.

She'd been gone to school through Jake and I's high school years, returning home by the time we had started college. The summer we were all home, it was pretty clear to me that Leah was no longer quite so interested in books - but rather in the man that Jake had become.

It had taken Leah and I a while to warm up to one another at first - but only because she thought Jake and I were an item. It was only after I had clarified - strongly- that that was not that case, that she was more friendly towards me. Jake and Leah started dating during our sophomore year and have been together ever since.

She came right over to me from my front door and wrapped me up in a hug.

"Bella! I've missed you!"

I really had missed her too. Once we had become more friendly with each other, she started to really understand why Jake and I were like brother and sister. And soon she was treating me in the same way.

Jake gave me a squeeze and told me I looked pretty.

I disagreed but smiled at the compliment. Jake and Leah both looked amazing. Jake had on the one suit that would fit his shoulders, and Leah looked clean cut and stylish in a square necked black dress.

I was wearing a vintage looking floral print mini with a soft cotton cardigan. It was a beautiful dress...I just wasn't feeling especially gorgeous.

Lately I hadn't been feeling much of anything really.

Jake helped me load his truck with the arrangements as it started to get dark out, while Leah was telling me the names of her lawyer friends who were coming to the benefit. She'd roped in the wealthiest in her firm to come tonight, hoping that they would be generous.

I concentrated on being gentle with the flowers as I loaded the truck bed, giving Jake the stink eye when I thought he was being too rough. He would roll his eyes and look at me apologetically before being gentle in the most overly exaggerated way possible, cooing at the arrangements like they were babies.

"Yeah, you better be nice..." I snorted at him.

Leah's cell phone rang and she took the call, I could hear her giving directions to the hospital over the phone. Jake took the moment to look me over.

"You okay, Bella? You look thin to me..." he said quietly.

"Jake, everybody looks tiny to you. You're..._you_."

"Are you calling me fat!" he gasped in mock hurt. I rolled my eyes before loading the last arrangement, adjusting the plastic cover.

"I'm just lookin out for ya, Bells. You seem...I don't know...you just haven't been your usual happy self."

"I'm happy." I assured him as genuinely as I could, pausing to look him in the eyes and smile in affirmation.

I was happy...right? I mean generally?

"I'm just having an off week or two. It's not a big deal. Maybe I'm getting my period." I explained, half talking to Jake, half thinking out loud. I knew he'd drop it as soon as I brought up my period.

He was just such a boy.

"Uh, yeah...that's my cue." he said, cutting around the truck quickly to the driver's side.

Leah let me climb in behind the passenger seat before jumping in beside Jake. I tried to focus on looking happier, perkier. I was not going to allow myself to be a debbie downer tonight. None of this was about me.

I had wondered if Edward would be at the benefit gala tonight, but I'd learned from a lunch date with Alice that he was out of town this weekend. Something about looking at a gallery in Seattle. Part of me was relieved he wouldn't be there...the other part of me was feeling let down all over again.

We pulled into the hospital parking garage about fifteen minutes later. I'd texted Alice as soon a I could and sure enough, she had a band of volunteers waiting at the door to help us carry in arrangements.

I saw Jasper waiting on the curb with a smile on his face.

"Well hello, Miss Bella." he said, coming over to shake Jake's hand and give me a quick hug. Jake introduced Leah and the four of us started to unload the flowers.

"Allie is in full event planner mode," Jasper said with a smirk. "It's actually pretty damn impressive. Wait till you see it in there, Bella. You'd never know it was a hospital cafeteria. I can't wait to see those kids faces when they see it all."

I smiled, knowing Alice had surely worked her magic. I followed Jasper inside and to the elevator, shivering a little with the cold. It was late fall now. Snow would be coming soon.

We hopped in the elevator and chatted a bit until the doors dinged and opened to the hospital cafeteria floor.

My mouth dropped open. Jasper was right - Alice had done an amazing job. I felt as if we were stepping into a ballroom rather than a cafeteria.

Beautiful twinkling lights were weaving in out of gorgeous, sheer, hanging drapery. The lights were dimmed to a pretty, glowing atmosphere. Tree branches traveled up the walls and held up the drapery, making the entire room look enchanted. Round tables were set with pretty china and flowing tablecloths. Against the wall was a buffet table lined with covered, silver trays, steam rising out of each one. It smelled amazing.

"Bella! You're here!" I heard Alice call my name. She appeared from the doorway of a room adjacent to the cafeteria. She bounced over and showed me where to place the arrangements. With all the help she'd put together, we had the centerpieces uncovered, arranged and placed within 20 minutes.

I was particularly proud of these arrangements. The peonies with the twisted blossom branches, dried honey comb and queen anne's lace, accompanied Alice's design perfectly. Something about being in the room made me feel warm and even...beautiful. Everyone here was so beautiful in the light of this little fairy tale room Alice has arranged.

As soon as the arrangements were placed I went to work helping Jasper with last minute decorations to be hung, giving Esme a hug when I saw her.

"Bella!" Esme said, her face breaking out in a warm smile as she saw me. "How are you sweet girl!"

She wrapped her arms around me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

I held on to her just a moment longer than was probably normal. I felt her grip loosen for a moment, expecting me to let go of her. But when she felt my arms stay tight around her, she gave me a longer squeeze.

"Oh, Bella..." she said softly.

There was something about Esme that resonated with me. Even though I'd only known her for a short while, she had this motherly affection that I think I'd always wanted and hoped for. Part of me thought that maybe Esme knew this. Her intuition about people was pretty acute. It was like she just knew that I needed to be held like this. Even just for a minute. I almost wanted to cry.

When we pulled away she gave me a soft, loving look that put me at ease. Sometimes a girl just needs a damn good hug, okay?

I took a deep breath and asked how I could help.

Esme took my hand and led me to the side room, which was set up for a silent auction. The tables were set up around the walls for viewing an array of items. I helped her organize the first few tables and set up the bidding boxes.

"Bella, I want to show you something..." she said.

She took me over to the last table where she pulled out a large, wrapped, rectangular package from behind the other items.

"This is Edward's contribution to the auction. I thought you might like to see it." she said, offering it to me to unwrap.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." she winked and left me to it, heading over to the other tables to finalize the bidding boxes.

I stared at the package in front of me. I knew immediately that it was a painting. I was so ready to tear off the paper covering and see what Edward's mind looked like. But I paused for a moment, already feeling like I was being sucked back into a sensitive place. I didn't know what I would see, but I already knew I would immediately be dragged back into the mystery that was Edward Masen.

With hesitant hands, I ripped the tabs on the package, pulling out the canvas by the back of its frame.

I was literally holding my breath as I turned the piece around to look at it.

Immediately I was consumed with the rich colors splayed across the canvas. His style was so free, his expressive hand so evident in the piece. The feeling translated was undeniable. Whatever darkness was in Edward's past, or whatever he was struggling with...it didn't matter. Anyone could tell just by looking at this piece that the person who painted it was full of pure passion. A huge contrast to his quiet, cold, mysterious persona.

The piece was an abstracted landscape, the color scheme skewed, a field on fire with color, blue mountains, a speckled sky. To the far right, standing in the field was a figure. I squinted closer, not believing what I saw.

It was...

...it was _me_.

I mean, at least I thought it was. Was it really me? I looked closer, the figure was small, but detailed. Her back was facing the viewer, but her face was profile and turned skyward.

That was undeniably my profile.

His shading made the figure look mysteriously ambiguous from a distance, but squinting at it now...I knew it was me.

"Esme...did you...is this...?" I turned to ask, finding her standing still and watching me with a knowing smile.

"I saw it too, Bella." she said. "I went to visit him this week to help him pick a piece for the auction. This is not the first piece that has your likeness in it."

I stared at her, wide eyed in utter disbelief. Esme stepped closer to me.

"B-but I thought..."

"Whatever has happened between the two of you has woken Edward up in a way. I have to ask...as his... mother...that you don't give up on him. He's already given up on himself in so many ways. I _know_ he's is a challenge. But his life has not been an easy one. He sees something in you, Bella. We all do. You're special."

I felt my eyes brimming at her words.

"You don't see it in yourself, but you are. Give it time, and maybe Edward will surprise you." she said.

Esme touched my arm lovingly before leaving the room to find Carlisle. I was in shock. My whole evening thrown. I couldn't even tell if it was good or bad, I just felt...so much at once. Looking down at the piece in front of me...I knew I hadn't been stupid to think that there was something between Edward and I. A connective thread that we couldn't ignore. There was just a knot in that thread we had to untangle before we could truly understand each other.

I wiped my tears from my face quickly, trying to keep my mascara from running and ruining my face. Esme spoke to me with such love and acceptance. She thought I was special.

How many times had I felt unworthy? How many times had I questioned why I was special enough to be given another shot at _living_? I'd spent years struggling with my own worth and trying always to be grateful for what I'd been given despite all of that. And here was Esme and her wonderful family, telling me that I was special to them. That I mattered. That somehow I'd gotten through to a man who was deeply troubled. A man they all obviously cared for very much.

I placed a hand over my chest and felt my heart pounding. Strong, sure, healthy. Alive.

Maybe there was a reason I was still here.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard foot steps entering the room. Jake was coming to get me.

"Hey Bella! Alice said we can help bring the kids downstairs now. Guests are starting to arrive."

I sniffed once and pinched my cheeks, trying to fix my face into a healthy flush instead of a weepy mess. I followed him out the door and up the stairs. Alice and Jasper were standing with Carlisle, who was holding a little boy on his hip. The boy had to be about five. He was missing a patch of hair and sporting a row of sponge bob band aids on his hands from where his IV had been. He had his head tucked in the crook of Carlisle's neck and he was smiling at Alice.

"Bella!" Carlisle smiled widely as soon as he saw me.

What is it with this family? Why do I already love them so much?

"Hi Doc, good to see you!" I said. "Who've you got there?"

"This is Riley. Riley this is Miss Bella, can you say hi?"

Riley looked at me, grinning bashfully. "Hi, Miss Bella."

"Hi there, Riley." I said. "I love your sponge bob band aids."

I lifted up the sleeve of my cardigan to show him my band aid on my elbow. I'd scratched myself removing some thorns from a rose piece early in the week. My band aid donned one happy looking Tinkerbell.

Riley's eyes lit up at the sight of my little band aid.

"Look at that, Ri. It's a Tinkerbell for Bella." said Carlisle. Riley giggled once before buried his head in Carlisle's shoulder once again. I caught him peeking out at me from under his thick eye lashes.

Oh, smitten.

Alice, Jasper and I each visited room by room, say hello to the kids and their parents, escorting them down to the cafeteria lobby. I found myself unusually quiet and emotional the more people we met. I think Alice noticed, but she didn't say anything. It was just being back in a hospital setting that had me sensitive. Seeing these beautiful kids, fighting with their own bodies at such an young age, the IVs, the oxygen tanks, the bald heads, the band aids and bruises, the tiny coughs...and despite all of that...the huge smiles. It was all so familiar to me. Seeing them made me feel so many emotions. One of which was guilt. I'd made it. I'd survived. I'd been given a chance. And I was helpless now as to how to give them theirs.

I recognized that helplessness in the eyes of their parents, who were bravely sporting happy faces - just as my father had.

I tried my best to do the same, knowing that all I could do was help give them a night to remember.

We had them wait just outside the doors so they could all enter the little wonderland Alice had created together. There was one little girl who had attached herself to my side, clutching my dress and sucking on a pacifier. She had to be about three or four. Her parents weren't there yet, but she had followed our little band of kids down to the cafeteria. I reached down and held her hand. She looked up and me and I watched her pacifier bob upwards as she smiled.

"Emma..." Riley said, catching the little girl's attention. "That's Tinkerbella..." he whispered loudly, pointing at me.

Emma giggled loudly and clapped her hands before holding onto me again.

Alice and Jasper both opened the double swinging doors to reveal the fairy tale ballroom. I had my eyes on the kids the entire time. Light sparked in each one's face, excited smiles, giggles and awed wonder.

Emma started to bounce up and down and laugh, pointing at the twinkle lights.

The room had filled with guests, who were all on their feet, standing for the guests of honor and clapping wildly. Rosalie appeared at the front door, dressed in a pretty ball gown and sporting a pair of fairy wings, welcoming the children inside. She threw me a wink as we walked in.

The littlest kids were already having a blast. I watched the older patients, around 12-14 years old. They had their eyes on the littlest ones, watching the excitement become contagious.

We helped usher the kids inside to a special table made up for just them.

And just like that, the night kicked off into full swing. Alice, myself and some other volunteers helped deliver plates of food to the kids. The nursing staff had all dressed up in costumes and helped kids who couldn't feed themselves enjoy their dinner.

I spotted my father and Sue across the room and skipped over to say hello.

"Bella this is beautiful!" said Sue. The two of them were both clearly impressed with the room.

"It's all Alice, I just brought some flowers." I said, giving her a hug.

I turned to my dad.

"Hi Daddy..." I said.

I hadn't called him Daddy in a long time. But something about tonight, about how much I was feeling and remembering, something about needing my dad near me...it just happened. I saw his eyes well at up as I said it. I could see the pride on his face and he pulled me in close.

"Hi baby girl..."

We shared a loving, knowing glance. I knew he was remembering too. He watched all the kids at the table, now being entertained by Carlisle, who was cracking jokes while all of his patients teased him. I watched Esme, beaming at her husband from afar. Jasper had Riley up on his shoulders while Alice was laughing brightly by his side. Emmett had accompanied Rosalie, dressed in his full fire fighter gear.

I swallowed hard, trying my best to keep my emotions at bay. It was just so beautiful. And I could never explain articulately how it was making me feeling. The gratitude, the joy, the sadness, the guilt, all of it. And even the confusion...the mystery around Edward's painting...it was all so present in me tonight. Everything I was feeling was brought to the forefront of my mind all at once. I was trying my best to keep myself together.

I brought Dad and Sue over to a table and gave them their buffet tickets. Dad caught my arm and whispered in my ear.

"You okay, kiddo?"

I nodded and smiled. "I'm okay."

He grinned up at me, still glowing with an expression of pride and love. "You look beautiful tonight, Bells."

That's my dad.

The night seemed to fly at a speed I could hardly keep up with. I had learned everyones names, talked with most of the kids and kept my eyes on the littlest ones who tended to wander from their chairs. When dinner and dessert were cleared, the kids got to meet the entire fire fighter squad. They'd brought the truck, but the weather had proven too cold to take the kids outside in. So instead, the group of gigantic men came thundering inside, along with the dalmatian puppy the squad had adopted. The kids went nuts. It was the coolest. Ever.

Emmett was incredible with the kids. I watched Rose just _glow_ as she saw him interact with each one, cracking jokes and making them giggle and laugh.

When it started to get late, nurses rallied together to bring the kids to their rooms and put them to bed. Emma's parents had arrived for dinner and both thanked me for spending time with her. She planted a big wet kiss on my cheek before following her nurse to the elevators.

The rest of the evening was for the adults and donors. The auction began and people were extremely generous. The Cullens had that effect on people. They just were so wonderful you wanted nothing more than to help make them happy. To be as generous as they were. And how could anyone not love seeing those kids happy faces?

I finally caught a bite to eat in the back lounge with Jake while the auction went on. Leah was sitting with her lawyer friends and Jake had been helping Jasper all night.

I could tell Jake had a little man crush on Jasper. He thought he was the coolest guy everrrrrrrr. I teased him about it, but I was actually truly happy to hear that Jake had found a dude to be good friends with.

The night ended with music and dancing, and the distribution of auction items to their respectable winners.

Edward's piece sold for $25,000.

I was beginning to find out that Edward's work wasn't just really good...it was really high end and in really high demand. Alice spilled that he'd sold pieces for much more. His signature on a piece was worth thousands alone. He didn't always sign his pieces, so if someone could get their hands on a signed Edward Masen piece...they had an extremely valuable painting in their possession. She'd told me this under her breath at lunch once. Edward didn't like to talk about money, and he hated when people knew about it, but Alice loved to brag about her brother. I could see how much she loved him. She was proud of him.

I was more and more shocked and amazed by him. And his modesty was something that only attracted me even more.

I was sad to see his work leave, but happy to see the benefit come to pediatrics. I wondered where he was tonight. If he was thinking about me. If he knew I would see it. What was he trying to tell me?

It was almost midnight by the time the guests began to leave.

Before Dad and Sue left, I introduced them to Carlisle and Esme, who treated them with all the love they had treated me with. I could tell my father really respected the Cullens. He mentioned to me later that he was glad I had friends like that around me. He worried often that I was by myself too much. I was happy the Cullens had put his mind at ease.

"Fantastic night, Bella." Dad said as I walked them to their car. "We are very proud of you. And your friends."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm so glad I got to see you tonight. I've missed you."

He gave me a hug and Sue gave me a kiss before they left. I stayed on the curb for just a few minutes after their tail lights had disappeared, taking deep breaths of cold air.

This night had been more emotional than I had expected, and I was trying to find some calm in the storm that was living in my head.

I thought I heard someone behind me, but when I turned around there was no one there.

I shivered as the wind whipped over my shoulders and through my hair. Looking around once more, I returned back inside.

I offered to help Alice to clean up and she quickly told me I was out of my mind.

"Are you kidding? You have done so much already. I only asked for flowers and you helped out the entire night. You were wonderful with those kids, Bella. Go home and get some rest, you look like you need it. We've got plenty of hands to help." she assured me.

I knew then that she had in fact noticed my quietness. She looked at me knowingly, as though she understood somehow that this night had drained me emotionally. She didn't push me to find out why, but some how, like her mother, she had that intuition.

I made my rounds to hug everyone goodbye. Esme held me with that extra long squeeze one more time before I left. I wanted to cry again. I felt like I was about to cry all damn night.

Jake and Leah didn't ask questions as we rode home in silence. Although, I did catch Jake eye balling me in the mirror. He knew me well. But exhaustion had taken all of us over and he let me be.

"Thanks so much for helping out tonight, you guys." I said as we pulled up to my curb.

"You were really wonderful."

"So were you, Bella." said Leah. She was searching my face, a tint of concern in her eyes. "You did a really beautiful job."

"They were just flowers." I said.

"I wasn't just talking about the flowers." she smiled. "Get some rest, B."

I waved to them both from the sidewalk as they drove away. Sliding my key into the lock I found relief washed over me as I stepped inside. No longer in front of anyone to pretend for, alone now behind my front door, I cried.

I wept. The shuddering, chest heaving sobs. Like something had been building a force inside me, big enough to break a damn of emotions I had been keeping to myself for too long. Memories of the fear and the helplessness of being sick, the not knowing, the constant struggle, the endless waiting. The idea that nothing was forever, tomorrow wasn't promised. It wasn't all painful, but it was all bittersweet to me. I hadn't realized how tonight would affect me.

When I was all cried out, I wiped my face and marched slowly up the stairs, trying to catch my breath. My apartment was warm despite it's emptiness. I let the feeling of heat tingle up through my limbs. I decided tonight was a good night for a bath.

Hot water, steam, haziness, sleepy eyes. Calm. More tears. Thank you's to whoever was out there watching over me. A silent prayer for each kid I met tonight...their families, the Cullens, my Dad, Sue...

...and Edward. More than ever before...Edward.

When I slipped into bed that night, I surrounded myself in warm fleece and breathed in the comforting scent of my cotton pillow case. My head was full, my heart was too. But I couldn't do anything about it right now. I could only live one day at a time. I could only hope that maybe I would start to realize why I was still here. What my purpose was.

And if Edward was part of that.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi everybody! Hope you enjoy a little Edward pov. Please review! The more feedback I can get, the better and the faster I can write my chapters for you! I appreciate it so much. Have a lovely day :)**

"Alice, I'm not going to the fucking hospital tonight, I don't care how pretty you made it. I told you I'd give you a piece for the auction, but I'm not going."

"Are you sureeee?"

"Yes, for the thousandth time, I'm sure." I sighed, exasperated.

"I'm sorry, Edward...I had to try. It's just such a great event I thought maybe it might change your mind about hospitals. Maybe it would be good for you to see them in a new light."

I let out a slow breath, willing myself to calm down a bit. I was trying hard to be more aware of my tone of voice.

"Mom has the piece, Al. She'll bring it with the other auction items, okay?"

"Okay. I'll be thinking of you, Edward. We miss you ya know..."

"I know...I miss you too." I replied quietly.

I hung up the phone, and pinched the bridge of my nose, willing away a headache. It had been a long two weeks. I had dug myself into a pretty deep hole of self loathing recently and some how I wasn't finding my way out of it. I think I knew deep down it was my own cowardice that kept me here. But I was just...ashamed.

I'd ruined things with Bella. Big time.

The day she left me at the diner, I'd spent the rest of it pacing around my cottage angrily, trying to figure out what to do. I couldn't figure out whether or not to go after her, what I'd say, or if she'd even want to deal with me. A loud, dark, resounding part of me insisted she was better off without having to tolerate me and the baggage I clearly carried. Usually I was good at hiding that, but with Bella, I couldn't just pretend to be another person or have my shit together...she made me more vulnerable than I'd felt in a long time. She was unpredictable, curious, and already so deep under my skin.

I hated it. So much. It made me feel weak. Exposed. Raw.

But I wanted it too.

As that day at the diner had stretched on, the more time passed, the more I felt it was too late. Time had made my decision for me. I wasn't fucking happy with it, but I felt stuck. I let it all fall out of my hands.

But ever since then, I'd put myself through the ringer. I worked ceaselessly on the new collection for a gallery show in Seattle. I hadn't slept much, or eaten very well. I could not get Bella out of my mind. She showed up everywhere. On my canvas, in my dreams...I couldn't escape her. I'd had a few panic attacks as well - something that I hadn't happened quite so frequently in a while. The lack of sleep didn't help. When I did finally get in bed, I'd take a heavy dose of my meds to knock me out. It left me feeling like shit the next day, but it was the only way I could get myself to sleep for more than just a few consecutive hours.

I looked like utter crap. I hadn't shaved, the rings under my eyes had darkened. I was pale.

I thought I was starting to lose my mind up until Esme came to visit me about two days ago. As soon as I saw her I just deflated completely.

Her eyes fell on me as I opened the door and I could see the concern fill her expression. She didn't waste a minute before she was hugging me, checking my temperature and herding me into the kitchen.

Esme had this quiet, knowing way about her. She didn't ask me a million questions or bombard me with useless conversation to fill the quiet in my house. She simply sat me down at the kitchen island, wrapped an afghan from my couch around me and went about fixing us something to eat.

I felt so ashamed as I watched this woman care for me, as she always did. Unwavering compassion - that was Esme. As I had for the past two weeks, I replayed the awful things I had said to Bella, only imagining how disappointed Esme would be in me if she knew. I'd been a royal asshole.

I didn't have a ton of groceries in the house, but she managed to make something delicious out of what I had as usual. It ended up being some soup and grilled cheese. I could never make anything taste half as good as Esme's cooking. I felt like I was eating real food for the first time in months.

She sat across from me while we ate. We were silent for quite some time. I could feel her observing me closely, and when I heard her clear her throat, I knew that now she was ready to let me have it.

"This isn't healthy, Edward. You've got to take better care of yourself." she sighed. "I know how you get, tucked away in your work...but you have to sleep more. I can see it in your eyes."

I nodded, unable to argue with her.

"Is something else going on?"

I shrugged, not sure if I wanted to launch in to the story, let alone embarrass myself. I didn't want to tell her badly I'd fucked up with Bella.

"Is it...a girl?"

I took a bite of my grilled cheese and tried not to react. There was no fooling Esme.

"Is it Bella?"

I almost choked on the bite in my mouth. I inhaled a bit of bread crumbs and found myself coughing into a napkin, annoyed as I looked to see Esme simply smiling.

"How do you do that?" I asked once my throat had cleared.

"It's a woman's intuition." she replied. "That, and there are couple sketches of her lying on your coffee table in the living room."

She winked at me. I felt my face get hot. It was equal parts embarrassment and annoyance that I'd been figured out.

"You're really taken with her, aren't you?

"It doesn't matter. She probably hates my guts now."

"What? Why?"

"Are you kidding, Ma? Everyone knows I'm an ornery piece of shit half the time. It was inevitable that I'd fuck it up."

"Language."

"Sorry."

She took a deep breath, a sigh that was filled with sadness.

"Edward...when are you going to let yourself live again?"

I rolled my eyes instinctively. Esme had said this to me before, but it didn't mean anything to me then. But now that I'd met Bella...I knew she was right. I wasn't really living.

"Esme...it's just..."

"It's hard." she finished for me. "Guess what kiddo...this is life. It's going to be hard. I know you're still in a lot of pain. But if you want to move forward, to live the life your mother dreamed for you...you can't keep carrying this."

She had knocked the wind out of me with that. The life my mother dreamed for me...

"She wouldn't want you to be alone, Edward. To be angry, and cold. To shut out people who love you. Or to cut off even the possibility of love."

I felt my blood boiling under my skin. My head hurt.

"But it's because of ME she's dead! Goddamn...don't you get that? She should be here and because of me she's not! Because of ME..." I shouted. My voice rattled out the last words and a fresh wave of pain and regret washed over me.

"And that night on the balcony...What I did...he just - " I couldn't finish. I couldn't say it out loud. That night, after I came home from the hospital. After they told me she was dead...

I was a monster. But I had learned from the best. And I had punished him.

Hot tears pricked my eyes. I bit down on my lip, refusing to break completely.

Esme sat before me unwavering. Normally when I had one of my melt downs, she took the role of the comforter. You could see the empathy in her eyes. The sadness she felt for me and the helplessness that came with it. She'd tell me it wasn't my fault, she'd say what she could to get me to calm down.

But today, that Esme wasn't here.

I felt myself stiffen as I found her eyes. They looked hard, set, determined...even a little pissed. I'd never seen Esme pissed. Even when I was a complete dick she'd never gotten pissed with me.

When she finally spoke, her voice was calm but steely.

"Edward Masen, that is a lie you've been telling yourself since the first day he hit her. Ever since you were little you've been blaming yourself. Her death was just another moral debt you've made up for yourself. Your father was not well. Even if you wanted to make sense of his behavior, you couldn't. That night on the balcony...it wasn't your fault either. He was sick. You were angry. You'd lost so much. You were sixteen, Edward. Sixteen!"

It became quiet. The only sound was our ragged breathing, both of us exasperated in a sense. This had never been easy for me to talk about.

"You have GOT to stop punishing yourself. 9 years ago you were a different boy. Now you need to be the man I know Elizabeth raised you to be. Carlisle and I would be happy to pay for more therapy...you've been away from it for a while."

"I don't want to talk to some fucking shrink..."

"Well you need to talk to someone about it." she said, her voice laced with a suggestion.

"Who, Bella? I think I've already fucked that over enough. And what would she think of me? She already thinks I'm an asshole, I don't need to add murderer to the list of my shining qualities."

"Shame on you, Edward." she scolded. "You assume too much about Bella. You won't even give her a chance to get close to you because you are so sure you already know what she thinks. Give the woman her right to think for herself! I have a feeling she'd surprise you. I don't know her whole story yet, but I do know that she's special. She has an old soul. Whatever she's been through...don't be so quick to write her off. She hasn't done that to you - despite your behavior."

I exhaled shakily. She was right. Even at the diner, she'd still left me her number. A life line so to speak.

Esme's eyes softened as she looked at me.

"There's this thing about good people, Edward. No matter what, you just can't give up on a good person. Have you noticed that none of us have given up on you? Not even Bella, who has only just met you. You aren't a murderer, you aren't a monster, you aren't a bad person. If that is who you truly were, would we still be here? Loving you? Helping you? People make mistakes - we ALL do. But our flaws do not make up who we are. You are letting you past define you." she paused for a moment.

"Maybe if you allow yourself a small bit of happiness...love, even. Maybe you will realize that the future is hopeful and start moving towards it. I'm not saying that its easy, or that you won't feel pain. But you need to give yourself a chance. You owe that to not only yourself, but your mother. And even your father. He was sick, but I believed...and I still do believe that he loved you."

A lump formed in my throat and I winced.

"He did. Before things went wrong, before he lost it...you were his pride and joy. Pain can do immeasurable things to the mind, Edward. If you wallow in it long enough, it will consume you. It consumed him. Don't let it happen to you too. You are NOT your father."

I felt hot wetness streak down both of my cheeks. Esme's eyes with full and glassy, but her gaze was filled with conviction. She needed me to hear this.

She rose from her seat at the table and came around to where I sat on my stool. Her arms wrapped tightly around my head and shoulders, pulling me into her. I held on to her tightly, letting myself break.

Just fucking break.

She never let go of me. As my shoulders shook with sobs that I'd withheld for far too long, she kissed my head, rocking me slightly.

"It's okay...it's okay..." she whispered. I could feel her emotions welling up just as mine were. But she was a pillar of strength. Though her eyes were wet when I pulled away, she did not cry out.

When I felt myself begin to calm down, I sucked in deep breaths of air. I wiped my swollen eyes and gave Esme a weak smile.

"There's my boy." she said, cupping my cheek lovingly. "Now, tell me what happened with your girl."

I had to laugh out loud at that. Her curiosity and timing were humorous and admittedly kind of adorable. I knew Esme really liked Bella. I reluctantly told her about Bella returning my wallet, and the disastrous breakfast the next day.

She winced as I told her the awful things I'd said, but I could tell she knew my remorse.

"So, it's been almost two weeks since you've seen or talked to her?"

I nodded, embarrassed.

"I just...I just don't know what to do. How to fix it. I don't know..."

"Well, you could start with an apology." she said, raising an eye brow at me. "Did you know she'll be at the benefit? Alice asked her to do the arrangements."

"I told Alice I wasn't going. It's just...you know hospitals are hard for me."

"Perhaps this is the first thing you can challenge yourself with. It's time to move forward, baby. Maybe this can be your first baby step in the right direction. I'll let you take it at your own pace, it's just a suggestion."

I mulled it over in my head, but didn't speak further on the subject.

"Come, let's see what you've got for the auction." Esme said, successfully changing the subject and relieving the pressure I was feeling.

I brought her upstairs. Esme was one of the few people I let see my work. She had been the one to get me started after all. It still made me nervous. As soon as we got to the studio door I could feel my ears turning red. I had quite a few pieces done - several of which were unmistakably Bella Swan.

"_Oh_..." I heard Esme whisper. "Edward...these are beautiful."

I was beginning to get uncomfortable. I didn't usually show up to my own gallery shows because I was always crazy nervous seeing people observe my work. I'd deliver my pieces and leave, letting Mac handle the technicals.

"Uh... yeah. Well, I - I, uh...I gotta let Bosley out. You can go ahead and pick whichever one you want."

I raked my hands through my hair nervously as I went down the stairs, leaving Esme to pick the piece. Bosley had been napping by the fire, but immediately perked up when he saw me.

I threw on a flannel and stepped out onto the porch, whistling once for him.

I watched his tail wag as he marched down the steps and disappeared into the woods a bit. The cold air was slicing through my head. I needed to sleep. My eyes were feeling tight, swollen.

I sat down on the swing, hissing as I felt my ass begin to freeze. Some how though, the cold calmed me down. Focused me.

I knew I wanted Bella. Could I really do this? ...Try? Would she want me back?

My mind wandered to Esme's words. To the life my mother would have wanted me to live. To my fucked up father... how could he have ever loved me?

You don't love someone like that.

You don't love someone by beating them with a cotton sock filled with iron nails.

I winced at the memory but was pulled to the present by the swinging front door. Esme had her coat and shoes on, and a neatly wrapped painting in her hand. She walked over to me and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek.

"Thank you, Edward." she said genuinely. "I hope I see you there. One step at a time okay? You're going to be alright."

She ran her thumb down my cheek once before leaving the porch and heading around to my side driveway.

I whistled once for Bosley and headed inside, shivering a little with the cold. I started a fire in my fire place and then burrowed into the couch. Bosley joined me, cuddling up close. My eyes felt heavy and my mind begged for peace I felt like I was always chasing.

It wasn't long before I was fast asleep. No dreams, no nightmares, just quiet.

That was two days ago. Tonight was the benefit.

I wasn't going. I wasn't. I just told Alice I wouldn't, again. I had been seriously considering Esme's challenge to me...but the anxiety that came with it was overwhelming.

I had talked myself into out and out of it about a million times today.

Not only was I extremely hesitant to go to a hospital, I also knew Bella would be there. That alone scared the shit out of me. I didn't want to ruin her night. Or anyone's night. I didn't want to fuck this up again, even though I knew my stupid ass would probably find a way any how.

It was getting dark out and I knew the event would start soon.

Maybe I'd go late. Maybe I'd just catch the end. Maybe it would just be better to stay home.

This is fucking ridiculous.

I let the clock run down. My keys were in my hand, then on the counter, then I hung them back up, then I grabbed them again, fiddling with them in my fingers.

The sky got darker. I knew that the benefit was well into motion by now.

Why bother?

This is stupid.

Just go.

I can't.

You have to.

I found stupid little things to do around the house. Anything to justify staying home. I cleaned my studio, I made my bed. I threw in a load of laundry. I even organized my fridge.

What the fuck...

It was now around eleven. I was running out of time, the benefit was almost over.

Go.

Just fucking be a man and go.

I let out a growl as I grabbed my jacket and stormed out the front door. Locking it behind me, I practically ran to the car, forcing myself to get in it before I changed my mind.

"Goddammit Goddammit _Goddammit_..." I muttered, speeding off into the night toward Riverdale Memorial Hospital.

I knew Riverdale was nothing like St. Mary's in Forks, but hospitals in general put me on the edge. I struggled to even go to the local clinic for a physical. When I got sick, I downed my vitamins and cough medicine to drown out the illness. I'd rather suffer at home than sit in a doctor's office.

I was not looking forward to this.

Would Bella really be there? It was late...did she go home already? Maybe she was tired. Or maybe she decided not to go...

The drive felt like hours. So many times I thought about turning around. I just had to put myself on autopilot to get there.

Stop thinking, Edward.

When I arrived, I pulled into the parking garage, noticing as people began filtering out the doors. Everyone was well dressed, happy, holding hands as they searched for their cars in the garage. Their voices echoed against the concrete.

I parked my car across the from the entrance, watching a few groups of people leave before finding the courage to get out of the car.

I watched my breath turn into a frosty cloud in front of me as I walked towards the entrance doors, passing by concrete columns as I went.

I froze when I saw Bella's face appear, coming out of the glass entrance. Two people were with her, an older man and woman. I regarded her face carefully. She looked...she looked tired, she looked like she might cry. Her smile was a weak one. I came closer along the side of the side entrance. But I couldn't let her see me. I stayed behind a concrete pillar, listening for her voice and feeling like a coward.

I tuned my ears in closer to the sounds coming from the door. It was like I just needed to hear her. Was she okay? Did these last two weeks exhaust her as they had me?

I realized in that moment that I missed her. I'd only just begun to know her...and I had missed her.

Did she...did she miss me?

"Fantastic night, Bella." came the voice of the older man she was with. "We are very proud of you. And your friends."

"Thanks, Dad. I'm so glad I got to see you tonight. I've missed you."

Her voice sounded exhausted, sad. So these were her parents? I peaked around the corner to get a look. Her father's back was to me, but I could see the other woman. She didn't look like Bella's mother. She had darker skin and hair, her features completely different.

I watched them embrace each other before the couple left, walking to the other side of the garage. I listened for Bella, waiting to hear foot steps and the door, signaling she had gone inside. Instead I heard nothing. Just a deep breath.

When the silence continued, my curiosity became too much. I looked around the pillar again. Bella's back was to me now, she was watching her parent's car disappear.

I took a moment to notice the little dress she was wearing. She was a little thing, really. But the subtle feminine curve in her body was unmistakeable and undeniably sexy. Even spent, she looked like a painting.

I saw her shoulders rise and fall as if she were taking her time, breathing in just I had done so many times today, trying to calm down.

I barely had time to duck behind the pillar again as her head turned, looking behind her. I didn't think she had seen me, but I held my breath just in case.

When I heard her shoes click and the door swing and shut, I let that breath out.

I was wound tight.

I stood out in the cold only for a few more minutes, trying to amp myself up to go inside. To test myself. Just go inside and then leave, that's it.

That would be my fucking baby step for the day and then I'd go the hell home. And beyond that, I wanted to see Bella again. Seeing her was driving me to go inside.

I pulled my hood up over my head, hoping that I could see her without her seeing me.

Just get in, and then get out.

The horrid, chemical, sterile smell I was expecting to hit me in the face as I walked in the door, never came.

Instead it smelled fucking delicious. I followed the smell, getting through the lobby and to the cafeteria doors. I stayed close to the walls, trying to disappear impossibly under the fluorescent lobby lights.

Slowly, the tell tale characteristics of hospitals appeared. The damn pale blue color on the wall...the glass reception desk...scrubs. Someone crying loudly down the hall.

I hated this. Where the fuck was this shindig anyway...?

The smell of catered food became stronger as I followed the signs to the cafeteria. The double doors were closed, but they each had a galley window to see through. I decided I'd scope out the scene before trying to go inside.

I lifted my face to the small square glass panel.

I had to admit I was impressed. Alice had outdone herself. The place looked amazing.

My breath caught in my throat as my eyes found Bella, her back turned towards me, buried in Esme's arms. Esme held a loving look on her face, a comforting air, just as she had with me only days ago.

Then, as if she knew I was there, Esme's eyes met mine, her arms still surrounding Bella.

Her eyes widened just slightly at the sight of me and she smiled.

She used her pointer fingers to gesture me to her. Instinctively I shook my head no. I couldn't...I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to talk to Bella and it looked like she wasn't in any shape to deal with me and my bullshit tonight.

Esme closed her eyes once in understanding. Her mouth formed silent words to me I knew Bella couldn't hear.

"I'm so proud of you, Edward."

I felt the lump in my throat return. I nodded once at her and waved before booking it out of there.

I went past the lobby again, trying not to freak as I saw a few patients being walked by nurses, IV bags swaying from their rolling stands.

The lights. The damn lights. I hate fluorescents.

I shot out of the entrance and back into the parking garage, moving quickly to my car. Once I had whipped the door open and jumped inside, I rested my head against the steering wheel, trying to catch my breath.

Don't panic, don't panic.

Breathe.

There was a silence that enveloped me in my car, allowing only the sound of my ragged breathing to fill it. I focused on my lungs, inhaling, exhaling, the feel of the cold steering wheel against my clammy forehead.

It was a good ten minutes before my breathing was anywhere close to normal. I was pulled from my daze by the sound of car doors opening and closing.

Across the way from me, I watched Bella climb into Jake's truck alongside another young woman. Tall, then, olive skin, features similar to Jake's. She might be from the Res.

Before I knew it, I was following the truck back into town, keeping a safe distance. My curiosity was going to get me in trouble. But I wanted to know that Bella got home okay. I wanted to talk to her. To apologize. Or just hide in my car some more.

Goddamn I'm such a creep.

I turned my lights off as our cars came to Bella's street, parking on the corner on the opposite side of the street, away from their vehicle. I watched Bella's petite little frame appear from the truck, turning to say a few words and say good bye.

I let my car roll up slowly when Jake's truck disappeared, watching her open her door and step inside. I expected to watch her disappear up her stairs and into the dark, but she didn't. I held my breath as I watched her, wondering why she didn't leave the front of the shop.

Her back was pressed against the glass shop window of her front door. I saw her hand come to her face and couldn't figure out what she was doing. Was she tired? Was she sick again like that night at Eclipse? I unbuckled my seat belt reflexively, unsure if I should see if she was alright.

I didn't realize until I saw her shoulders trembling that she was crying. She was crying hard.

It was almost a complete shock to me to see her so upset. She'd been the most light hearted person I'd met. Kind, funny, assertive, understanding. Even when she had to deal with me, she was still solid. Stable. Firm.

But it was clear to me now that Bella could be just as haunted as I was. I wanted so badly to know what had happened to her. What illness plagued her as a child. I wanted to know what had made her cry tonight.

But if I was honest, what I really wanted right now was to hold her. I could do that couldn't I? I could be there for someone.

Bella made me want to do that. To be the one she could depend on.

But I couldn't move. My hand was frozen on the door handle, watching her tremble and cry behind her glass door. I wouldn't bring her any peace tonight. Not with the way things were left between us. I had to fix things first. And tonight was not the night to bring Bella anymore stress.

And if I was honest, I knew tonight had been fucking rough on my nerves. I wasn't in the right place to do anything tonight.

But my chest hurt as I watched her. I wanted to make it right.

I watched her until she finally shut her lights off and disappeared up the stairs. I let out a long breath, hearing the sound of it rattle in the silence of my car.

I closed my eyes for a minute and pretended. I wasn't me. I was...better. And Bella loved me. And this new me would have been waiting for her tonight when she got home. I would have wrapped myself around her. I would know how to comfort. How to trust. How to be what she needed.

She was alone. She was sad and she was alone and I wanted her near me.

I raked my hands through my hair and felt my frustration itch beneath my skin.

Esme's words rang in my mind. Maybe I could do this. I could try to live again. Really live.

I saw her apartment windows light up and knew Bella was safe upstairs. I needed to go home. I needed to think. I needed to sleep.

I was numb most of the ride home. I walked through my front door like a damn zombie, only attentive enough to say hello to my dog and then drag myself upstairs.

Luckily, I fell asleep without too much struggle. My body and my mind were worn out from my anxieties. But as I laid back into the cotton sheets, the last thought on my mind was Bella, and the one lingering hope that tomorrow would be a new day. For both of us.

**Bear with me guys! We'll see some progress next chapter and our two love birds will get some face time I promise :) Review and I'll get it to you as fast as I can!**


	11. Chapter 11

**So****sorry****about****the****delay,****friends.****I****literally****just****finished****my****college****career****this****morning.****Amazing****to****finally****be****done!****Hope****you****forgive****me****for****my****lateness.****I****made****this****chapter****a****little****longer****to****make****up****for****it!****Enjoy** :)

"Jake, you can't live on pop tarts. Put at least five of those boxes back." I laughed wearily, looking at his giant puppy eyes.

"But Bella, they have crazy ass flavors now. Ice cream sundae? For breakfast? You really want me to put that back? That shit is gold..." he defended, eyeing the assortment of pop tart boxes in his shopping cart.

He'd called me this morning complaining that Leah wasn't home and there was nothing to eat. He had a habit of turning into a whining three year old when he wasn't fed.

His phone call had woken me from a deep sleep. My eyes were stilly a little puffy from my melt down last night. My sleep had been restless. I couldn't remember most of what I'd dreamt, but Edward was there. I'd felt him.

When I woke my eyes started to brim again, mad at myself that I'd let him get so deep under my skin. Mad that any happiness between the two of us that I'd seen in my dreams was not real. It wasn't real. The emptiness in my apartment had overwhelmed me when I woke, driving home the point that I really was alone. Jake's phone call, however early it may have been, was welcomed. I needed to get out, I needed to be with people. I needed to not be thinking.

I told Jake if he drove me to the grocery store I'd help him shop. I'd needed to stock up on a few things anyway.

My mood had lightened as soon as I hopped in his truck. The two of us called Angela on speaker phone to say hello. The sound of her voice coming through my cell phone immediately made me feel even better. Her and Jake had a witty banter between them that had me laughing in no time. When we said goodbye I thought to myself, get a grip, Bella. No one is more blessed than you. Stop complaining about things you don't have.

From then on, I'd been determined to be okay today. That was something I could manage. Right?

And here we were. Two silver carts, one me, and one over sized grumpy bear of a human being.

...And eight boxes of pop tarts in said bear's cart.

I rolled my eyes and led him over to the frozen section. Leah usually didn't get home until late and Jake would burn down the house if he tried to actually cook himself a meal that wasn't microwaveable. I felt for Jake, I really did. Not only was it Leah's first year at her new firm, but she was the youngest there, which meant she had to work extra hard to earn her reputation. I knew Jake missed her when she pulled late nighters - which was often - but he was as understanding as he could be, knowing this job meant everything to Leah and to their future. He often brought her lunch at work, trying to squeeze in extra time with her.

Being close to both of them I'd learned how much work goes into a relationship. Especially one with this kind of strain on it. Jake was trying so hard to give Leah the space she needed to succeed at her job, while missing her like crazy and trying not to make her feel guilty about being away so much. Leah was trying hard to do well but also to keep Jake her priority, afraid he would leave if she couldn't find a balance. They struggled through it just like any other couple but when it came down to it, the two of them would be lost without each other. If they could just get through her first year, the worst would be over. The finish line was in sight. January was only less than a month away. Come new years, I was convinced that Jake would be calling me to help him shop for a ring.

He was a good man. Although, at the moment, he was being a giant baby.

"I've been reduced to hungry man meals. Awesome." he groaned from beside me.

"Well, you are a man. And you are hungry. This is a logical decision." I winked, leaving him to decide for himself which frozen gourmet selections he'd like.

I wheeled my cart over to produce, loading up on fresh vegetables and fruit. I had a few recipes in mind to try out. I stocked up on whole grain bread and salmon, some almonds and some soy milk. I knew I looked like a health freak...but I knew better than most how much love and care a human body really needed.

That didn't mean I didn't enjoy things. My guilty pleasure was baking. I ate very well, and worked out almost everyday, but I wasn't about to deprive myself from enjoying a piece of perfectly moist chocolate cake. Life is short, after all. Didn't I know it.

Most of the time I didn't have many sweets in the house, but when the weekend came - it was time to bake. Especially when the weather turned colder. Today, being saturday, I wanted to find something especially delicious to make. I figured I'd send Jake home with some goodies and maybe even stop by Alice's house to drop off something sweet. She'd worked so hard last night at the benefit.

I picked up the items I needed and moved my now full cart towards the sound of the man child I came with.

"Bella! Bella! Come here!"

"I'm sorry, were you actually calling for me or just pretending to be a megaphone?"

"Shut up...look at this cart. How great did I do?" he looked at me smugly.

I looked down at his cart. Three boxes of pop tarts, two packages of Keebler cookies, about a dozen hungry man dinners, four frozen pizzas, a bag of chicken wings, a case of Red Bull and one singular bag of salad.

I snorted.

"What...I got salad."

I didn't even bother giving him shit about it, I just laughed and made my way to the registers. Leah would have fun with this when she got home.

Boys.

Jake helped me bring my groceries in from the cold when we returned to my building. It was just after Thanksgiving time now. I'd spent the holiday with Charlie and Sue back in Forks before the benefit. It was good to spend time together, but Thanksgiving had never been a huge holiday in my family. We were familiar with gratitude in ways that most weren't. That wasn't to say we were more thankful than other people. We had just realized earlier on that thanksgiving was everyday when you had a second chance at life. The actual holiday was basically for football and over-eating. Both of which I enjoyed in my father's living room before driving home to Riverdale. October and November had flown by, and now it was almost the very beginning of December. I couldn't believe it.

"Bells...are you gonna bake? Cause I don't think I'm leaving if you are going to bake." Jake said point blank.

I looked to see the cupcake ingredients in his hands while I was putting groceries away. He'd figured me out. I laughed and promised him some to bring home.

I was feeling rather numb this morning. The heaviness of last night had left my shoulders, but still lingered in my mind. Last night the hospital had overwhelmed me with as much guilt as gratitude. And it opened my eyes to the life I had in front of me now. This second chance. Was I to spend it alone? I hadn't realized how badly I'd needed to cry. It had been good for me as much as it had hurt. I needed to stop thinking about things that were out of my control right now and instead, focus on the things I could.

Like making the perfect cream cheese frosting for my pumpkin vanilla spice cupcakes.

Jake and I caught up while I worked in the kitchen. He was exactly what I needed. He told me hysterical stories about the guys at his garage. He was playful and happy. He had me in tears laughing. I felt the raw and tender part of me start to heal over a little bit at a time.

We watched Family Guy while my little apartment grew warm and cozy with the heat of the oven, filling it with the perfect seasonal smell of baking pumpkin. Not bad for a saturday morning.

Just as I was putting the last of the frosted cupcakes in a box for Jake, he got a call from the garage. He gave me an apologetic look, but I waved him off. It was alright. I couldn't expect him to spend all day with me. I was sad to see him go, but the sadness was quickly replaced with giggling at the sight of his face as I placed a warm bakery box in his hands. He lit up like a kid on Christmas. With a kiss on my forehead and about a million cupcake thank you's, Jake headed out.

I returned to my kitchen table, mixing another batch of batter to make another round of cupcakes. I grabbed a bakery box for Alice and Jasper, Rose and Emmett, and Carlisle and Esme too. They were on my mind today. I knew they were all wonderful people to begin with, but last night I'd seen even more of how beautiful and generous they all really were. They had put in a lot of work to make last night spectacular And it really was. They made me want to be a better, more giving person. If anyone deserved something sweet today, it was them.

I paused for a second, pulling out one more box.

_Edward._

Well this is just silly.

I took a good few minutes to seriously contemplate delivering some cupcakes to him. I mean, cupcakes are pretty harmless. But then again...

No. No, Bella. He hasn't tried to contact you in weeks, he doesn't want your stupid cupcakes.

My ears perked at the sound of foot steps coming from outside my door, up the stairs. It was probably Jake. He was always begging for seconds when it came to baked goods. That box of cupcakes was probably already half gone...

A knock sounded at my door. I rolled my eyes as I went to open it.

"Jake, I gave you at least a dozen cup-" I started, already smiling at who I expected to be my goofball best friend.

But it wasn't him. I swallowed the words in my throat and froze. My fists were white knuckled around the door knob.

"Bella."

I was completely and utterly shocked, but I was staring into the dark green eyes that belonged to one, Edward Masen.

I knew I should probably say words. Something like 'hello' would have worked, but I was stunned to silence.

Edward looked beautiful as ever. I was beginning to really love his paint smattered work boots. He was dressed for the increasingly cold weather: jeans, flannel, a brown, beaten leather jacket, and a thick wool cowl wrapped around his neck. I studied his face. He looked uncomfortable as he stared back at me. I realized as he swallowed and cleared his throat once that he was nervous.

Nervous Edward was one I had yet to really experience.

"I, uh... I'm sorry I didn't call...uh...Jake let me in, I hope you don't mind..." he started to ramble a little, focusing his eyes on the door jam, then the floor, then me, then the floor once more.

I didn't really know what to say. All I knew was that my heart was in my throat at the mere sight of him standing in my door way. I had given up on a moment like this about a week ago. And now, here he was.

My head dipped a little as I moved out of the door way, hiding behind it just a little in order to silently invite him in.

I felt him hesitate only for a breath before coming inside.

Still no words came to me. I didn't know why he was here. I was finding it hard to breathe normally.

"It smells amazing in here..." he observed. He fidgeted a little, one hand in his pocket and the other playing with the zipper on the end of his jacket.

"Pumpkin vanilla spice cupcakes." I explained quietly.

He nodded once and it became quiet between us.

The silence was just about to become too much when he finally spoke.

"Um, so I noticed when I was driving by that the brick facade under your front shop window is kind of falling apart."

Really? That's what you came to say?

"Oh-w-well thanks for telling me. It's an old building, I guess it was bound to happen. I'll call someone about fixing it." I said, breathing out a sigh of disappointment. I didn't understand this. Why did he come here?

"I could do it for you." he said quickly. "I'm good at fixing things sometimes. I came in to see if you'd let me fix it."

My eyes widened in surprise. I tried to hide it and stay cool, but I had no idea what Edward was up to.

"You don't have to do that, Edward..." I started to say.

"Let me?" I finally locked eyes with him to see a pleading look on his face.

"Edward..."

With that, he let out a frustrated breath and took a step towards me.

"Please, Bella? Look, I know I'm an asshole okay? And I'm not good at this...I'm not good at apologizing...I know this is fucking dumb, I just -" he let out a sigh and said with a lowered voice. "Let me do this for you."

I blinked a few times as I looked at him. He was determined to do this. It was clear in his eyes. It was his way of making things right.

I was still uncomfortable letting him work on my building. Although I knew this was his way of apologizing, I didn't like letting people do things for me without something in return.

I studied him closely before answering.

"Okay." He visibly relaxed. "But I'll pay you for it." I said.

"Oh get off it, Bella." he brushed off my offer.

"Really, I will!"

"No." he responded, almost coldly.

He started to zip up his jacket and head towards my door. He was half way out to the stairs.

"At least let me feed you?" I offered, knowing that food was something I could definitely give.

He paused in the door way, turning to look back at me. He gave me a small nod and a crooked grin.

"I'll start Monday... if that's okay?" he asked shyly.

"Okay. Shop opens at 11 and closes at 5. Come by any time, really...it doesn't matter when..."

Stop talking, Bella. I could feel my cheeks grow pink. I was trying hard not to smile, to stay firm and make him work for my trust again. But my heart was swelling at the fact that he was even here...and that he would be here again...

I managed to keep my grin under wraps as I walked to the door way to see him off. In seconds my breath caught in my throat as Edward turned around quickly and took a step towards me. Now he was much closer to me, looking down into my eyes.

He stared at me for a moment, studying my face carefully. I was frozen in his gaze, breath held.

He finally put his head down, looking at the floor. Our noses were only about 6 inches away. When he spoke, his voice was so soft I almost didn't hear him.

"I'm sorry for the things I said, Bella. They were awful and I didn't mean them."

Though it was just two short sentences, and only a sound carried by his breath, when his eyes met mine again I could see I was getting the most genuine and sincere apology he could give. He looked like a lost boy. I softened a little, nodding once.

"I know." I said.

He gave me a weak, crooked smile and nodded his goodbye before disappearing down my stairs.

I stood frozen in my doorway until I heard the sound of his car leaving the curb outside. For all the moping I'd done the past few weeks, one good moment with Edward had me completely lifted. It frightened me only for a moment as I realized my happiness had become tied to him so quickly. But I couldn't find it in me to think about it for long. All I knew was that Monday I'd be seeing him again.

It'd taken him some time...but Edward came back. He came to find me.

I spent the rest of my saturday afternoon baking the last of the cupcakes and delivering them to the Cullens. I found myself smiling while I frosted and packaged, while I drove to Alice's house, to Esme's, to Rosalie's. They too, noticed my happy demeanor. Though they didn't ask, I knew Esme especially didn't need too. Being the closest to Edward besides Alice, she gave me a knowing look when she observed my smile. I couldn't help it. She gushed over my cupcakes, genuinely surprised to see me on her door step. I got another one of her famous hugs and wished them a happy weekend.

I spent Saturday night trying to figure out what to cook for Edward, what he would like best. I wanted badly to impress him.

Sunday seemed to drag by, leaving me bored out of my mind and searching for idle tasks to fill the time. By the time the sun set, my apartment was spotless, all my laundry was done, my shop was spic and span, my orders for the week were finished and I was strung out. I finally settled on bundling up for a run to work out my anxieties. It was the only thing that wore me out enough to sleep. After a solid hour of running, I came home, took a hot shower and fell asleep early at around nine.

When Monday morning came, I was up before my alarm. I spent much longer than usual finding something to wear, pulling out clothes from my closet in frustration. I wished Angela was with me. She'd know the perfect thing to wear. She always did.

I grabbed the phone and dialed her number. She answered on the third ring.

"Bewwa?" she answered. I could tell by the slurp noise she made after she said my name that there was most definitely a giant bite of food in her mouth.

"Swallow, Ang."

"I always do."

"You dirty..."

"Har har har. What's up?"

"Edward's coming over today. I have no idea what to wear..."

"Whoa whoa whoa. He's coming over? He made contact!"

"Yeah, he did. He came over yesterday and offered to fix up the front of my shop. He was trying to apologize..."

"Okay. I think you need to rewind and catch me the hell up. How did I not know about this!"

I spent about 10 minutes filling her in on everything that had happened. The night at his house, the diner, the weeks in between, the painting, then his arrival on my doorstep on Saturday.

"Well shit." I heard Angela take a deep breath as I finished. "Light wash skinny jeans, the vintage floral tee shirt, your yellow flats, purple cardigan anddddddd your bicycle necklace. Leave your hair down."

"Thank you. This is why you're my best friend." I said.

"And Bella...make him work for this okay? I know you. You're too nice for your own good sometimes. I'm proud of you for standing up to him at the diner. Make sure you stay on your toes. I don't know if I trust this guy yet."

"I know, Ang. I will. Oh how's Garrett by the way? When are you coming back?"

"I think in about two weeks I'll be back to see him. We've been talking non-stop since I left. I have a webcam date with him tonight. It sucks compared to the real thing but I'll take what I can get."

"Sounds like this one is special."

"You know, he really is. I have a good feeling about him, Bells."

"Well so do I. Especially if it means you'll be here more often! I hope he can share you with me."

"Hahaha...no worries baby doll. I'm totally snuggle raping you when I come visit next time."

"Oh good." I snorted.

"Well, I have to head to work, B. But good luck today! I expect an phone call or an email about this afternoon with Sir Edwardo."

"I'll let you know how it goes. Love you, Ang."

"Love you too!"

I hung up feeling lighter already after hearing Angela's voice. I flew to my closet and pulled out the clothes she suggested, throwing them on and observing myself in the mirror.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

I took a little extra time curling the ends of my unruly hair and putting a bit of make up on. I made sure to eat a bit of breakfast and take my meds before I made my way down to the shop. I brought a mug of warm tea down with me, needing the extra warmth this morning.

The morning hours passed slowly into the afternoon. I found myself staring out the shop window, waiting to see Edward. Business was slow today besides people coming to pick up their orders. Every time the shop door jingled open, I found myself jumping a little.

I was terribly anxious. I could feel it buzzing in my body, that anxiety. I both loved and hated it. I hated feeling on edge, but this was a good anxiety I thought. Not a bad one. Bad anxiety was waiting for a heart transplant. Waiting for a beautiful man to arrive at your doorstep - that was what I would consider good anxiety.

It was almost four when I spotted the familiar silver volvo pull up to the curb outside. I just about inhaled a piece of fresh gum, feeling self conscious already.

Why am I being so...weird?

I saw that unruly mop of copper brown hair appear before the rest of him came into view. His breath made a frosty cloud in the air outside and his nose was pink with the cold. He popped his trunk and pulled out a tool box before shutting it closed again and turning towards my front door.

His eyes caught mine as he approached the glass paned door. I thought I saw the tiniest smile break on his face as he saw me.

The door jingled open and there he was.

"Hi." I said.

Wow. So articulate.

"Hey." he said. I watched his eyes travel down my body once before blinking back to my eyes. Thank you, Angela. "Um...I guess I'll get started then. I'll just be out front."

"O-okay. I'll be here if you need anything." I promised.

He nodded once before heading back outside. I watched him in the shop window as he crouched low and set down his tool box. Soon the top of his head was the only thing visible as he set to work on the brick beneath the window.

I could have stood there and stared for another hour, but instead I forced myself to actually get things done. I spent the last hour of shop time cleaning and closing up. Checked the water in the coolers and made room for new arrivals. I used the back door to take the garbage out, sucking in a breath when I realized how cold it was outside. It would snow soon. Tonight even. The bite in the air was almost painful.

Edward had to be freezing. He had worn a jacket, but it didn't look nearly warm enough. He'd been working in the cold for an hour.

I came back inside from the back door, shivering like mad. No way could I let him work in this. I grabbed my coat before coming out the front door this time, looking down to see Edward hard at work, ripping away more old brick plates. He had a neat bucket full of debris, the pavement beneath him clean as could be. He'd stripped most of the facade underneath.

"Edward,"

He jumped a little at the sound of his name and turned to see me. His nose and ears were bright pink with the cold.

_God_, if he wasn't the hottest thing I'd ever seen...

"Come inside, it's freezing out here." I said, my teeth starting to chatter. It was getting darker out as well.

"I'm alright." he said, shrugging at me. But I could see his chin rattle a little as he picked up the brick pieces he'd removed and put them in the bucket.

"Come inside, Edward. I insist. I'll put on dinner. It's too cold and that jacket is not warm enough. You can come back tomorrow if you'd like. But for now, come inside." I said. My voice came out quiet and a little shy.

I didn't wait for him to answer because I wasn't asking him, I was telling him to come in. I re-entered the shop, flipped off the floor lights and put the closed sign up. I left the stair light on for him to follow me up to my apartment.

Once inside, I put on a pot of water to boil and got out my ingredients. I'd settled on a pasta and chicken dish, hoping he liked italian. I was making chicken marsala. I turned up the heat a bit to make sure my apartment was toasty and warm for Edward. That kind of cold was the kind that seeped into your bones. I wanted him to be warm.

I also wanted him to not want to leave. Honestly, I was afraid he would.

By the time the water came to boil, I heard footsteps from the stair well. A gentle knock at the door followed.

"Come in," I called.

Edward appeared from behind my door, closing it behind him softly. I watched as he politely removed his boots and jacket, turning to face me. He rubbed his hands together furiously, probably trying to get the feeling back in them. He was wearing a long sleeved shirt with a v-cut neckline, the material hugging his arms just so...

The rounded, muscular shape of his shoulders, the way the shirt lay on his firm chest...I had to blink a few times before looking up at his face. He was observing me carefully, with an expression I couldn't quite read. The piercing green under those thick lashes was irresistible to look at.

I came to his side without thinking and took his hands, trying to help him warm them. That buzz, that energy enveloped me as soon as I touched him.

I'd almost forgotten that. I'd missed it. I thought I heard his breath catch...I wondered if he felt that too.

"Here, come here." I led him over to the stove and held his hands over the pot of boiling pasta, far enough away not to burn, but close enough to be warmed by the steam.

He was quiet, but I could feel his eyes burning through me. We were so close. It reminded me of that moment we had in his own kitchen, eyes glued to each other, noses close in front of his sink. I let go of his hands, realizing I'd probably overstepped. I turned back towards the kitchen table to hide my blush and to finish cutting up the rest of my ingredients.

"Would you like some wine?" I asked, clearing my throat once so my voice would stop shaking.

Edward came to sit at the island stool across the table from me.

"I thought you didn't drink?" he asked.

I blushed, embarrassed. I'd bought the wine yesterday while I was running around, hoping he would enjoy it with dinner.

"I-uh, I don't. But I thought you might like it." I said sheepishly. "The woman at the store said it would go nicely with the meal. I -I jus- I thought that..."

_Fuckfuckfuck_. Stop stuttering Bella!

"Wine would be great, Bella." he said calmly, smiling almost in a comforting way, as if he could sense my unease.

Who was I kidding. It was obvious as day. My face was probably bright red right now.

I grabbed the bottle of wine and a glass from the cupboard. I wanted to smack myself in the face when I realized I didn't own any wine glasses. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

I gave him an apologetic look as I pulled out a regular glass from the cupboard. He was smiling at me and started to laugh.

I joined him, our quiet laughter seeming to fill the space with comfort and take away the edge of our anxieties. As soon as I heard the warm tone of his laugh, I immediately felt lighter, more relaxed.

"So you _really_ don't drink?"

I nodded with a shrug.

"Any particular reason why?"

I hesitated for a moment and shrugged once more, knowing he'd understand that I didn't necessarily need to explain myself yet.

"Here," he laughed. "Let me."

I gave him the wine bottle and the opener and let him do his thing. I knew very, very little about wine or alcohol in general. I never experienced it. And I never would. But I was happy that I could do something right for Edward.

While he opened the wine and poured himself a glass I set to work on the rest of the meal. We chatted a little as I cooked, nothing of importance but enough to break the hesitance between us. Soon the lovely scent of garlic and other spices filled my little house. It wasn't long before I was plating the chicken and pasta, drizzling a garlic cream sauce and fresh diced tomatoes over the top.

I silently cheered to myself as I saw Edward's eyes roll back in his head at the smell of the dish I'd placed in front of him.

"Bella, this looks fucking amazing."

I grinned proudly at him. Pulling a stool around to my side of the table, I sat down and pulled my plate closer, feeling the heat of it rise up and warm my cheeks. I peeked across the table to see Edward with a bite in his mouth and his eyes closed.

I started to giggle at the absolute blissed - out look on his face.

He cracked an eye open and peered at me, smiling. When he opened both eyes he continued to look at me, smiling softly. There was a hint of sadness in his gaze, a regret, an apology. He was still feeling guilty over the things he'd said and done.

"I'm...I'm glad you're here, Edward." I said softly, hoping to reassure him that it was okay. That he didn't need to torture himself over anything else, especially not over me. We had a ways to go if we were going to be close friends or...more than friends, but for now, I wanted him to let go of his guilt and just enjoy dinner with me.

He swallowed and nodded once. "Me too."

For three nights we did this. Each night we became more and more comfortable around one another. We were still quite careful each time we were together, unsure of where exactly we stood, but unable to breech the subject.

The front of my shop was looking much better as Edward worked to finished it before the first snow. He'd gone above and beyond what I thought was necessary to fix it, making it as nice and clean as he could. I was beginning to see he could be a bit of a perfectionist. In addition to the brick facade he was fixing the bottom trim of the window - wood that had rotted out from time and the elements.

The second night he was over I made hearty grilled paninis and creamy tomato basil soup. I delighted in the moment that Edward took his first bite of whatever I'd made him. His reactions were not only comical but adorable, opening up a rare but beautiful goofy side to him that I wanted more of. We'd talked more on the second day, Edward told me stories from college and his time abroad. Traveling had inspired him greatly. I was completely engaged as he spoke, thirsty for every bit of information he would give me about his life, about his past. He asked me about my college years as well. I found myself talking so freely, laughing at old memories and telling funny stories from my time living with Angela.

Once, while we ate, he'd lifted his hand to my mouth, brushing away a drop of soup. I was crimson with embarrassment, but was hyper aware of the way his hand lingered on my skin just second too long. Not long enough.

When he left that night he'd hesitated in my doorway. His body language was unsure, as if he were contemplating hugging me, or kissing me. Some kind of goodbye that was more affectionate than a nod and a wave. But he settled for a "see you tomorrow" and a crooked grin. I never felt completely cheated when he smiled at me like that, it was as if that smile was only for me.

But God, how I wished he would kiss me.

I'd dreamt about him each night he'd come. In my mind he fit so well in my house, as if he had belonged there, as if we had belonged there together. More than once now, I'd found my hand trailing down my abdomen under my sheets at night, underneath the waistband of my panties to the place where I was beginning to _need_. I imagined how it be, how it would feel. To be moving underneath him, with him. Afterwards I'd feel my heart pumping as I lie in bed. I felt..._alive_.

The third night was pork tenderloin and roasted potatoes and broccoli. I learned Edward was very well read, surprised to find that our book collections were similar. Though he owned much more literature, I was happy that I could keep up an intellectual conversation about the novels we liked. Anyone could see that Edward was a highly intelligent man, almost intimidatingly so. I was afraid at first when we got on the subject of books and films, that I would not have enough knowledge to impress him. When I found that I could keep up surprisingly well, I felt a sense of accomplishment and a boost of confidence. I felt in that moment that we were equals. All this time I'd wondered in the back of my mind if our problems resonated with me and my own worth - as all women tend to do. But knowing that I was his match in a sense, I felt the rest of my nerves shed from me like a second skin.

The previous nights, Edward had left not long after dinner, but the third night he lingered for coffee and a little dessert. I could see a hunger in his eyes for conversation, and the feeling was mutual. I think both of us were pleasantly surprised that our conversation came so easily after our initial reconnection.

Again, at the door, he hesitated. I thought for a moment that he would close the distance between us and some how embrace me. But again, he bid me good night and gave me that crooked grin.

Today was Thursday, and Edward would be here tonight to finish his work. My anxiousness had returned, knowing that he would without a doubt be done with his project on my shop tonight. What happened then? I spent each day undeniably looking forward to my time with him. What happened when it was over and he'd run out of reasons to stay?

I spent the morning puttering around the shop as usual and working on a few arrangement orders. In the early afternoon, my phone buzzed loudly as it vibrated against the counter top, shaking me from my concentration.

I picked it up, not recognizing the number. Was it Edward? Was he finally using my phone number? Excitement grew in my chest as I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Bella?"

Okay, not Edward. But definitely a man.

"Yes it is..."

"Hey, its James. From Eclipse."

Wait, what?

"I hope you don't mind, I got your number from Alice the night I saw you, she's a good friend."

"O-oh okay. Hi..." I said, suddenly very nervous.

"Listen, I never caught up with you after my shift that night at the bar. Alice told me you had to run. But I haven't been able to get you out of my head since." he said honestly. He sounded genuine on the phone and his voice reflected his looks - handsome in every way. "So I know this is kind of out of the blue, but I was wondering, if there was any chance I could take you to dinner sometime this week? I'd love to get to know you."

"Uhh...I-I...wow. Um, I..."

Sensing my anxiety on the phone James spoke again, chuckling a little at my stuttering self.

"Listen, lemme give you my number and you can think about it and give me a call when you decide, okay?" he said. I breathed a sigh of relief and gratitude. He'd put me on the spot and realized it. Giving me the room to think about it was letting me off the hook from having to give him an answer.

"Okay..."

I grabbed a post it note and jotted down the number he rattled off, putting his name in bold across the top.

"Okay, I'll call you then?" I said, unsure.

"I'll look forward to it, Bella. I really hope to see you again." he said. Despite the utter surprise of the phone call, I'd found his forwardness to be ..._sweet_. He spoke softly and genuinely, but he was direct. I liked that.

But I knew as soon as I put the phone down that I wasn't going on a date with James. He could be perfect. He could be charming and nice and wonderful to me. He was handsome, he was funny, he thought I was beautiful. I was flattered that he'd remembered me.

There really was no logical reason why I should turn him down.

Except... he wasn't Edward.

I jogged up the stairs to stick the post it on my apartment bathroom mirror, knowing I'd remember to call him back and gently let him down easy later. My mind was reeling as I came back down to work, wondering what the hell was wrong with me.

I couldn't fight it, or make it go away now...I had feelings for Edward. But I had no idea where we stood. What he was feeling. What if turning down James was a mistake? What if Edward only wanted close friendship with me and I was saying no to a relationship that could be great?

As soon as I saw his silver volvo pull up to my curb that night, I knew I could never just be friends with Edward. What I felt around him...it was so much more.

My anxiousness had returned, wondering where to go from here. Maybe all Edward wanted to do was make amends and then be on his way. My heart told me differently, but I couldn't assume anything at this point. He appeared from his car, smiling brightly at me through the shop window. He waved once and gestured to his paint, signaling that he'd get started right away. Once he was finished painting the trim, he'd be done completely.

I let him work, using the time to close down the shop. I peeked often at him out the window, catching him peeking at me once as well.

By 5:30, I was up in the kitchen, waiting to hear him come up my stairs. Tonight felt like a pizza night, so I'd rolled out a wheat crust, pampering it with olive oil, garlic and pecorino cheese. I covered it with toppings, making one side of it vegetable for me, and one side pepperoni, in case he didn't like veggie pizza. I was always taking notes in my head, noticing his reaction to things he ate. He seemed to love all of it, but italian food seemed to hit home. I had just popped the pizza in the oven when he came in the door.

"Well, it's finished." he said. He gave me a smile, one I returned with an effort at enthusiasm. I was already dreading him leaving tonight. But Edward seemed upbeat today, his mood bright. "I'll go wash up." he said, wiggling his paint stained fingers at me.

I giggled, watching him disappear to the bathroom.

I grabbed plates and set the table, pouring a glass of wine into a real wine glass this time. I'd picked one up the day before, figuring it would get a laugh out of Edward.

I heard his foot steps as he re-entered the room just as I was topping off his glass.

"Ta-da!" I laughed, placing his wine glass on the table.

No laughter or sound came from him. I looked up to see his demeanor completely changed, his face void of the happy glow he'd had when he first came in. He gave me a weak effort at a smile but couldn't keep up his front. He looked pissed, but sorrowful and defeated more than anything else.

"Thanks, Bella. For all of this, but... I think I should head home." he said flatly.

"What? But dinner won't be long at all. You should stay..."

"It's alright, I've gotta go. Gotta feed Bosley and take care of some things...Enjoy your meal, though."

"But, I don't understand..."

Edward went to the door, picking up his jacket and putting his boots on quickly, without bothering to tie them.

"I'm fine Bella, I just need to go."

No, no, no! This is not happening.

"What did I do, Edward?" I asked, growing agitated that this was really how tonight was going to be. We were doing so well, patching that distance between us. But Edward's guard was back up and on high alert. Something must have set him off.

"Nothing, Bella."

Anger flared hot under my skin and before I could hold them back, spiteful words were pouring out of my mouth.

"Bullshit, Edward. I knew it! I knew you would be a coward! I knew you would leave! I knew I was stupid to think you could make any kind of connection with me and keep it. Come on, tell me. What did I do to push you away this time? You know, you were a dick at the diner, but even if what you said was hurtful, at least you were talking to me. Why won't you tell me what is wrong with you?"

My volume had risen, my face was hot with frustration, yelling at his back turned to me in my door way. He turned to the side and I could see his jaw clenched in anger. When he turned to face me fully, I could see his eyes were ablaze as well.

He marched over to me with his teeth grit tightly.

"You wanna know what's wrong with me, Bella? I don't wanna be your fucking friend okay! Did you get that? I dont. Want to be. Your. Fucking. Friend."

My lip quivered as the words hit me, slicing through the tender parts of me and making my eyes brim with tears. I closed my eyes for a second, expecting to hear the door slam behind him as he left. But instead I heard him breathing raggedly, his breath closer to me, dancing across my face.

I opened my eyes to look up at him, only inches away from me now. His expression was pained.

"Its not enough, Bella. I'm a piece of shit, I know I am. But that doesn't stop me from wanting more from you."

Wait..._what?_

His face was closed to mine as he yelled, the passion in his eyes alight. He brought his hands up to gesture one finger at a time.

"I'm fucked up. I'm stubborn as shit, I'm possessive. I know I'm not good for you, but I want to kill James for even getting near you! I want to fucking beat the shit out of anyone who wants you like that because I don't want to fucking share you, okay?"

Ahh...he'd seen the post it note on my bathroom mirror with James' number.

"I thought I could do it...I thought I could leave you alone. I thought I could make you mad enough to stay away, and even when I did I couldn't let you go. I drove by the fucking shop at least a dozen times trying to figure out an good reason to see you again. These past few nights have been the best thing to happen to me in a while and i thought...maybe I can do this, maybe I can try to be what you need...but its too fucking late okay! So excuse me if I don't exactly want to stay and shoot the shit!"

He breathed out shakily, trying visibly to get himself under control. When he spoke again, his voice was lower, calmer, concentrated.

His eyes closed for a moment as he spoke, willing the words forward.

"You have every right to date a guy like James, I didn't know you were involved. But I hate it, Bella. I hate it. I don't have the strength to stay away from you. To just be friends...I can't...If you're with him, I have to go. I can't..." he winced and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Edward..." I said, placing a hand on his cheek. His eyes shot open and he looked down at me. I could see it all there in those green orbs, the worry, the frustration, the longing, the need. I knew it all because I felt it too.

"I'm not dating James."

"...you're not.." he searched my face. My place my other hand on his other cheek, both hands now cupping his face.

"He's not you, Edward...he's not you." I whispered.

He blinked rapidly, looking me over, searching my eyes again.

"Bella..." he breathed.

I silenced him with my lips, unable to not kiss him anymore. Soft and gentle I pressed mine against his, closing the small distance between us. I felt him freeze for only a moment before his mouth..._God_, his mouth...began to move against mine.

Our kiss was sweet and languid at first, the flow between us as easy as breathing. The fluidity of our movements made my hazy, almost high with want. I felt his arms unglue from his sides and wrap around me entirely, holding me so closely, making me feel small and protected. He gripped me as if he was holding on to the only thing he had left. I could feel his hands on my back and then one cradling my head as we kissed more fervently.

I wanted to live in the softness of his mouth. The warmth of his tongue greeted me as our breathing quickened, soft touches became grasping need. I heard a low rumble of a moan in his throat as my hands raked through his hair. The sound was enough to make me wet.

I wanted this.

I broke away from the kiss, keeping my forehead against his as my hands pushed his coat off of his shoulders. His eyes never left mine, dark with want they penetrated me. Our mouths, like magnets met again and again. I felt his hands dance across my back, my neck, my arms, my face.

We were kissing like it was our last day on earth. I was overwhelmed with my need for him.

"Bella..." he broke away from my mouth to say my name. The sound of his heated whisper, made my breath catch in my throat.

I looked up at him, our noses and foreheads resting on one another's. We were both catching our breath, eyes heavy lidded but mutually filled with awe.

No one had ever kissed me that way. Not with that much passion. I wasn't sure I wanted to be kissed any other way ever again. The feeling was recognizable in his eyes as well.

What had just happened? I'd heard all the cliche stories about fireworks or sparks...but this was...different. It was like I'd been missing him before I even met him. Like we were made to do this. Molded for each other.

"If I don't slow down, I'll never be able to stop, Bella..." he breathed. "_God_..."

I could not keep the smile from my face. Finally I knew for sure...Edward wanted me too. I didn't want him to stop, but I knew it was in both of our best interests to take things slower.

"Sorry..." I whispered back, still catching my breath.

His thumb caressed the apples of my cheeks.

"Never be sorry...Bella, I-I just...I've never wanted a woman more in my entire life than I want you now." his voice was quiet but the conviction there was proof of his honesty.

He brought his mouth to mine once more, a kiss so soft and sweet I thought I might cry.

I took a deep breath as his lips left mine, kissing my forehead once. I let my head come to rest on his chest, our arms around each other.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd like to take you on a date."

I grinned, squeezing him closer to me still.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd love that."

**Hooray! Progress! Progress involving kissing! There will be lemons in this story I promise. More good things to come :)**


	12. Chapter 12

I have to start, of course, with an apology for my lateness. It came with a bit of writer's block and some life events. My dad had a big surgery recently and is recovering at home. All is well though. Getting better every day.

Hope you all had a lovely holiday. I've gotten a lot of requests for an EPOV of the last chapter. While I know some are not a fan of repeat scenes, I do think it will be very different in EPOV and it is important to his character. (This is my polite way of saying: I'm doing it, so get over it. I PROMISE I will not be doing this often.) BUT I like to keep moving forward, so not all of this chapter will be a repeat scene, only the beginning segment. So here is a little Edward for you...

And Also: Thank you all for your reviews and feedback - it is extremely helpful and I so appreciate it. It lets me know that this story is worth continuing. You are wonderful. Have a lovely day :) Sorry for the long author's note!

I could lie and say it was the food that had me coming back every night. Of course that would be believable because Bella was turning out to be one hell of a fucking chef. This woman was full of surprises - each one pulling me even deeper into the mystery she was.

But I knew deep down that it wasn't the food... it was Bella herself who had me coming back for more.

I didn't know jack shit about fixing brick facades.

Countless times my car had passed her shop. Each time I was desperately thinking of some excuse, some good reason to go inside and talk to her. To fix what I'd broken. A few times I'd noticed the brick crumbling beneath her window and thought to myself... 'someone should get to fixing that...'

A phone call to Carlisle and five hours worth of how-to videos on the web later, I felt confident enough to at least do a convincing job on Bella's shop front.

And if all else failed, I would paint the fucking facade on for her.

Getting up the guts to come to her door was a strain on my nerves in every possible way. Not to mention the added annoyance when Jake let me in and gave me a hard, warning look that said he would tear my ass apart if Bella was anything less than happy when I left.

I had intended to just make Bella my offer and then leave, but I'd lost control of my mouth. My instincts overruled my stubborn brain. Instead of staying stoic and nonchalant, I'd almost yelled at her and begged her to let me just do the damn job.

Real smooth.

Where had my man charm gone? I used to be really good at playing the part, saying all the right things, lying and sweet talking my way into someone's trust. It used to be easy. But with Bella, I knew I had to work harder to earn her trust. The fact that she even wanted mine in return had me stumbling every time. Anything less than honesty was unacceptable. The truth was that I was still just learning how to be honest with myself.

That fact made all my recent behavior around Bella more ridiculous than I could handle. I was flailing like a fucking baby. But at least I'd gotten to her door. That in and of itself was a victory.

It wasn't just the food that got better and better every night - it was..._us_. The two of us together. The way we spoke. The way we moved around each other. The way we greeted each other and said goodbye at the end of each night. Each time the need to touch her increasing ten fold. We were becoming comfortable, familiar. It was by the second night I was able to decipher the right word to describe what I felt around Bella.

Peace.

I'd spent the majority of my lifetime warring with myself and my past. But with Bella, I felt peace.

I slept like a baby each night I'd spent time with her. No dreams. No nightmares. I logged away each moment with her, cataloging the different laughs and smiles she wore, the way her eyes gave away what she was feeling. The bashful look on her face when she poured my wine in a plastic cup.

By the time I arrived on the fourth night, I was almost carefree. I'd looked forward to my time with Bella all day. I'd spent hours thinking of what else I could possibly fix for her in that shop so I could spend more time there. As much as I'd dragged out my time working on the facade, I couldn't prolong finishing it tonight. Bella would catch on.

Her face in the window beamed back at me as I arrived. I was so anxious to just finish working so I could come inside with her, I set right to work with the last coat of paint. I hadn't done half bad for my first time. My anal attention to detail helped me out on this project. But my mind was so far from the work.

Talking to Bella the past few nights, I'd collected puzzle pieces of her. I was anxious to put it all together. I needed more. She was becoming like my fucking drug of choice. This endless curiosity about the girl was insatiable.

I was overwhelmingly content as I walked into her apartment once I was finished painting outside. My eyes couldn't help but linger as I watched her bend forward to place something in the oven.

That was the other thing. It wasn't just her mind I wanted so badly to know, it was her body too. The charge between us was more palpable every night. I'd saved mental images of her as the nights passed. Her mouth, her nose, The curve of her neck sloping to meet her shoulder. The swell of her breasts against the fabric of her clothing. Her petit, delicate hands fascinated me almost as much as her eyes. She was fit and lean, yet soft and round in all the right places. I wanted so badly to touch her.

The thoughts that overwhelmed me when I walked in the door and looked down at Bella caused me to retreat to the bathroom. Not just to wash my hands but to will away the rush of blood to my groin. I wanted her too much. This week had made me hopeful for the first time in a long time...that I might be capable of being what she needs. Maybe I could try this dating thing. If I ever got the goddamn guts to ask her out.

I watched the black paint from my hands swirl around the bowl of Bella's bathroom sink and disappear down the drain. Her soap smelled nice. I looked around her little bathroom, observing the slippers by the door and the purple polka dotted toothbrush by the faucet. I looked up to the mirror to see a smattering of small post it notes.

I tilted my head to read each of them.

'Call Dad'

'Fitzpatrick order due the 11th'

'Milk'

'Call James, Eclipse - 435-6758'

What?

The the feeling of lightness I'd just had transformed into a sinking weight in the pit of my stomach. My mind raced with images that created some kind of explanation for this - but none of them were good enough. There had to be some rational explanation...maybe it was some other James. But I couldn't imagine anything but the douche bag from the bar flirting with Bella. All I could picture was James holding her hand...making her laugh...kissing her...touching her...fucking her.

NO!

I winced at the idea, the thought of it unbearable to me. Imagining his hands on her like that made me feel utterly ..._murderous_. I warred with myself.

Isn't that what you are, Edward?

No...

But she's mine...

No, she's not yours...

I raised my eyes to the mirror, looking past the pieces of paper adhered to the glass and focusing on the man looking back at me.

It was never going to be me. What the hell was I thinking anyway. That I'd fix her fucking bricks and then sweep her off her feet? That I could ignore all of this? That'd she would even give me a chance? Was she just playing nice and letting me work for her to clear my own conscience? How long had she been seeing him? Eclipse felt like ages ago...

The defeat of it all was the real shit. I'd played all of this up too much in my head. I'd assumed too much and read into each moment with her as if it were mounting up to something hopeful. But I was wrong. Bella was...well, Bella. She was kind. That didn't mean she wanted me the way I wanted her.

I realized if I spent anymore time in the bathroom it would start to seem weird, so I left. I knew I couldn't stay for dinner, I had to leave. I had to get the hell out of here.

"Ta-da!" I looked up to see her presenting me with a real wine glass. I felt the bitter sweetness of how fucking adorable she was. Her face was bright and her smile was wide as she looked at me. I wanted to be mad at her for being so damn sweet...I'd been misled by it. But I knew that came from my inexperience with genuine people outside my family. It wasn't her fault. It was mine.

I could do little to hide what I was feeling. Bella, being sharply perceptive, noticed it right away.

I watched the confusion in her expression turn to anger and hurt as she countered each one of my useless excuses to leave. I couldn't look at her, I had turned to the door. Her eyes were too raw, too hurt and so..._pissed._

She finally snapped behind me. The agitation between the two of us had me ready to combust.

"Bullshit, Edward. I knew it! I knew you would be a coward! I knew you would leave! I knew I was stupid to think you could make any kind of connection with me and keep it. Come on, tell me. What did I do to push you away this time? You know, you were a dick at the diner, but even if what you said was hurtful, at least you were talking to me. Why won't you tell me what is wrong with you?"

She'd reached her limit with me - and so had I. Unable to stop myself I was marching back to her, face to face, letting my frustration take the reigns. The words were like a freight train, coming fast and unstoppable. I was clenching my teeth to keep from losing it entirely.

"You wanna know what's wrong with me, Bella? I don't wanna be your fucking friend okay! Did you get that? I dont. Want to be. Your. Fucking. Friend."

I don't want to just be your friend...I want all of you, Bella.

The look in her eyes was startling, as if I'd slapped her across the face. Her eyes shut, unwilling to look at me, to show me the depth of herself inside them. A single, silent tear fell down her cheek.

In that moment she was more heart-breakingly beautiful than I could stand.

My breathing was shallow and ragged as I looked her over. The truth, Edward. She deserves it.

"Its not enough, Bella. I'm a piece of shit, I know I am. But that doesn't stop me from wanting more from you."

Her eyes flew open once again, tightened in confusion, but barely masking a small glint of..._hope_?

"I'm fucked up. I'm stubborn as shit, I'm possessive. I know I'm not good for you, but I want to kill James for even getting near you! I want to fucking beat the shit out of anyone who wants you like that because I don't want to fucking share you, okay?"

Her eyes lit in understanding, knowing now that I'd figured out her involvement with James. My mouth wasn't done ranting. I focused on the anger I felt over the whole thing, letting it protect me from the strain of goodbye. It was always easier to get over things if I could find a reason to be mad.

God, no wonder I'm fucked up.

"I thought I could do it...I thought I could leave you alone. I thought I could make you mad enough to stay away, and even when I did I couldn't let you go. I drove by the fucking shop at least a dozen times trying to figure out a good reason to see you again. These past few nights have been the best thing to happen to me in a while and I thought...maybe I can do this, maybe I can try to be what you need...but its too fucking late okay! So excuse me if I don't exactly want to stay and shoot the shit!"

I closed my eyes, realizing that I really didn't want to be yelling at her. I would hate myself if I ever scared her. I had seen my mother's eyes countless times fill up with fear in the face of my father. Inexplicable rage, loud noises, hard eyes. I didn't want to be that.

I sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm down.

"You have every right to date a guy like James, I didn't know you were involved. But I hate it, Bella. I hate it. I don't have the strength to stay away from you. To just be friends...I can't...If you're with him, I have to go. I can't..."

Another image of James and Bella together flashed behind my eyes. I shut them tightly, trying to banish the thought.

"Edward..."

The softness of her hand against my cheek startled me. When my eyes opened I felt my breath catch in my throat. She was so close. _Bella...please..._

"I'm not dating James."

All the panic and worry and anger that was fluttering in my chest suddenly froze.

"...you're not.."

And then both her hands were on my face and her nose came close to mine and she was telling me "He's not you, Edward...he's not you."

It was me she wanted.

It was me.

"Bella..."

I had so much to say. Still in disbelief that she'd said those words...

My shock only increased when she silenced me with her mouth. Goddamn, that mouth...

Kissing Bella was what I'd been missing out on my whole life. I was sure of it as soon as our lips met and parted, kissing as if we had been engineered to do so. There was an ease to it, a comfort as well as a thrill and a passion that shook my senses. A feeling of relief washed over me as I wrapped her tightly in my arms and kissed her back with everything I had.

She wanted me. _Me_.

Everything that had been burning inside of me over these last few months came boiling forth, poured into every once of that kiss. Even though I knew now that she did want me, it was still unreal to think she was kissing me back with the same fire.

Hands traveling, wet mouths roaming, soon my coat was on the floor and I was ready to take her to her bedroom and make her mine in every way. I was so fucking lost in her. Now that she'd let me, I couldn't stop touching her.

But I knew that if I didn't stop soon, I would never be able to slow down. I told her so, the two of us panting slightly and looking at one another in a sort of awed state. She blushed crimson and apologized.

"Never be sorry...Bella, I-I just...I've never wanted a woman more in my entire life than I want you now."

It was the truth.

I kissed her once more and then held her close to me, her face buried in my chest. Perfect. It was just...where she was supposed to be. My breathing was still a little erratic, my mind still reeling that this had just happened.

This new intimacy, this closeness I'd only day dreamed about - it was immediately all encompassing. Addicting. I didn't want to let go of her.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

I took a deep, shaky breath.

"I'd like to take you on a date."

There, I said it. I thought briefly of Esme. Maybe she was right. I was finally allowing myself a shot at something bigger than myself. Something that would teach me happiness again.

Yet I was terrified as soon as the words left my mouth. It was real now. I knew already it would be a challenge for both of us...but some how I could not fathom not being with her.

I had to try.

My fears were put to rest but the reassuring squeeze around my middle and the feel of her grin against my chest.

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"I'd love that."

I let out a sigh, breathing in again only to be calmed once more by the smell of her hair and the warmth of her body.

I pulled away for a moment, holding onto her arms as I looked into her eyes.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Bella." I admitted quietly.

She smiled and shook her head.

"Who does?"

"I don't want to fuck this up..."

"Then don't." she said with a little smirk. She laughed quietly before she reached to touch my cheek again. This time more serious she said, "I'm not perfect either."

Her gaze fell to my chest. There was a sadness in her eyes I had yet to gain knowledge of. I had to be careful with her. And I had to be honest with her too.

"I wish I could promise you that I'll be good at this, Bella. But I can't. There's a lot...there just so much I know I have to tell you. And it's really fucking hard. I'm not good at talking about it yet. I want to tell you. It's just going to take some time. Are you sure you're okay with that?"

She looked up at me again and nodded, her eyes a little glassy.

"There are things I'll need to share with you eventually too, Edward. Let's just be patient with each other. It'll be okay."

A chill ran down my spine when she said that. Her voice had become slightly somber as she spoke of secrets I had yet to know. I could tell even before she'd told me she was sick as a kid that something extreme had happened to her. As well adapted as she was to her new life in Riverdale, I could see she was haunted - as I was myself. I had yet to know what it was that happened, but the possible scenarios scared me. I couldn't stand to even imagine Bella in pain.

I felt her wrap her arms tighter around me. The darkness that tended to cloud my mind was forgotten.

That night after another delicious dinner, when it came time to say goodbye, we stopped at her door. This time I did not have to force myself to leave. This time I could hold her the way I wanted. Kiss her the way I wanted.

There was still the smallest hesitance from both of us. I thought briefly of my time at the cottage as a boy with my parents, before the mess. When we were happy. I was 6 or 7 and I'd found a perfect shell in the sand - a rare find amidst the broken pieces of other shells and stones and twigs. I remember being in awe of it. So happy I'd found it...and so afraid I would break it. I showed it proudly to my mother, cradling it in my hands like a piece of glass. I brought it to my treehouse in the woods, climbing up inside and placing it on my windowsill I sat and stared at it. Every day after I would stare at it, never letting myself touch it again. Certain I would break it or ruin it if I did.

The need to touch Bella, to be around her, was overwhelming. Yet there was a fragility to us that still made me nervous. And I knew she felt the same.

But I wasn't going to put this on the shelf. I wasn't going to keep away anymore.

I just couldn't. It wasn't possible to stay away anymore.

The blush on Bella's cheeks was beautiful and shy as I said goodnight. I kissed her softly and gently, careful to keep it rated PG. We both needed to take things slow. Even though I was dying to just stay and fall into bed with her - even just to sleep - I knew it was time to go.

I promised her I'd call her tomorrow and dragged myself away after stealing another small kiss.

I felt the engine of my car purring beneath me as I sped towards home. My chest was swelling with a feeling I couldn't quite swallow.

I was ..._happy. _

Scared shitless, but happy.

Bosley greeted me at the door as goofy and content as ever. As he had the past few nights, he sniffed me like crazy, surely smelling Bella on my clothes.

I crouched down to wrestle with him on the floor, somehow feeling lifted enough to be more playful than I had been lately. Poor Bos.

The next morning came fast. I felt as if I'd been asleep only twenty minutes by the time the sun came trickling through the windows and Bos was begging to pee.

The day seemed to fly by. I took several conference calls with Mac and some gallery owners, worked on a commission piece for a friend and gathered up the CD art work I'd finished for Garrett. All the while, agonizing over when to call Bella.

I had wanted to call as soon as I'd woken up, but that would be ridiculous. Too early in the day might come off as needy or eager.

Even though I probably was. Shit.

I spent my afternoon working on where I would take Bella on a date. The same old dinner and a movie was always nice, but I wanted to do something special. I just had to figure out what it was. When I finally did figure it out, I set to work. Making a list of what I needed. I wanted to do something to show her more of who I was. To show her I really do want to try.

I had promised Esme I would come over for a family dinner around six. Alice would be there. She could help me.

I finally worked up the nerve to call Bella around five.

It rang three times before she picked up. My chest was hammering and my ears were completely tuned in, waiting to hear her voice.

"Hello?" she answered sweetly.

"Bella?"

I heard a small exhale over the phone.

"Hi Edward." It was almost like I could hear her smiling. She knew it was me. My own face was splitting into a grin knowing that she was happy I called.

"Hi..." I smiled. "Listen I was calling to see if you might be free tomorrow night?" I asked hopefully. I was pacing my living room floor now.

"I don't see anything on the calendar..." she replied wittily. Her voice sounded cheerful, light, happy.

"Can I pick you up say, around 7?"

"Yes, you can. Can I ask where we are going?"

"Nope." I chuckled. She laughed along with me.

"How will I know what to wear?"

"Wear warm clothes you can climb in." I responded.

"What the..."

"Trust me, Bella."

She sighed once, laughing softly.

"Okay Edward..." she said, not totally convinced

"Great. Tomorrow at seven then."

"Seven it is."

"Bye, Bella."

I breathed a sigh of relief once she'd said goodbye and I'd hung up the phone. Bosley looked up at me from his spot on the carpet and gave me his goofy dog grin, his way of giving me a fist bump. I'd done it. So far so good.

I just need to get through tomorrow night.

I grabbed my list of supplies and shoved it in my pocket, eager to show it to Alice at dinner tonight. I threw on a light jacket and stepped out onto the porch with my keys, locking the door behind me. It had been cold recently, but this week, the weather had shifted a bit, giving us a rather pleasant temperature outside. No snow just yet. I was glad, because I planned to take advantage of the weather for my date with Bella tomorrow.

I arrived at Esme's just before six, greeted at the door with one of her famous, warm hugs. She smelled like lilacs and whatever goodness she was cooking inside.

"Hello, Edward." she said in my ear. "So glad to see you."

I kissed her cheek, smiled and then came inside. I made my rounds saying hello to everyone, shaking Carlisle's hand, catching up with Emmett and Jasper, saying hi to the girls. They seemed a little taken aback at my behavior. Had I really been such an asshole all this time? I admitted to myself that until recently, my mood had stayed shitty pretty much 24/7. I felt a little guilty as my own childishness came to light. But however surprised they may have been, they did their best not to show it and happily said they were glad to see me.

Whatever Esme was cooking smelled unreal. The house was warm and cozy as usual and I thought of Bella. I could imagine her happy and content beside me here with my family - who already loved her.

I was completely shocked to realize I was already building up a little American dream scenario with her in my head and banished those thoughts immediately. Thinking too far ahead...getting too hopeful...that all added up to heart break.

And I still had to take this girl on a first date. Fuck.

"Edward would you help me set the table, dear?" Esme asked.

I excused myself from a conversation with Emmett about the firehouse policies, and slipped into the dining room to help.

Esme had a soft smile on her face as she handed me plates and forks. Here in the dining room, it was a little quieter. The chatter of the rest of the family stayed in the living room.

"You look happy, Edward." she remarked quietly, her eyes focused on her task.

"I think I am..."

She grinned and looked up at me.

"Does this have to do with a certain little brunette we know and love?"

I didn't answer her, just returned her grin. She gave me a knowing smile, understanding my answer right away.

"When will you see her again?"

"I...uh...I asked her on a date tomorrow night..." I said, feeling my ears get warm. I realized as I said it how fucking nervous I was. My hands were clammy just thinking about it. I didn't get nervous like this...not about girls. This was new territory for me. And I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

Esme's eyes widened as they shot up to meet mine. Surprise evident on her face.

"Whoa, whoa whoa..." came Alice's high pitched voice suddenly from the doorway. "Who are you going on a date with?"

I blew a deep breath out my mouth, raking my hands through my hair and looking at Esme for help.

"Edward has asked Bella on a date tomorrow night."

As she spoke, Rose came to the door beside Alice, her eyes widening in shock right beside my sister, whose jaw was on the floor.

I rolled my eyes and looked back at Esme, who simply smiled smugly and winked at me.

Alice's face exploded into a giant grin.

"Oh I KNEW IT!" she exclaimed, and then proceeded to ramble unintelligibly. All I caught out of it was 'sooooooo cuuuuttttttteeeeeee."

Part of me wanted to say 'fuck off' to all the attention that was suddenly upon me and my dating life. But the other part new I needed Alice's help to pull this off. When she had calmed down enough, I told her so. Which only caused yet another episode of squealing. I promised her that after dinner I'd show her my list.

The family had gathered in the dining room by now and the information of my date tomorrow night quickly got around. The guys reaction was all the same. Jasper and Emmett fist bumped me and Carlisle gave me a surprised but approving look.

Rose was very quiet.

Esme knew the attention was starting to get to me so she quickly sat everyone down for the meal she had made, changing the subject and saying grace.

Conversation flowed easily between all of us. And I was a part of it. Usually I was not an active participant in the social part of our get togethers. This was mostly due to the fact that my mind was constantly elsewhere and constantly clouded. But tonight I was feeling this hopefulness that allowed me to be more present. I think Esme and Carlisle noticed. Their smiles were bright and happy when I spoke, alight with pleasant surprise.

For a brief moment I thought about my mother.

She would be so happy here. In moments like this. They were simple, but they were happy. She never had enough of that. Was she happy now? Watching me?

I became ashamed when I realized that this kind of family was the epitome of the love she had always wanted. For herself and for me. And I'd had it all along, ever since she died. But I'd been too miserable to appreciate it. I had been stuck in the past for 9 years now.

"Edward, did you want seconds?" Esme said, breaking me free from my thoughts and passing me a plate full of food.

After dinner we all shared coffee and hung around the living room as usual. Emmett and Jasper were locked in some intense bowling game on the Wii. Carlisle and Esme were playing gin on the table and laughing at the two idiots flailing their arms and shouting at each other. I took a moment to grab Alice and pull her aside, not wanting another spectacle over the list I had to show her.

"Edward, this is such a romantic idea...I can't believe you! Where have you been hiding all this time?" she grinned, punching me in the shoulder.

"Shut up. Can you help me get these?"

"Of course! I'll come over tomorrow and help you set up."

"Thanks, Al. I really...uh...I just..." I sighed. Words. Not working. "Thanks."

She grinned and winked before re-entering the living room. I could hear her loudly challenging her husband to be to a game of Wii bowling. I was about to join everybody when I suddenly noticed Rose, standing in the hallway to the left, her arms folded tightly around her chest, watching me.

To be honest, it scared the shit out of me.

"Jesus, Rose! Creep much?" I tried to laugh off the fact that I'd been startled.

She rolled her eyes at me, but didn't smile or laugh along with me.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked, noticing her attitude had been off all night.

"Edward..." her gaze leveled at me. "I am happy for you, I want you to know that. I really hope that you've reached a turning point."

She walked towards me. "But I am not going to lie to you. I am worried."

"Rose...I know I..."

"No. You don't know. That's exactly the problem. You don't know how to have a relationship. And Bella is a really good girl, Ed. A really good girl. Have you thought this through at all?"

I started to feel my infamous temper come to a boil under my skin. She was repeating to me all the doubts and fears I already had about myself.

"Forgive me," she said, lowering her gaze. "I want to have faith in you, Edward. I really do. This could be a really good thing for you. For both of you. I just want you to remember that you need to be careful with Bella. If you could have seen her at the hospital gala...I don't know...just...anyone could see that Bella has a history. Of what, we don't know. But she's got a big heart. She's strong, but she's also sensitive. And she's my friend. And you are practically my brother. You can't lose your shit with her. I'm nervous about what happens if things go crashing down in flames between you two."

"Rose...the last thing in the world I want to do, is to hurt Bella." I tried to keep from snapping at her, and lowered my voice as well. But my words still held a defensive tone. "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing - you think I don't know that? All I do know is that something about Bella...she's just...she's changing me. Fixing me. Or rather, helping me fix myself. And she doesn't even know it."

When I looked up at Rose again, her eyes had softened and she was regarding me curiously.

"I know I'm a dick, Rose. That's not news to me. But I could really use some fucking encouragement."

She searched my face in silence for a moment before taking a deep breath and letting it out.

"Okay. You have my support." she replied. But she raised a painted red finger to my face and gave me a stink eye. "You better call me if something happens or you aren't sure of what to do, or if you are on the verge of being Dickward with her, understand? Don't be too proud to keep asking for help. Have you seen how happy Esme and Carlisle are tonight? I wish you would have reached out to us a long time ago, even before Bella. But I guess everybody's heart works at its own pace."

I didn't know what to say to that. But I was letting out a sigh of relief, knowing that I'd been able to win Rose over. If I could convince her I was capable of all of this, then I could convince myself. Slowly but surely. She messed up my hair before joining Emmett in the other room.

I rolled my eyes and followed her into the living room.

"Are you heading home, Edward?" Esme asked.

Usually when we had family dinners, I was the first to leave. Sometimes not even bothering to stay for coffee and dessert. Everyone knew this.

But I looked at my family, all staring at me hopefully ...and thought differently.

"Nah... Gotta kick Emmett's ass at bowling first." I winked.

**Next chapter BPOV first date! **


	13. Chapter 13

The smell of nail polish remover burned my nose as I worked to fix the sloppy paint job on each of my fingers.

"This is ridiculous..." I muttered to myself, trying to make sense of my idiotic behavior.

I was horrible at painting my own nails and didn't do it very often, but I wanted to look extra nice for my date tonight.

My **date**. With Edward Masen.

I was still completely baffled as to where it was he was taking me. I had to wear something I could _climb_ in?

I figured we would probably be outside for a bit. Maybe a hike? December was only days away now, but the weather had remained uncharacteristically autumn like. A bit of a chill in the air, but unless it was raining or you were poorly dressed, the outside was not an unacceptable place to spend time.

I had spent the day racking my brain as to what I should wear. I had also made an emergency call to Angela who coached me through my closet and helped me make a decision.

"Oooh, wear those brown leather boots you have, Bells. They look super cute but still have some tread on them in case you really are hiking. Those with your light wash jeans...that indigo blue scoop neck you have...your tits look great in that!..."

Oh, Ang.

We added my jacket and one of my favorite green scarves to the ensemble and I felt immediately relieved.

Currently, I was dressed and ready to go. I'd been careful to curl my hair in loose, carefree waves. I'd put on only enough make up to look naturally "dewey" as Ang called it. I was happy when I looked in the mirror. My little borrowed heart was racing, thinking about what wonderful...or terrible things could happen tonight. You never knew with Edward and his mood swings. I was being very careful not to get my hopes up.

But after kissing him...really kissing him...seeing the way he looked at me, became protective of me...the way he **wanted** me.

Who was I kidding. I had very high hopes for this evening. That didn't mean I wasn't scared shitless.

My nails were short, but well kept. It took me a good three attempts until I had them looking the way I wanted with a pale, opaque, pink tint. I rolled my eyes at myself in my head, letting out a long breath when I'd finally finished. We girls are such weird beings.

It was dark out already, the sun had taken to setting around 5:00pm lately. Winter would not be long now.

Earlier, during my work day, I'd strung up white, large bulbed lights in my windows. I turned them on and sat at the base of my stairs now, just in front of the door, blowing on my stupid nails and trying not to get too freaked out. Edward would be here any minute now.

I had been strung out all day. I was unfocused and clumsy, a bit of a space cadet all morning long. What if tonight did go horribly? What if I made an ass of myself? What if he shuts down again? What if I fall down? Or choke on something? Or embarrass myself?

...and what if it goes perfectly?

I didn't have time to think about it very long as a glint of silver outside my window caught my eye. He was here.

I was frozen to my spot on the stairs, breath still captive in my lungs, ears tuned in, waiting to hear him.

Sure enough, I caught the sound of the car door opening and closing, the jingling of keys, the tread of a pair of boots. And then there he was, his face illuminated by the glow of my premature Christmas lights in the shop door.

He had a comforting, crooked smile on his face as he peered through my glass shop door window down at me, sitting on the last step.

I couldn't help but smile in return. I took a deep breath and rose to my feet, opening the door, the last barrier between us. Cool air swept across my face, and then I was looking up into curious green eyes.

"Hi..." I breathed. Goddamn, he was gorgeous.

I was already thinking about when I could kiss him again.

"Hi." he grinned. His eyes wandered over my face and hair, then from me to my Christmas lights. "Little early for Christmas lights, wouldn't you say?"

"It's never too early for Christmas lights. I used to have them in my bedroom all year round." I shrugged, still smiling goofily.

Sometimes in my hospital room too.

"Well, Miss Swan," he said, a crooked smirk on his face. "We have places to be and..." he checked an imaginary watch on his wrist. "We're four minutes behind schedule."

I laughed.

"Oh, is that right?" I stepped out beside him, then turned to lock my door. I could feel him close behind me. The heat of him radiating. I was hyper aware of his presence tonight. More so than usual.

I followed him to the curb where he opened the passenger side door for me, his ears turning a little red as he did so.

Once I was inside, I watched as his lean body moved gracefully around the front of the car and to his own door, sliding in easily beside me. He had a black jacket on that hugged his shoulders perfectly. Where the zipper had come down I could see the top of a band t-shirt underneath an open, light blue button down. His hair was in its usual disarray, raked through by his hands no doubt. Had he been as anxious today as I had?

As he started the car I could smell that he was wearing some kind of cologne. Whatever it was...it was perfect. Light and clean. He'd only used just enough that I noticed, instead of dousing himself in the stuff like many men tended to do. I remembered a few dates I'd been on in college where I was certain my nose hairs had all been burned to nothing because my date had practically bathed in strong cologne.

But not Edward. His scent was immediately comforting to me. And it was just enough to make me think that this cologne wearing was meant for special occasions. Or special people.

"So," I asked when we pulled away from the curb. "Are you going to tell me where we're going now?"

I watched his cheeks rise as he grinned, turning out onto the main road in the direction of town.

"Well, usually there is food involved on dates I guess. So I thought, we'd grab a bite somewhere in town first. But then I'm not telling."

"Oh, come on. Food is an assumed date activity. Can't you give me a hint?"

He looked over at me once before turning his eyes back to the road, his brows knit as he thought to himself.

"Dessert could be weird."

_What_? What the hell did that mean...

"Edward, that's a horrible clue! Now I'm even more nervous." I laughed dryly.

He looked over at me again, his eyes narrowing as he observed me.

"You're nervous?" he asked softly.

My anxious chuckle became quiet, but my smile did not disappear. It only became bashful.

"Me too." he said quietly.

The lights of down town soon came into view. I hadn't spent too much time here yet. My eyes wandered past the strips of beautiful little restaurants and shops, all lit under the street lamps. It was a charming place. I made a note to myself to come and explore here more often. Maybe Edward would come.

I felt myself grinning again at the thought of spending more time with him. Doing things together like a normal couple. Even when I knew deep down we were already anything but normal.

Edward did a flawless parallel park job outside of a little restaurant called Oasis. Soon we were inside a warm, earth toned lobby, dimly lit and covered with paintings of all sizes, shapes, and color, waiting to be seated. The place was busy tonight. Many people around us were waiting for their names to be called. Edward had walked up to the host podium and given his name. The host called him 'Mr. Masen' and promised just a few short minutes to wait.

"Are you sure we were four minutes behind?" I asked with a smirk. "It looks like we surprised your host by being a few minutes early..."

He tapped his wrist once and winked. "My watch sucks."

As the lobby filled with more people and more noise, I felt Edward place his hand on my lower back, guiding me out of the way of the chaos and closer to him. Although the movement was subtle and graceful, the closeness of him was enough to put me on high alert. He hand was so warm. Gentle. Cautious. It was hard to keep my composure when all I really wanted was for him to kiss me like he did the other night. Again and again.

Easy, Bella.

My eyes drifted upwards and suddenly they were caught in his. He was searching me, measuring my comfort level, the whisper of a smile on his mouth. I let my shoulders relax and soon his did too. I couldn't keep his gaze as long as I wanted to. There were so many people filling in the little lobby and the noises and conversations drifted through ours whether we were intentionally eavesdropping or not.

I watched Edward's jaw clench as the chaos in the lobby increased. His hand dropped from my back once to rake its way through his copper hair. He was annoyed. At one point a woman waiting in front of us, carrying on an obnoxiously loud conversation, stepped backwards and bumped into me.

Edward's arm immediately curled around my waist, pulling me into him. The woman turned around to apologize hastily. I waved her off with a smile, but Edward shot her a look that made her apologetic grin vanish and her eyes widen. She turned around quickly to rejoin her friends.

Despite his moody reaction, I was happily tucked into his warm side, and therefore couldn't complain one bit. I place my hand on his back, rubbing gently as I could feel the tension in his body growing.

He looked down at me once again as I did this and placed a warm kiss on my forehead.

Oh. Is this what it feels like when your whole body smiles?

I wondered about his anxieties as I studied the band logo on his shirt. I remembered him telling me that night after Eclipse that he had them as well. I started to think through his ticks. Large groups of people, chaotic noise...

"Masen, party of two?"

I was certain I heard Edward mutter under his breath, "Thank fucking Christ..."

I added waiting to my list of Edward's peeves. Edward Masen hated waiting. I smiled at his use of the f-bomb. I'd been waiting to hear it all night.

'There's my Edward,' I thought.

...**My** Edward? Jesus, Bella.

The host guided us through a maze of people past the lobby entrance and into the dining room. Edward was ahead of me, holding tight to my hand as we wove our way through the crowd.

The inner dining room was beautiful and different. The lighting was very much date-night classy, but the decor was full of various contemporary art pieces, all styles. It was a nicer place, but I didn't feel under dressed in my jeans. Edward had picked a great spot. A place he knew we would both be comfortable and yet, a perfect place for a nice first date. There was a bar along the right side wall of the large open room. We walked past it as our host seated us in a cozy little spot in front of large bay windows, facing the lit street outside.

I heard Edward let out a sigh of relief once the hostess had scurried off to seat the next party, practically slapping our menus down on the tables and leaving before we had even sat down.

Edward glared at the back of his head as the host left. For a second I was worried that Edward's mood would be sour for the rest of the night. But looking at the sneer on his face, I couldn't help but laugh. Both because he looked ridiculously cranky and also because I was praying he might laugh along with me.

The sound of my laughter caught his attention and though it took him a moment, a smile did find its way to his face. I gave myself a silent cheer. One small victory at a time tonight.

I was just about to sit when he offered to take my coat. I unbuttoned my jacket, trying not to fumble when I felt his hands come to rest on my collar from behind, sliding the coat off my arms, one finger trailing down from my shoulder to my elbow as he did so. I shivered a little at his touch.

I turned towards him as my hands slipped out of the bottom of my jacket sleeves. I looked up to find him watching me the entire time. When I'd caught him, he only grinned at me. Once he'd hung up our coats behind him, we sat down at our little table. Because of its proximity to the bay windows, it felt a bit more private, as if we were in our own little nook.

"Sorry," he said. "I forgot how busy this place gets on the weekends."

"I don't mind. It's a beautiful place." I said. "I have yet to explore much of downtown."

"Really? Well maybe if you don't hate me by the end of the night, we could do more exploring here sometime. I happen to be a local." he said smugly with a grin.

I laughed, feeling relieved that his wit and playful sarcasm had returned. We perused the menus, talking as we did so. I was eagerly learning more about him, little pieces at a time. I learned that he'd take a good pasta dish over a big steak any night. He thought the word 'prawn' was a stupid fancy way of saying 'big ass shrimp' and that raw onions grossed him out.

"They have a vegetarian section on the menu too." he pointed out. "I don't know...I just know you like to eat healthy and shit..."

He looked a little embarrassed after he spoke, unhappy with the way he had said it. His eyes were apologetic. I really didn't mind one bit. The fact that he remembered that much about me...the fact that he was trying so hard to please me...was adorable. It was obvious he was rough around the edges. He had warned me of that himself, but he was trying. That effort alone made me want more of him.

I laughed easily, letting him know that I wasn't offended or put off. You could see the relief replace the anxious, worried look on his face. He smiled at me softly.

A comfortable quiet settled between us as we looked at each other, eyes bright and hopeful.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"...You look...you look beautiful tonight."

I felt my face flush a dark red and my head dipped down, trying to hide it. I felt his hand cover mine on the table between us. The contact buzzed with an energy I was becoming more and more familiar with. It belonged only to Edward. I looked up at him through my eye lashes. The lamp lights from the windows and the soft light from the restaurant illuminated him in a way that had me transfixed.

He was beautiful. And the way he was looking at me now...it made me believe I was too.

Dinner turned out to be a lot more playful than serious. I was beginning to realize that Edward had this side of him that was a cheeky little goofball. We ordered our food and talked about a lot of different things all evening, the scenery of people around us unnoticed. Only we existed at our little table in the window nook. Talk of Alice's wedding came up and Edward launched into the telling of some ridiculously embarrassing stories about each of his cousins. My stomach hurt from laughing even before our food arrived.

Hot plates of beautiful food were delivered to us, making my face feel happy and warm with delicious steam. Edward let out an appreciative moan as he took his first bite. The sound shot straight to my center, my mind taking it out of context and wandering to a very different setting. One that included food and a naked Edward. I blushed at the thought. I'd never been this attracted to someone before. It was eliciting from me these new desires I felt I didn't have much control over.

Edward was turning me on.

I took a deep breath and tried to hide my blush, focusing intently on the food in front of me. But the ever perceptive Edward was staring at me with an almost smug look on his face. As if he knew what I'd been thinking.

Oh, Mr. Masen. Two can play this game.

I twirled a perfect bite of mediterranean pasta around my fork and wrapped my lips around it, letting out one slow, deep, breathy, moan and closing my eyes as I did so. I opened them to see the smug look on Edward's face completely vanished, his mouth slightly open and his eyes staring at my mouth. I purposely hollowed in my cheeks a bit to suck up the short tail of pasta dangling from my lips. Then I delivered my very best smug look, raising an eye brow at him as I swallowed my food.

He swallowed hard, looking everywhere but me. He fidgeted in his seat a bit before returning to his food.

I added this moment to my list of small victories for the night.

Before I knew it, it was almost 9:30. The conversation had erased the time completely for me. I felt relaxed and happy. Thrilled to be near Edward, growing closer to him by the minute. I soaked up his words like a sponge. And when I spoke, I knew he was listening. He focused intently on me. He asked questions. Even when the waiter would come to refill our glasses, he would nod his thanks politely but never interrupt or take his eyes off of me.

When we had finished our meals and become aware of the time, Edward insisted we had another place to go.

"Oh that's right," I joked. "You did promise me a weird dessert didn't you?"

"Exactly." he winked.

I let my eyes wander over the art on the walls as Edward stood in front of me, paying our bill. There was a large piece on the wall across from me that I could not take my eyes off of. The colors were so intense. The subject matter more abstract than anything else, but so full of feeling. The angst that radiated from it hit home with me. As if I'd shared a feeling that might look just like this. Could it be...?

"Edward?"

"Hmm?"

"Is that...is that piece one of yours?" I pointed it out.

His eyes grew wide and his ears grew red. He let out an uncomfortable chuckle, but looked at me in awe and confusion. "Uh...y-yeah actually. I didn't think you'd recognize my work, I've never shown it to you."

I looked up at him, cautiously reading his eyes.

"Esme showed me your piece for the silent auction at the hospital. Its the only one I've seen." I said quietly.

He looked surprised, and a little nervous.

"I usually let Esme just pick what she likes...which piece was it?"

Now it was me who was nervous.

"Uh...umm it was...it had uh..."

Understanding lit his features.

"Esme..." he smiled knowingly but without humor. "Leave it to mom to embarrass the shit out of you when it comes to pretty girls."

He took my hand and we walked out of the restaurant to his car. He stopped me just as we got to the curb, his hand in his hair once again.

"Did it... did it make you uncomfortable? Seeing what I'd painted?" he asked, wincing a little. "I'm sorry, if it did...I wasn't trying to...I just...I didn't know you would see it and..."

On the outside, Edward could wield the confidence of a prince. But these little moments reminded me of the wounded boy he was on the inside. While his stuttering was adorable, I knew he was really concerned about what I thought of him. Wildly insecure and unsure of himself with me deep down. He was..._scared_. Like me. I didn't know what had happened to him to make this so...all I knew was that I wanted to erase it. To take his fears from him. To show him that I'm not easily scared away.

So I did. In mid sentence, I pulled gently on the collar of his jacket, pulling his mouth down to mine. I kissed him soundly, without hesitation. I could feel his surprise, his breath drawn back quickly in through his nose. But when he exhaled, his body shuddered just slightly, then relaxed into mine. A deep groan escaped his chest, rumbling beneath my hands. His arms wrapped around me and pulled me impossibly close, our bodies pressed tightly together.

It was all softness and heat and lip and tongue. The feel of his fingers splayed across my back, willing me even closer to him. I felt wanted. One hand reached up to cradle my face, a thumb brushing across my cheek. I felt precious to him.

When we pulled away it took me a moment to gain my composure, but I found mine sooner than he found his. I had been trying to make a point. He was searching my eyes and breathing shakily, surprise still written all over his expression.

"Edward, I thought it was beautiful. The painting...it...it made me hope for you." I said quietly. "It made me hope that you saw me... the way I was seeing you."

His eyes traveled over my face after I spoke. He looked...moved. There was a heat in his gaze that seemed to set me on fire. And I knew then, that whatever this was between us...there was no going back. I was tied to Edward.

"I have something I want to show you, Bella..."

I didn't recognize it in the dark until the car zoomed closer to it, tucked away in the trees.

Edward was taking me to his cottage. He checked his phone a few times as he drove, which had me curious. The ride was short and quiet...but not awkward or uncomfortable. It felt like an important moment was being shared between us, and that one was about to come.

I felt my heart pick up its pace. His house. Where we'd be alone. Alone together. His personal space...

Somehow in a situation that would make me beyond nervous and uncomfortable with anyone else, I was more excited than anxiety ridden. I wanted to see more, and to know more about Edward. I wondered just how far he might let me in tonight. As we pulled into the drive, it began to rain. It was a slow, misty drizzle.

Edward was out of the car in an instant, and before I could unbuckle my seat belt, he was at the door, opening it and giving me his hand.

"We're gonna have to make a break for it." he said as the rain picked up intensity. I could see the water from where we were now, his boat tied up in its place. It began to roll about in the current against the pier.

I took his hand and followed him, laughing as he bolted around the side driveway and towards the back porch. I expected us to go inside but instead Edward was pulling my hand and guiding me quickly towards the woods on the other side of his cottage.

"Edward! Where are we going?" I shouted after him, over the noise of the rain. I was starting to worry. I wasn't soaked, but I knew if we didn't get to wherever we were going soon, I would be. My anxiety started to pulse. It was dark, I had no idea where we were going and the rain just kept coming. But Edward's hand around mine felt warm. As long as he didn't let go of me, I'd be okay.

"Just a minute farther!" he answered.

Soon I started to see something. It was a light, it was up in the trees, but it was glowing warm and inviting. It was surrounded by a bulking dark form. As we got closer, I realized it was a..._treehouse_.

We came to the base of an enormous oak, the moss covering its thick roots was wet and slick. Edward caught me twice as I giggled my clumsy way towards him. Above us was the underside of a rather large treehouse. I moved back just enough to get a better look at it. It wasn't like the sort of ram shackle, thrown together fort Jake and his buddies would have built together in the backyard. This was a well built shelter. It was the size of my little apartment bedroom. It looked like a mini house that had grown over with moss and leaves, sitting up in this tree. The windows even had blue shutters, some broken or covered in foliage.

I watched Edward pull out his wallet, fishing around until he produced the tiny silver key I remembered finding before I had returned it to him.

Ah...so this is what its for.

"Edward is there someone up there? There's light coming from the windows..."

"I asked Alice to bring a light for us on the way back, and a space heater for the cold."

Oh...that's who he'd been texting in the car.

I was kind of baffled by this. Definitely the most unique date I'd been on. I was absolutely fascinated with the treehouse. I was anxious to see what was inside. What parts of Edward might be revealed to me there.

And I needed to get out of the cold and rain.

"I'm gonna open the hatch," Edward explained. "Follow me up?"

I nodded, watching as he easily hoisted himself upwards onto the wooden plank steps, nailed to the trunk. I took a moment to shamelessly stare at his ass before I approached the ladder. The first step up was quite a ways from the ground, an easy step for Edward's long, lean legs - not quite so for me. Luckily I was able to pull myself up without Edward noticing, and kept up right behind him.

I felt warmth and light come over my face as Edward unlocked the hatch into the treehouse. As he hoisted himself up inside I climbed up closer, only to see his face and hands in the light, reaching down to lift me up.

He pulled me inside like I weighed nothing, sitting me down next to his where he knelt. He closed the hatch and pulled a rug over it. He rose from the floor and went to a little closet in the corner as I took a moment to look around.

I was sitting on an old persian looking rug, beside a tall, glowing, amber camping lantern the illuminated the small space rather well. The inside of the treehouse was mostly bare. The was a closet in the corner, two black bean bag chairs, various band posters adhered to the wall. The space heater had been turned on before we arrived, making the room toasty. I still found myself shivering a little, trying to adjust to the room. I noticed more evidence of Alice...between the two bean bags was a small end table with a single red rose on it and two plastic cartons, each with a piece of cheesecake inside.

I heard Edward chuckle, coming towards me with two thick blankets from the closet he'd been rummaging in.

"I owe Alice one for this." he said, helping me to me feet. I was just tall enough to not hit my head on the ceiling. Edward however, was hunched over as he came towards me. The warm lantern glow against his still wet face made his skin sparkle. His hair was damp, some strands fell loosely in his face. He unfolded a blanket and wrapped it around my shoulders, rubbing my arm as if to warm me up faster. I hadn't realized my teeth were chattering just slightly.

"I haven't been up here in years. I'm sure this place would have been full of cobwebs..." he said.

The two of us sat in our bean bag chairs, laughing as they squeaked and let out that 'pfffff' sound. He passed me a cheesecake and a fork.

"I told you dessert would be weird." he laughed.

"Nah...I'm giving you points for creativity." I smiled.

He took a bite of his cheesecake and leaned back in his bag. I thought about the two of us up here, feeling a bit like a nervous teenager, hanging out with the cutest boy in school alone in his treehouse.

The cheesecake tasted amazing. My sweet tooth was perfectly satisfied. But I was more interested in watching Edward, whose eyes were wandering all over the room and whose mind was far from dessert. I let him have a moment to reacquaint himself with the space. When the curiosity was eating me up, I finally spoke.

"Where'd you go just now?" I asked almost timidly. Afraid he wouldn't want to answer me. I had learned from experience now that I had to be careful about how much I asked and what specifically I asked about. I had to test the waters. I had to be more careful with him.

"To a very different time in my life, that's for sure." he scoffed.

I decided to wait to ask more. I looked at his posters, recognizing bands I myself used to listen to. Jake would always bring me new music from the record store when I couldn't leave the house.

I pointed up to the large black poster of a band I recognized.

"Ahh...good old Blink 182. How can you go wrong?" I mused. I saw a grin crack on his face.

"Right? Good old teen angst music at it finest." he agreed.

It became quiet again and I became unsure of myself. Was this going to be the downfall of the evening? Was this where it all was going to become too serious for him and he'd change his mind?

"I wish I had had a treehouse when I was a kid." I said, trying to think of what else I could say.

Edward hummed in agreement, putting down his dessert and turning in his bean bag to face me. Even though our knees were practically touching, he felt too far away from me.

"This wasn't just a treehouse, it was...it was a kind of safe house." he explained. There was a fleeting sadness in his eyes. Memories I had yet to know of were playing behind his eyes and I wished I could see them. Understand him.

I put down my half eaten cheesecake and wrapped my blanket tighter around me. I realized Edward was having an important moment here, and he chose me to share it with.

"When...when was the last time you were up here?" I asked. Edward didn't look at me, he simply stared straight ahead at the wall, old tapes playing in his head.

"I came here once when I moved into the cottage, after I renovated it. But only to lock it up. The last time I was here as a kid? I was probably 10 or 11. My parents stopped using the cottage around then."

"You must have a lot of memories here." I said. I was neither fishing for information nor discouraging it. I just wanted him to know that I was acknowledging that this space important. If it was important to him, it was important to me.

He ran both hands through his hair and looked at me.

"There are...many." He leaned forward. We were now face to face, our knees touching, his elbows resting on his. He let out a long exhale and looked at me, eyes apologetic. There was so much behind those eyes. I knew by looking at him that he had no idea how to even begin to explain. Instinctively, I reached out to him. Placing a hand on his cheek and leaning forward as well, to meet him half way. My thumb danced over his cheekbone in an attempt to soothe. To reassure.

"You don't have to tell me tonight, Edward. Just bringing me here is a huge step in itself...isn't it?"

He nodded once.

"I just...wanted to show you that I could try." he said. He let out another long breath. "I know I haven't exactly given you a reason to trust me yet. To trust this." he motioned to the two of us. "I just wanted you to know that...things are different with you. You...you're important to me, Bella. I needed to show you."

He lifted his hands to my face, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. His face looked pained as he leaned in to kiss me. The need in his expression almost heart breaking. He was so gentle as he laid his mouth on mine. Careful with me and the kiss we shared. As if this moment might shatter.

One thing became clear to me, as the rain pelted in rhythmic patterns on the roof and Edward Masen held me and kissed me...

It didn't matter if he was damaged and lost. It didn't matter if his temper put me on a roller coaster ride, or his past was even more horrible than I could imagine.

I was already in love with him.

Hello Everyone! I tried to make up for my last prolonged absence by updating with another chapter as soon as I could. Next chapter this date will continue and we will learn a bit more about some of Edward's history.

Also, I've been notified that This Heart Renewed has been nominated for the Lemonade Stand fic of the week as well as a Sunflower Award in the Best All Human Category! Holy wow!...I'm absolutely flattered and so thankful that people are digging this little story of mine. Vote for THR if you feel like it, friends. I'm just happy and honored this was even nominated at all! Have a fantastic week. Much more to come from me!


	14. Chapter 14

Bella sighed into my mouth as my lips clung to hers. I just needed to be kissing her.

All the time.

But tonight I was feeling more vulnerable than I was ready to handle. I felt as if I were on the edge of a cliff surrounded by fog, pacing back and forth, unsure of whether to jump or not. I couldn't see far enough ahead to know if I'd be jumping onto soft grass, or if I was just about to fucking rip myself apart on the rocks.

There was so much that needed to be said. And there were so many questions I had for Bella as well. The two of us so full of our own haunted histories that beginning to even tell the tale felt like the most daunting task I'd ever encountered. Even the baby steps I knew we had to take needed to be weighed and measured before being taken.

But right now, all of it was lost on me as Bella's mouth moved with mine. The kiss grew from gentleness into neediness. I could feel my chest pounding at the sound of Bella's breathing picking up its pace. Warm, wet tongue caressing mine, kissing me more firmly. A challenge my tongue answered.

I felt high.

Surrounded by the smell of her hair and the softness of her skin. A moan escaped my throat as Bella's hands tangled in my hair, nails gently scraping my scalp. I moved forward as her arms wrapped around my neck. She leaned back in her bean bag chair and I came to my knees on the floor, leaning over her. Her knees were now on either side of my body. I supported myself with one arm planted in the chair behind her head, and one wrapped tightly around her, pulling her chest against mine.

The curve of her...it drove me fucking mad. I could feel the want begin to accumulate in the pit of my stomach. Bella was letting out these little sighs, these tiny moans that just about killed me.

I began to kiss her neck, breathing in her scent as she arched her back, her breasts rubbing against me. I could feel my cock stiffen as her movements against me continued.

This girl was going to be the death of me.

I'd been with women before, I wasn't new to this. But Bella made me feel as if I was. Like every cell in my body had come alive. Every part of me engaged in touching her, being with her. There was always a half present state I felt with the girls I had taken home in the past. My body knew what it wanted, and it took it. There was an excitement in the spontaneity of it, in the raw sexual side of it. But I knew now that I had been missing something. I couldn't tell you what it was, only that nothing compared to this. I was here. This moment was all there was. And Bella felt as beautiful as she looked.

My tongue found its way down her neck, over her collar bones and clavicle. Then lower still.

But as I came to her cleavage, I felt Bella's body freeze and her breathing stop.

Pump the brakes, Edward.

I pulled away, immediately thinking I'd gone too far. Fuck, I ruined it. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I pulled back and turned from her, my hands yanking at my hair.

"I-I'm sorry...I didn't mean - I mean I did...but I shouldn't have fuckin...ahh shit."

I felt her hand on my back and turned towards her, still looking at the ground. I didn't want to see the disappointment in her eyes.

"Edward, look at me...please?" her voice was calm and steady.

I finally met her gaze. She wasn't angry, or disappointed. She looked unsure of herself and a little embarrassed, but she wasn't upset. My heart was ramming itself against my ribs, every molecule in my body sent into a tailspin from a moment of fear and embarrassment.

Why do I have to be such an asshole?

"I'm sorry, Bella..."

"It's okay...really. That felt...amazing. Y-you are...I just..." her face turned red and she searched my eyes. She looked like she was searching for the right words. She was considering them carefully.

"We'll take it slower, I promise." I said.

"I-I know...it's not that...I just..." she let out a sigh and looked down, holding her palm against her forehead. "Edward...I didn't want you to stop."

My breath caught in my throat.

When she looked up again, she had a defeated look on her face and that blush illuminating her cheeks. "There are just some scars I'm not ready to show you yet either, you know?"

Of course my curiosity spiked, wanting to see, to know what had happened. I watched her carefully, coming closer to her. Face to face.

"From...when you were sick?" I asked quietly.

Her eyes darted everywhere but me before locking into mine again. She nodded. She was biting down on her lip anxiously.

I wanted to take away her uneasiness. This treehouse was always a safe place for me, I wanted her to know it was safe for her too.

Before I could chicken out, I rose up on my knees and took off my jacket. Bella watched me, puzzled and curious as I unbuttoned my button down. I smirked at her, earning me a bright red pair of cheeks once again. I wondered what she was thinking.

Once I was just in my t-shirt I turned my arm to show her the scar on the back of my elbow.

"I got this from crashing my bike into my dad's mailbox." I explained. Bella smirked and ran her fingers over the aged, raised lines on my elbow.

I hesitated for a moment, swallowing hard. Bella's face fell as she took in my serious expression. I took a deep breath and turned my back to her, lifting my shirt so she could observe the scars littering my lower back. They were much uglier. I had one on my shoulder and side as well, but those stories were for another time.

"These," I said, referring to the small patchwork of jagged scars, "were part of my punishment for breaking that mailbox. I was ten."

I couldn't see Bella's face but I could hear the small gasp she tried to hide. The marks were old and most of them had faded, but they looked almost claw like. I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt her cool fingertips on my back, running over my past with feather like softness. The trail of touches she left on my back had my skin prickling and alive, all the hairs on the back of my neck stood at attention.

"Edward..." she whispered, her voice sounding pained. I put my shirt down and faced her again, sitting on the floor in front of her bean bag chair. Her eyes looked glassy as she watched me, waiting to hear more.

"It...it was...It was a metal rake." I explained.

"No..." she breathed. Disbelief coloring her voice.

"You don't have to show me yours now...That's not why I..." I started to say. Worried that maybe now she thought I expected her to show me her scars. I didn't want her to do anything she wasn't ready to do. I just wanted to show her I could try. That I wasn't going to run from her. And that this place was safe for us both.

I watched as Bella thought to herself for a moment before rolling up her sleeves and showing me her arms. In the crease of each elbow were just a few pink little marks, some raised, some old and faded. I had never noticed them before.

"IVs..." she said. It would have to take a lot of IVs to leave a trace on her skin like that forever. In some small places, it looked as if they had been yanked, small tears of the skin that had been raised. They weren't noticeable if you weren't looking for them, but now that I'd seen them, I couldn't look away.

What happened to her?

Her arms were lean and delicate in my hands as I reached out to hold them, running my thumb over the scars. For a moment, I couldn't even feel her breathe. When I looked up at her, her eyes were on the floor. I calmly let go of her and she wasted no time rolling her sleeves back down.

"When I was younger, I used to have nightmares and try to rip them out." she explained.

She didn't linger on the subject for even a beat before she was asking me about mine again. She seemed to struggle finding the right words, wanting to ask me but unsure of how to do it.

"Your dad...he just...I mean...why?"

"He was sick." I explained. I took a deep breath and let words pour out of my mouth, surprised when it wasn't as difficult to do so as I thought it might be. "He had dissociative identity disorder...basically multiple personalities. He was undiagnosed for a long time."

Bella was quiet for a moment before she spoke. She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, speaking from behind her knee caps with her eyes glued to me.

"It must have been confusing as a kid...trying to figure out when he was your dad and when he was someone else."

I swallowed hard and nodded, remembering fragments of who my father really was.

"When I was younger, it was easier. Dad's temper still flared up from time to time, but I think back then he fought harder to stay himself. At least around me. He was...he was a good dad."

I could still picture in my mind the good days we'd had at the beach. He would spend hours with me outside, building sand castles and hunting for treasures. It was his idea to build the treehouse in the first place.

"But by the time I turned eleven, he was giving up. And it didn't help that he was untreated. Then, by the time I turned thirteen, he was gone all together. He just retreated into himself and let whoever else was in his mind just fucking take over. And those personalities all had mental instability of their own. Paranoia, manic depression, bipolar disorder, rage..."

"H-how many did he have do you think?" Bella asked quietly.

"Only a couple...they all blurred together for me." I shrugged. "Once in a while I would classify a few traits and be able to identify the switch if Dad had one...but for the most part, he just became a monster to me. My mother was the one who was good at sensing who Dad was, or when he was transitioning to a different personality."

I took a deep breath through my nose and blew it out through my mouth, closing my eyes as I did so. I could smell the damp woods around us, the mustiness of the treehouse and the light, floral scent of Bella's hair. My blood was pounding in my ears, but I felt a strange sense of stability.

I was okay. I'd jumped and landed on soft grass so far.

"What was your mother like?" Bella asked.

"Beautiful. Stubborn." I said. "She held out for Dad for a long time - longer than she should have. She just wanted the man she fell in love with to come back. She wouldn't accept that it wasn't happening. And the personalities that had replaced him...they hurt us both. Often. It put both of us in a bad situation."

I could still picture my mother's sweet, sad, smile after Dad had an outburst. She was so hopeful. Even when he'd kicked the shit out of me and moved on to do the same to her. She'd often send me to Carlisle and Esme's for the weekend to get me away from it all. But I'd come home to find her more bruised and broken than before. I stopped going...believing I could protect her if I stayed. I was just a stupid fucking kid.

"I didn't start to get angry about it until I was a teenager. And even then, it was impossible to be mad at my mother. Not for too long anyways."

I winced remembering the last time I'd been angry with her. It didn't know then that it would be the last time I ever spoke to her. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Did Carlisle and Esme know?"

"I think they both had their suspicions. But Mom kept it to herself and begged me to do the same. She was so sure Dad would turn around. That there would be no need for the family to know. No need to embarrass him."

My eyes shut, remembering how cryptic my mother was on the phone. How her eyes were always on the look out and she spoke in hushed tones as quickly as she could. She kept all of her phone calls short. The more paranoid of my father's personalities was good at accusing her of things and punishing her for it, no matter how innocent her actions may have been.

I opened my eyes to find Bella watching me. There was so much going on in her mind, I could see it. I could practically hear the wheels turning in her head and it made me worry for a moment, that I'd said too much. The silence lasted a beat longer than it should. I grew uncomfortable under Bella's stare and tried half heartedly to joke my way out of it.

"Well, that's enough about me..." I chuckled with uneasiness.

"No."

I swallowed my laughter to look at the beautiful woman sitting in front of me, completely engaged in me. She looked shy, but determined to hold my gaze.

"I feel like I can't...get enough of you, Edward." she confessed in a voice that was small but firm. A small smile appeared in the corners of her mouth.

I stare back at her, in disbelief that she hadn't freaked out yet. That she wanted to know me as badly as I wanted to know her - good or bad. That she wasn't planning the quickest escape route home. The light from the windows illuminated her porcelain skin. Her eyes shone at me, reflecting diamonds in the light. I could feel the intensity of the moment we were sharing. It should have felt stressful, rehashing pieces of a dark history. And while I did feel tense, Bella was bringing that aura of soft, peacefulness to the little room in my tree.

And she was just so goddamn beautiful.

I came forward and gently kissed her forehead, lingering there to press my nose to her temple and breathe her in.

"I'll never have enough of you, Bella."

It was true. Everything about Bella Swan drew me in, made me want, made me care. And when she kissed me...all I could think was...how could I ever get tired of this? I'd only known her for a few short months, but the thought of Bella not being around anymore...I couldn't...I just...no.

No.

My nerves tingled beneath my skin. Each one hyper aware of Bella's proximity and also jacked up on the adrenaline of the story telling I so dreaded.

I knew I had more to tell her...so much more. My chest hurt at the thought of the confessions I would have to make that might make her run from me. I couldn't handle thinking about it tonight.

Instead, my burning curiosity about Bella was overpowering me. I wanted to know more about her too.

I sat back in my bean bag chair, a little embarrassed at how pre teen the damn things were. But I was close to Bella, our knees touching right across from one another... and that was what mattered. She was still curled up into herself, her chin resting on her knees now. She was watching me carefully, waiting for me to speak. She looked innocent and wide eyed. And I tried imagining her as a child, what her family pictures looked like. Who took care of her.

"What were your parents like?" I asked softly.

She paused a second, surprised that the conversation had been turned to her. But then she smiled sweetly at my question, remembering things I couldn't see behind those eyes.

"My dad, Charlie...I think you'd like him a lot." her gaze turned meaningful as she looked at me. "I owe him everything. He's a good man."

I could see that her connection to her father was strong. I had noticed it the night I saw them leaving the hospital. I hadn't gotten a good look at him in the shadows of the parking garage but it was obvious from how they spoke to each other how close they were.

"And your mom?"

She fidgeted in her seat and the smile fell from her lips.

"Uh...I don't know really." she sighed. "She left when I was young...maybe four or five. I don't think she could handle my...condition. I don't have very many memories of her."

"She never tried to contact you?" I asked. Unable to hide my shock. How could she just abandon Bella? How could she just leave her? How could anyone...?

"I got a Christmas card for a while...a birthday card too. I never responded and they stopped coming when I was around 12. By then I was...I was spending more time in bed...and I was angry with her for leaving my father more than I was for her leaving me. My illness took a toll on him...and he was alone all that time."

I wanted badly to ask Bella about what her condition was...but I could tell by her already vague answers that she wasn't ready to get into the details.

I had to remind myself that we had time. That this was only our first date. But God, I craved more of her.

I knew once I looked up at her that she could see my conflict... my want to know more. She swallowed hard once before speaking.

"Heart condition." she said simply. Her eyes pleading with me for more time. "It's a long story."

I nodded in understanding, looking at Bella in a new light. I had seen only her fragility for as long as I'd known her. I'd thought her to be delicate ...not weak necessarily. I knew from her spitfire attitude with me that she was far from weak. But I was beginning to see this other strength shine from her.

It was survivor strength.

She gave me an apologetic smile. "Soon." she promised.

"Soon." I promised in return.

The quiet between us was comfortable and we were easing out of our intense conversation. Somehow I knew we had both taken pretty significant steps tonight...no matter how small they may have seemed.

But before I could move on from this...I had to know.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"Are you...are you okay now? You're not going to...I mean..."

Could she die?

Her eyes widened as she realized what I was asking. I felt my neck heat up.

"Oh...no I'm alright! I'm not going anywhere. I'm very careful." she smiled softly at me. "You don't need to worry, Edward. But it's sweet that you do."

It was no wonder Bella took such care to eat well and to exercise. I'd figured as much from the way she kept her fridge and cupboards full of healthy items, and she kept a pair of running shoes by the door. I'd noticed them the first time I'd come over. She really was careful.

It became quiet between us and my mind was begging me for some relief. It was mulling over everything we had talked about tonight. While it was all necessary, I still wanted Bella to have a good time. It was a date after all. I was in the middle of trying to think of the best way to change topics and lighten up the mood when Bella did it for me.

I felt cold wetness on my nose that startled me from my thoughts.

I looked to find Bella smirking at me with a finger full of whipped cream from our abandoned desserts. Some of which was now on my nose.

"You were thinking too hard." she shrugged playfully.

"Oh is that right?"

"Yup." she nodded, a flood of laughter leaving her pretty mouth.

I swiped a large finger full of whipped cream from on top of my half eaten cheesecake and moved towards her, only making her laugh even harder. She had her hands up to protect herself, catching my wrist in her grip, keeping the whipped cream at bay.

But she was no match for me. I came so close to getting her cheek once or twice, but Bella was trying desperately to hold me back, squealing and squirming underneath me.

Then she did something that surprised the hell out of me.

When she realized she wasn't going to get away, she leaned up and wrapped her soft, pink, lips around my finger. Sucking away the whipped cream and eliminating the threat. I could feel her tongue swirl around my finger tip and my eyes almost rolled into the back of my head.

Holy. Fuck.

Our laughter stilled. My eyes glued to hers. She was laid back in her bean bag chair and I was over her, only a breath away. I could see in her expression that she hadn't originally intended to be sexy, but the heat of the moment was unmistakable. I watched her swallow the sweet cream slowly, running her pink tongue over her lips once. Her eyes were a dark, espresso color. And they were fixed on my lips.

"That's not playing very fair, Miss Swan."

She smiled sheepishly, but then reached up to remove the whipped cream from my nose. Her touch was gentle and almost...reverent. She made to bring her finger to her own mouth, but I caught her hand first and exacted my revenge.

I watched the blood rush to her cheeks as I took her finger into my mouth. I did the same torturous swirl of the tongue before swallowing the whipped cream. I barely had time to give her a smug smirk before her mouth was on mine. Kissing me firmly, the two of us breathing in each other as we moved our mouths. God this...this was everything.

I wanted badly to take her right here in the treehouse. To strip her clothes from her body and worship every fucking inch of her. To make her cry out my name. To feel her heat around me. I could feel my cock throbbing in my jeans as Bella's legs wrapped around my back and pulled me closer to her.

Jesus... _fuck_.

Her sighs and little moans were all I could hear. I just wanted her. I wanted her so much.

I was becoming more and more wrapped up in her embrace, the two of us sinking into the damn bean bag chair as the rain came down harder outside. Somewhere in the back of my brain, a tiny voice was telling me to stop now, before things went too far. I ignored it, soaking up my time with Bella's mouth.

It was a crack of thunder that startled us apart this time. I felt Bella jump in my arms and gasp at the sound. Both of us started to laugh. We took a second to catch our breath, our noses touching, eyes searching, before I reluctantly eased back into my own chair. We both knew we had to ease up.

It was not. Fucking. Easy.

I grabbed my dessert and finished it, trying to think of everything but the pulse in my groin. I saw Bella following suit and we grinned at each other knowingly.

We decided to wait out the rain in the tree house and the rest of our night was a rush of conversation. It was comfortable conversation, much like an extended version of 20 questions only neither of us acknowledged that we were actually playing. We simply couldn't stop talking. The questions were simple and light. It was a way to learn more about each other without necessarily jumping too deep into the dark stuff.

I learned that her full name was Isabella Marie Swan. Her favorite color was green and her first and only pet was a cat named Edgar, which her mother Renee took with her when she left. She had an extensive list of music she loved, and used to collect stamps when she was little. She tried to learn how to play piano once but 'failed miserably' at it. Fall was her favorite season, and classical music helped her sleep when she was in the hospital.

She liked to run early in the morning. She never went to prom. I got the sense that Bella was used to being alone and didn't always mind it. Much like me. Her first car was an ancient red chevy truck that she named "Beast." She always wanted to travel when she was younger, anywhere and everywhere - just to get out of her bed. She had yet to leave the state unless if was to visit medical specialists, which surprised me. But she seemed content, telling me she had quite the bucket list.

"You have a bucket list?"

"Yep." she answered. "I have two."

"Two bucket lists?"

She didn't bother to explain, she simply promised she'd show me sometime. I watched her shiver just slightly and wrap her blanket around her torso across from me. She felt too far away. While we talked I'd draped a blanket of my own around my shoulders. She caught me noticing her shiver and blushed when I opened my arms to share my blanket. She observed me for a moment carefully.

"Are you sure there's room for me on that bean bag?" she smirked.

I made a show of smacking the bag into shape in the space next to me, which caused her to throw her head back and laugh.

"See? Perfect." I said, landing one more elbow into the bag.

She rose and carefully settled herself into the little burrow I'd made in the ridiculous chair we were sitting in. It brought her much closer, her legs in my lap and her shoulder tucked into the space underneath my arm. I brought my blanket over the both of us and took a deep breath, inhaling the sweetness of her. My arm was locked firmly around her and she seemed to fit flawlessly. The rain continued to fall on the roof above us and on the ground below.

I looked down to find her watching me carefully. Eyes roaming my face and lips. The corners of her smile raised in a peaceful sleepiness. She let her eyes close once and burrowed even further into me.

"I should take you home..." I whispered, noting her fatigue.

"Not yet..." she whispered back. "Just a little while longer...please?"

She sounded so child like, so pure. And I was not about to argue with her. I pulled the blanket even tighter around us and felt her hand come to rest on my chest.

The steadiness of her hand there, the security I felt...was something I hadn't felt in a long time. It was like she was anchoring me to our spot, guarding my heart with her hand. Her body was reinforcing the fact that I didn't need to run anywhere. She was warmth and patience. She was beautiful. Any tension still left in my body was leaving me, letting go of me so that I could hold onto her.

I felt a sense of strength as she laid in my arms. I could protect her...I could. From our demons, from our pasts. I knew as I looked down at her sleeping face, that I would do whatever it took to keep her from ever hurting again. Neither of us had to be alone anymore.

In that moment, the knowledge that I was in this way over my head...didn't fucking matter. I let my head fall back against the chair and smiled at the ceiling until the hum of Bella's soft breathing against my chest carried me to sleep.


	15. Chapter 15

Those blue and white tiles are flickering past me again. Long tubes of fluorescent light flash as I am moved forward, rolling swiftly down the hallway on my gurney. Panic fills me as I realize where I am. Where I am going. I can feel the pressure in my chest and the scratch of my paper thin gown. Foot steps, voices, medical speak I don't understand.

Why am I here? Why am I here again? Oxygen comes to me slowly by way of the mask on my face. No.

_No_.

This can't be happening. Not now...after all this time. I've done so well...I've done so well...

I try to think back, to remember how I got here...but I can't. What the hell happened?

The words 'organ rejection' seem to make themselves bold amongst the garbling voices around my head. I somehow find the coordination to lift my hand to my chest only to feel the thick, flowing consistency of my own blood.

My chest is a gaping wound.

Panic freezes the blood moving in my veins and I can feel the warmth disappearing from my body, starting at my toes...then my legs...my arms...until there is a cold vice grip on my neck.

Is this what it feels like to die?

Somehow my eyes and mind are still working, looking around frantically as we come to a stop in front of the surgery ward doors. I hear his voice and my eyes seek him out.

"Who is that?" he asks.

"Sorry, sir...we're going to have to ask you to head back to the lobby..."

"Bella?"

And there he is, looking down at me in recognition. I want to speak but my throat is closed with ice. I can hear myself sputtering and wheezing. I taste blood on my tongue.

_Edward_.

He looks young. His face is still boyish and his frame is skinny. His face fresh with youth but his eyes still the green gems I love. He looks as though he barely recognizes me, but continues to ask if it's me.

"Bella is that...is that you?" he asks again. For a moment there is a flicker of doubt in his eyes.

Yes. Me. It's me!

But I cannot answer and the hole in my chest aches. What happened to me? My silence leads Edward to second guess who I am. He looks reluctant.

"Kid, she can't hear you...she's in shock. She's missing her heart...the trauma is too much for her to understand."

"She's missing her heart?" his voice sounds innocent, curious. Like a little boy.

What do you mean...no I'm not! I have one! Its just not mine...

"Yes."

"Why is her chest open like that if you haven't found it?"

"She lost it. It's her own fault. The one she had didn't belong to her. We removed it. She shouldn't have had it in the first place. Are you sure this is ...'Bella,' as you called her?"

"No...it can't be my Bella."

My Bella? But...but it is me. I'm still me...Edward...

I am startled awake as my mind forces me to consciousness.

A dream...Bella, it was only a dream.

The blurriness of my vision clears as I blink, taking in the faint light of early morning that splays across the wooden ceiling.

I feel the pleasant weight of an arm around me give me a squeeze closer.

_Edward_.

I let out a shaking breath as I finally realize where I am. I lift my head to look around. Edward has stretched his legs across the second bean bag, making the two of them together the lumpiest, most awkward bed imaginable. I am still curled tightly into his side, snug underneath the blanket he covered us with.

My eyes fall on his sleeping face. He looks so peaceful. There is a trace of the boy who I saw in my dream...but he's different. There's a memory I cannot place. A picture of him I cannot quite get right in my mind.

Out the window, the rain has quieted. The morning is misty and gray and still dark. It must be almost 6 am. A chill runs through me as the cold registers. The space heater must have shut itself off.

My dream lingers in my mind and the fear of telling Edward that my heart is not my own, swells within me. He was patient with me last night. But I knew he was anxious to know.

Besides wanting to keep my business to myself, there was a reason I didn't tell people about my transplant. I was afraid they would leave me. The thought was ridiculous to most, I knew that. I also knew I was probably wrong, and should try and trust people more.

But my own mother couldn't deal with me because of this. The one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally...left me **because** of my condition. I always wondered why...

Was it the cost of medical bills? The stress? The possible complications in my future? The fact that I wouldn't be normal until my heart was fixed? Renee wanted a kid who could do things. Who could live a normal childhood, go to school, play sports, go to prom...and that wouldn't be me.

And I worried about Edward. If anyone needed normalcy, it was him. My heart ached at the thought of him as a child. Of the pain and confusion he must have felt - what he must still feel. I know last night was only the tip of the ice burg, and I shuddered to think of the horrible stories I knew I had yet to hear.

When his lips and tongue caressed only inches away from my scar last night, I froze. Out of fear and out of want. And I knew then that I wanted him so much I had to tell him. Had to explain what he would see. But what would he think?

The intuitive part of me was sure he would be perfectly understanding. Impressed even. I was a small person who had survived a big thing - as he had as well. I was probably over thinking all of this.

But a small, nagging part of me, was throwing a shadow over the idea of revealing my past. Something was missing. Something I was sure I needed to remember, but couldn't.

I wipe the sleep from my eyes as quickly as I can, but settle back down to rest on Edward's chest. His breaths are steady and even until he feels me move against him. I hold my breath, praying I didn't wake him.

He simply turns his body towards me, wrapping his other arm around me. But as he adjusts, the bean bag underneath squeals against him loudly and he groans.

"_Goddamnmotherfuckingshitchair._..." he grumbles almost inaudibly into my hair.

With that, I cannot help but laugh. I try to control it, but my body shakes beside him and soon I feel his chest moving too...chuckling along with me, and I know he's awake.

I pull my head up to face him, resting my cheek on his shoulder and arm. His eyes are still closed but there is a trace of a smile on his lips.

His eyes crack open just slightly, heavy lidded and looking over my face.

"You're still here." he whispers. He eyes are serious and penetrating as they look at me. A look of relief flashes in his expression and I wonder if his dreams weren't pleasant either. I wonder if in his dreams I wasn't still here.

"I am." I smile.

The two of us stretch our sore limbs and laugh as the bean bags groan beneath us. I roll my eyes as Edward tries to apologize about falling asleep before taking me home. He tells me he can't believe he let me sleep on those "goddamn bean bags." His ears turn red and I know he truly is feeling guilty about it.

I told him it was really him I slept on, not the bags. And I felt just fine. That comment earned me the most radiant smile I'd ever seen from him.

He was so beautiful.

He climbed down the treehouse ladder first, warning me of how slippery the steps were. The rain had put a fine gloss over each one. I managed not to kill myself when I reached the last step. But I remembered how high off the ground the step was and hesitated for a moment to get my bearings.

I felt his hands wrap around my waist and lift me safely off the ladder and down onto the ground like I weighed nothing. Warm fingertips on the sliver of skin exposed at the waist of my jeans.

I turned around and looked up at him bashfully. I could feel my cheeks turning colors.

He took my hand and we made it back to the cottage to let Bosley outside, who was happily barking hello at our arrival. I couldn't even describe how content I felt in that moment. Arriving to the cheerful welcome of this giant puppy dog, while holding on tight to Edward's warm hand.

I couldn't pin point why, but this moment felt special and rare. A simple happiness that I could tell Edward felt as well. It was one of those ordinary moments that put a smile on your face.

I watched Edward's grin as he bent low to scratch Bosley's ears. In the morning light he looked sleepy and happy, unguarded. Free.

Bosley took off into the woods and Edward laughed as his dog's waddling behind disappeared into the greenery.

He brought me inside and the two of us took a few moments to freshen up. He in the bathroom upstairs and I in the bathroom on the first floor.

My hair wasn't too badly ruined and my make up hadn't smudged enough to look awful. I splashed my face with cold water and rummaged through the cabinet for a squeeze of toothpaste. I used my finger to brush my teeth quickly and rid my mouth of sleep breath. Once my mouth and face were clean I ran my fingers through my hair and looked myself over.

Decent. I looked decent. But when I looked at myself in the mirror, more than anything else, I looked at my own eyes. My face. I looked...different. Brighter.

Hopeful.

Smiling to myself I came out of the bathroom to find Edward letting Bosley inside. The clouds outside had cleared up within the hour and bright sunlight was streaming through the front door and windows, painting Edward in this golden light that took my breath away for a moment.

He turned to look at me, the rays of sunshine beaming behind him. I was hyper aware of the new level of intimacy between us after last night. I had feasted on the information he gave me last night. Even when I knew this was only the beginning of what I might come to learn about him. I was hungry for every detail he gave me.

Like how his full name was Edward Anthony Masen and he was an only child like me. In fact, though our childhoods were very different, they were similar in the sense neither of got to experience things normally. We'd both missed out on a lot of common kid things. He'd never been to a zoo. He never went to prom either. He used to collect pieces of colored sea glass from the beaches by the cottage. They were scattered along the window sills of the treehouse, along with shells and funny shaped stones.

When he was older and on his own, he finally got to travel out of Riverdale and spent some time in Europe. He studied at an art school there for a while, but made few friends. He spent most of his time exploring alone. It made me think of all the times I'd wandered off by myself in college. It seemed we both had become far too good at being alone.

He had a new favorite color every day because he couldn't possibly pick just one for the rest of his life. A perfect response for being an artist. Last night his favorite color had been chocolate brown.

When I asked him this morning what his favorite color for the day would be, he reached up and stroked my cheek with the pad of his thumb. I felt my skin glow hot under his gaze and his touch.

He answered, "Rose."

Bosley came racing over to me, his coat still damp from the outdoors. He really was the sweetest thing. I crouched down to run my hands over his ears and say hello.

"I know you have to get back soon..." said Edward. "But I could make you some coffee before you go?"

He sounded a little nervous and unsure of himself, waiting for my answer.

I nodded, smiling up at him. It was still very early and my eye lids were still a little heavy. As I rose to my feet to follow him into the kitchen I felt the sluggishness in my limbs and knew I needed to get home soon to take my medication. I usually took it within the first hour after I woke up.

I watched him rummage through his cupboards - which I noticed were mostly bare. So was his fridge. When Edward set a steaming mug in front of me, I breathed in deeply and let out a slow sigh. I was strangely calm. This morning had me content and relaxed. Maybe part of that was the fact that my fatigue was up a little, putting me into this happy sleepy mood. He was leaning over the counter across from me on his elbows, gripping his coffee close.

"Did you...did you have a nightmare last night?"

Edward's question threw me completely off guard. He had asked quietly, looking at me with curious eyes. I swallowed a sip of my coffee and kept my eyes on the table.

"How did you know?"

"I have them too." he said. "All the time."

I looked up to see him staring into his mug.

"Last night...you too?" I asked.

He nodded, swirling the coffee in his cup. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say something worth while. Something that would comfort us both. But I knew that this was our reality. I wished that I could banish the doubt and fear my dreams left me with. But I wished more that I could bring some small peace to Edward and his mind.

I leaned forward on my elbows and across the counter top, bringing my face close to his. I feel him breath out slowly as I place my forehead against his, nuzzling my nose once against his before placing a soft kiss on his lips.

The contact is so gentle. So gentle...

I had been anxious to kiss him all morning. I've felt a lot of things with my new heart. But nothing felt this good.

"Bella..." he breathes. "When can I see you again?"

I opened my eyes to look at him, our foreheads still touching. A strand of my hair in his fingers.

His green eyes were so full of an emotion I couldn't place. But I was sure I was reflecting it with my own gaze. I didn't want to wait until tomorrow or the next day to see him.

"Tonight." I smiled and thought about his empty kitchen. "I'll make you something to eat."

He grinned and kissed me once more.

We talked until the coffee had been drained from our cups and the clock said 8 am.

As Edward drove me home, I felt my body become even heavier. I knew I could have been tired because it was early, but there was a familiar feeling in my muscles and a pressure in my chest that told me it was time for my dose. It was nothing like it had been that night at Eclipse - that had been serious because I'd skipped my meds twice and then went into a panic attack. Now it was simply the fatigue that made my bones feel weary. Normally by now, I would have panicked. But Edward was with me. And though we still had so much to learn about each other, I just knew he wouldn't let anything happen to me. I closed my eyes.

I must have drifted off on the drive home because the next time I opened them, Edward was running his thumb over my knuckles.

"I-I'm sorry I..." I started to sputter as I realized we were parked on the curb outside of my apartment. I felt a little disoriented.

I needed my meds.

Edward laughed. "No, it's fine..." he reassured me. "It's my fault for keeping you out late and making you sleep in a treehouse." He looked up at me a little embarrassed.

I shook my head at him. Squeezing his hand once, I unbuckled my seat belt and opened my door.

"Seven?" I asked.

"Seven."

He stayed parked until I was safely inside my front door. I watched his car until it disappeared around the bend.

I dragged myself up the stairs and went straight into my cabinet for my morning doses. The dream I'd had flashed in my mind and I placed my hand over my chest, making sure it was all still real. That it wasn't a gaping hole.

I closed my eyes and banished the memories of my nightmare. I tried to replace those thoughts with all of the good things that had happened last night, this morning. With thoughts of Edward surrounding me, I buried my doubt for another day.

I ended up curling up on my bed for a mid morning nap in the sunshine, giving my body a chance to rest. The warmth that prickled my skin happily in the golden light felt comforting. But now that I had slept beside Edward, even just once, I found myself imagining his arms around me while I slept. No nightmares came for me this time, but I woke up longing for him to be there. I ended up sleeping for a few hours.

When I woke, I felt much better and headed to the shower. I was sure to shave every possible unwanted hair off my body. I scrubbed down with my favorite lilac soap and made sure to moisturize like a mad woman afterwards. Angela told me once that being a lady is about taking good care of yourself. When I stepped out of my bathroom, ready for the day I was soft all over and smelled as good as my flower shop down stairs.

I called my dad to say hello, which I usually did on Sundays.

"Hey kiddo," he answered on the first ring.

"Hey Dad." I laughed. "Waiting by the phone for me, huh?"

He chuckled sheepishly through the receiver.

"Well...you usually call around nine. It's getting to be almost one. I was worried, that's all. I'm your dad, it's what I do."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that Dad. I slept in late today."

"I'll say...Had a late night?"

"Yeah, I did." I laughed.

"Is Angela in town with you again?"

"No, she'll be around soon though."

"Oh, I see. Did...uhhh, did you-did you have a date?" he stuttered.

My cheeks were on fire. But, I was a daddy's girl. I could never lie to my father.

"Uh...I did, actually."

"Did it go well? Do I need to do a background check?"

"Dad, it went fine. Actually better than fine. It was great." I admitted.

"What's his name? Am I going to meet this boy?"

"Geez, Dad. We've only been on one date. Calm yourself. His name is Edward. Edward Masen."

There was nothing but silence on his end of the phone.

"Dad? Are you there?"

His throat cleared loudly. "What's his name?"

"Edward Masen..."

No response.

"Dad?...what is it?"

"Oh, nothin' sweetheart. Just sounded familiar that's all."

"Oh... okay. Well, he did live in Forks originally, so maybe you've heard of him."

"No, I don't think I have. But I'm sure he's a nice kid. He better be, if he's dating my daughter..."

I wondered briefly if Charlie knew of the Masens. If there had any been any records of assault or domestic violence. I didn't know enough from Edward to find out if there had been any police involvement at anytime.

But my dad's memory was razor sharp when it came to his work. He remembered the names and faces of every case he worked on. In a way, he was often haunted by them. If he didn't recognize the name by now, he didn't know the Masens.

He changed the subject almost abruptly though, which had me curious for a moment. But we soon fell into our usual ease of conversation and I didn't think any further on it.

The afternoon passed slowly - too slowly. I was counting down the minutes to when Edward would get here.

The sky began turn orange when I finally started to put dinner together. I settled on a stir fry recipe I thought he would like. My tiny apartment began to fill up with the heavenly scent. I realized I hadn't eaten all day. I'd been so distracted.

It was 6:45 when the bell rang from down stairs. I had to keep myself from flying down the stairs to my front door.

There he was, in all his perfectly tousled glory, raking his hands through his hair with his eyes on the sidewalk.

He was fidgeting. I thought of the anxiousness he seemed to have at the restaurant the night before and realized his anxieties must have been triggered a little. Although I didn't know what had caused it yet.

I opened the door, and his head shot up. There was relief in his eyes, mingled with a slew of other emotions I hardly had the time to read before he spoke.

"Sorry, I know I'm early...I just..." his ears turned red and he shrugged.

Oh. That was what the trigger was. He was nervous and anxious...to see me. Against my own will I started to laugh. How silly we were. We were so alike in so many ways. And because of that it was just ridiculous how worked up we both seemed to be in the anticipation of seeing each other. It made me happy to think he was just as nervous and excited about seeing me as I was for him to come over.

He looked at me bewildered as I laughed at him on my front step. And I couldn't keep from smiling because I was just so elated to realize once again how much we actually liked each other.

I threw away my nerves, my fears, and my doubts for the night. Locking them away for another time. Because right now I just wanted to kiss Edward.

So I did. I bounced forward and got up on my tip toes to place a kiss on his mouth. He certainly didn't object.

When I pulled away I could still see the surprise written all over his face.

"What was that for?" he asked.

My mind flashed to dessert last night. How I'd distracted him with a dab of whipped cream on his nose when his eyes felt too far away.

"You were thinking too much." I shrugged, repeating my silly excuse from the night before.

My cheeks grew red as I remembered the whipped cream on noses and fingers and tongues. I felt an increasing warmth in my center at the very thought of it. Edward's tongue swirling around my finger tip. The look on his face when I'd done the same to him...

Angela would have been so proud.

I pulled him inside with me and we disappeared up the stairs and into my apartment. He started to groan as soon as the scent of our dinner hit his nose. Of course my mind put his groaning into a very different context and soon it was hard to think about anything else.

Watching Edward eat had the same effect on me. The way he wrapped his lips around a fork, or moaned in delight at a good bite. He had an ease about him as we ate. I could see all his previous agitations leave him the more we talked at my little kitchen table.

When dinner was finished, I refused to let him help me clean up - no matter how many times he offered. I sent him to my living room to find a movie for us to watch - secretly excited to get cozy on the couch beside him. My heart was set on more of the kisses I seemed to be collecting like treasure.

But that wasn't going to happen.

He'd been calling out movie options from the living room while I put each dish away, asking me silly questions about each selection.

But suddenly it became quiet.

I tilted my head to listen for his next cheeky comment, but it never came. I set the last dish away and went out to the living room to find him frozen in front of my fireplace. I came up cautiously to his side, fear igniting in me when I saw how ghostly white his face had become.

I followed his line of sit to the small picture frame on the fire place mantle.

It was a picture of my father.


	16. Chapter 16

"...Edward?"

I blinked rapidly, willing myself to pay attention.

But my mind was stuck in a foggy memory, reliving the weeks after my parents' deaths. The constant movement around me. The house being packed up. The pictures all being taken down. Esme helping me gather my things. Alice holding my hand.

And the kind officer with the mustache who offered me his card. Telling me to call him if I ever needed help.

I wasn't sure right away if it was him when I saw the picture frame on the mantle. I hadn't known his name all those years ago. I was too comatose to really absorb too much information at that time. I studied the photo.

It had to be him.

Now it was like I was seeing a ghost. Except he wasn't a ghost. He was Bella's dad.

Bella's fucking dad? The fuck...

The photograph was professional looking, like it'd been taken specifically for an office wall, or a trophy case. Chief Swan was dressed to the nines in his uniform, staring back at me.

I felt Bella's warm hand on my forearm and nearly jumped out of my own skin. Shit. I needed to get it together. I wasn't about to ruin the night. I didn't even know how to begin to approach this. The only thing I could do was avoid it all together. At least for now.

"Edward...what's wrong?" I finally met her big brown eyes and her presence steadied me.

"Ahh...nothing. I'm alright." I shrugged.

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You look pale...I don't believe you..."

"Sorry," I said, putting on my most sincere face. "My head was starting to throb and I spaced out for a minute that's all..." I even chuckled a little and shot her a lopsided grin to keep her from doubting me.

Seeing my relaxed nature, she seemed to buy it. Her expression was still concerned though, and she put a hand to my forehead. I closed my eyes at her touch.

"You do feel a little warm..." she said, distracted. I breathed a sigh of relief as I realized I'd deterred her enough from the subject.

I didn't really have a headache, but I was more than ready to curl up on the couch beside this girl and stay as long as she'd let me. I was exhausted.

Sleeping on those stupid bean bags really fucked up my body. After I'd dropped her off at her place this morning, I didn't drive home - I flew. I was too wired to even bother trying to take a nap. I kept playing my night with Bella over and over again in my head. She didn't leave my mind all day. I sketched. I painted. I even took Bosley for a run. Anything to kill the time until I could come and see her again.

"Should I get you some advil? Water?" she searched my face. I gently shook my head no, unable to tear my gaze away from her.

My eyes fell on her lips. They looked soft and rosy. I wanted to taste them.

I brought my hands up to cradle her face, my thumb running over the softness of her cheek. I felt her breathing halt as I brought my mouth down to cover hers.

All at once - I was okay again. It was a short but lingering kiss, and it was all I needed to bring me out of the past and back into the present. Back to Bella.

When I pulled away she looked up at me with rosy cheeks and a timid smile. I knew she was still curious about my reaction. She wasn't a stupid girl by any means. She was sharp. But her perceptive mind always left me some space. I'd thrown her off enough for now, but I knew at some point, I'd have to tell her about my brief encounter with her father. But for now, I didn't want to rehash the memories that came along with our meeting. In a way, it made complete sense that the Chief was Bella's father. His compassion was something I could clearly see had been passed on to his daughter. He probably wouldn't remember me now, but I remember him.

Bella pulled me towards the couch, stopping to turn up the heat a bit. The winter months had arrived. Snow had yet to really make an appearance, but I could feel in the air that it wouldn't be long.

We sat side by side, Bella with her knees to her chest once again. She tended to curl up into herself a lot. She sat close, but still did not quite touch me. I thought of the night before, when I'd had to invite her to sit beside me on the bean bag.

Maybe Bella was just waiting for an invitation. Besides the occasional initiated kiss, it seemed like she was unsure of herself in small ways when it came to affection, as if she didn't know how I'd react.

But she didn't know how much I craved it. How much I wanted her to be comfortable enough to touch me whenever - and however- she wanted. I had to show her it was okay.

I leaned back into the couch, putting my arm around her and pulling her close. I saw her cheeks rise up in a smile as she leaned into me. I kissed her forehead and grinned as she nuzzled closer.

We settled on watching some mystery drama on tv that we ended up talking through anyway. We stopped once to pop some popcorn, only to end up throwing it at each other more than eating it. She asked me once more about my headache and I told her I was cured. She didn't look convinced, but didn't push any further.

When the popcorn had disappeared and How I Met Your Mother reruns had begun, I found myself content with a dozing Bella tucked into me with her legs across my lap and a blanket across us both.

I let out a long breath and she hummed against my chest.

"Edward?" she said. Her voice had this low, sleepy rasp to it that I had to seriously work hard to not imagine in a different context.

"Hmmm?"

"I-Its not mine...it's not mine but d-don't...don't go..."

I realized then that Bella was talking in her sleep. I looked down to see her eyes fluttering a little, caught in some dream state a million miles away.

I didn't understand what she was talking about, but the fact that she'd said my name had me strangely happy. She sounded worried though, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out what she could possibly be dreaming.

I'd known she was having a nightmare at the treehouse because of the way she moved in her sleep, whimpering.

Bella slept like the dead. If she was restless, then so was her mind.

The clock in her front hall dinged loudly, sounding ten o'clock. Bella popped upward on the couch with a gasp.

"Shit, it's ten already?"

"Yeah...is something wrong?" she seemed panicked for only a moment, but her expression softened and dissolved into a calm but sad smile as she shook her head at me.

"No - I just...I'll be right back. I'm fine." she said, her eyes darting away from me before she disappeared into the kitchen.

I heard some rummaging in the kitchen drawers and my curiosity got the better of me. I rose and walked to the kitchen doorway, leaning on the frame at a safe distance, watching her. She pulled out a few pill bottles and one of those pill organizers with the monday through sunday caps on them. She looked like she was trying to hurry. She opened a cap and spilled a myriad of capsules onto the counter.

"Shit..." she cussed under her breath.

It was then she noticed me in the doorway. While she looked startled for a moment, she did not try to hide them from me.

Red, white, yellow and blue pills lay scattered on the table. There were so many. She was frozen in place, looking up at me with a pained expression, waiting for me to react.

Her eyes fucking killed me. Deep pools of more feeling than I could even hope to understand yet. They were pained. Embarrassed. Defeated. Nervous. Like she was waiting for me to run.

I wasn't going anywhere.

Instead of speaking, I made my way to her cupboard above the sink. I grabbed a glass and filled it with water from the tap, placing it in her hands.

She didn't need to be embarrassed. She didn't need to hide this. This was her reality. And if it was hers, then it was mine too.

She smiled weakly and turned from me to take her medications, downing most of them at once. When she turned around to face me again, she was blushing but calm.

Solemn.

"Twice a day, every day. Once within the first hour after I wake up and once before I fall asleep." she said simply, her voice quiet and even. She was having trouble looking at me.

My mind flashed to this morning. Shit. It had definitely been more than an hour before I had her safely home.

"This morning..." I started. But she saw the panic on my face and raised a hand to stop me.

"I was fine. I took them as soon as I got back." she explained. "I just needed an extra couple hours of sleep when I came home to let my body adjust."

She had fallen asleep on the way home this morning. I didn't think anything of it. In fact I had smiled about it, thinking about how pretty she looked with the sun making patterns on her sleeping face in my car.

"Shit, Bella. I should've...I'm sorry I-"

"Edward, it's alright. You didn't know. And I was fine." she said. "This morning was nothing. Remember that night at Eclipse?"

Of course I did. She'd scared me half to death. I still remembered the way her eyes fluttered as she began to lose her balance that night at the bar. The way she'd looked up at me when I'd put my hand on her arm to steady her.

It amazed me for a moment. How far we'd come since then.

"That was more than two doses I'd missed. It was only worsened by an anxiety attack. T-that was a mistake. I'm usually so good about my medication." she sighed and ran her hands through her hair. "My body notices when things aren't working with my normal routine. It's also... the real reason I don't drink."

She took a deep breath and I kept silent. Hoping the quiet might invite her to tell me more.

"These are for various things...mostly they help my immune system stay strong. They help with fatigue...anxiety...things like that. I can't get sick...even small colds can be a risk if they progress."

In my mind was an image of Bella, sopping wet on my front porch with my wallet in her hand, shivering cold. Her brown eyes wide and eyelashes wet.

I had no idea then how much she had risked for me.

She kept her eyes on the table as she spoke. She was nervous about what she was exposing to me. But somehow, I was lucky enough that she continued to talk.

"I couldn't go outside very much as a kid." she said.

Her voice was so quiet...if I wasn't holding my breath, I would have had a hard time hearing her.

"I was either in my room or in the hospital. When I was younger I was in denial of it. I'd try to sneak out...see my friends, hang out with Jake. But my body would make me pay for it. I was pretty young when I had to accept that my body would not keep up with me."

She bit down on her bottom lip as she finally locked eyes with me. She looked like she was holding back so much more, wanting to let it go. Her arms were tight across her chest and she turned to face me. She, leaning on the kitchen table, and I, leaning on the sink counter across from her. Her eyes were searching for something. For that safe place I was searching for too, perhaps.

I lightly pushed myself off the counter and closed the distance between us, standing as close to her as I could. My head bent down to look her even closer still in the eyes.

"Bella..." I said softly. "Whatever happened to you...as long as you are here now...with me...it won't change how I see you. How I feel...for you. You can trust in that."

I felt her let go of a stuttering breath. The silence was roaring and seconds too long for my comfort. I thought maybe I'd pushed too far or said the wrong thing. I didn't want her to feel pressured.

I was about to take a step back when she put her hands on my hips, stopping me with her fingers in my belt loop. She looked down at the floor before she put her arms around my middle, pressing her face into my chest. It took me by surprise, but I felt no hesitation when I moved to hold her to me. One arm all the way around her shoulders and the other cradling her head. She held on to me tightly.

"Bella..."

When she pulled away from me, she looked glassy eyed. She swallowed hard once before taking a step back from me. The distance felt wrong.

The arms were across her chest again, keeping her intact. It was like she was bracing herself.

"Late hypoplastic left heart syndrome." she said. "That's what I had."

A rush of air came from her lungs. I didn't dare interrupt her. She wouldn't look at me. Her eyes were in her memories. I wished I could see where she was in her mind.

"I was around two years old when I started showing all the signs. When the doctors finally had a name for it, Renee...my mom...was out. The left side of my heart was malfunctioning because it was under developed while she was pregnant for me. Maybe she left out of guilt...I guess I'll never know..."

The thought of Renee made my fists clench. How could she leave? How could she leave her?

"My heart had evolved enough to just barely keep up with the rest of me. And as I grew, it began to weaken even more. They kept me going for a number of years with constant check ups, meds, and maintenance treatments. But eventually it got to the point where I was often hospitalized with irregular heart rhythms. I fainted a lot. Had trouble breathing. I was more exhausted than any little girl should be. By the time I was fifteen I was living in the hospital. Could barely breathe. I flatlined more than a handful of times but they'd crash cart me back to life so I could wait...s-so I could wait for my new heart."

She swallowed hard and turned her head from me as she spoke.

"I was dying. At fifteen, I was getting ready to die. I knew it. My father knew it. I was out of time."

My chest hurt as she continued, a panic rising in me as if I was there in that hospital. Her bottom lip began to quiver and her eyes pooled, but she did not cry.

"I thought maybe it would be best if I did die." she winced as she said this, blinking her tears back and looking at the ceiling.

"What? Bella..." I breathed.

"I'd put my father through a lot. He fought so hard for me...I thought maybe if I just left, if I just wasn't around anymore...he could have a shot at being happy."

She shuffled her feet and leaned back on the counter once again.

"It was close to Christmas when I thought I was close. I thought it wouldn't be much longer. But some how...some how it happened. It was early in the morning when they woke me up for surgery, beaming about the heart they'd found for me."

She looked up at me then, a smile without humor on her lips.

"And all I could think about was who had to die for me. For me to live..."

The weight of her situation hit me like a ton of bricks as I watched a tear finally escape in a trail down her porcelain cheek.

A painfully restricted childhood, the acceptance of death at the age of fifteen, the guilt she still obviously carried with her everyday knowing that someone had died for her second chance. Her selflessness astounded me. She was brave. She'd fucking flatlined more than once...she almost died.

I tried to imagine for a moment what it would have been like if she had. I'd never be here. Never in a million years. I'd probably have seen an article in the Forks Newspaper, or heard the word around school. But I'd never have known her.

And I was sure, as I looked at this beautiful fucking human being in front of me, if that had happened - if I had never met Bella - I would go on missing her still.

She didn't know it yet, but she was saving me. Saving me from a past that constantly felt like it might swallow me up again. Bella had breathed this new life into me.

How could I give it back to her? How could I do the same for her? Help her see how amazing she is?

So many different words welled up in my throat and I found myself mute.

Bella looked up at me nervously, my silence causing her to doubt herself. I saw her retract from me a little, curling into herself once more. She tried to stutter her way around it and I cursed myself for not being born more articulate. I needed to show her that everything was okay. That I wasn't running.

That I...was falling in love with her.

Jesus. I really was...

The realization only left me more speechless. I hadn't even dared to think about it until now. But it was undeniably true. I was so fucking lost in her, nothing could make me run now. I needed Bella.

"I-I didn't plan on telling you all of this tonight..." Bella sniffled, her tears coming full force now. She sat up straighter, trying to reign it in and put on a mask of indifference. She looked hurt at my silence. "I'm sorry - I just...I don't know...I-"

Before I could stop myself I was pulling her to me and crushing my lips to hers.

Author's note: It's been a little while since I wrote one of these. I've been doing my best to update better. I know a lot of you were expecting a big showdown with Edward realizing who Charlie is, but I'm sorry to disappoint and say that you'll have to wait a bit for more of those connections to come out on the table. But don't be too mad! I wanted this chapter to be more about Bella's past. Her bravery and trust in Edward is going to push him towards openness and recovery as well - but these things take some time. And I still want them to have some really couple time as well as progress! Especially before shit hits the fan - which it will soon. Bella has told people she trusts about her heart and tonight she let Edward know how much she trusts him. The next chapter will continue in her POV and walk through some of what she's thinking without too much repeat. I really want you guys to see Edward through her eyes while she continues her story. Also - I did some medical research, but I'm NOT a doctor. So please, just go with it. I don't get many reviews lately and thats okay but please don't review if you are going to get weird about little stuff. I promise I've done my best to keep it accurate to the story. I'm really glad that so many of you are alerting or favorite-ing this story. I can't stress how much your reviews help when you do send them. I've had a rough couple of weeks and just knowing that someone reads my crap is really nice. Hope you are all well...sending love your way.


	17. Chapter 17

**I'm so so so sorry! I know! I know. I'm awful. But here's a fluffy lemony chapter to make up for my awful absence. I'm getting back on the horse, I swear!**

He was kissing me.

Not running, not stuttering some weird apology, or making up reasons to leave.

Kissing me. And not some little, wimpy, pity kiss. He kissed me good. Soundly. Firmly. Hands cradling my face, touching my hair. Gently. Lovingly. There was so much behind this moment. I could feel every bit of it in my bones.

I felt my eyes flutter shut on their own, rolling back into my head as I just let this wave wash over me.

I was okay. Everything was okay. He was here.

I'd been klutzy with my pills. The sound as they'd hit the counter had been jarring and out of place. A secret flying out of the closet and into the light before I was prepared.

But it was late and I wasn't ready to make up lies. I had no energy to be selectively vague.

And there was Edward, the man I was falling in love with, holding out a glass of water to me with patient eyes. There was no expectation from him, no pressure. And then it was all tumbling out of me. I wanted him to know because I wanted him to really, really, know me.

But along with that ...I wanted to give him an out. I was in over my head already. But if he wasn't ready for this, he'd need to know now. To leave now. Early on. Because if he didn't want me after this, then maybe all of it would just be gone - quick like a band aid - and I'd forget.

I'd spent too much time agonizing in real time as well as in my dreams about what he would think or do when I told him. I couldn't handle waiting around for the right moment anyway. It had simply arrived. There was obviously a tension between us when it came to our pasts. Bombs of personal history waiting to drop. It was as if the two of us carried around our own personal grenades. When we had finally let ourselves feel openly for one another we had each pulled the pin. And now I was the first to really let go. Nobody wants to hang on to a live grenade anyway, I'd imagine.

Someone once told me Love was the greatest risk. That made so much more sense to me now.

_Love_. I was in love with Edward. Edward, who was kissing me so wonderfully right now.

"Bella..." his voice was so quiet, trembling against my lips. "I can't...I..."

I froze as I heard the words, my breath captive in my chest. I pulled away and looked up into his eyes, panic in my veins. He saw my fear and brushed his thumbs against my seat as he continued to cradle my face. His eyes were pained. They became glassy as he looked over my face, my eyes, my hair, my lips.

"I can't imagine ...you...not being here." I could see his jaw tightened as he clenched his teeth and winced. He pulled me to him once more to kiss my forehead. I sighed into the kiss, relieved that 'I can't' had not been followed by, 'do this anymore.' My eyes were weighted with tears, and hazy with shock that Edward could care so much. That it pained him to think of me not around. Did that mean he could love me too?

His lips came to a gentle pace, tracing each cheek, each side of my forehead, and then my lips once more. He held me tightly, pulling away only just enough to look at me.

"I thought..." I started.

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella." he cut me off, my thoughts seemingly clear as day on my face. "I couldn't if I tried."

I felt my breath catch as my eyes shot up to his. There was so much I wanted to say. Was he sure about this? About me? I wanted him to know, but now I was worried that perhaps my pitiful past would make him feel obligated to stay. Who wants to be known as the guy that dumped the transplant girl? Edward never really cared what people thought though...did he? Oh, God...Why was it so hard for me to believe he wanted to stay? I felt my mouth open and close several times, the words unable to come to me.

"But...I'm not-I'm not...I mean this isn't normal. I don't know what normal is...I don't know if that's what you need right now...If I'm...what you need..."

I would always struggle with my own worth...always. My worthiness of a new heart, a second chance...and this. Love. It was too much to hope for.

Edward silenced me with another searing kiss. When he pulled away I could feel his heart hammering in his chest under my hands. He shook his head, determined to convince me.

"_You_. You are what I need, Bella." he said firmly. "I need you too fucking much already. I don't need normal. Christ...I don't know what the hell it is either..."

He took a second to breathe and looked away from me for only a moment. My throat was thick with a sob I couldn't let out.

"I need you to believe me when I tell you that I want this. That I want you. All of you. Scars and all." he searched me, using his thumb to wipe a tear from my cheek. "Do you believe me, Bella?"

Deep green eyes, begging me - pleading with me to say yes. Hands on me, one around my waist now, and one gently holding my face. Soft smile - sure, steady.

"Please say that you do." he breathed, his forehead against mine. "Because I need you...I need you to believe me when I tell you that I'm falling in love with you."

I felt as if my chest would burst open in that moment. My eyes went wide as I looked at his - now vulnerable but hopeful looking back at me. He swallowed hard, but never broke his gaze.

_What?_

Silence stretched between us. Soon the hopefulness of his searching stare turned to nervous embarrassment.

"Edward..." the sound a mere breath on my lips. I was searching for the words to say, stunned entirely at what he had just admitted.

His eyes fell from mine to the floor.

Speak, Bella. You are going to ruin this.

"I-I..."

I felt his arms loosen from around me and he pulled back just a bit. But the distance felt so enormous and far too real.

"You don't have to say anything...I just...I shouldn't have...I'm-I'm sorry, Bella..."

"Edward..."

"It's soon, I know...it's too soon..." He backed up from me and leaned back on the opposite counter, putting miles between us now. No. No. _No_. He raked his hand through his hair, unable to look at me.

"_Edward_..."

I flew to him, closing the space between us quickly. My hands lifted themselves to his, removing them from his copper brown locks. I held onto them tightly as I put my hand on his cheek.

"Hey...look at me..." I said softly, moving until I caught his eyes once more. His ears were red and his jaw was taught. He was trying to hide from me.

I took one of his hands and placed it on my own cheek once more, leaning into the warmth of his touch. His gaze softened as he looked down at me. I took his other hand and placed it on the center of my chest, right over my scar. I'd thrown a thicker cardigan on over a thin night shirt earlier in the evening. It hand come open by now and without a doubt, I knew he could feel the thin ridge of my scar beneath the fabric against his palm.

His breath halted as his eyes flicked down to our hands and back up to my face once more.

I'd never done this. Never willingly let someone touch me here. Not this way.

"Bella..." he breathed.

I felt my eyes well once again with tears. Without having to say anything, we both knew that this was the most intimate moment we had ever shared. He had bared his soul and now I was baring mine.

"Say it again..." I whispered, unable to do anything but smile up at him through the tears now freely streaming down my face. "Tell me again - I believe you. I believe you, I swear." My words shaking with my voice as I spoke.

A glow of awe and relief came over him as he looked down at me. I couldn't stop smiling. My cheeks hurt and my eyes felt swollen, but I could have sworn my feet were no longer touching the ground.

"Bella..." he said softly, his words focused and sure. "I'm in love with you."

I small cry of joy escaped my throat and I reached up on my tip toes to kiss him. My arms wrapped around his neck and my hands found purchase in his hair. I could feel myself become enclosed once again in his embrace, strong and steady around me. I pressed myself against him, feeling like our closeness could never be close enough. I was overwhelmed with happiness and relief. Comfort. Joy.

It had never felt like this. I felt so..._safe_. I had finally let down my walls enough to really try. To give Edward the hidden pieces of me I'd been terrified to reveal. And he was here. Loving me.

_Loving me_.

I didn't know how this had happened, but the gratitude overflowed within me. I felt like my whole being was filling up with golden light and pouring out of me.

Edward was kissing me back soundly, his movements so strong and so gentle all at once. We kissed with our whole bodies, not just our mouths. I could feel heat beginning to build and twist in my stomach as I felt the lean muscles of his body pressed against me. My hands clutched the fabric of his shirt, fingertips gripping him as if he would disappear. This couldn't be real. Could it?

All the tension, all the stress, all the trials we had yet to face - it all disappeared. Nothing but this mattered.

I felt Edward's hands on my hips as he guided us back against the counter behind me, never disconnecting from our kiss as he moved. The softness of his his mouth mixed with the gentle but firm pressure of his kisses was almost too much. And the way his tongue moved on mine...I could feel the warmth spread from my belly down to my core.

I let out a little yelp as his hands lifted me up onto the counter. My legs naturally wrapped around his waist to pull him closer to me. I couldn't stop touching him. My hands wandered the broad expanse of his shoulders, tangled in his hair, trailed down his neck and back. It wasn't enough. Never enough.

My heart was pounding and the sound of our ragged breathing filled my ears and made my entire body fill with heat. Every sense and cell was ignited. Edward's hands were driving me mad, running trails up my sides, my neck, entwining in my hair, cradling my face, moving along my thighs. The pressure of his hand on my lower back pressed my arching body into him and made my eyes roll back into my head.

My head fell backwards as his lips moved to my jaw and then to my neck, sending shivers down my spine. Hot, wet, kisses down my neck and over my collar bone. I felt a low moan escape my throat as his tongue swirled over my clavicle.

"I should stop..." he panted against my neck, stopping only to speak and then kissing me again. "You don't know what you're doing to me, Bella."

"Don't...don't stop." I said, trying hard to calm my own breaths.

He pulled back and searched my eyes, looking for me to confirm what I'd said. Looking for reassurance. I ran my thumb across his cheek and looked at him with all the love I could feel pulsing in my heart and running through my veins. An unspeakably beautiful thing blooming inside of me.

"_Stay_." I said, my voice barely more than a whisper. "I'm in love with you too, Edward. Please. _Stay._"

It was the smile in his eyes that was the most beautiful thing. He shut them for a moment, as if relishing in my words. In my request. In my admission. He leaned forward to rest his head against mine, his nose brushing mine softly.

When he opened his eyes again, they shone with a different hue. The green was darker, thick with love, but heavy with want. My whole body shivered in response. With one look, I was undone.

He grinned crookedly at me as he reached around me, lifting me by my ass into his arms. I clung to him, feeling weightless in his hold as he walked to the light switch and turned off the living room and kitchen lights. The blue hue of a new winter moon shone through my windows as he walked us to my bedroom.

A calm settled over me as he came to my bed, stopping to kiss me slowly, lavishly, before lowering me down to my feet. We stood before each other in the blue light and just breathed in and out for a moment, noses pressed close to one another's.

After a moment I pulled back, biting my lip and hardly hiding a grin as I lifted my hands in the air, giving him permission with my eyes to remove my shirt. To remove the barriers between us. There would be no more hiding. Not for me.

My skin prickled at the feel of his fingertips on the hem of my t-shirt, sliding the fabric up and over my head. I kept my eyes closed for a moment as a split second of fear hit me. Now he would see everything. Even under the pale pink cotton of my bra, my history was written on my skin. I couldn't look at his expression, despite my trust in him. It was my instinct to look away.

It was his lips on each eye lid that prompted me to open my eyes again to look at him. And my curiosity got the better of me. What did he see?

He looked over me in awe. Not in disgust, not in repulse, but in wonder. In reverence. He lifted his own shirt over his head and displayed his own set of scars. We stood in front of each other, eyes working over old wounds. I was taking in the glorious sight of him. His torso was long and lean, not overly muscular, but toned and strong. The way his hips disappeared into his jeans along with that trail of dark hair from his belly button was down right sinful. His arms and shoulders were built with hard work. The stability of his forearms, his hands, filled me with a sense of security. These were arms that would catch me. Hold me. Love me.

My hands reached up to trace the scar on his side. His breath stuttered and I looked up into pained eyes. But he did not move or pull away. He simply watched me, letting me touch him while his fingers played with the ends of my hair. My hands splayed over the soft heat of his skin and I felt his breathing steady, even as our hearts were beating with excitement.

I looked up into his eyes and let my hands fall away, reaching back behind me to unfasten my bra. I was safe here, with him. I could do this.

Most times I'd made love, I'd insisted on keeping my bra on and could not stand even the light of a digital clock in the room. Because of this, most men I'd been with became disinterested in me rather quickly. But this felt like a different world. Here, completely naked, illuminated by bright moon light, my fears were quelled with his loving gaze, his reassuring smile.

I let the bra fall to the floor finally, revealing the entirety of my scar as well as my bare breasts. I took in a shallow breath and felt my eyes well up once more as Edward looked at me.

"Beautiful..." he breathed, shaking his head at me. "So fucking beautiful..."

His use of the f word sent a spike of heat to my core. It didn't come across as crude or immature. It was just so...Edward. It emphasized his sincerity and immediately brought a smile to my face.

Not to mention, it turned me the hell on.

He reached out to me and I shuddered as he ran his hand down the length of my scar. I felt him pull me close to him, his fingers splayed down my back as he bent down and kissed the very center of my chest. A lingering, poignant kiss on the piece of me I had lost. The same piece of me that had been renewed, and was now fluttering wildly with new life.

He pulled away and looked up at me, his eyes marking the significance of the moment as he ran the back of his knuckles down my cheek. I closed my eyes and leaned into his touch, accompanied by a long, languid kiss. He pulled me forward and against him, our bare fronts pressed against each other. The sensation was thrilling and new. One hand held the back of my head and the other moved down to my lower back, and then lower still, cupping my ass just slightly. I was beginning to ache for him.

His mouth moved to my neck, his tongue making hot, wet paths down to my chest. My nipples tightened and hardened to pink peaks under his hands - and then his mouth. A breathy moan escaped me as I felt his warm mouth envelope a taught nipple. His tongue swirling and provoking one small peak while his hands flowed over the soft swell of the other. I couldn't control my breathing as the sensation washed over me. I could feel the wetness begin to spread between my legs.

Edward's mouth lavished both breasts with attention as he moved down my body and actually came to his knees before me. He mouth trailing down my scar once more and then to my abdomen as he reached kneeling position on the floor. He kissed across my stomach with his hands on my hips. My fingers found their way through his hair as my skin prickled to attention.

He stopped and looked up at me, guiding me backwards until my knees hit the bed behind me. He laid me down with gentle hands and rested his palms on my thighs as he knelt between my legs.

He sought my permission with his eyes as he found his way to the waist of my pants. Soon I was in nothing but my panties, laid out before him.

He leaned forward and kissed below my belly button. The feel of his breath against my skin was torture as he began to lower my panties down my legs and off of me completely. I swallowed hard, not used to being this vulnerable and exposed in front of anyone before - but loving the fact that it was Edward in front of me right now.

He kissed the inside of each knee, gently prompting them apart. His open mouth breathed trails of kisses up the inside of each thigh. I was almost embarrassed at the way I was panting, needing him so.

"Bella, you have no idea how much I've wanted this...how much I want you." he said, his voice taking on a low husky tone that melted my insides. He kept his eyes locked on mine as his he lowered his mouth to me. His mouth...God...his mouth. I felt my hips lurch in surprise as his lips met my folds. They lurched again when his tongue found the spot that was my undoing.

His hands wrapped around my thighs, holding me in place while his magic tongue slid and flicked and lapped at me. The sight of him between my thighs was more erotic than I could handle. Tension built and coiled up in my core. My legs trembled as I felt myself getting closer and closer. I could hear myself letting out the breathy sounds and bending notes of moaning pleasure. The sound only seemed to spur Edward on.

It was the humming sound he let out of his mouth that sent me over the edge. The vibration of sound against my clit wrecked me, causing my legs and hips to jerk and squirm beneath him. The strength of my orgasm left me shaking.

"_E-Edward._..."

He crawled up my body, his strong arms encasing me in a firm hold against him. My breasts were pressed upward against his chest, my back arching to meet him. My body was still trembling slightly with the aftermath of my orgasm as he let his weight down just slightly on top of me. With my legs on either side of his body, I could now feel his hardness pressing against me through his jeans. I needed him. Badly.

He kissed me as he held me, letting his tongue meet mine again, and bringing with him the taste of me. My senses were reeling as I brought my hands down his back and then around to the front of his jeans.

"Too many clothes," I whispered against his lips. "Not fair..."

He grinned devilishly in the blue moon light. With his knees now on the bed, he sat up and leaned back, watching me closely as my fingers fumbled with the button and zipper of his jeans. He moved to his feet only to remove his jeans from around his ankles, and then stood before me in his black boxer briefs, waiting for me to continue.

I sat forward on the side of the bed, bringing my mouth slowly to his toned stomach as my fingertips found his waistband. I paid close attention to his scars, reverently marking them with my kisses as he had mine.

These were a part of him. And I wanted all of him. Every part.

Slowly, I pulled down the last barrier between us, revealing Edward in all of his naked glory. His arousal was hard to miss, as it's size and length stood at full attention in front of me. With my little experience in this department, even if he was average sized, he was by far the biggest I'd seen.

I heard the word '_fuck_' escape him as my hand wrapped around his shaft and gave a tentative stroke. I was nervous. It had been a while since I'd done this. But God, I wanted to do it. The jagged breaths coming from him fascinated and excited me. And all at once I was aching again. I left kisses along his pelvis and inner groin as I stroked him. And when the right moment came, I looked up to watch his face contort with pleasure as my mouth wrapped around his tip, sucking gently.

"_Christ_...Bella...please, I need you..." he groaned. "I can't wait...I won't last."

He knelt over me on the bed, lifting me with one arm back towards the middle of the bed and hovering over me. His eyes softened as he kissed me, sucking gently on my bottom lip and biting down just enough to make me hiss with want.

He leaned his weight on me, my legs on either side of his body. I felt him pressed against my center, a deliciously wet, slow, friction beginning to build. Silken skin over the hardness of him rubbing between my slick folds. My arms wrapped around him and pressed into his lower back, urging him to take me. He kissed across my breasts before pausing to bring his forehead to mine.

"Are you sure, Bella?" he whispered. "I didn't bring anything..."

I was only momentarily distracted by the thought of contraceptives.

"I'm sure...I'm covered." I assured him. I smiled up at him as I felt myself over come with joy. Yet he still looked unsure.

"I want this, Edward. I want you. All of you. I need you to believe me when I tell you that."

I looked up to see him smile softly at the use of his own words.

"Do you believe me?" I asked.

"Tell me again..." he said.

"I love you..." I whispered against his mouth. At the same moment I felt him enter me, connecting us finally. I gasped at the feeling of fullness, completeness as he slowly disappeared within me.

"_God_... _Bella_..." I hear Edward hiss.

He is careful to rest his weight on his elbows as he begins to move forward, holding my shoulders from underneath me as he fills me up.

His eyes never leave me, our foreheads pressed together. Then our cheeks. Then his lips find my neck and light consumes me. It's never been like this...how has it never been like this?

The feeling of him, moving in and out of me is more than I can take. Hearts hammering, hands roaming. The sweetness of him as he touches my face and hair. Keeping his eyes on me as we rock. The low rumbling sounds from his throat as my body squeezes around him.

My eyes flutter shut as his pace increases, the fire raging in my core, the tension mounting.

"Open your eyes for me," he asked softly. "I want to see them when you come." The phrase is delivered without cockiness, but with a need. As if his release depends on mine. But the sheer dirtiness of the phrase is enough to wreck me. And I do as he says, looking up into his eyes. They are blazing just as mine are.

Our bodies begin to shake as we feel the wave coming for us. And when it hits, it takes him first. My name falls from his lips as he comes, shuddering inside me and around me. But before he stops his thrusts completely, he reaches down between us and strokes me, sending me over the edge. I am pulsing around him as I cry out, taken away by the feeling of this.

I can feel my abdomen and upper thighs twitch as Edward buries his face in my neck. He smells of clean laundry and the light sheen of sweat from making love to me. I inhale him deeply as I try to get my breathing to come back to normal. The weight of him on me is splendidly comforting. He is still inside me, twitching once in a while, as I am, from the aftermath of orgasm.

When he lifts his head, his eyes search me. A satisfied, radiant smile on his lips. He leans down and places the softest, gentlest kiss on my lips.

"You are more than I could ever deserve, Bella." he admits softly. "More than I ever hoped for." He strokes me cheek lovingly.

Before I can respond, he lifts himself off of me and I watch his perfect ass disappear to the bathroom. In less than a minute, he's back, carrying with him a wet wash cloth. We're both covered in a light sheen of sweat, and he holds the cool cloth to my head, my neck, my breasts and once between my thighs to remove the remnants of him. He takes care of me. He pulls back my sheets and scoots me underneath them before disappearing into the bathroom to rinse the wash cloth and clean himself up.

My eyes are heavy and my body is sated and begging for sleep. I can hear the faucet running briefly and my eyes become hazy.

"Don't go..." I manage to say, panicking only for a moment in my sleepiness.

His voice comes close to me and the bed gives a little as he gets under the covers beside me.

"I told you, I couldn't if I tried." he says.

And I want to laugh and cry all at once as his arms wrap completely around me, my back pressed against his chest. I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head once before I am taken away by sleep. And even in my dreams, my joy does not waver or cease.


	18. Chapter 18

It took me a moment when I woke the next morning to remember if last night had been real. Before I opened my eyes I breathed in deeply, still smelling Edward on my sheets.

It brought a smile to my face instantly.

The sheets felt cool across my bare hip. I was definitely naked. Therefore, last night _certainly_ had been real.

I thought briefly of our night in the tree house - only the night before. How I'd stopped myself from letting too much happen between us, afraid to expose to much of myself to him. How I'd had to remind myself to calm down and be careful because it was only our first date - no matter how badly I'd wanted him. How I'd realized how deeply I was falling in love with him in that little room in the tree. How scared I was to tell him about me.

'Do this right' I'd said to myself.

'Slow down' I'd said to myself.

And here I was, a day later, naked in bed with Edward Masen. My smile grew wider - imagining the witty praise I would receive from Angela once I got around to telling her.

If someone had asked me three months ago - before I met Edward - whether I would sleep with someone on a first date, I'd have blushed and said no.

But this wasn't just some date. And it didn't feel like a first. It wasn't like that.

It was Edward. The brooding, complicated, gorgeous mess of a human being I'd met in my flower shop back in September. The man I'd tried so hard not to like, but wound up loving instead. The broken boy who was still working at putting his pieces back together. His words last night, his total acceptance of me and my scars...I'd needed to hear it to believe it. To finally trust him completely. To know that it was safe to let myself be loved by him in the way I wanted so badly.

And he _did_ love me. I replayed last night one more time in my head before I turned over to face him and finally opened my eyes.

Only he wasn't there.

Instead my bare arms landed with the crunching sound of paper underneath them. A collage of pale yellow post it notes from my night stand were arranged into one rectangular piece on the bed. On it was a drawing.

It was me.

Stretched out as I'd just been. My bare back to him, my hair a wild mess of curls. The sheets tangled around me. Sketched roughly in pencil, I existed on paper inside a memory of the night before.

I felt a lump form in my throat as I took it in.

I was..._beautiful._ Is this really how he sees me?

Another glimpse of yellow caught my attention: a post it note with Edward's scrawl across it and a bold arrow pointing to a glass of water and my pill box on the night stand.

"_Had to run to let poor Bos out. You were too damn beautiful to disturb this morning. I'll be back with breakfast soon. You'll have to pinch me when you see me so I know you're real. -E_"

And then beside the arrow pointing to my meds, it read "_Don't forget._"

My face split into a wide grin and I fell back against my pillows and giggled. And I continued to smile while I got up, while I took my meds, while I showered. I lathered myself in my favorite sweet smelling soap, remembering each place Edward had touched me last night. As my hands reached between my legs, I realized I was a little sore. I wasn't sure what 'average sized' was but I knew that Edward was anything but average. The discomfort wasn't much though, and it was due more to my less-than-frequent sex life rather than his size.

Actually, I thought he had fit me perfectly. I could feel my face grow warm just thinking about it. And I wanted him again.

I noticed the frost that had crept into each window pane in the apartment and chose a beautiful, soft, slouching grey sweater to wear over a pair of black leggings. I was rather fond of these leggings when I surveyed myself in the mirror. They wrapped tightly around the muscles I'd built from running over the years, elongated my legs and made my ass look rather perky. Angie would be proud. I pulled my hair into a top bun and put on my long bicycle necklace. Put on some vanilla chap stick with every intention of kissing Edward soundly when he came back.

I surveyed myself in the mirror, noticing the new glow in my face, feeling new appreciation for my body. So _this_ was my body on happiness.

I took the post it note portrait from the bed one piece at a time, and reassembled it again on the inside of the medicine cabinet door behind my bathroom mirror, along with Edward's note.

I checked the heat in the apartment, feeling the chill of early December setting in. It was a little after nine in the morning. The weather was a little overcast for a Sunday, but pleasantly so. I was just putting a kettle on for tea when I heard the door bell chime.

I all but flew to the door and hurried down the stairs, anxious to let him in. I could see him through the glass window before he could see me. He had his thick scarf around his neck and a thicker jacket on. A brown paper bag in his hands and a portable tray with two styrofoam covered cups in it. His face was bright and relaxed, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips as he saw me at the door.

I opened the door and stepped back to let him in, completely unable to get rid of the grin on my face.

"Hi" I breathed, realizing that I needed to get my breathing under control.

"Hi." he smiled.

I shut the door behind him and before I could speak, Edward had caught the hem of my sweater in his hand and pulled me to him, laying his mouth on mine in one seamless movement.

He smelled wonderful. He tasted wonderful. And in a lingering but brief good morning kiss, I was aching to have him again. It was like he'd awoken some part of me that I hadn't been paying much attention to before. It was a whole new level of desire.

I was speechless when Edward pulled away. He chuckled softly and ran his hands through his hair, looking a little bashful.

"Sorry," he said. "It's just...well, I didn't get to do that this morning. I'm sorry I wasn't there, I-"

I reached up and pulled him by the collar to kiss me once more, sliding my tongue along his bottom lip until I could feel his mouth open to me. This was more than just a good morning kiss. It was warm and just wet enough to make my head spin a little. I heard a low groan escape his throat and it made me feel powerful - sexy.

This time it was Edward who was speechless and flushed as we parted.

"You're here now." I said.

An almost smug confidence bloomed in my chest as I smiled and took the brown bag from him, gestured towards the stairs and skipped up them towards my apartment door. I could vaguely hear Edward expel a long breath and start mumbling to himself before he followed me up the stairs.

I loved, loved, _loved_ that I could get him just as flustered as he could make me.

I opened the door and went to the kitchen table, setting down the warm bag and turning off the hot water kettle. When I turned around, Edward was still standing in the door way, leaning with his hip cocked and his arms across his chest, his body weight against the door jam. He didn't try to hide the slow scan his eyes made up my legs, over my ass, my torso, my breasts and then my face. He smirked at me and shook his head before coming to the counter and pulling the paper bag to him, opening it and pulling out it's contents.

"These are the best breakfast wraps in town." he explained, handing me a warm, parchment wrapped package. He checked the labels on each cup before handing me one.

"Coffee for me, chai tea for you." he winked. He'd teased me before about the ridiculous amount of tea in my cupboards, back when he had first started working on my shop front. Cheeky.

"Thank you," I said, humming in delight at the food in front of us.

As he went about unwrapping the food and throwing out the paper scraps, I was suddenly struck with a small bout of nerves. Were we going to talk about last night?

_Did we need to? I mean, should we? ...Should I bring it up or should I wait till he does. ...If he doesn't bring it up, does that mean he didn't like it? ...Maybe I was bad in bed... I mean I'm not a pro or anything_...

"Come back to me, Bella..." I heard Edward chuckle beside me.

I felt my face flush. My confidence suddenly crippled by my mind. I smiled weakly and took a bite out of my wrap, looking down at the table.

God, Edward wasn't kidding...these _are_ delicious. Despite how amazing my breakfast tasted, it didn't distract me from Edward's eyes, burning curious holes through my forehead.

"Where did you go just then?" he asked.

I took another bite of my wrap.

"These really are amazing..."

"Bella."

"Where did you say you got these?"

"Bella..."

I swallowed a small sip of tea, sweet cinnamon on my tongue. I gave him an apologetic look, as I didn't quite know what to say. Edward had a knack for reading me. That and I'm sure my flaming cheeks were giving away my unease. He sighed and set down his coffee.

"I should have been there when you woke up this morning." he said, raking his hands through his hair.

"Oh, no...that's not...I didn't..."

Wow. Use your words, Bella.

"Bosley needed you, I was fine...it's not a big deal...you didn't miss anything here, I just got up and showered..."

"No, I did miss something." he said. He got up and rounded the counter, placing both hands on my face and locking his eyes on mine. His words were delivered gently, his voice low and intimate. "Missed the chance to tell you how..._fucking amazing._...last night was. How it's all I can think about. How beautiful you are...How I am one lucky son of a bitch."

We both chuckled. I found myself letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding.

He placed a kiss on my forehead. "I could see the wheels spinning in your head just then and I just don't want you to doubt last night. Because I certainly don't."

I could only smile and nod happily, my eyes already on his lips. Like magnets, our mouths found each other. This kiss was slow and leisurely, but it simmered at a low heat that I felt in my core.

Now that I'd finally seen him, naked Edward occupied my brain completely.

My hands traveled up and over his shoulders to the base of his neck, the movement making room for his arms to wrap around me.

This. _This_. So perfect.

Edward hummed gently against my lips once before pulling away to look down at me. His eyes were happy and relaxed, an expression that was rare to his usual emotionally complex gaze. I smiled, knowing that it was me who did that.

"Can I steal you today?" he asked innocently.

"You can." I answered. "Where are we going?"

He didn't answer, only giving me a wicked grin and taking an overly large bite of his breakfast wrap. He winked at me with his stuffed cheeks, wagging his eyebrows until I bust into a fit of laughter.

The air between us was different than it had been in the past. There was no confusion or tension. No mystery we had to solve immediately. Just us. Laughing between delectable bites of warm egg and avocado and cheese. By the time I'd finished my wrap, Edward had popped the tops back on our styrofoam coffee cups to bring them along with us in the car. I threw on my jacket and a scarf, stuffing my mittens in my pockets at Edward's suggestion. He was rather adorable, making sure I was dressed enough for the weather outside. I knew that now I'd told him my medical history, he was extra aware of the factors that might affect me. It would take time for him to adjust to it, as it had me. But watching him worry wasn't bothering me one bit yet.

"You really aren't going to tell me where we're going?" I pretended to complain as I sucked in a breath of cold air and locked the shop door behind us. I turned to face Edward, waiting for me on the curb. I could see his breath in front of him as he smiled at me. Thought it hadn't snowed yet, I had a feeling with the bite in the air that it wouldn't be long.

"Of course not. If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise." he said, rolling his eyes playfully. "Come on," he said, opening the car door for me. "Its warmer in here."

Soon we were cruising into the downtown area and parking on a side street. I recognized the restaurant from the other night just across the way. Plenty of people were out and about in the crisp air. Above the buildings on either side of us, smoke rose into the sky and something smelled..._amazing_. Stepping out of the car and taking Edward's hand, I could hear the bass of some music coming from close by.

"It's the first Sunday in December. Every year they have a Frost Fest. I thought you might like to see it, being new to town and all." Edward said, winking at me.

I followed him around the corner and suddenly we were smack dab in the middle of a cozy little town festival. I could smell coffee and cinnamon and fresh baked bread. A kettle corn stand was buzzing with little kids just across from us. The block was shut down, tents with food and wine and coffees and crafts lined the road. In the center were contained little can fires, warming people as they walked to see the different vendors.

Every sense was reeling and excited. I _loved_ this. These were the moments I sent extra thank you's to the universe that I was here and alive and I could actually have experiences like this.

"Edward!" I looked up to him, feeling my own happiness beaming from my face. "This is fantastic!"

He squeezed my hand and smiled. Just the fact that we were here together, holding hands..._being happy_...I was so, so, _happy_.

Just a few weeks ago I was stuck in limbo with this beautiful man. And now it felt like we were finally..._together_.

I reached up on my tip toes to kiss him. He hummed against my lips. It was intended to be a short kiss at first, but Edward had caught me by my waist and held me up to him a moment longer, savoring the kiss.

I was certainly not complaining.

"Let's go explore before I change my mind and take you home to my cave." he said in a low voice, giving my ass a tap and making me blush. He laughed and took my hand again, leading us out into the street.

**EPOV**

I couldn't take my eyes off her. It just wasn't possible.

I'd been to the Frost Fest for years now, and it was like I was experiencing it for the first time. Bella's eyes were wide and child like at every vendor's tent. Each one of them loved her, smiling at her questions and her easy to please nature. All of her senses were working in full force.

Her smile was beaming as she encouraged me to taste and smell and sip and touch. Folk music played on the loud speakers, everything smelled fucking delicious. And the best part was being close to Bella the entire time. Our hands were locked constantly, and if by some chance they weren't, she would lean into my side or play with the hem of my jacket. It was all so foreign and amazing to me all at once. I felt like we were ...a _couple_.

And I was really more than okay with it. A few weeks ago, this would have scared the shit out of me. There were still a few moments where I felt a panic that I wasn't doing something right, but more and more those moments were no longer noticed. It was just me and Bella, figuring it all out, one day at a time.

And today there was no room for doubt, or insecurity, or bad memories. There was only us. Enjoying a day like normal people. It was important for both of us - to find our normal. It was clear that neither of us had normal child hoods. The festival - especially through Bella's eyes - became a blast for us. We were just a couple of kids all morning, exploring the festival and our time with each other.

Bella's story from the night before was on my mind. I imagined all the things she'd missed as a kid. I shivered at the thought of St Mary's Hospital. I'd only been there a few times but I'd hated it. Spending a few hours there was unbearable, so I could only imagine what having to live there while the rest of your friends got to play outside and go to school was like. I had recognized it a few times now, the child in Bella that would make herself known. There was a joy about her that made it impossible to look away.

And I'd meant what I'd said that morning when I told her that I couldn't stop thinking about last night. Bella had taken up permanent residence in my brain since the day I met her. And now naked Bella..._goddamn_.

I worked extra hard to control my thoughts as we wandered through the festival. Pieces of the night before were constantly drifting in behind my eyes.

The way she'd asked me to stay.

The way she'd pressed my hand to her scar. The trust in her eyes even as she shook beneath me.

Her breasts, her hips, the taste of her on my tongue.

How it felt to hear her say she loved me.

How it had felt to push my way into her sweet warmth. The way she'd gasped and moaned, panted my name. Her eyes when she came beneath me, around me.

_Fuck_.

When I'd crawled back into bed with her after we'd made love, she was this incredibly adorable, sexy, sleepy mess in the sheets. Her cheeks as well as her chest were flushed pink. She was asleep in minutes, begging me not to leave.

In that moment, I'd had no fear. No sorrow. No worry or want. I thought those moments were myth. That this was just what humans dreamed about and not actually what life was like. I made myself believe that I didn't need this. I didn't need intimacy. I could live without ever being in love. It was safer that way.

Bullshit. I was so full of bullshit. Now that I knew what this was, I couldn't imagine letting go of it. It hurt too much to even think about it.

I'd slept soundly and without nightmares, and when I woke up, I could have sworn I was sleeping next to a fucking angel. She looked so stunning laying there, better than I'd ever imagined on my own. I had to draw her. I couldn't bear to wake her, to move her from this spot. This spot I was sure I would remember forever.

I'd flown home, knowing poor Bos was probably ready to piss all over the house. He was an early riser and his jolly self waiting for me at the door. When I'd showered and put on clean clothes, I grabbed some breakfast and made it back to Bella as quickly as I could manage.

I'd seen signs up for the festival the week before and knew I had to take Bella. Sunday mornings were a beautiful thing to begin with, but I knew that she would love the fest. But when I got back to her place, the way she had kissed me good morning...

It was lucky we even got out the door. I was more than ready to have her again.

I continued to think that as I watched her bend forward to pick up some change she'd lost while paying for some fresh herbs from the vendor we were visiting. Those leggings hugged her every curve. I was struggling to keep my dick in check all morning long.

We grabbed a few little things to try and found a picnic table in the field across the street to sit with our loot. Some chocolate truffles from the tent on the end, two cups of warm cocoa, honey sticks for me and a cinnamon roll for her - which she insisted we split. It was the size of my palm and covered in gooey icing. Her first bite left her with a nose dipped in frosting.

"I'm so attractive right now." she joked, raising her brow at me. I laughed and swiped the frosting from her nose, tasting it myself. She watched my mouth and smirked. She knew my love of sweet things, it was no wonder she insisted on sharing her cinnamon roll with me.

"Always." I said. Her cheeks grew pink.

It was getting colder out and I knew it would snow soon. I watched Bella slip on a pair of thickly knit mittens and wrap her hands around her cocoa mug. She sat across from me but I felt her feet find mine underneath the table.

"Sweet sundays..." she said softly. "I usually make something sweet to indulge in on Sundays, this was perfectly sweet without actually doing the work. I like it."

"Thank you for this, Edward." she said, linking one mitten with my bare hands. She was so sincere as she looked at me.

"I didn't do anything that special," I argued. "I took you to a festival and bought food with you. That's pretty normal right?" I chuckled. Part of me was joking and part of me was actually curious.

She sighed a deep, content sigh.

"You know, normal is exactly what we needed - don't you think? Days like these make me feel...just so grateful to be alive." she smiled a little shyly.

Keeping my eyes locked on hers, I could only beam at her.

"You're not the only one whose grateful you're alive." I replied.

_Damn_, that smile.

When we finished eating, we walked hand in hand back through the street and over to where I'd parked. A couple friendly vendors waved to Bella as we left. She talked about entering the festival next year, maybe to sell some winter arrangements. I knew she'd do well at a venue like this. People would love her work. I could feel her press herself into me as the cold began to really set in. Just as we were getting to my car, the first snow began to fall.

We stopped in front of the passenger side door and Bella turned towards me, looking up with a leisurely content smile. Relaxed. Peaceful. Everything about her put me at ease.

Without a second thought I leaned down to capture her lips with mine. I hadn't had enough of this today. I'd never have enough of this. I felt Bella respond, slowly opening up to me, her tongue against mine. I pulled her tight against me, grinning against her mouth as I felt her mitten hands come up around my neck.

I definitely wasn't cold any more. The intensity of our kiss grew, my hands finding their way over her body. She tasted like chocolate and cinnamon. I felt her suck my bottom lip and then gently bite down and I was ready to lose my mind.

"Take me home, Edward." she said against my lips. Her eyes found mine and there was no question or doubt about what she was really asking me.

We were quiet in the car, but the two of us were ticking time bombs with grins on our faces.

Park the car.

In through the front door.

Race up the stairs and into the apartment.

Frantic kisses against the wall, against the door. Bella's legs wrapped around my waist as I carry her to bed once again.

This was different from last night. Bella was playful and sexy, laughing wildly as I curse at her damn leggings, trying to yank them off in one pull. She pulls at my shirt, throwing it to the floor once she manages to get it off. I do the same to her sweater and her bra, leaving her finally bare.

She helps me lose the rest of my clothes and lifts the blankets for me as I slide in beside her. The chill in the apartment sends us seeking refuge in the warmth of her bed. I'm drawn in to the heat of her body, needing it so much closer. I can feel my groin straining as blood courses through me. The thrill of her, the absolute bliss of her touch...it was indescribable how she moved me.

Bella's confidence begins to shine through as she moves her body over mine.

I can feel her warm lips and tongue, even her teeth on my neck as she covers me with her attention. Hot, wet tongue on my chest, over my nipples. Warm, soft flesh under my hands as she molds herself to me.

My cock throbs beneath her, aching for her. My mind is absorbing sensations and colors. The feel of her nipples straining against my chest. Arms around my neck as I hold her to me. Her brown eyes and rosy cheeks above me. Nose to nose.

My hands trail down her back, over her ass and then between her legs. I'm more than pleased to find her ready for me. Her hands have found me too, stroking me to the point where I can't even fucking see straight. All the while her perfect mouth moves over mine. Fluid, full kisses. Deep and intense, making my blood pound in my ears.

"I need you..." she breathes, the two of us already out of breath.

It amazes me, the way she says this and means it. I never thought anyone could need me this way, or any way.

And I need her too. More than she could possibly understand. Slowly, I guide her hips back until I can align myself with her entrance. She reaches down between her legs to stroke me again, this time, sliding my tip along her wet folds. I feel myself let out a low moan, almost a growl.

She'll be the death of me.

I can't even think of the right words to describe the sweet torture I feel as she sinks down onto me. Her wetness, her heat, consuming me and setting every nerve ending on fire. This, combined with the sound of her moaning softly above me. Her eyes fluttering shut as I fill her.

This moment, this first connection before we begin to move - it's incredible.

My hands find her hips as she begins to move. Slow at first, but gradually picking up her pace. She's a vision in front of me. Her hair down now, falling around her flushed face in mahogany waves, her dusty pink nipples, the motion of her hips. I nearly come right on the spot when I see her close her eyes and reach down to touch herself. I'm watching myself disappear inside her as her fingers come to meet me there and I think I might die.

I feel my need grow and I hear Bella yelp when I suddenly flip her over. My cock only leaves her warmth for a moment before I'm inside her again, thrusting at a new pace. The mood had shifted from playful to suddenly real and vulnerable as soon as we connected. I'm on the edge, feeling more than I can process at once. I feel her arms reach for me and her legs widen, giving me even deeper access. I reach down between us, stroking her as I move. I'm almost blind with want, seeing only her, hearing only her. Feeling only her. She's everything and she wants me. _Me. _

And I don't know why but I know I can't leave this. Leave her. I will never need anyone the way I need her.

"_Edward_...God...I'm - I'm..."

I watch as her eyes roll back and her body arches upwards. I can feel her walls tighten around me, a new wave of heat consumes me and I'm coming with her. The pleasure of it all only increases as I watch her writhe below me.

I _am_ a lucky son of a bitch. To see this part of her...no one else gets to do this. Only me. Bella is smiling up at me as we both work to catch our breath.

For a split second I wonder about the relationships that came before me. A flash of anger fills my head as I imagine any other man putting his hands on her this way. Involuntarily, my fist clenches the sheets beneath me and I think of James. This need to protect fills me. To protect, to hold on to...to keep from losing her. My eyes trail down her scar and I think of how I had almost lost her before I even had her.

Flashes of hospitals and fear and pain, the panic, the images of my mom. My father's face on the last night he was alive. The loss of it all hits me like a ton of bricks. It's never left me, but somehow its just suddenly _there_ again. I'd brushed the memories aside as Bella had consumed my thoughts, but it was never lost - the ache. I can't bury it with my feelings for Bella, as much as I want to. I knew that it would be time soon, to tell Bella. To trust her, the way she had trusted me.

I feel Bella kiss my knuckles, causing me to automatically release my grip. I find her eyes again. She looks inside of me, concerned but quiet in her observation. She doesn't pry, she only watches me. Her hands find my cheek and pull me down to her. She just knows what I need. She kisses me long and sweet before letting me rest my head on her chest and wrapping her arms around me. I turn my head to kiss the center of her scar and I hear her suck in a shaking breath and squeeze me a little tighter.

She's here. She's alive. And today we were happy. _Happy_.

"I love you." she whispers to me. And goddamn, for a moment a lump forms in my throat. "I'm not going anywhere..."

I can't even form words, I just hold her impossibly closer.

"Bella - I..." my voice breaks and I swallow hard.

"I know." she quiets me, her hands stroking my hair.

And I know that she just knows.

**HIIIIIIIII everybody. Sorry for the wait, my loves. And hello to new readers! I've missed you and I've missed this story. Real life apparently doesn't slow down and I'm terribly sorry I haven't been better at keeping up. I have many plans for these two and I can't wait to share it with you. A lot of you have made some guess as to who was Bella's donor...I have to shut my mouth from answering and save the surprise...I hope you like this so far, I'd love to hear what you think. xoxoxo**


	19. Chapter 19

It was the most perfect Sunday.

It really and truly was.

And now it was Monday.

I let out a long sigh as I worked on the arrangement in front of me, clipping the stems of some deep red roses. A new order had come in early this morning around 4am. I'd bundled up to meet the delivery man and loaded the back coolers with my new seasonal selections and a few other new plants. _Cymbidiums, dahlias, asters, clematis seeds_...There was work to be done.

I forced myself to do my week day morning run after the delivery. I had a feeling that once the snow really started to come down, I'd probably have to become a member at the local gym. But I was putting that off as long as I could. I loved the outdoors and the chilly air forced me to focus. I always loved running in the cold rather than the heat. It keeps the senses sharp.

When I'd finished and showered, eaten a quick breakfast and made tea, I came down to the shop and started early. I needed to do something to snap out of my daze, wandering around a now Edward-less apartment.

But my mind was lost in the day before and I missed him already. Though, even away from him, I was still grinning like an idiot as I replayed making love to him repeatedly the afternoon before. We'd come back from the festival, and I couldn't keep myself in control - I needed him too badly.

The first time we had sex when we got back - it had started out so playful and turned into this intensely intimate and raw moment. I wasn't just feeling him physically, it was as if I could feel his heart. I was still learning him as a lover, but Edward was passionate and strong, gentle as well as dominate when he wanted to be. He had this confidence with me that made me trust him completely in the bedroom - an arena I was still getting used to.

And then in an instant, I caught a glimpse of the boy in him - scared and unsure. He did his best to hide this from me, but I knew it wouldn't be long until I needed to know more about what happened to him. All I could do in that moment was hold him and let him know I wasn't leaving him.

The sweetness of him laying his head on my chest and falling asleep was so perfect to me I could barely stand it. I'd fallen asleep shortly after him, watching the snow fall like confectionary sugar outside and listening to the heater hum in the apartment.

...only to be roused an hour later by Edward's mouth and tongue, leisurely roaming between my legs. Which led to another round in my bed, and then a follow up round in the shower afterwards.

I could not. Stop. Touching him.

And it thrilled me that he seemed to be the same with me. After we had showered, we made a warm meal and played a pretty hysterical game of gin on the kitchen island counter.

"_Damn...you beat me again...what the hell..." Edward laughed. _

"_Eat it, Masen." I laughed, gathering the cards in front of us and shuffling. "Best three out of five?" I offered with a raised eye brow._

"_You're on."_

_I dealt the cards out in front of us, watching Edward eye his hand, and then watch me intently as he made his first play. _

_My hair was still wet from the shower and I shivered as I felt a water droplet fall down between my breasts. I looked up to find Edward watch the drop fall and then grin to himself. _

_My curiosity about him was always burning, and I found my mouth opening before I could stop it._

"_Have you been with many women?" I blurted, immediately blushing and staring at my cards, picking one to lay down and taking my turn. _

_Jesus Christ. Why do I speak._

"_What?"_

_I finally met his eyes. He was looking at me with a curious expression._

_Can't back out of it now._

"_I mean...I-I-I was just wondering if you've been with m-many women..."_

_Edward sighed and made another play. _

"_I didn't date much - or seriously- until I was in college. Even then, I was a horrible excuse for a boyfriend."_

_I put down my next card and picked up another, listening intently as he spoke, trying not to seem too concerned. _

"_I was detached and cold. My relationships were...uh...they were purely physical, superficial things. Convenient. I have been with several women. I'm not proud of this, Bella." _

_He looked so defeated as he took his next turn. I didn't quite know what to think, but somehow I was not bothered by knowing he'd been with many women. _

"_Have you never been in love?" I asked quietly._

_We stopped and looked at one another softly. _

"_Not before you." he smiled. "Never before you."_

_I couldn't contain my smile. _

"_If you don't love something, it can't hurt as much when it's gone." he said simply. "But now... I'm starting to realize why it's worth the risk."_

"_Me too." I whispered._

_Edward cleared his throat, as he rearranged the cards in his hands. _

"_What about you?"_

"_What about me?" I teased. _

"_How many hearts have you left in your wake, Miss Swan?" he said dramatically, wagging his eye brows at me, trying to lighten the mood a bit. _

_I laughed. _

"_Two. But I hardly think I broke their hearts."_

"_Really?" he seemed shocked._

"_Really." I said. "One was simply my first time, and the other was my only serious boyfriend. It's embarrassing to admit, but I haven't had much...um... experience...it's hard to keep a man interested when you're having sex in the dark and insisting on keeping your shirt on. That gets old I guess."_

"_So, they didn't know?"_

_I shook my head._

"_I was very careful. And very insecure so we didn't sleep together often. If he ever felt or saw a glimpse of my scar, he didn't really care enough to ask, I guess. A-a-and my boyfriend was fine with...uh...well, for lack of a better term, ...doggy style."_

_My cheeks were burning with embarrassment. But Edward didn't even flinch. He looked smug, even. _

"_Poor bastards." he scoffed._

"_What?" _

"_Any guy is lying if they tell you that doggy style isn't enjoyable, but these idiots missed out. Watching your face, your eyes, your expression when you come...Bella, it's the sexiest thing I've ever seen."_

_I was speechless._

"_To know that I get to see it. To do that to you... To know that you trust me with your history...I'm just - I'm amazed by it all. And terrified. There's so much I need to tell you..." he trailed off. A distant, worried look in his eyes. _

"_Have _you _ever been in love, Bella?" he asked, his insecurity flashing momentarily in his gaze. _

_I grinned. _

"_Now that I know you, I'm sure I've never been truly in love. Not before this. This is new for me too." I assured him._

_Edward dropped his cards and moved closer to me, cradling my face in his hands. I leaned into his touch, looking up at him from my chair. His eyes were searching mine, filled with questions. _

"_Does it bother you? That I...that I've been wi-"_

"_That you've been with women?" I finished his sentence for him, sensing his discomfort. _

_He nodded. _

"_No." _

_He visibly relaxed. _

"_They may have had your body before me, Edward. But I have this first." I said, placing my hand over his heart._

_He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. _

"_D-does it bother you that I'm...that I'm not very...I mean I'm not as..." I stuttered._

"_Experienced? No. I wouldn't have known that unless you told me. It actually makes me feel closer to you...I get to know you in ways that others never have. We can discover things together, you know?"_

_I breathed a sigh of relief. _

"_Besides, even the idea of another man's hands on you...makes me fucking crazy. The less I have to imagine in my brain, the better." he laughed, but his protectiveness was apparent in his expression. _

_It made me want him even more. Love him even more. He was terrified, no doubt, of loss. Of losing something like this. This thing we had between us. Love was new to me too, but where we differed was that I believed in it's strength. He treated it as if it were this fragile treasure. Maybe he was right to think that way. Maybe I was naive. Or maybe we were both wrong. Whatever it was, we would find out together. _

_I pulled on his shirt, bringing him towards me so I could kiss him soundly. I wasn't ready to come down from my cloud. I wasn't ready to think about anything else but the gorgeous man in front of me, whose mouth was heaven on earth. _

_I could kiss Edward Masen all day long. _

_He hummed against my mouth as his hands trailed down to my neck. His lips moved against mine in a way that made me burn with want. I wanted to have him. To please him. _

_I let my mouth separate from his only to move to his neck, and then to his ear, sucking on the soft flesh there. _

_I felt his breath stutter and a low groan resonate from his chest. _

"_Bella..." he murmured, in a poor attempt at a warning tone. _

_I ignored him, letting my breath flutter in his ear and then down his neck, making my intentions known. _

"_fffuck..."_

_In an instant his mouth was on mine again, moving with an urgency, a passion that overtook me. It was the kind of full bodied kiss that takes your breath away. The kind that makes the world right. _

_The kind that makes you want to get naked immediately. _

"_E-Edward?" _

"_Hmm?" he hummed against my neck as he kissed me there. _

"_You know how you said...y-you said we could discover things together?" I asked with burning cheeks. _

_He stopped and looked me in the eyes, waiting for me to continue. _

_I reach forward and popped the button on his pants._

"_Can we discover them here?" I started to laugh as I finished my sentence, because Edward was already lifting me on to the kitchen counter. _

"And what are we grinning about over there, Miss Bella..."

Alice's voice cut through my little day dream as the ding of the welcome bell chimed loudly in the shop.

"Alice!"

She was her beaming self, wrapped in a perfectly tailored black coat and a shimmering pashmina. She bounced over to me and wrapped her arms around me. As I hugged her, I noticed Rose coming in too, glowing in her dusty pink peacoat. She smiled at me and gave me a hug as soon as Alice was done squeezing me to death.

"Hi, Bella." she said with an eye brow raised and smirk in the corner of her mouth. I realized Alice was looking at me the same way. The two of them stood before me expectantly.

"What..what are you two looking at me like that for..."

Alice let out a loud, dramatic sigh.

"_Your date_! How was your date! With Edward_! God_, we're both dying to know. And no one can get a hold of Edward as usual..."

Edward had left late last night. He had a meeting with a gallery owner today in Lifton, about an hours drive from Riverdale. My insides warmed at the way he had untangled himself from me so carefully. Leaving the warm little burrow in my bed and kissing my shoulder before pulling the blanket back over me.

I started to laugh at my two endearingly nosey friends, unable to really make a full sentence as I was smiling so widely.

"It was...I mean...it was just...so perfect. And he...I don't know...it was so..."

Rose smiled and shook her head at me, chuckling to herself.

"Oh boy, she's in trouble."

Alice observed me closely before nodding in agreement.

"Yep. Definitely."

"W-what do you mean?" I asked.

"Oh please, Bella. Edward has been crazy over you since he saw you. Now it's clear you feel the same. You're in love!"

I didn't argue. I only shrugged and continued to beam.

I _was_ in love.

Alice squealed and hugged me tight again. I didn't mind one bit.

Rose was happy, but remained more reserved. I felt her eyes on me even as Alice continued to talk, asking questions and mooning over my romantic weekend. I didn't spill too much information, but made it clear that we'd become worlds closer to each other. That Edward and I cared for one another very, very much.

I saved all the dirty details for Angela. I couldn't wait to call her.

"Oh! I'm so happy! Isn't that amazing Rose?" Alice squeaked.

"It is. I'm very happy for the two of you." Rose said simply. She seemed genuinely happy, but her eyes were clouded with the faint trace of concern.

"Anyway...now that we know your date went well, you should come to Mom and Dad's this friday! It's sort of a holiday party for some of Carlisle's closest colleagues and their families. Esme throws one every year and Edward never comes. But if you go, then I'm sure he'll go! What do you think?"

The thought of a holiday party with the Cullens sounded quite nice. Especially with Edward there. I wondered what it would be like to be there as his date, rather than a family friend. Would it be different? Would it be weird?

Or would it be even better?

"Sure, I'll come." I said.

"Perfect! Now Edward can't say no. Esme will be thrilled." Alice said. "Wednesday night, after you close up give me a call. We need to go shopping for something festive to wear! It's a formal party."

"Okay, sure. Sounds great!" I replied. Shopping with Alice would be helpful. I wasn't the most patient shopper in the world. With Alice's eye for fashion, she could help me pick what to wear in no time, rather than me digging through the sales racks.

Rose and Alice chatted a little while longer before heading out. Alice had a business lunch and Rose was meeting Emmett at the station. It was nice to talk to someone about Edward, about the weekend that had changed everything. But it made me miss Ang.

After finishing up a few arrangements and selling two to the sweet older woman from down the street, I dialed Angie's number.

"You did _what_?"

"Mhm."

"How many times!?"

"A lot...?"

"And there were L- words involved!?"

"Yes."

"Well smack my ass and call me Sally..."

I giggled, happy to give her the details of the weekend. She teased me and made some priceless dirty jokes at my expense - but that was Ang. She was thrilled that I was happy.

"Wow. It sounds like an amazing weekend, B. Can you believe its been almost ten years now since your surgery? And you're doing so well. Look at you..."

She was right. The 21st of December would be my anniversary. I'd come so far. I was living on my own, I owned my own business, I'd finally found someone I cared about...

"I can't believe it either, Ang."

She promised to come visit next week, spilling some details about Garrett's visit to her place last weekend.

"Let's just say...we stayed in. All. Weekend."

"Right on." I laughed, understanding now what it meant to have a weekend like that with someone you're crazy about.

Feeling refreshed after a lengthy catch up session on the phone with Angela, I finished up some work for the day.

As I was putting the next days finished orders in the cooler, I heard my phone beep from the front counter. It was a text from Edward.

"_On my way back now, will stop over when I'm in town...miss you._ -_ E._"

Before I could text him back a loud banging on the shop door had me jumping out of my skin and falling right on my ass. I pulled myself up to my feet, peeking over the counter to see Jake holding his stomach, laughing at me through the glass.

"You know it's open, you ass hat!"

He swung the door open, still barking out a laugh.

"Priceless, Bells."

I scowled at him, rubbing my tailbone. _Dammit_, that hurt.

Jake sauntered over and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. He was still in his work clothes and his jeans were covered in grime. His fingers were blackened and he smelled like motor oil.

"What do you want...?" I asked, grinning at him even through my scowl. It was always good to have Jake around.

"Nuthin! What - I can't come visit you anymore? You've been off the grid all weekend. Where have you been?"

My cheeks grew red instantly. Jake caught it immediately and his eyes sparked interest. He gasped, "Isabella Swan..."

"What!?"

"Was there a boy in this apartment this weekend?" he had his goofy-pretend-stern face on.

"Maybe."

The genuine surprise was evident in his face. His smile turned to a bewildered look. He crossed his arms and leaned against the counter, watching me carefully as I cleaned up. He seemed to be struggling for words.

It pissed me off.

"What? Is it such a big surprise?"

Was it? Was it shocking to think of me _not_ here by myself? That someone might want to be around me? See me as more than a friend? Did I have nothing more to give than that?

"O-oh no...I mean kind of? I just didn't think-" he stammered.

"You didn't think what? That anyone would be interested in me?"

Jake sighed. "No, that's not at all what I meant and you know that...I just didn't think you were like that."

"Like what!?"

Jake rubbed his face with his hand in frustration, successfully smudging dirt on his cheek.

"Shit, I don't know! It's just weird for me to handle okay!?"

"Jake. I know you've always been protective of me, that I'm like your little sister. But I'm also a woman. A grown woman." I pointed out. "And I did not come this far in my life to spend it alone. I have every right to spend a weekend with someone I love - just as much as you! No one questioned you and Leah when you guys started sleeping together!"

His voice softened when he spoke again. "It's just...you _have_ been...alone. For a while. I didn't expect it, that's all. I never said I didn't think it was possible."

I opened my mouth to speak, but then decided against it. He was trying to make himself clear. He never meant to be hurtful.

"Hold on a second." he said, his eyes snapping up to mine. "Did you say _love_?"

"Uh...I..."

"You did. You said you have every right to spend the weekend with _someone you love_...who the hell was here? How did I not know you were in _love_?"

Ah shit.

Jake and I had never really had an opportunity to discuss boys. (Besides when he was threatening Mike Newton back in high school. That conversation was very brief and ended in an unconscious Newton.) He only knew vaguely about the relationship I had in college and never really asked me about it. He was a lot like Charlie, he just left it alone.

"Well...he's.. I mean, it didn't just happen...we've been getting to know each other for a while now. And it just...grew."

"Who is it?"

Before I could answer, the shop door chimed.

Speak of the devil.

Edward's eyes found mine before resting on Jake. His eyes were curious and concerned.

"Hi." I breathed.

"Hey" he said, managing a smile for me.

Jake started to laugh.

"You gotta be fuckin' kidding me."


	20. Chapter 20

Jake continued to laugh, his huge shoulders shaking as he rubbed his face. Bella just looked at me, a little bewildered at his reaction.

The guy was massive. An inch or two taller than myself, but with the build of a fucking bear.

A big, dumb, bear.

"I should have known..." he chuckled. He got up, walked around the counter to ruffle Bella's hair and then walked towards me.

I didn't move a muscle, unsure of what he was doing. We hadn't exactly hit it off when we briefly met before. I could tell he didn't like me as soon as we met. But I was surprised to see him reach forward to shake my hand.

I responded, shaking his hand and keeping eye contact. I didn't know Jake and Bella's relationship very well yet, but I knew she cared about him and that they were close friends. He'd been with her through a lot. For her sake, I would respect that. But I wasn't about to puss out either.

His grip was incredibly tight and he held my gaze right back. I stared him down hard and met his grip. If he was going to try and intimidate me, I was gonna let him know it wasn't fucking working.

"You be good to her, man. Nobody like her in the world." he said, surprising me with a gentler tone. Something about that made me relax. The two of us were different men, but when it came to Bella, we were on the same team. There was also a subtle _dont-make-me-fucking-kill-you_ tone that he made sure did not escape my notice. I nodded and he clapped me once on the back before leaving. I was almost certain that would leave a mark.

I looked over to find Bella with a stunned and slightly amused look on her face.

"Well, that was...interesting." she said, starting to chuckle.

I came around the counter to put my arms around her, kissing her softly hello. She hummed against my lips. I breathed in deeply, somehow feeling like this was home after a long day away. She smelled amazing.

"How was your trip?" she asked.

"Productive, I think."

I explained the possible show opportunities at the gallery. My last installment had been a pretty big success and they had a larger show space they wanted me to fill for my next installment on the second floor of the building. I had spent the day checking out the space and sketching up a few ideas. Sometimes it was just the light in the room that made me think twice about ideas for a series.

"Did they give you a deadline?" Bella asked. I watched her hands work over an arrangement of flowers I didn't recognize, deep blues and brilliant whites amongst soft greens.

"They'd like to show in early spring."

I remembered the diner, that morning she'd left me and my breakfast after I'd shut down. She'd asked me then about my art and I'd clammed up. Now it didn't feel so hard. I could tell from her face now that she wanted to ask me more but was carefully testing the waters.

"I'd love to see what you're working on. What you've done already. I mean - only if you want me to..." she quickly finished.

"I'd like that." I said. I smiled because I meant it. And it didn't freak me out.

And Bella, without looking up at me, had this stunning smile on her face when I'd answered her. She was clipping and shaping and arranging, cutting ribbons. It was near time for her shop to close. The sun was going down outside. I took a moment to drink her in.

She was wearing another pair of those damn leggings. These ones were deep purple and hugged her ass just as perfectly as the other pair. She wore a pair of old leather boots, the top of her leg warmers visible at the top of each ankle. Her top was looser, a sheer cream colored button up over a tank top. The top of her cleavage was visible through the shirt. My mind was replaying some its newest and favorite memories. Especially the way her back arched against the kitchen counter as I'd entered her the night before.

Fuck.

She looked up at me and caught my eyes roaming her body.

"Careful." she said in a low voice.

"Why would I be?"

"I'll have to close up shop early if you keep looking at me like that."

"I'm not against you doing that." I said, coming to stand extremely close, my lips now touching her ear lobe as I spoke. My hands finding their way to her hips. I could feel her laughing in a poor attempt at protest.

"Alice and Rose want me to come to Esme and Carlisle's holiday party this weekend..." she said as she cleared her throat, successfully changing the subject and killing the semi hard on I had working for a moment there.

I groaned into her neck at the mention of the annual event. From what I could remember of it, it was always long and boring. Us kids always had to be on our best behavior, and spend time with the other doctor's kids. I was never social, usually spent the evening in my room after dinner, and once I was older...just did not go. I didn't even give Esme an excuse or a phone call. I cringed, thinking about how she must have waited for me. How I had gotten so good at disappointing her, even if she would never say so.

I still had no desire to go. Especially because it was a rather swanky party where everyone dressed up, and I'd _seen_ Bella in a backless dress before. The last thing I wanted to do was go to a party with her where I would have to...well, _behave_.

"Do we have to...?" I whined. "We could tell Esme we're sick and then stay in bed all night..."

Bella laughed and put down her sheers. She turned in my arms to face me, placing her hands on my face.

"Why don't you want to go? I'll be with you. If its awful, I'm sure we could sneak out after dinner?"

She kissed me and wrapped her arms around my neck. Her mouth was so sweet and warm.

"I can't say no to you, when you kiss me like that."

We spent a few more minutes getting lost in each others mouths. My mind felt clear and a calm settled over me. There was no rush in our kisses. They were slow and leisurely...purely enjoying one another.

Her effect on me was astounding considering how easy it was to get caught up in my own mind. She just made everything better. Clearer.

"How do you feel about staying at my place tonight?" I asked when I pulled away.

I didn't want to go home without her, and I wanted to know what it felt like to spend a morning in bed together, rather than having to leave for one reason or another.

She looked up at me, a hint of pleasant surprise in her eyes. She hummed and pretended to mull it over before kissing me once and going to the shop door to put the closed sign in its place.

"Let me just grab a few things," she said. "I'll be right down."

I watched her figure bounce up the stairs to her apartment door and listened to her foot steps moving above me.

I took the moment on my own to look around the shop.

Her winter arrangements were incredibly stunning. The shop looked festive, but not tacky. She had cut paper snowflakes and strung them up along with her christmas lights, leaving the front shop window a beautiful, glowing, white winter. White yarn balls and tissue paper ornaments cast shadows across the flower under the warm glow of the lights hanging above. She'd told me once that decorating the front window was one of her favorite projects. I could see her hand behind every bit of the display.

I thought of my mother.

Things like this would light up her entire face at Christmas time. At least when I was still young. Before Dad began to change. She used to make a big deal of decorating the house, making it part of the magic that Christmas was supposed to be. As I got older, and things began to change for the worse, the holiday became more somber and quiet. Small gifts, usually hand made were exchanged, sometimes just between my mother and I if it wasn't good day for Dad. She would leave our gifts for him outside his study and take me to the farthest wing of the house to play. To forget. I could hardly remember watching my father open a present, let alone give one.

In just a few weeks, it would be ten years. Ten years since they died. I couldn't believe it. It still felt so raw.

"Do you like it?" came Bella's voice behind me. I turned to see her switch off all the shop lights but the Christmas lights and come up beside me, a small bag slung across her chest and over her shoulder, bundled in her coat and a scarf. Her beautiful face was illuminated in the light. Her eye lashes cast delicate shadows, her nose and cheeks were pink and bright.

Wordlessly, she guided me outside, locking up behind her and bringing me to stand in front of the glowing window. I felt her hand slip into mine as we stood in the cold, staring at the display. She rested her head against my shoulder.

If anyone had told me just a few months ago that a moment like this would be mine, I would have told them to fuck off.

"It's beautiful." I said, managing to get the words out with my voice cracking much. For some reason I had a lump in my throat suddenly. Bella just squeezed my hand, telling me silently she understood.

And hour later, Bella and I were curled up on my couch.

I'd started a fire in the fireplace and Bosley was asleep at our feet. It was odd how normal it felt. Something like this had always seemed picturesque and cliche to me. Not so much now. Bella was wrapped in an afghan and tucked into my side, her legs draped over my lap.

Between the two of us, we had managed to put together dinner with the odds and ends of my sparse kitchen. I hadn't really thought about my lack of food in the house before asking her over. But omelets and cinnamon toast seemed to suit the two of us just fine.

"This is kind of perfect." Bella said quietly, taking a sip from her mug of tea.

I'd learned that tea was kind of her thing. One cup in the morning, and one at night. The look on her face while she had it was the epitome of peacefulness. She had told me one of the nights I'd been fixing her store front that it was the most soothing thing to her. The warmth in her hands, the herbal smell, the taste of honey that was always strongest at the bottom of her cup. Even listening to her describe it that night over dinner, I could feel what she felt.

"The tea?"

"No," she laughed lightly. "This."

She nuzzled a little closer to me, illustrating what she meant. I hummed in agreement. We stayed quiet for a minute, then I thought of something she'd mentioned nights ago.

"So, two bucket lists, eh?"

I felt her chuckle lightly against me.

"Yep." she looked up at me. "I have them saved somewhere at home, but I have two. One I wrote when I was around twelve, and then a much longer list I wrote after my transplant. I kept both, just so I'd always keep some perspective." she said softly.

"When I was twelve I had things like: riding a bike all the way around the block...camping in the woods...spending a whole day at the beach...jumping off the swings in Jake's back yard...simple things that I couldn't do at the time."

I thought of one of the first times I laid eyes on her, smiling as she rode her bike through town. The grin on her face made complete sense now.

"And now?" I asked.

"Now...I'm dreaming a lot bigger than I used to thats for sure." she chuckled. "My new list is obviously a lot longer than my old one. I don't know...I have so many things I want to do."

"Like...?"

She was suddenly shy, ducking her head and smiling. I could see her blushing.

"I don't know...some of them are pretty stupid." she laughed.

"Oh, come on...try me."

She took a deep breath and sat up straighter, tucking her hair behind her ear.

"Okay, I'll tell you some of mine, if you tell me some of yours." she offered, striking a deal.

"What? _ My_ bucket list?"

"Yeah, I mean everybody has one whether they write it down or not. Aren't there things you've always wanted to do, but never thought you could? Or just...haven't yet?"

I thought about it for a minute.

"Alright, deal. But you first." I said, liking the delighted smile on her face.

"Okay-"

"Wait...I have a condition." I smirked. "Bucket list items do not have to be realistic."

"Oka-"

"And I think, as a rule, there should also be kissing in between bucket list item sharing."

"Oh yeah?" she smirked.

"Yeah," I replied, wagging my eyebrows at her like an idiot. "Like a reward system."

"I guess I can't argue with that. Rules are rules." she grinned.

"I'll even give you one in advance cause I'm such a nice guy."

I stole a kiss as she started to laugh. I could taste honey on her lips.

"Alright, you're up, Swan."

She smiled as her eyes traveled upwards toward the ceiling, skimming through her memories.

"Okay...well...I-I..." she giggled and her cheeks turned a rosy shade of pink. "I've always wanted to learn how to belly dance."

She laughed now, but the idea of those hips and that perfect ass rotating in front of me had my blood rushing south suddenly.

I could feel my face split into a grin before I leaned down to kiss her. I felt her hand slide up my neck and hold me to her, elongating the kiss. It had been a long day without this. I didn't know how much longer I could keep from touching her. She hummed against my lips before pulling away just slightly.

"Your turn."

"Okayskydiving!" I said quickly and then leaned in for another kiss, eager to have my mouth against hers again. My lips met cool fingertips instead.

"Edward! That's cheating."

"Is not!" I argued, somehow thoroughly delighted to be bickering with my girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

_Shit_. I hadn't asked Bella if she wanted to be my girlfriend yet.

"Is too! Tell me something real."

"But, I really could want to sky dive..."

She arched a brow at me, not budging.

"Okay, okay..." I relented, raking a hand through my hair. My mind wandered, sifting through my options. What had I always wanted to do, but never had? "Well, I guess I've always thought it would be cool to live on my boat for a while. Take it out on some gorgeous route and disappear for a month. Bos would be so sea sick though, I'd never put him through it."

I looked over, and from Bella's expression, I could tell my answer was satisfactory. She grinned as she leaned forward and brought her mouth to mine, sweeping her tongue ever so lightly along my bottom lip.

Fuck.

"I'm sorry," she blushed. "You're just...very easy to keep kissing."

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and took a breath, thinking about her next answer.

"I'd love to travel abroad. There's so much I'd love to see. I don't even know where I'd start."

"Italy." I answered for her. "There's no place like it. I could see you there."

And I really could. Suddenly my mind was stuck on this picture of Bella wearing nothing but our bed sheets on the terrace of some gorgeous summer home in Capri.

Jesus. I was in deep.

"Really?" she asked, smiling. "I'd love to go."

I told her about some of my time studying in different parts of Italy, some of the trips I took in Europe. My favorite spots, the best place to get coffee, the blue water in Venice, the bright orange of the Tuscan hills in the fall, getting hammered with foreigners. She was absorbed in the conversation, asking me questions about where I'd been with her eyes locked on me, engaged so fully in my answers. Her eyes sparkled as I spoke, and I wanted more than anything to take her there.

"I guess that would be on my bucket list then... to go back." I said.

_With you_, I thought.

I'd barely finished my sentence before Bella's lips were on mine again.

Automatically, my arms came up around her as I deepened the kiss. Best. Reward system. Ever.

Bella's fingers were in my hair, pulling just enough to make my eyes roll into the back of head. The kiss grew in heat and I could feel my chest pounding as her tight little body pressed closer to me. Her mouth was so soft and warm, yet firm against mine. Her lips moving... so smooth, heated, wet.

"Disneyland..." she mumbled as she moved her mouth to my neck, leaving a hot trail of kisses until she reached back to my mouth once more. Her laughter, and her continued kisses told me she was bullshitting.

"Mt Everest..." I countered as I took a breath before capturing her lips again. We'd both thrown the rules out the window.

"We're ...really bad at this game." she panted.

"Don't care."

"We've barely...oh God...s-started..." she breathed a moan as I took my turn lavishing her neck with attention, my thumb roaming over a fabric covered nipple.

"Fuck..." she breathed, my cock straining beneath her at the sound of the word on her lips. "Need you..."

Bella's tongue. Bella's fucking tongue. _ Goddamn_.

In a quick adjustment, she moved her body over mine, straddling me where I sat on the couch. The sheer buttoned top she was wearing was loose and slouching over her bare shoulder. Her skin was hot under my palms as my hands traveled up her hips and under the hem of her shirt, pressing flat against her back.

My breathing stuttered as she ground her hips down on mine, the heat of her core directly over my cock.

She pulled back from me, raising her arms in the air for me as I slid her shirt over her head, my palms following her curves, her skin being revealed to me inch by inch. Milky white skin, glowing from the fire light behind her.

Her hands held my face and neck as she found my lips again. The kiss was growing almost frantic in intensity. The overwhelming need to touch and be touched everywhere was lit like a fire in both of us.

"Edward..." she breathed as I brought my mouth to the center of her chest, my fingers itchy to remove her bra. Just as I went to unclasp it, it fell forward. She'd reached behind her and unhooked it herself. Her breasts bouncing just slightly as they were freed.

God, they were just so fucking perfect. Full, soft, round...and her nipples, standing at attention for me, became the focus of my mouth.

"Bed..."

Without another word I'd lifted us up off the couch and was moving towards the stairs, my mouth never leaving her skin. Her fingers felt so good lost in my hair, scraping my scalp just enough to make me hiss. Fuck. My chest was pounding against hers, and the way the heat of our hips was aligned was driving me insane.

I felt Bella nip and suck at my bottom lip and this primal sound came from my throat.

Against the wall, grinding into her.

Up the stairs, hands in her hair.

Against the door of my bedroom, my palms cupping her ass. Her nails running down my shoulders and back.

There is a desperation that blooms in our kisses, this hunger that needs to be satisfied. And it isn't sweet or slow, its raw and needy.

Bella lets out a little squeal as I practically throw her on my bed. She reaches out to me and her fingertips grope and yank at my shirt until its lost in the dark. I make quick work of tugging off her leggings and crawling up the bed and over her body, needing my mouth on hers again like I need air. My stomach tightens as her hands trail down my chest and then to the waistline of my jeans.

I'm aching. I'm fucking aching to be inside her.

Our breathing is fast and excited as we lose the rest of our clothes. In a moment of haste I'm almost certain I've literally ripped her panties off. But I can't do anything but stare at the sweet, smooth, _wet_ flesh I've just revealed.

I feel my dick throb anxiously, but I have to taste her first. I just have to.

I let my fingers slide between her folds first, eliciting a gasp from her in the dark. Rubbing up and down I can feel how ready she is for me. Her legs fall open for me, and her eyes follow mine as I lower myself down to taste her. Her mouth stays slightly open, her breathing stunted by my movements.

The way her flesh gives beneath my mouth and tongue is so erotic that I have to close my eyes as I continue or I might cum before we even start. My tongue traces circles around her clit, sucking gently. Her hips rotate beneath me, and seeing her squirm only eggs me on.

"E-Edward..." I hear her moan.

_Fuck_.

I feel her body start to shake beneath me and I wrap my arms around her legs, pressing down just slightly on her lower abdomen. The two of us are both already so aroused I know it won't take long to get her there.

One finger, then two. I feel and hear Bella react. Her moans rise in their pitch. Her fingers grasp my bed sheets and her muscles are tense beneath me.

I open my eyes to watch what I can feel is about to happen. My gaze trails up her naked skin, her beautiful breasts, her long neck, over her gorgeous face. Her pink lips are open and she looks down at me for only a moment before I see her eyes flutter and roll back into her head.

Within seconds she's arched and trembling with release. And I can't go another second with out being in her.

"Need you...please..." is all I can mutter as I crawl up her body and kiss her. She's nodding her head, giving me permission, still moaning from her release. Her hands travel over my body and I can feel myself react. For some reason her fingertips are cold like ice on my skin and I'm covered with goosebumps.

Countering all of this is the heat of her pussy. She guides me to her entrance and then pulls my hips forward, not stalling for one moment.

Holy _shit_.

I'm trying to be gentle, but I feel like I'm about to lose it. As if she's read my mind, she pulls herself up to lean on her elbows and wraps her legs around my back before she says,

"Please..." she stops to place one lingering, scorching hot kiss on my lips, the two of us panting. "_Fuck_ me."

Goddamn.

Bella doesn't swear very often, and talking dirty was something I didn't think she'd be into. But Bella has always surprised me.

And those words, on her lips...asking me to...begging me...

I let go of any hesitation I'd had simply at her permission. My hips quicken their pace and pressure. Everything becomes faster, harder. I can hear our skin meet over and over again. Looking down I watch myself disappear inside her. Her body is beautifully flushed, shimmering in a sheen of sweat we both share. But its her eyes that get me. The intensity, the _trust_ there. She knows I would never hurt her.

I continue my thrusts but pull her up to me, the two of us now both in sitting positions, but with her on my lap. We hold on to each other for dear life.

I can feel Bella's mouth on my neck and my eyes roll back. She's meeting me thrust for thrust and nothing exists but this.

"I-I...Edward I'm..."

She's tightening around me. A new wave of warmth surrounds me. She cries out.

"God..._Bella_..."

My release is powerful. I can feel my muscles jerking with relief.

My face is buried in her neck, the two of us trying to control our breathing. Skin damp with sweat. Muscles shaking and spent. My mind is reeling in the aftermath of one of the most intense orgasms I've ever had.

I feel Bella's hands running through my hair, bringing me back to her.

I pull back to look at her. Her smile sets me at ease and she kisses me with all the gentleness she has. Lips so soft, so tender.

"I love you." she whispers, kissing me once more.

I don't even think she knows what it means to me to hear her say it. To say it and mean it. I had written all of this off years ago. Love was not for me. Love was not in the plan. Love was weakness and vulnerability and _fuck_ if I was going to let myself lose someone again.

But in comes Bella Swan and everything changes. And all I can think about currently is keeping her.

"Be mine, Bella." I say. She stills, her eyes searching me.

"Are you asking me-"

It dawns on me that asking her to be my girlfriend post sex might not be the best idea.

"I'm asking you to be my girlfriend. I'm in love you and I just...I just want this. Fuck, this is _not _the right moment to ask you this...I'm fucking this up...But just...Do you want this too? I mean, is that what you-"

Shit.

"Yes. Yes, I want this too." she says, effectively stopping me from back tracking and wimping out.

I feel like my chest is going to bust open when she answers. I wrap her up in my arms, still feeling like I can never get quite close enough. Her kiss is dizzying and warm and a blanket of calm comes over me.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Very." she answers simply, honestly. I breathe a sigh of relief.

"Shower?" she asks as she pulls away.

"Shower."

Not wanting to let go of her just yet, I get up off the bed and turn back to lift her into my arms again, carrying her giggling little ass into my master bathroom.

I set her down, still laughing, on the tile floor, and go to the closet to grab towels for us. I turn to see her bent forward, adjusting the water in the stand up shower. Beside the shower is a large deep seated jacuzzi tub - plans for another night begin to brew in my head.

I join her in the glass stall, the steam rising around us both. The heat of the water turns her nose and cheeks a pretty shade of pink. In the light I can see that same pink in the scar down the middle of her chest. She takes my hand and wordlessly pulls me in beside her under the spray and then into her arms.

We just_ hold_ each other for a minute.

I kiss her forehead and just _hold _her. My arms wrapped around her, one hand cradling her head. Her grip on me is perfect in pressure, holding me against her wet, warm body.

Breathing deeply, I feel cleansed in a way.

We spend more time kissing and touching in the shower, unable to keep our hands to ourselves. Some how we manage to wash up as well, but mostly I just can't stop touching her. When we're both clean, I hop out and surround her in a warm fluffy towel before grabbing my own. Light from the bathroom spills into the bedroom and I smirk at the absolute mess we've made of the bed. I throw on a pair of boxers and do my best to fix up the sheets while Bella brushes her teeth and rummages around her overnight bag for her pajamas.

"Ahem..." I turn to see Bella with the pair of panties I'd thought I'd ripped dangling from her hand. I was correct. I'd fucked that pair up pretty good.

"I'd say I'm sorry, but I would be lying." I shrug.

"I'm not sorry either." she winks, stepping into the bathroom to pull on a loose tank stop and a pair of some lacey looking boy shorts.

God, my girlfriend is gonna kill me.

My _girlfriend_.

I hear Bosley at the door and open it, knowing he sleeps better when he's in the same room. Bella finds a comfortable spot in bed and pulls up the covers, just in time for Bos to get up on his hind legs and deliver a slobbery kiss on her hand. She giggles and gives his ears a good scratch. He hops up on the ottoman at the end of the bed and curls up.

"What, no goodnight for me Bos?"

He snorts and wags his tail. I roll my eyes and pat his back before climbing into bed beside Bella. She rolls onto her side to face me, smiling softly.

I reach over and pull her into my side.

I think about our game we'd so poorly attempted. The bucket list.

"Sea World." I offer. Bella chuckles into my chest.

"Really?"

"Duh, haven't you always wanted to kiss Shamoo?"

I can almost feel her roll her eyes at me as she laughs.

She takes a deep breath.

"Umm...to build a snowman." she says.

"Wha-? You've never..."

"Nope." she pulls back a little to look up at me. "Haven't gotten around to it yet."

I'll be taking care of that.

We trade silly bucket list items as well as serious ones until our eyes grow heavy. Hers faster than mine. When I feel her fall into one of her deep sleeps, it takes me a while to let myself relax. It's like I'm afraid if I don't keep watch over her, if I don't take care of her, she won't be there when I wake up. I needed to be sure she was breathing.

Finally my exhaustion overwhelms me and the warmth of her body puts me out.

But despite how calm, how happy I feel...as soon as my eyes close, it's an entirely different story.

How did I think I could run from this?

**Sorry again, for the wait. :( Hope you all are having a lovely holiday season. :) More to come...**


	21. Chapter 21

It's early morning when it happens.

I'm rattled awake by a muted smash and a deep groan, a keening whining sound that I realize is Bosley crying. My eyes pop open and I blink furiously, trying to clear my head from the fog of sleep. It's still dark out, but the sky is a lighter shade of dark blue.

I turn my head to see Edward missing from bed.

The absence of his warmth is almost as jarring as the noise that woke me. I had been so contentedly asleep, so exhausted, and so _satisfied_ after last night, it took all my will power to let my mind begin to focus.

My head is spinning a little as I lean up on my elbows, listening intently. I look to see the bathroom door cracked open, a sliver of light splayed across the floor. It's eerily quiet for a moment.

Maybe the sounds had been remnants of a dream.

At least thats what I think until I hear a cabinet shut and something falls in the sink. Bosley lets out a small bark.

"_Fuck...shit..." _I can vaguely make out his muttering from behind the bathroom door.

My chest feels heavy.

Something isn't right.

The sheets slide off my legs as I pull myself out of bed, the chill in the room hitting my skin and making me hiss. It's _freezing_.

The bathroom is situated on Edward's side of the bed, while his windows are on mine. I make my way around the end of the bed, stopping to find Edward's night table lamp in pieces on the floor. Bosley is whining and pacing around the glass. I pull his collar until he is up on the ottoman he had been sleeping on. I don't want him to cut himself.

"Stay here, Bos." I instruct. The obedient dog he is, he stays on the ottoman, though he continues to cry and fidget.

_Now_ I'm starting to panic.

"Edward?"

There is no answer. I lean close to the door to listen.

I can hear his labored breathing and small sounds coming from behind the door. Not wanting to startle him I speak softly as I very slowly open the door.

"It's just me, I'm coming in..."

Shit.

I try my hardest to keep the breath I've just sucked in from making too much noise. But the scene before me is frighteningly unfamiliar. Edward is on the bathroom floor, his back pressed into the corner beside the toilet with his elbows resting on his knees, looking exhausted and confused. His eyes are open but its clear from his gaze that he is far from me. He's lost in some kind of dream or memory I can't save him from. His breathing is labored as if he's trying to keep from throwing up, and I notice he's holding his right hand tightly in his left.

I take another deep breath and look around me, unsure of what to do or where Edward even_ is_ right now. I see what has fallen in the sink is a pill bottle. I recognize the prescription almost immediately - its the same script I take for my anxiety. I grab it from the sink, noticing the cap is wet.

It has blood on it.

My heart is pounding.

"Edward..." I say very softly, wanting so badly to approach him, to hold him, to pull him out of this.

He doesn't respond, only closes his eyes and rakes his hand through his hair so roughly I'm afraid he's literally ripping his hair out.

"No, dont...that's not...I-I can't..." I hear him say. His voice is broken and child like. I freeze, thinking he's asking me to leave him alone. But as I come closer, I realize he's not addressing me. I'm not sure who he's speaking to, but it isn't me.

His posture isn't frightened...it's more defeated. It's as if the weight of his true grief has been manifested in his physical body. He's hurting. And it's more raw than I realized.

"Edward, please...are you hurt...?"

I'm desperate for him to answer me, to give me some sign that he's alright. That he's with me.

He tenses at the sound of my voice and looks up at me, as if he's seeing me in the room for the first time.

It terrifies me how deeply retreated into his own mind he'd gone. Was this some kind of night terror? Was this a melt down or a panic attack? Had something triggered him in his dreams? How long was he suffering while I slept so soundly beside him?

He continues to look up at me and around me, his gaze confused and blinking, as if he's trying to come back to the present. I take slow steps, unable to to stay away from him but still cautious as to not alarm him. I come to my knees in front of where he sits. I see a smudge of blood on his cheek and I assess the damage. He doesn't look to be injured other than the way he's holding his hand. He must of cut it when the lamp broke.

His eyes are so tired, glassy, and blood shot. His brow is covered in a sheen of sweat.

"Bella...?"

His eyes come into focus as he finally _sees_ me. The disorientation he's feeling is apparent as he looks around him and down at his hands. His face flushes when he visibly realizes what's happened. I watch his jaw clench as he refused to look at me, or cry in front of me.

"Fuck...I...I'm so sorry, Bella...I'm sorry..." he breathes, his head down.

"Enough." I say gently. "You never have to be sorry for this. Especially not with me."

My voice is quiet, as it's all the sound I can muster before I feel my throat close with the threat of tears. I want to weep. I want to touch him. I want to comfort him. But I don't know if I should yet. I don't want to overwhelm him if his mind is still refocusing. But maybe he needs to be touched?

Maybe he needs _me_.

Tentatively, I reach forward to brush the hair back from his forehead, unsure if he might pull away.

The thought of him pulling away from me...it would crush me. But it's worth the risk.

Edward has _always_ been worth the risk.

He sighs and his eyes close, brows furrowed as his jaw continues to clench, fighting emotions. But he leans into my touch.

I move closer to him, letting my hand continue down his cheek and neck, softly brushing back and forth, a pattern that used to soothe me when I was upset.

"This...it hasn't happened in a while..." he started to say, clearing his throat gently, trying to keep me from hearing his voice break. "Not since before you."

I have so many questions but I remain quiet. The silence is booming in my ears with how much has gone unsaid between us.

Unable to wrap my head around that right away, I switch into care taker mode. I need to make sure Edward is alright before anything else. Assess his injuries, see what he needs, get him cleaned up.

"Do you feel like you can stand? Or do you need a minute..." I ask, still keeping my voice as calm and even as possible. I don't want him to hear in my voice how scared I am. Not of him - but of the kind of pain that could do this to him. The pain he's still harboring and keeping from me. The pain I can't fix or heal or banish.

He pinches the bridge of his nose before nodding his head and lifting himself slowly to his feet. His eyes close and he stops to take a few more deep breaths.

"Sorry...I, uh...just feel a little dizzy and nauseous." he explains. He looks pale to me.

"Sit." I tell him gently, bringing him to sit down on top of the closed toilet seat. I find his glass on the sink, rinsing it out once before filling it with crisp, cold, water. "Small sips." I instruct.

I take a minute to search through his cabinets for some hydrogen peroxide and band aids. I find a small tube of neosporin and grab that too... clean wash cloth from the closet...the pills I'd found in the sink.

"Did you get this open? Did you take anything yet?" I ask softly.

"No."

I nod once before cleaning the blood off the bottle, drying it and then popping it open to rattle out a dose, placing it in his palm. He takes the pills wordlessly, and I can hear his breathing begin to settle down to normal.

He still won't look at me.

I try not to focus on that.

I pour a little listerine into its cap and offer it to him. He hesitates.

"The mint," I explain. "It helps with the nausea."

Whenever I'd felt nausea at the hospital or at home, my dad would always have peppermints on hand and sneak me one. It always seemed to take the edge off.

He complies, swishing it in his mouth before leaning over to spit the sink. There are a million thoughts running through my head but I shove them back, focusing only on the task at hand.

I run cool water over the wash cloth, wringing it out once before pressing it gently to his forehead. His shoulders slump and I feel his head lean into my hand. I can't stop myself from running my other hand through his hair. I feel him let out a long breath and I too, am some how remembering to breathe.

I use the wash cloth on his face gently, washing away the sweat and the smudge of blood on his cheek. I pull his injured hand towards me and rest it over the sink, rinsing away the blood to get a better look at the cut. It's a smaller wound, but deep enough to cause more bleeding than I'd like. It doesn't look like it needs a stitch, but I make a mental note to check it later to make sure it begins to close.

"This is going to sting a little..." I warn as I uncap the hydrogen peroxide. He doesn't even flinch as I pour a small stream of it over the cut, which fizzes a little under the solution. He only continues to stare at the wall behind me, looking pained and lost in thought.

As much as I want to, I don't push. One thing at a time, Bella.

I bandage him up quickly and clean up the sink a little. Just behind the toilet where he sits is a towel rack. I lean over him to hang the wet wash cloth to dry behind him and I'm stopped suddenly by the feel of his hands on my hips.

"Bella..." he whispers. He leans forward slowly and rests his head against my stomach.

The lump in my throat is painful now as I will myself not to cry. My arms encircle him and pull him into me, and likewise, his arms wrap around my waist and hold me tight.

There are no words to describe this. No adjectives to truly express this. This is Edward at his most vulnerable, his most broken, in front of me for the first time.

I hold him tight, stroking his hair, telling him it's okay. I feel his shoulders shake once or twice and I can feel wetness through the fabric of my tank, but he's silent.

We stay this way for a few minutes.

When he finally looks up at me, his eyes are wet and exhausted, but his expression is calmer than before. He looks up at me and beyond the pain, there is an overwhelming love there. I can't stop myself from wiping his tears and kissing each heavy eye lid. I press my cheek to his while I hug him once more.

There would be time for talking, but right now, I wanted him to lie down. To rest. And to be warm. He may have been sweating moments before, but now that he'd come around, I could see the goosebumps on his skin. He was in a pair of boxers and nothing else, and the chill in the room had us both shivering.

I take his hand and wait until he rises to his feet to lead him out to the bedroom again. I press my hand against his chest, making him stop at the door, and start to pick up pieces of glass from the lamp. Luckily, because it has landed on carpet rather than tile, the pieces are rather large and easy to pick up. But Edward realizes what I'm doing.

"Bella, leave it. You're barefoot, love." he says, concern filling his voice.

_Love._

I ignore him and sweep my hand along the rug carefully, feeling around for any pieces I've missed. When I'm satisfied that I've gotten everything, I dump it in the bathroom waste basket before he can try and take it from me. He starts to protest again but I shush him.

He finds my hands again as soon as they are empty and I move us back to the bedroom. He stops to pet Bosley, reassuring the poor dog that he's okay. With some coaxing, he gets the dog to lie down once more. When he finally lays down beside me, he sounds as if he's in physical pain, letting out a small groan.

"Are you hurt anywhere else?" I ask immediately.

"No, just...tense muscles. Panic will do that." he shrugs.

When he's flat on his back, I pull the thick down comforter up over him, tucking it into his side before tucking myself into his other side and pulling the covers up. I'm freezing and my body needs his to feel right again.

He watches me do this with an almost bewildered look on his face. And I feel myself grow even more determined to show him what it's like to have someone take care of him this way.

"You're shaking." he says quietly, pulling me tighter to him and rubbing my arms under the blanket. I can't help the shivering, and I'm not sure if it's just the cold, or if its my adrenaline coming down that's causing it.

I can't really find words. I have so many questions, there's so much I don't know...

And I have no idea where to start.

So I choose the quiet, burrowing into him and feeling both our bodies return to warmth. He will tell me when he's ready.

I listen to his heart beat steadily underneath where I've laid my head. It comforts me. Assures me. The room is beginning to brighten only just so, with pale early morning light. I can see snow falling outside.

"It will be ten years on the 21st." he says after almost fifteen minutes of silence. I'd started to close my eyes again, but they shoot open as I register his voice.

And the date he'd just mentioned.

_My transplant was the early morning of the 22nd._

"These...break downs? I don't even know what exactly the fuck they are...I think my doctor once called it 'triggered dissociation.' Basically, I have a night terror, or a severe flash back that triggers these episodes where I just...tune out. I'm not here. I don't remember getting out of bed, the lamp...none of that. It's...it's part of PTSD."

He lets out a long breath before speaking again. "It's just...it's alarming every time. I'm just _not here_ when it happens. Luckily, unlike my dad, I don't have any personalities that take the reigns while I'm out of it. Sometimes I just relive shit, or just shut down. I was always afraid that I would turn into my dad, but my doctors and psychologist assured me my trauma is very different from my father's disorder. It still freaks me out though...thinking about it."

"You are not your father." I say firmly.

"But what if I just didn't come back? Like him? He just...stopped being my father. And these horrible, cruel personalities took over and replaced him."

"I wouldn't let you leave." I promised. "I'd never let that happen. And you _don't _have horrible, cruel, personalities waiting to take control. Your mind shuts down to protect you from things you are still dealing with. You don't have an identity disorder, Edward. I'm sure of it... I'll always bring you back to me. I promise."

I meant it with all my heart. I brought him out of it tonight, I'd do it again.

"Do you remember your dream?" I ask, shifting so that I can see his face better as he speaks. His eyes are glued to the ceiling.

"I always do." he replies.

"Does this happen often?" I'm afraid to ask him directly about his dream just yet. Not sure if he's ready, or if he'll shut down.

"It used to happen quite frequently when I first came to live with Carlisle and Esme. They had me in therapy for grief counseling already but I started to see more doctors and therapists when they realized the ripple effects of my trauma. Bosley was actually part of that therapy...Esme's idea. If my night terror takes over, he follows me if I get up and walk. He basically watches over me until I wake up. Over the years it has lessened significantly. Now I usually only get one every couple months depending on my stress level. This time of year is usually the worst because I'm usually reliving things pretty heavily."

I don't know how to respond. The questions I want to ask, I'm afraid to. Whatever had happened to them - it wasn't good, I was gathering that much. And now, the idea that Edward's parents were both in the hospital the night before my surgery...the idea that one of them could even _remotely_ be my possible donor...

No. There was no way.

_Was there?_

I'm lost in thought when Edward speaks again.

"I'm sorry," he says. His voice is somber.

"Why would you be sorry?" I ask him.

"You're quiet. I've scared you." he sighed. "I never meant to..."

I move to lean up on my elbows so I can see his face clearly. He is still looking at the ceiling.

"Edward, please. Look at me."

When he does, his eyes look unsure, afraid almost.

"You _did_ scare me." I tell him. He looks instantly defeated. "But only because I didn't know how to help you." I continue. "There's a lot I still don't know about what happened to you. I wish...I just wish I could protect you from it..."

Edward lifts a hand under my chin, gently pulling me forward to kiss me.

When he pulls back he looks like he's trying to find the right words. His mouth opens and closes a few times.

"I...It was...It's hard to know where to start..."

I can feel him struggling to find the right place to begin before he even tells me. And though I'm elated he wants to finally tell me about it, I can see how exhausted he is. His eyes are a little swollen and bloodshot. I don't want to make this hard for him. I want him to be comfortable and rested when we have this conversation.

"Edward," I say softly, bringing my hand up to stroke him face. His eyes close at my touch. When they open again, the pain in them is enough to knock me over. I lean up to kiss his cheeks, his eyes, his forehead. Slowly, gently.

"You don't have to tell me right now. You're exhausted and you need to sleep."

"I've kept you waiting long enough, Bella...I need to explain...this shit." he gestures to himself.

"I'll keep waiting. For right now, I want you to rest first." I say.

"I don't know if I'll be able to do that, even though I want to. Sometimes I close my eyes and I just..." he trails off, unable to finish the sentence. I can see his eyes brimming again, glassy in the dim light.

"Let me help you try."

I sat up, Edward's eyes watching me curiously, and moved myself back a little in the bed towards the head board. I had a few pillows stacked behind me at an angle that almost reminded me of my old hospital bed. I took his arm and gestured for him to move for me until I had him laying down between my legs with his arms around my waist and his head on my chest. He was completely surrounded, protected, safe. I didn't know if this would help in his subconscious mind, but I had to hope that it would. I pulled the covers tight around us and let my hand stroke his hair.

He was out in minutes.

I, however, was wide awake.

What were the odds...was there really a chance...?

Was it just a coincidence that our traumas were only hours apart?

I can feel my anxiety kick in full gear as my mind reels but manage to keep it together, not wanting to wake Edward. He needs rest. He shifts as I try to take a few deep breaths and get my heart rate back down to normal. I was certain I felt his lips once against my scar as he turned his head before settling back down.

In the morning, he might finally tell me the truth about his past. What happened to him. That was making me nervous enough.

But now, the idea that our past might have been intertwined was freaking me out. I decide that I'll keep it to myself until I can find out more. No use in adding to Edward's stress level until I know for sure. It would be hard enough for him to explain his PTSD and what caused it.

I think about the letter I sent all those years ago.

Where was it now? Who opened it? After I'd sent that letter, I did my best not to think of it again, at least not too much. I was constantly dealing with survivors guilt after my transplant. I'd tried not to wonder too hard about whose heart I had. I'd done my best to bury that guilt with my gratitude for life, but it didn't mean it was gone. And now that Edward's parents could be my potential donors, the guilt came raging forward once more. And with it, came a burning need to know.

I realize suddenly that I need to speak with Esme and Carlisle.

I have so many questions I can't sleep a wink, no matter how exhausted I am. I watch the sun come up through Edward's windows and listen to him breathe. Determined to be what he needs, to listen, to be strong for him.

And ...to find out whose heart I now owned.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hello friends. Once again I'm apologizing for the delay. This chapter was really hard to write and a lot of important information, answers, and connections had to be made. It's a little graphic just in case you're sensitive to that stuff. But this is finally one of the bigger reveals completed. It's a lot longer than my usual update so I hope this makes up a teeny weeny bit for my tardiness. Luckily, I'll be getting a lot more time to write soon. I have a surgery coming up that puts me on bed rest for a while - plenty of down time for some serious chapters! So sorry, once again my friends. I promise I won't keep you waiting this long ever again if I can help it! Enjoy. xo**

I felt my eyes crack open as my body resurfaced from a deep sleep. I was breathing in Bella - my cheek resting against her chest. The way her body was wrapped protectively around me was so much more than I could have ever asked for. Some how she just knew what I needed. I'd slept so soundly. No dreams, no episodes. Just plain, perfect, sleep. I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept so deeply.

The events of the early morning were embarrassing at best. I knew as soon as the haze cleared and Bella's frightened expression appeared before me in the bathroom that I had some explaining to do. Though her eyes gave her fear and panic away, she was outwardly so calm and focused. Caring only that I was taken care of, that I was resting. She didn't leave me, she didn't push me, she was just...Bella. She set her fear aside to stay with me.

_How did I deserve her? _

I stretched my calves out as I came to, placing a soft kiss on Bella's skin before lifting my head to look at her. I was surprised to find her already awake.

"Hi." I whispered.

"Hi." she smiled at me, running a hand through my hair. "Did you sleep okay?" Her expression seemed to brace itself for my answer.

"Better than I can remember." I smiled. It was the truth.

She sighed as if in relief.. "Good."

"Did you sleep at all?" I asked, truly curious. I looked at the bedside clock - it was almost nine thirty. The extra couple hours of sleep were so needed - but I felt horrible realizing how long I'd kept Bella trapped in this position underneath me. "I'm sorry I-"

She silenced me with her finger over my lips and a small smile.

"It's okay, Edward. Too much on my mind anyway, I couldn't have slept more if I tried."

I sighed. "It's my fault."

She shook her head at me. "No, it's alright. I slept well last night and I'm an early riser usually anyway. I promise you, I'm fine. Although someone _did _wear me out a little last night..."

She cracked a grin at me. Her smile made my anxiety subside a little bit.

"Oh yeah?" I smirked, moving up to place a kiss on her neck.

"Yeah, I don't know if you know him." she shrugged. "He's my boyfriend. You might have seen him around...he's a local."

I stilled a moment at her words, grinning. I was beyond thrilled to hear her say it. It was still unreal to me that she'd said yes.

I kissed her nose.

"He's a lucky son of a bitch."

She smiled and laughed softly at me, but it didn't reach her eyes. She seemed alright, but something felt off.

"You okay?"

Her eyes met mine and she nodded, but did not smile. "Yeah, just...worried about you."

Her hand came up to stroke my face gently. Her expression was filled with concern and something else I couldn't quite place. I let out the breath I'd been holding. I had so much to tell her.

I opened my mouth to speak but Bella cut me off.

"Breakfast." she said, kissing my cheek. "Breakfast first."

The two of us rolled out of bed - Bella with more morning ease than I. I couldn't help but let my eyes linger on her cute little ass as she wiggled into a pair of jeans while simultaneously brushing her teeth. I gave Bosley a good rub down before finding my own clothes and tooth brush. He was still a little tense from earlier, and paced around me more than usual. He waited patiently for me before heading down the stairs.

"I'm letting Bos out." I said, peeking into the bathroom. Bella jumped a little, her focus on her morning meds.

"Meet you down there." she said with a weak smile, not really meeting my eyes.

I wondered if she was alright. My insides started to turn again as I made my way down the stairs, thinking all the while about the conversation I knew I had to have with her today. How would she react? Would she leave? Would this be over for her once she knew what I'd done?

Was I ready for this?

There was no way around it in my mind. Now that she'd seen me...I mean really fucking seen my shit this morning... I had to explain. I had to let go. We couldn't move forward unless we broke through this wall.

I opened the door for Bos, cold winter air rushing in and stilling my thoughts for a moment. I looked out the door window out onto the water. Everything was calm outside. Serene. Quiet. Frosted and beautiful.

A sort of peace washed over me.

I was in love with Bella. And she was in love with me.

And it was my turn to be completely open with her, no matter how painful it might feel. And if she wanted out...I'd let her go. It would break me, but if it was what was best for her, I'd let her go. She had every right to change her mind. I was just hoping to God she wouldn't.

I watched Bosley scurry to take his morning dump and then rush back inside. It was freaking cold out. My skin was covered in goosebumps just waiting for him behind the door. I heard Bella's footsteps on the stairs as I dried off his paws.

"Coffee?"

"God, yes." I answered. As well as I slept in the few hours Bella held me, I was still pretty beat.

I offered to help her find something for us to eat but she waved me off, poking through my refrigerator to find some things to create with. The woman was a damn good cook, I let her do her thing. I also sort of loved watching her use my kitchen like she was right at home. Because to me, she was.

While Bella tinkered around in the kitchen, I went to the living room to make a fire. Bosley was quick to join me, having learned over time that if the fire was started, he'd have a prime napping spot right in front of it. A quiet came over the house. I wanted to talk to Bella; fall into our usual banter like we usually did. But no sound came from the kitchen and I was lost for words as I stacked dry wood in the fireplace. Though she insisted I hadn't, I was nervous that I'd scared her away this morning. And she didn't even know the whole story yet...

On my knees in front of the fire, I lit some dry newspaper and wedged it in the little wood structure I'd built. Soon I could feel the warmth against my face as the light grew and the fire swelled to a crackling hum.

Before I could turn around, I felt warm fabric fall across my shoulders. I looked to see Bella disappearing back towards the kitchen again after wordlessly draping an afghan over me.

When she came back she was carrying a tray with two coffee mugs, and two plates of french toast. She settled down beside me on the floor, nudging her way under my arm and beneath the afghan in front of the fire.

We smiled at each other before digging in. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until I'd snarfed down my food faster than Bella could take a few bites.

"Hungry?" she chuckled. I grinned at her, my cheeks full of french toast. It tasted like heaven after a night that felt like hell.

Bella picked at her food, but in the end, she gave most of her toast to Bosley. It was unlike her. We sat for a few minutes in silence, slowly sipping coffee. Bella stretched her legs in front of the fire, putting her socked feet near the warm stone.

She finally looked up at me, our gaze really connecting for the first time this morning. She seemed sort of distant since we got out of bed. I felt like she was afraid to look at me.

"There you are." I said, searching her eyes. "Are you okay?"

She nodded her head with a hum of reassurance before leaning up to kiss me. Soft lips, gentle pressure. Perfectly Bella.

We settled into a brief silence while I collected my thoughts. I couldn't find a place to start. Bella seemed to sense this and thankfully prompted me with a question. The words were timid and careful out of her mouth, but they were direct.

"How did it happen?"

A long sigh escaped me as I looked from her eyes into the now steadily roaring fire. The memories were already so hauntingly present and so clear it almost felt as if she were asking me what happened yesterday.

"I, uh...well." I took a sip of coffee and willed my anxiety down just enough so I could actually do this. Detach from the pain enough so it was just a story to tell and not a nightmare that belonged to me.

I took a deep breath and just started to speak. I could keep nothing from her anymore.

"The weather had been really shitty that winter, which had me pretty riled up. I hated being in the house. Things had gotten progressively worse with Dad, and when I got old enough to go to high school, I did everything I could to stay busy and out of his way. I started hanging out with the wrong kinda crowd at school. Smoked a lot of weed. Drank more than I should've. I was just...trying to avoid my life."

"And your Mom?" asked Bella quietly.

I winced. A wave of shame rising in me.

"We'd...we'd been fighting. Well...it was more me than her. I was angry at her."

Bella's hand found mine as she listened. Somehow her grip on me made me feel okay.

"I'd grown a lot. I was as tall as my father, starting to fill out a little more. I was stronger and more pissed off than I was when I was a kid. So I started talking back a lot. I wanted to protect her, you know? One night, in particular, a few days before...they passed, I got into it with my Dad. Bad."

_It was quiet as usual while we ate. Mom, as always, tried to strike up conversation. I hadn't spoken to my father in a few weeks, successfully avoiding him with made up stories like soccer practice and debate club. Bullshit after school programs that kept me out of the house. Not like I actually went to them. Didn't mean he didn't yell through my walls, or taunt me when I was home. I'd just been getting better at disappearing. The only productive thing I did do was work out. I hated feeling weak and defenseless. And I wanted nothing more than to beat him at his own game. I'd been biding my time for about 8 weeks, getting lost to avoid a confrontation. I'd only agreed to come and sit down to dinner instead of eating it in my room because I'd noticed fresh bruises on Mom's wrists and neck. _

_How she slept in the same bed as this monster was beyond me._

_My blood was boiling just sitting across from him. I didn't know who he was going to decide to be tonight, but I was ready to kill him. _

"_Glad you could join us for dinner tonight, Sweetheart." came my mother's timid voice. I didn't answer, I only glared at the man across from me, stuffing his face like a pig with the nice meal my mother made for us. Fucking asshole. He snorted and laughed, humorlessly, rogue pieces of potato still clinging to the corner of his mouth._

_He was getting older. He had a well built upper body, but the gut of an alcoholic. His face appeared grizzly to me. Scruffy and almost dirty at times. His hair was dark and unruly like mine, his brow furrowed constantly. While he was always a mess, I knew from experience how strong he actually was. _

"_It's a shit dinner, but it's dinner all the same." he grunted. Dick._

"_Did you want me to make you something else?" Mom started to ask. _

"_Dinner's great, Ma." I interjected, earning me a hard stare from my father. _

"_Nobody asked you, faggot." he said in a stoney, calm voice._

_I started to understand who was out to play tonight, so to speak. There was one personality that used slurs like that the most. I called him Bruce in my head. Bruce was the most dominant personality I'd identified. He had another who was equally cold but much more reserved - usually in social or work settings. When he was home, Bruce was often in charge. Normally, I'd let him talk shit at me until I was mad enough to just disappear to my room and blow off steam, but tonight, I wanted to fight. I was just waiting for him to start with me. _

_So I pushed him._

"_Well I'm eating it, aren't I? Instead of shoveling it into my fucking face like a goddamn farm animal."_

"_Edward!" Mom's eyes widened with fear and panic, knowing what was likely about to happen. _

_Bruce just kept chewing and staring at me, this wicked, knowing smile on his face. I hated this look. I knew it well. It meant I was about to get my ass beat for talking back. But I was sort of counting on my odds. The last time I'd really tried to physically fight back at all, I was about 4 inches shorter with about 25 pounds less muscle growth. That, and he smelled like he was already a few beers in. _

_We'd been leaving each other alone mostly lately. The majority of the abuse was really more verbal now than it had been before, but the violence was commonplace in this house. He loved to antagonize me, picking fights over stupid shit until he could at least pop me once or twice. He'd turn on Mom - most recently it'd been triggered by the fact that he'd lost his job. His inheritance more than covered us, but it was clear he felt emasculated. Mom was a music therapist at the local rec center and while it wasn't much - she was technically the one who brought home the bacon. It drove him mad. _

_He constantly told her that she was nothing. That her 'rinky dink job' didn't do shit to make her worth while. He'd challenge her in other ways - ways he knew he'd win. Grabbing her wrists and twisting them while she fought back uselessly. You think you're stronger than me? He'd laugh. _

_I hated him. _

"_You think because you got a foul mouth that you're grown?" he said, swallowing the food in his mouth._

_I stood up, feeling every inch of my height, feeling every muscle ready itself, every cell on fire with rage for this bastard. _

"_E-Edward...p-please don't..." my mother whispered. _

"_And you think you're a fucking man when you lay your hands on my mother?!"_

_I slammed my fist on the table and leaned over to look him in the eyes, daring him. _

"_FUCK. YOU." I spat. _

_I was nervous, but my adrenaline was pumping. This was the first time I'd truly challenged him and felt ready. I'd been preparing for this. Win or lose, I was going to give him a fucking fight. _

_I'd learned the hard way what happens when you start something you can't finish. When I was around thirteen, I saw him slap my mother clean across the face, knocking her to the floor. I came rallying to her aid, screaming at him, clawing at his shirt, throwing empty punches._

_He knocked me out cold. It was the third concussion he'd given me since we stopped going to the cottage. I'd tried many times since then to fight him, but I just wasn't strong enough. _

_Until now._

_All at once dishes were breaking on the floor as he lunged at me from across the table. _

_I was ready for him, grabbing his shoulders and throwing him off, his body slamming down on the table. _

_When he rolled off and stood up, he was covered in gravy. His eyes were on fire with rage. I didn't even give him a second to think about what his next move would be. I slammed into him, delivering a punch to his gut and knocking both of us into the living room and out of the kitchen. I could hear my mother screaming, but I ignored her. _

_He was grabbing at my hair, yanking my head back so he could take a shot. He got me once pretty good across the jaw, but as soon as he let go of my hair, I went for his knees. _

_I punched out his right knee, giving myself the upper hand as he fell to the ground. From there on it was easy. I was thrilled at my victory as I climbed on top of him and threw punches to his face. _

"_You fucking touch her one more time... I fucking dare you!" _

_I was screaming at him, and I suddenly I realized I was crying too. My fists were on fire as I laid into him._

"_Edward! Edward, baby stop! He's out! Sweetheart, he's out, you need to stop!"_

_I blinked through my tear hazed vision and looked down. I'd won. My hands were covered in blood and 'Bruce' was out cold. His face was a mess. _

_I threw myself off of him, and it was like suddenly, my surroundings came back, flooding my senses. My heart was hammering, and so was my jaw. I was pretty sure he'd ripped out a good chunk of my hair. _

_There was gravy and blood all over the carpet around him and on my hands. Mom was sobbing and yelling. _

_Yelling at me. _

"_Edward! How could you! Look at him, how could you!" _

_Shock and anger overwhelmed me. I had always been a quiet kid, but now...I felt like a bomb went off in my head. I exploded._

"_How could I?! This motherfucker has been abusing us for years and you LET him. You stay here! You make me stay here! You keep fucking waiting for him to get better but he's NOT GOING TO GET BETTER. Dad's gone! He's gone, Mom! And the longer you refuse to believe that, the more of your life you're going to spend being his fucking slave!"_

"_E-Edward." We were both crying now. The light from outside had vanished and the room was dark. "I know you want to protect me, and I've tried to protect you too. I never wanted you to be hurt. I know I'm not perfect and this has not been easy. But this is your father. The man I fell in love with. And I know he's in there. You don't see it all the time because you're never home. He comes back. Briefly, but he still does. Sometimes it's in the morning when we first wake up. Sometimes it's after I get home from work, he...he looks at me with tenderness. Like my Marcus. The one who asked me to marry him on the beach by our cottage. There's a chance for him, okay?"_

_I saw the sorrow in her eyes but it meant nothing to me. No actually, it did. It fucking hurt me to my core. _

"_So, while you wait around for him to come back to you, you let him treat us like this. You let him put his hands on you, and on me. What about me?!"_

_I had nothing but venom coming out of my mouth at this point, the rage and hurt all consuming. I stood up, looking down at her on the ground and raising my voice. _

"_Nine fucking years old and he fills a sock full of iron nails to beat me with. Nine years old! A metal rake at ten. Broke three of my fingers in a wood clamp at twelve. I can't even count how many times I've had a concussion, or stitches. Broken wrist at fourteen. And last year, when he got so drunk he could barely stand, waving a broken glass bottle at you, slicing my back open when he tried to lunge after you and I could barely hold him back. He almost killed me. And he's come close to killing you time and time again! How long, Mom! How fucking long are you going to wait for him!? How long do I have to wait for you?!"_

_My voice broke as I roared and the tears choked me. Mom couldn't look at me. She said nothing. Her eyes were on my father, tears streaming down her face. My heart broke. She'd made her decision. I left her there, grabbing my coat and leaving the house all together, taking off into the night. She called after me, but I was already gone. I walked until the sun came up. _

"Where did you go?" asked Bella, her eyes glued to me.

"No where in particular. I just walked. It was too far to walk here to the cottage, but I had wanted to. I walked on the outskirts of town, I didn't want to run into anyone, I just didn't want to go home. When I finally did get home the next morning, it was so quiet I was scared. Scared that maybe he'd killed her or something, I don't know... But she was in the kitchen and he was upstairs sleeping off some pain pills she'd given him. I was exhausted and I didn't want to talk, even though it was apparent she did. I was still just, so angry. I felt like she'd abandoned me in a way. She was a great mom, always was. I never doubted that she loved me. It was just...when I got older, I realized how trapped we were. And she was the only person who could set us free. And she didn't. At least...she didn't get the chance to."

Bella was quiet, her thumb rubbing in a soothing pattern on my arm. Her eyes were glassy as if she wanted to cry, but was holding it back. I couldn't look at her, afraid if she started to cry, I'd lose it too. My heart was already in my throat.

"Did Child Protective Services ever catch on? I mean, with so many injuries, they had to have been questioned?" she asked.

"Most of the times I truly needed treatment, she'd take me to Carlisle, her brother. She'd make up a new story every time despite him asking her directly if there was abuse, and if he needed to contact CPS. I think he tried to contact them once despite my mother's insisting okay. But when my back was cut open by that glass bottle, I'd lost a lot of blood and had to go to the hospital. CPS of course was flagged as Carlisle had called about us once before. My parents put on the most convincing show, it made me sick. When I asked Mom why she lied for him, she told me that when he was better, he couldn't live a normal life with us if he had a bad record. That he'd have to leave us. She couldn't bear that. He'd made her so dependent on him that she believed she had no answers if he wasn't in the picture. The mental abuse was so engrained in her it was hard for her to step back realize her own reality."

Bella's hand came up and ran over my back. The long scar from that glass bottle under her hands.

"This fight you had with your Dad that night at dinner, it was a few days...b-before...?"

I nodded.

"I stayed out of the way for the next couple days. My mom tried to talk to me but I was so...so damn stubborn. I didn't want to talk. I'd pretend to be asleep so she'd leave me alone. Looking back, that's the most painful part. All the moments I spent being mad at her instead of telling her I loved her. I was so angry, Bella. I'd been abused for years, but nothing hurt me quite like the idea that my mother was choosing my monster of a father over me. That's what I thought at the time..."

"She chose you, didn't she?"

I felt a lump in my throat and it hurt to swallow. I nodded. She did. I had it all wrong. If I had only listened to her, I could have helped her, protected her.

"The day she died, I came home from school and there were suitcases by the door. Some of them were mine. She'd started packing my things for me. She was doing it. She was leaving him. Esme told me later that Mom had called them and asked if we could stay with them. My outburst had finally gotten through to her. She felt the weight of the past years on her, realized that what we were going through wasn't supposed to be normal. Esme said she sounded nervous on the phone, knowing I was angry with her, unsure if I'd forgive her. She said she needed to take care of me the way I took care of her."

I stopped to swallow back tears.

"He'd been asleep on pain pills again and she'd started putting our things together, stacking shit by the door, hoping to pack the car before he woke up. But she didn't get a chance to finish."

_When I walked past the luggage in the foyer and into the kitchen, I noticed broken glass on the floor. _

"_Mom?"_

_No answer._

_Another bag of clothes strewn across the ground. _

_Blood on the carpet into the living room. _

_My chest was pounding. Horrified, I kept moving forward. I lost my breath when I turned the corner._

_My father was nowhere to be seen, but my mother was there. A bloody mess on the floor in front of the stairs. Her face was almost unrecognizable he'd beaten her so badly. From the way she was laying on the stairs, the way the rug was tangled at her feet, the trail of bloody hand prints, she'd tripped getting away from him, or he'd pushed her...there was no way to know for sure. The way her head rested on the bottom stair was unnatural. Neck broken. Her eyes were open, but she couldn't see me. She couldn't see anything. _

_I was choking, it was impossible to breathe. I could do nothing but repeat "No, no, no, it's not real, this isn't real..."_

_But it was. _

_I fell to my knees beside her, taking her hand in mine. _

"_Mom - Mom, please. Please wake up, please..." I begged her, I pleaded, I screamed. _

"After a while, I got myself together enough to lift her from the ground and pull her into her car with me. I found her keys and started to drive, I didn't let go of her the whole way. I don't even remember getting to the hospital honestly. It was such a blur, such a horrifying moment. Looking back I should have called the police, or an ambulance. But I was so floored. I lost all common sense. I knew she was gone. And all I could think to do was hold my mother and bring her to someone who knew what to do next."

"Oh, Edward." Bella breathed. The two of us were both in tears.

I had to take a second to catch my breath and wipe my eyes. My throat ached from trying to hold emotion at bay.

"They asked me a ton of questions obviously when I got to the hospital with her in my arms. I could barely speak enough to give them my name. The police were called and while I waited for them to get there, I just...I just snapped. I told the nurses who were supervising me that I had to go to the bathroom and instead made a bee line for the door. Got in the car and headed straight back to the house. It was starting to get dark out.

He was waiting for me. At the door, he was _waiting_ for me."

_I saw his shadow in the glowing glass door when I pulled in. My hands were shaking from shock, the cold, adrenaline...I was feeling to much. A freezing rain had started to fall outside. _

_I parked and pulled the keys out of the ignition, taking a second to try and breathe. When I looked up at the door again, he was gone. Bastard._

_Fucking bastard!_

_I let myself out of the car and flew up the steps, out of the rain and into the house. _

"_WHERE ARE YOU!?" I roared . The tears were streaming down my face. _

_The place was trashed. The dining room table was flipped over, more glass smashed on the floor. It looked as though he had started to clean blood off the floor but abandoned the attempt to continue wrecking the place. _

_I eased my foot steps and listened intently. Sounds of shuffling upstairs guiding the way. I went to the hall closet and grabbed one of his old golf clubs. _

_I made no attempts to be quiet. He knew I was coming. _

_Up the stair well every picture frame had been smashed. When I reached the second floor, I could see my bedroom door was busted half off it's hinges - my room emptied already. Mom had packed me first. _

_I turned toward the master bedroom, feeling a shift in temperature. He must have opened the door to the balcony, letting in the December chill. _

"_Elizabeth?" came his voice. He sounded off. Different. _

_I heard him choke back a sob. _

"_Elizabeth is that you?" _

_I rounded the corner to find my father on his knees by the bed. Beneath him was a smashed picture frame with my mother's photo. His knuckles were bloody. His face soaked with tears, and he's looking at me like...like he's my dad. _

_My dad. _

"_Oh, Edward thank God...where's your mother? I can't find her. I lost her, I can't find her...I can't..." he starts to cry again. _

_My stomach drops. _

_Now? Now of all times, he comes back? I'm torn in half. This is the man who murdered my mother, and he has no idea. This is my father, finally my father...and he's a total stranger to me. _

"_I don't know what I did. I don't know why she's not here. Did she leave me?" He looked up at me, so broken and confused. Like a man resurfacing from a coma after too many years. _

"_And you...you look so...different, Edward. Why do you look different? Are you going to leave me too?"_

"_Dad...?" is all I can muster. _

_Suddenly I'm exhausted, the weight of events hitting me like a fucking train. I come to my knees beside him carefully. _

"_She's not here." I explain. _

_He looks up at me and in his eyes he's a little boy. "Why?"_

"_You hurt her. You didn't mean to, but you hurt her." I cry._

_He inhales sharply and pain cripples his features. _

"_God, no! No, please...I'd never...I'd never..."_

_All at once he can't catch his breath. He's having a full on panic attack and I'm trying to talk him down. He's gasping for air as he cries. The pain is so clearly overwhelming him. I start to cry again too because what the fuck is happening to me? What the hell happened today? I need my mom. I need her. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to feel. _

"_It's okay." I keep saying to him. _

_But I'm so far from fucking okay, it's a mantra that means nothing. It is nothing. Nothing but sound coming from my mouth and disappearing into the freezing air seeping in from the terrace. _

"_I broke it." he says. "I broke it. I'm sorry I broke it. I ruined it."_

_He repeats himself over and over. His speaking becomes rushed and harsh, louder and louder and I finally yell, "Dad!" to quiet him. _

_He slumps forward, his head in his hands. _

_The two of us catch our breath. I'm beyond exhausted now. The adrenaline that had brought me here was depleted by too much emotion. I was sitting next to my father, the man who had been missing from my life for years now... the man who killed my mother only hours ago. And here I was, telling him everything was going to be alright. _

_How fucked was that? And how fucked was it that I had no one to tell me that anymore. No one to assure me I was okay. That everything would be alright. She was gone. She was taken away from me. And her last idea of me was that I was angry with her. That I wouldn't forgive her. _

"_Fuck..." I swore, feeling the need to scream. _

_It was eerily quiet. _

_Dad's breathing had come to back to normal. But he hadn't moved. He stayed there, holding his head. _

_Until...he started to laugh. _

"_You think cause you got a foul mouth that you're grown?"_

_No. No, don't. Dad. Please. _

"_Dad..."_

_Before I knew to put my hands up, his fist met my cheek. _

"_You little faggot. Did you really think you could leave?" he sneers, twisting my arm behind my back and knocking me face first into the wall. Despite his limp from where I knocked out his knee, he's still as strong as ever._

_My head was spinning and I was struggling to get out of his hold. _

"_She thought she could." He growled, his face close to my ear. He spits on my face as he speaks. "Little bitch thought she could leave me."_

_I swung my head back - hard. It hurt like a motherfucker when the back of my head collided with his forehead, but it was enough of a blow for him to loosen his hold. I fell to my hands and knees, spinning around to look frantically for the golf club. _

_He had me by my hair before I could reach it, delivering a swift kick to my ribs before throwing me onto the brick balcony terrace. I felt blood dripping down my face and into my eyes. I wiped them frantically as his figure approached. _

_When my vision cleared, he was holding one of my mother's potted plants over me. I barely rolled away in time as it smashed by my side. I was covered in dirt. Shards of terracotta skidded over my arms and shoulder, leaving thin gashes behind. _

"_I'm about done with you, boy." _

_I scrambled to my feet. The winter wind was now whipping in my ears and I became very aware that I needed to get away from the railing of this balcony. The drop was only one story, but only concrete was waiting below. _

_This man was not my father. He seemed certain of his victory, smirking at me calmly as I gasped for breath. He didn't seem to notice I'd changed our positions, aligning myself with the door back into the bedroom and away from the ledge. My head was throbbing in pain, the pulse of blood pounding in my ears. _

"_You're weak. You've always been weak. You and that whore. I have no patience for you. Do you understand me? This is my house."_

_He rushed at me, and I fell back just inside the terrace doors, landing close enough to the golf club that I could finally grab it. But he was fast, landing a blow right into my back that knocked the wind out of me. I flailed blindly behind me with the golf club, feeling the end of it connect with him somewhere. _

_It gave me just enough time to turn, wind up, and bring that golf club across his face. _

_Everything at the moment felt like slow motion. _

_The blow sent him stumbling backwards. Blood coursing from his mouth and nose._

_His feet tripping over the broken flower pot._

_The back of his legs hitting the balcony ledge. _

_The way his arms flailed to catch something, anything. _

_His body disappearing over the edge,_

_The sickening, cracking, thud. _

_I stood frozen for a full minute, not daring to move or breathe, suddenly totally alone. In the distance I could hear sirens approaching. _

_I finally took a breath and moved to the balcony ledge to look down. _

_There he was. Staring up at me with wide eyes. Unmoving. Surrounded by a halo of crimson. _

I could feel Bella gasp beside me and I couldn't look at her.

Now she knew.

"I spent the rest of that night in the hospital. I had to get treated for my wounds and of course answer questions. I couldn't really function though and the police decided to wait until the next day to get my full statement. I was in a haze. And despite all the confusion and pain, I felt...safe. He could never hurt me again. And then I felt guilt. It was my fault she died, and it was by my hand _he _died too. It was Esme and Carlisle that had called the police. She'd been expecting us once my mother had called her, and when we never showed...she knew something was wrong.

They'd known there was abuse, but never knew the full extent of it until after it was all over. Like I said, my mother truly held out hope. But in the end isolated herself and me to protect him. All she wanted was for us to be a family. To be...normal. Dad's disorder was a game changer. After the police investigation it was clear that it was self defense on my part, I was sent to live with the Cullens under strick supervision and mandatory counseling and grief therapy. I actually...I met your Dad."

Well. The truth was out. No sense in hiding anything now.

"What!?"

"Just a couple times. I didn't really remember him until I saw his picture on your mantle. He was...he was very kind. Told me to call him if I ever needed anything. He checked in on me a few times before I left Forks. I'm glad he didn't keep up with me, or else he would have seen how much I fucked up after moving in with the Cullen family. He'd never let me date you if he knew how much shit I got into. I was a trouble maker for a while there. I was hooked on pain killers for a while. I continued to smoke and drink a lot. I had to get my stomach pumped once though and after that I eased up. And once Esme introduced me to my art...well, let's just say I got a lot better at coping.

When I started living with Carlisle and Esme, I ended up learning a lot more about my dad's past. He'd been heavily abused as well as a child, although in worse ways than I'd experienced. He'd been sexually abused repeatedly. My therapist explained that sometimes when the mind can't deal with the traumas, it creates the personalities who can. Dad felt weak his whole life, it was the personalities that took over that were strong, unbeatable, always right, always in charge. They allowed him a control he'd never felt as himself. He just couldn't win his mind back. I think of that moment before he died, when he was himself. It was the first glimpse I'd had of the real him in years. And...he was just in so much pain."

I finally turned to really look at Bella. Her cheeks were wet with tears, eye lashes long and dewey. Her eyes were locked on me and so full of emotion, I couldn't read her.

"I realize this is a lot, Bella. And now that you know what happened, what I've done...it might change things for you. I can't honestly tell you I didn't want him dead because I did. But his death, my mother's death...the way it all happened has haunted me ever since. When I have an episode like I did this morning, I'm usually reliving the events...finding my mother, watching my dad disappear over the balcony. But it's all intertwined with good memories too. Memories of my Dad before he was lost. Of the way my Mom loved me, cared for me and defended me when she could. And it makes it more painful. The guilt...the regret...it's unbearable sometimes. It doesn't always make me a nice person...you've experienced that. I come with some damaged parts and if this...if this shit is too much for you...I want you to know that I understand."

Bella's arms were around me in an instant. She wrapped herself around me as she climbed right into my lap to face me and hold me. She held me with all her might and I could feel her shaking slightly underneath my hands.

She was crying.

That was all it took to throw me over the edge again. I gripped her tight to me, my arms completely encompassing her. I felt every bit of pain from those last days. The guilt, the regret, the shame, the fear. The _grief_.

And I felt _relieved_. Finally, she knew it all. Esme had pushed me to open up to _someone_ about it. I never knew how much weight would be lifted just from talking about it. I just ever bought into it. But she was right. And there was no one in the world I trusted more than Bella now. She'd changed everything.

She'd changed me.

When we'd calmed enough to look at one another, Bella held my face in her hands. Her eyes were focused and her voice was direct, putting my insecurities about her leaving me to rest.

"How I feel for you has not changed, Edward. If anything, I love you more than I did this morning. I don't see you as _damaged parts_, I only see the incredibly strong man who _survived_."


	23. Chapter 23

Wednesday morning I woke more groggily than usual. My apartment was freezing and my usual easy rising self was not in the mood. I burrowed deeper into the down blanket wrapped around me, still not feeling warm enough. I felt out of balance. Maybe it was because Edward wasn't next to me this morning, or maybe it was because I'd been off ever since the day before last, when all the secrets I'd been dying to know were finally revealed.

And they were _horrifying_.

I'd sensed it was bad, but I had no idea the kind of pain that Edward had endured for so long. It made sense to me now how stand offish he was toward me when I'd first met him. How long it took for him to trust me, how he felt that there were things about him that might hurt me or scare me, and pushed me away. But above all, it astounded me to know that after _all _of that...he could_ love_ me the way he does. He had always amazed me, but now that I really knew his history, I wasn't just amazed. I was in _awe_ of him. For surviving a hellish childhood, the horrific loss of both his parents in one night, for moving on, growing up, trying to have a life. For his gentleness with me, his protectiveness.

He was a _good_ man. Despite what he believed about himself, it was beyond clear to me he had a deep sense of love, right an wrong, self awareness. I was more in love with him than ever, and wished more than anything that I could ease his grief. It was still so raw. The lack of closure, the incredible guilt and regret...I wanted to lift his burdens from him and had no idea how.

My head had not stopped churning since I left his cottage the day before last. We'd spent the rest of the day together and I'd done my best to hide my worry and concern, trying only to bring some peace back to the day. We'd held each other for a long time in front of the fire, whispering words of love and comfort. Eventually I'd taken his hand and brought him upstairs once more, not knowing how to comfort him more without using my body.

It had been slow, thoughtful, profound, love making. We'd stripped each other of our clothes slowly, eyes still wet and shining with the remnants of tears. I let each touch speak for me.

_I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you alone. I love you. _

_We held each other like precious stones, gentle and reverently. Kissing every inch, every scar, every nightmare, every memory. When we finally connected, I felt the tears return to me, only to be kissed away by Edward, whose eyes shone like glass, brimming with the same emotions. _

"_I need you, Bella."_

"_I need you too." _

_I kissed him everywhere I could as he moved inside me, thinking somehow my kisses could mark him and protect him from any nightmare that might come, any memory that was too painful. _

_I couldn't hold him close enough. _

_His rhythm was steady sure, each thrust an igniting spark until finally I was aflame. He called out for me as he followed me over the edge. His voice, cracking just slightly as he gently rested on top of me. He made to move, thinking he was too heavy, but I held him in place, unwilling to disconnect from him just yet. _

"_I love you, Edward." _

_I meant it. I meant it so fiercely I could hardly figure out how to even begin to show him._

_I will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I will love you more than anyone. _

It was overwhelming how raw it all was. How much it meant to me. We'd fallen asleep afterward, Edward more exhausted than he would let on. I too, was drained emotionally and while worry still nagged at the back of my mind, I drifted to sleep beside him, completely wrapped up in his arms.

When we woke, the heaviness of the morning had lifted a little and Edward convinced me to bundle up and come outside with him. I could see him making a clear attempt to lift both of our spirits a little.

"_Where are we going?" I asked, pulling on my boots._

"_We're taking care of one of your bucket list items." he said with a grin._

"_Oh yeah?"_

"_Yep. You've never built a snowman and that's just...it's ridiculous. So we're fixing that because I don't know if I can date someone who has zero snowman building experience." he shrugged, the hint of a teasing smile in the corner of his mouth._

"_Ahh I see, well I guess I should get some experience to put on my resume." I cracked back. _

_When we were both fully dressed in suitable winter gear - half of which was too big on me as it belonged to him - Edward pulled me outside onto the porch, Bosley barking happily and bounding out into the fresh layer of snow from the night before. We'd gotten at least six inches since the night before and the fluffy white sugar continued to fall from the sky. _

_Edward pulled me close and kissed my nose. _

"_Let's just be us today, Bella. You know? Just...play. You deserve a shot at being a kid again." he said softly._

_I hummed in appreciation at his thoughtfulness._

"_So do you." I whispered, placing a kiss on his warm mouth. _

_Hand in hand, we headed out into the snow._

And we did play. One successfully built snow man and two snow angels later, we had checked off a piece of my bucket list. And it was fun, it really was. Both of us were trying extra hard to feel joy and we found that in each other. We laughed and teased and ran around the yard. We escaped the world for the afternoon. We _played_.

But I didn't forget. When we came inside and got out of our snow clothes in the mud room, I spotted the little family portrait on the wall by the baseboards once more. I remembered Edward's face - months ago now - when I'd first discovered it, how he'd shut me out completely. It made sense to me now. Edward never caught me looking at it thankfully, but it brought back an ache from the morning and more questions I knew I had to deal with myself. While my head was a mess, I_ did_ notice how much lighter Edward looked to me. I knew from the way he'd behaved all afternoon that finally sharing his past with me had set him free in a way. I'd certainly felt that way once I'd shared my own truth with him.

But _what if_... There were too many _what ifs'_ in my head. What if one of his parents were my donor? What if I told him we shared an anniversary of sorts, and he started to question _everything_ - just like I was? What if he ended up hating me? Resenting me?

...But what if this was fate?

Was I selfish to hope it was?

I'd left the shop closed that day to spend it with him. After a morning like that there was no way I was leaving him. But the noise in my head became louder as the evening came and I was afraid Edward would notice how uneasy I was. There was something about his story that seemed so familiar to me. Like my brain was trying to find this missing piece or link between us. The curiosity of whose heart I had was still present despite the fact that it was unlikely Elizabeth was my donor.

There was still a chance though...

Without talking to Carlisle and Esme, it would be impossible to know. I couldn't even be sure they had that information. It was certain Edward did not. If he had, it surely would have been at the fore front of his conversation with me. I couldn't even imagine how to ask the Cullens about such a sensitive subject. How would they react?

Towards the end of the evening I had a pounding headache. Edward noticed the pain in my face and took me home. He was beating himself up already thinking he'd kept me in the cold too long. I assured him I was alright, I just needed a shower and some rest. By the time he got me back to my apartment, it had turned into a full blown migraine. I wanted to cry at his gentleness as he helped me up the stairs and into the shower. He didn't even try anything as I stripped down, he just lovingly heated up the water for me, kissed my head and let me shower. When I came out, he'd laid out my meds, a glass of water. The man literally put me to bed, tucking me in and fussing over me entirely too much.

"_Are you sure you're comfortable? You're okay?" he said, looking me over again and placing the back of his hand on my head, checking for a fever. _

"_I'm okay, I promise." I said, wincing a little as my head screamed. I knew my headache was almost entirely stress related, but I'd never tell him._

"_Let me turn out the lights." he got up and crossed the room to switch the lights off. The darkness eased the ache behind my eyes. He disappeared for a moment, coming back with a cold compress for my head. _

"_God, that feels amazing. Thank you." I sighed as he placed it on my forehead, sitting in front of me on the side of my bed. I held his hand to my cheek. "I'm sorry I ruined the evening."_

"_Are you kidding me? You have nothing to be sorry for. It's my fault. I dumped all that shit on you this morning and then dragged you out into the cold. No wonder your brain hurts." he tried to laugh it off but I could see in his eyes how frustrated he was with himself. _

_I kissed his palm. _

"_Hey, I'm okay. Everybody gets a headache once in a while. I wouldn't trade today for anything." I assured him, smiling as best I could. _

_He leaned down, his lips only a breath away from my own. _

"_You mean it?" he whispered. I closed the distance between us, kissing him soundly. _

"_I mean it." I ran my fingers along his hair line. He kissed my hands before tucking the blanket it in tighter. I was starting to shiver a little from the chill in the room and he noticed. My eyes were heavy and my head was commanding my body to sleep. The last thing I remembered was him checking my thermostat and kissing me on the forehead one more time before leaving. _

"_I love you, Bella."_

The next day I'd made sure to get up early and catch up on work. It was good activity that allowed me to think and process more. I'd been given quite a bit of information all at once, and I had my own history to now link to it. Edward had been sending me texts throughout the day. He knew I was busy playing catch up and was checking to make sure I was alright. He told me he'd been hit with some inspiration would be in the studio if I needed him. I let him be.

He explained to me once how absorbed he gets in his work, sometimes disappearing for entire days to just paint or draw. Alice had mentioned it once too. She told me she tries not to take it personally if Edward doesn't get back to her for a day or too. He literally becomes so immersed in it he escapes.

He deserves that. I'd want an escape too.

I gave him a call before bed Tuesday night. I wanted to see him, but my head was still a wreck. We talked a bit and I knew he wanted to see me too. I found myself making up an excuse saying I needed to get up early the next day and I knew he would be up all hours of the night painting. I'd caught him on the phone right in the thick of it. From the excitement in his voice, he'd hit his stride and was consumed by his art all day. I told him to keep at it, that I'd see him soon. He reluctantly let me go. I knew he could feel me distancing myself, he wasn't stupid. I felt guilty lying to him, but I just couldn't get my head together.

One restless nights sleep later and here I was, moping in bed. I still was so absorbed in thought over all of this.

It was mind blowing to even try to wrap my head around what Edward had been through. I imagined losing Charlie. Even the thought of it crippled me with grief. And that was only a small fraction of the grief that Edward has carried with him for ten years.

I found myself angry with Elizabeth. How could she have let this continue? How could she have let Edward get hurt over and over again let alone herself? I remembered Edward saying how engrained the mental abuse was in her. How overwhelming her love for her husband was despite the circumstances.

If it were Edward and I, I wouldn't ever want to give up on him either. But I was not a mother and I had never really known what mother's love truly looked like until only a few months ago when I met Esme. She'd die for her children. I didn't know what it was to feel that yet, but I knew that if anything ever happened...I'd die for Edward.

And at the same time I was angry with Elizabeth, I was grateful to her. She'd instilled in Edward such a great capacity to love and protect. She was huge part of the man he was today. The man I was so in love with. And in the end she _did_ choose him. It was just too late.

I was finally able to pull myself out of bed and get myself to work. I threw myself into the first batch of arrangements, and spent the morning filling out an order sheet for some new greenery and exotics. When I took a lunch break from catching up with orders, I checked my phone.

I had a few missed texts from Edward.

'_Our snowman looks amazing, but Bos thinks it's a piss post now. It's bottom ball is lookin' kinda yellow.' -E_

I giggled. I felt bad I hadn't gotten back to him. I knew he had begun to notice something was up. We'd been with each other so much lately, it was weird to spend more than a day apart. Last night I had all but blown him off. I knew he could sense my hesitance. His texts gave away his concern.

_You doin okay? _ -_E_

Then another text two hours later:

'_Listen if you need some space I completely understand. I'll be in the studio most of today if you do need me.'_

My chest tightened. I had another missed text from Angela. She was coming into town soon. She wanted to spend my transplant anniversary with me. After knowing what Edward had gone through the same night...I didn't feel much like celebrating. He didn't even know our histories shared the date yet. Either way, I knew it would be good to see Ang. I could use a friend.

But I didn't call her. Automatically my fingers started to punch in Charlie's number.

I just...I just needed my dad.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad."

"How's my girl?"

I cut straight to the point.

"Edward Masen. Dad, you told me you didn't know him."

"Bells - I..." He paused. I waited expectantly, irritated that he hadn't been honest with me. "I wanted to respect his privacy. You sounded so happy on the phone and I just...it wasn't my story to tell."

"That's surprisingly hands-off of you." I scoffed.

"Well, as much as I hate to admit it. You're a grown woman now Bella. And I trust your judge of character. You don't need your old man interfering in your life so much anymore. From what I remember of Edward, he's a good boy. Troubled, but not a threat to you. If he were, I know you wouldn't pursue it and I would've said something. He's got one hell of a back story, but he's stronger for it. Much like you, baby. I kept up with keeping tabs on him for quite sometime, even after he'd moved. Longer than he probably thinks I did, I bet. He struggled for a bit, but he turned it around. He got his life together."

"How come you didn't tell me you knew him?"

"I didn't want to steer you in any direction. You have to make your own judgments. I myself could hardly judge him for his past. He had been abused for years and I'd never known. Your relationships are your choice, and I know that now. It's been hard for me in the past to accept that. I know Jake and I gave you more than your fair share of interfering. But I don't want you to be alone Bells. Not like I was."

I was so grateful he'd found Sue. I didn't want him to be alone either.

"Also, Sue kind of talked me out of saying anything. Something about letting things bloom where they are planted or somethin..." he laughed. I smiled, knowing full well Sue had a _lot_ to do with Charlie easing up on me and letting me make my own decisions. Especially when it came to men.

"He told me everything, Dad." my voice cracked, as I started to feel tears rise.

"It's not a pretty story, kiddo. And I still only know the case side of it, I can only imagine what he's been through personally. His father's death...the circumstances...Edward _had_ to defend himself. I truly don't believe he killed his father in cold blood. The signs of struggle in the house and the bad shape Edward was in afterwards were enough evidence that the fight was extremely physical. Not to mention the way his mother died. Marcus Masen was not a good man - not when he did that. I could barely get a few words out of Edward when I did see him. He was still in a haze of shock. Confused. Disoriented. But he had a lot of good in him. And the Cullens are a good family. I knew he'd be in good hands."

"So, you already knew Carlisle and Esme?" I remembered vaguely introducing them at the hospital gala.

"I'd met them briefly. I was still in and out of the hospital with you at the time and I wasn't the officer handling the case. I don't think they recognized me at the gala. At the time I'd met them, they were planning a funeral and handling the legal work involved. It was a mess. You were in recovery when I'd checked into the station about a week later and got updated on current cases by my guys. Edward's case stood out to me. He was sixteen, young like you. And I just felt pulled to offer a hand and keep him in sight. We'd just been given a miracle for you, and this boy had lost everything in the same day. I felt...like I owed him some how."

"I can't even believe how crazy this all is. Dad, I'm nervous that...I'm nervous that maybe I have his mother's heart...or his fathers...this all happened the same night as my transplant. What if..."

"She was dead at the scene before Edward even found her, baby. Too much time had passed for any of her organs to be usable. And from what I know of Marcus Masen, I know enough to confidently say he was not a man who would sign up to be an organ donor. There's no way. Neither of them could have donated to you. Honey, you can't over think this, you'll stress yourself out and get sick over it and I won't have that. You have something good going in your life. Don't let irrational fear destroy it. Your donor was in that bus accident that night, God rest their soul."

A wave of peace and relief washed over me. I felt like I could breathe again. Dad was right. He always was. Everything he was saying made sense.

"I really...I just...I really love him, Dad." I breathed, feeling emotions rise to the surface again.

"Then he must be doing something right." he laughed. "I'm happy for you, honey. Now let yourself enjoy it, Bella. Stop worrying and let yourself _live_. I'm assuming Edward knows about _your _past as well?"

"He does."

"So it's safe to say things are pretty serious..."

"Yes. He's...he's different, Dad." I sighed. I felt a weight lift from me, my father's wisdom setting me free with relief.

"When am I meeting him again? I mean, I trust you, but...if I need to put the fear of God in him I will."

I laughed and felt whole again.

After hanging up with him, I immediately called Edward, needing to hear his voice. I didn't want to put it off a minute longer. I was flooded with relief and my worries were put to rest significantly. I needed him.

He didn't answer his phone, so I figured he was caught up in his work.

Screw it.

I usually didn't drive unless I really had to. Something about being on the road made me uneasy. Luckily, when I moved to Riverdale, I was in walking distance of just about everything I needed. But with the winter now in full season, and the distance to Edward's house, I knew I needed a vehicle to get around. Unfortunately, my vehicle was the flower delivery truck. The goofy little green thing was endearing in it's own way, but hardly a sexy car.

I threw myself together as quickly as I could, flipped the closed sign on my front door, grabbed my bag, and dashed out through the snow to the back of the building. It was frigid out and I impatiently scraped off the truck, anxious to get to Edward. It was like this dark cloud had lifted from me, I could finally think clearer, and all I wanted was him. I was done mentally toiling for the day.

I was at Edward's within ten minutes.

I jumped out of the truck as soon as I'd parked, not even bothering to lock it as I ran towards the back porch door. I flew up the steps and knocked on his door.

No answer. No sign of Bosley either.

"Edward?"

My heart sank. His car was in the driveway, but there was no sign of him at the house.

I peeked around the edge of the porch, wondering if I was missing something. Just when I was starting to get nervous, I heard Bosley barking in the distance.

I turned around to see him scurrying down the boat dock to come and see me. I looked to the boat, spotting Edward's copper top head pop up.

I hurried down the porch steps, over the pebbled beach and to the pier, greeting one happy dog and catching a breath taking grin from one handsome man. I saw the happy surprise on his face as he came up from the lower level of the boat. It looked as if he was in the middle of winterizing the vessel. Half of the top cover was rolled out on the bow.

It wasn't a yacht, but it was a sturdy boat with enough room for a top deck and a small cabin underneath. The paint was a pale grey blue and white. Thick black letters with the name Elizabeth, bold and emblazoned on it's side. I'd never noticed that before. When I came to the boat, I had to take a deep breath. Just looking at Edward, there was so much I wanted to say but somehow couldn't.

I felt my stomach tighten as I watched his breath cloud in the cold air. He was wrapped in a thick scarf and his black winter peacoat. His hair was it's usual perfect disarray. His jeans were splattered with paint.

"Bella?" He was happy to see me, but I could see some hesitance in his face too.

I'd never replied to his texts.

"Permission to come aboard?" I asked breathlessly. Suddenly I was nervous. I'd pulled back in the last day and a half, and I'd be stupid to pretend he hadn't noticed. It didn't seem like much time, but for us it was an obvious draw back on my part.

He smiled softly and climbed up onto the top deck, stretching his arms out to bring me on board. As soon as his hands found mine, I felt myself breathe again. Without missing a beat, I stepped on to the boat and immediately wrapped my arms around him tight, almost knocking him backwards.

"Hi-whoa..." he chuckled at my forwardness, but I felt his arms encircle me. His lips met the top of my head. We took a deep breath at the same time. My cheek felt warmer against the gentle scratch of his wool coat.

I'd planned out a rough, rather lengthy apology in the truck on the ride over, but when I pulled back and looked into those striking green eyes, my speech was out the window.

"I'm sorry." I whispered simply, gently holding his face with both mitten covered hands. "I've been far away since the other day."

He shrugged. "You came back. That's all I need." he said simply, smiling at me.

"You shared _everything_ with me and I just-"

He stopped me, his fingers on my lips.

"You listened. Held me. Cried with me. Made love to me. Bella...you." he paused to look me over, his eyes dancing over my face. "You're _everything_ to me. And this is a lot...I know it's a lot. And if you needed time, if you still need time I completely-"

It was my turn to cut him off. But I did so with my mouth.

I kissed him hard. So soundly. So fully. I did not want a single ounce of doubt in his mind about how much I _didn't_ need time. I just needed _him_.

"Bella I -"

"Shut up." I silence him once more. My favorite thing in the world to do was kiss Edward Masen and he was interrupting me. I kissed him until I felt dizzy, foregoing air. I kissed him deeply, with every ounce of _I love you_ and _I'm sorry_ that I could muster in a kiss. When I finally did take a breath, I looked up into his eyes to find him dazed and heavy lidded, green eyes suddenly darker.

I thought for a moment then, that maybe I should tell him we shared an anniversary. He was honest with me, I should be honest with him.

"I don't need time, Edward. I thought I did, but I should tel-"

This time he silenced _me_.

The warmth of his mouth.

His tongue.

The pressure of his hands on my back and in my hair. His arms so completely surrounding me.

We broke apart, breathless. Without his mouth on mine for even a moment, I felt cold again. He lifted his hand to sweep my hair back and placed his palm on my neck, his thumb stroking gently along my jawline. Eyes only on me, running over my eyes, my cheeks, my mouth...

"Would you like the grand tour?" he asked with a smile.

"Aye, aye, Captain." I laughed.

He kissed me once more before whistling for Bosley, who perked up on the dock. Never letting go of my hand, Edward opened a compartment and rustled around until he found a large piece of rawhide. Bosley jumped on board and settled down on his belly with the treat.

"Good boy. Stay here." he instructed quickly with a smile, before leading me down into the cabin.

We walked past a tiny bathroom door into the main room, the short walkway cramped. Edward and I both had to hunch down as to not hit our heads. Down two more quick steps into the bedroom and there was a little more headroom available. Edward let go of my hand to close the door and let me look around.

"Uh, yeah. This is it. Home away from home, I guess." he said, raking his hand through his hair.

The bed took up the majority of the space, covered in an inviting looking flannel comforter and fleece throw. Soft pillows and jersey knit sheets so gentle to the touch. It was homey and inviting. I wanted to be in that bed as soon as I saw it - preferably naked and with Edward...also naked.

A small pull out table and kitchenette had already been packed away to the left of the bed. Two round port hole windows on either side of the room let in streams of pale, afternoon light. It was a tiny little cabin, but it was perfect.

Edward stood in the corner by the door, stuffing his hands in his pockets and watching me. He kicked a small space heater to life in the corner of the room. I'd wandered to the right side of the bed, stopping to look out the port hole window before I'd turned around and caught him staring. He smiled at me, almost bashfully at first, but then his stare became something else. Something I recognized. All at once the room was charged with a familiar electricity.

Of all the things I'd planned to say, I knew now that neither of us needed to say a thing to understand what was about to happen.

I was going to have him on this boat. And he knew it too.

It was all communicated in one long look.

I smiled softly at him, dropping my bag by the window. Never losing his gaze, I reached down to unzip my boot and throw it off the side. Then the other. I thought I saw his adams apple bob as I took off my coat and started to unbutton my cardigan. I felt the boat bob gently beneath me.

Piece by piece I undressed. At first, Edward stayed put, only watching. The expression on his face made warmth pool between my legs. It was equal parts desire, love, and...something else.

_Gratitude_. When he looked at me, I felt like the most valued thing in his world. But in his gaze there was also an undertone of unadulterated lust that had me weak in the knees.

He was like a statue watching me, so still in the corner of the cabin. But the hum of the energy in the room despite his stillness was enough to make my cheeks flush. I had only a split seconds doubt, wondering if I was embarrassing myself. But by the time my breasts were bare and I was reaching the top button of my jeans, Edward moved, raising a hand, gesturing for me to wait.

In three strides he was in front of me, his bare hands on my hips, pressing me to him.

"I want to do that." he said in a low voice.

His forehead rested on mine and his eyes closed. An almost pained expression knit in his brow, his jaw clenching and unclenching. It was his I-want-you-so-badly-face that made my breath catch. My heart was fluttering in my rib cage. Our noses brushed, lips so close. Only a breath away. It was the almost kiss, the lingering moment where all you can do is touch and caress and breathe each other in before you fall over the edge.

Dragging my hands slowly up his chest, I found the buttons on his coat. I finally captured his lips as it fell to the floor behind him. A moan escaped my mouth as the kiss grew and our tongues met. I could feel the goose bumps break out on my skin. His kiss was so dizzyingly consuming that I could only think..._there is nothing better than this. I don't want anyone but him_.

He ditched his shirt, instantly wrapped me in his arms, and pulled my chest flush against his own. I felt my nipples stand at attention and I knew he did too, as a deep groan resonated in his throat at the contact. I could not get enough. My mouth found his neck and collarbone. His hands were in my hair and splayed on my back. Mine were running along the expanse of his shoulders and down his chest.

Pulling me impossibly closer, I gasped as I felt his hand travel over my right breast so gently, hands cool from the winter outside. His hands meandered down my stomach and towards the warmth between my legs. His mouth was on my neck when he finally cupped me through my jeans. My breathing stuttered and I couldn't keep the soft moan in my chest to myself.

In one graceful movement, Edward eased backwards, sitting on the edge of the bed in front of me, never letting go of my hips. I stood in between his legs as he covered my stomach in warm, languid, kisses. The heat of his mouth on my body sent chills up my spine. I felt his hands find the zipper on my jeans and pull it down. His thumb lingered over my panties for a moment, rubbing over the fabric just over my clit. His other hand was on the small of my back, pulling me closer as he continued to kiss my middle.

My hands raked through his hair and I heard a low growl come from his chest. He looked up at me, his chin resting on me and his green eyes alight. The corner of his mouth lifted in that small, crooked smile and he shimmied my jeans off me and to the floor. His hands running down the length of my legs as they fell.

I pushed on his shoulder until he laid back on the bed, pulling me with him until I was straddling him. I smiled as I leaned down to cover him with my body, needing his lips again. I felt his hands on my back moving down to my ass. I ground my hips down against him. I could feel him underneath me, hard and straining against his jeans. My hands came between us to unfasten his zipper.

Between the two of us, we wriggled him out of his jeans and underwear. Once he was bare, he wasted no time in sliding me out of my panties and pulling back the covers for us to get underneath. The space heater was starting to work, but the room still held a chill. I could see his skin covered in goosebumps too.

We laid on our sides, facing one another as he pulled the flannel comforter over us. I was freezing and nuzzled into his neck, continuing to kiss him along his jaw. His hands trailed down my thigh until he reached just behind my knee, hiking my leg up over his hip. I could feel the wetness building between my legs. I needed him.

Covering his mouth with mine, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled myself closer until I could feel him between my legs. We both gasped at the contact, the warmth.

"Baby...I..." he breathed. My heart swelled hearing him call me this and I kissed him again. I couldn't stop touching him. When we pulled away for air, he lowered his head to pull one straining nipple into his mouth. As his mouth worked, his hand came around the thigh pulled over his hip, to touch me where I needed him the most. Cool fingers rubbing against wet, heated, folds, and a bundle of nerves screaming for more.

I felt my hips begin to roll against him in rhythm, aching for the friction I needed. Aching to feel him. My hands touched every part of him I could, not feeling right unless his skin was underneath them. It was this dance, our bodies pushing and pulling, mouths and hands, the sway of the boat giving the room even more of a pulse.

I thought I might explode.

He pulled away for a moment, nose pressed to mine, the two of us panting. His fingers still sliding along me, making me writhe against him.

"I know it's only been a day or two, but _goddamn_." he breathed, "I missed this. Does that make me pathetic?" he chuckled a little.

His thumb pressed a tight circle around my clit. I sucked in a gasp, feeling my hips jerk in response. Edward groaned, watching me.

"No..." I panted. "What it makes is two of us." I smiled, reaching between us to wrap my hand around him.

"Bella..." he sighed, bringing his mouth to mine again.

Our warm bodies seemed to bleed together, disappearing in each other. Surfacing from the all consuming current only to breathe. Holding each other so tightly, pressing, rubbing, touching.

I couldn't stand another moment waiting for him to have me.

"Edward, p-please...I can't wait, I need you." I breathed, barely enough air in my lungs to get the words out. I pushed my hips forward, feeling his length between my legs.

"Fuck..." I heard him groan. I could feel him push back with his hips, his cock sliding along my slit. He reached down between us to align himself with me.

Once the tip of him had found me, he paused to wrap me up tight in his arms, eyes locked on mine. Slowly he pushed himself deeper. He never looked away from my eyes, searching them for response as my body molded itself around him. The two of us, on our sides, facing one another, joined.

_This_. This was what being complete felt like.

My hands wound their way through his hair as I rested my forehead against his, gasping as I felt him pull out and re-enter me. I lifted my leg higher around his waist, granting him more access as he moved. His pace was slow and deep at first, hands on my back and hips, mouth finding my breasts once more. My head fell back against the pillows as his tongue moved in circles around my tight nipples. His thrusts became stronger and quicker.

Between the motion of us and the motion of the boat, I felt weightless as Edward rolled me to my back. My knees widened and came up higher, the rest of me wanting more of him deeper still.

I never stopped kissing him, not if I could help it. Although, I felt myself becoming louder as the pace increased. There was no modesty or control over the noises he brought out of me. My hips pulsated towards his, and my stomach jerked as I felt the tightening in my stomach begin.

"Edward...fuck, I..." words escaped me.

His rhythm was mesmerizing to watch. Hips moving in such a perfect way, muscles contracting and letting go. Time meant nothing. Everything just continued to build and build between us. Needing more... always needing more. I could feel my body anticipating what was about to happen. My core tightened as I felt my release just within reach.

Suddenly, he pulled out of me, leaning back on his knees. I whimpered at the loss of contact. But the sight of him there...naked, glistening, breathing heavily, his cock standing at attention, kneeling between my legs...

I all but screamed as he lifted my hips off the bed and to his awaiting mouth. One long stroke of his tongue straight up the center of my folds. Kisses along my thighs and pelvis...I was coming undone.

His mouth continued to work me until I was shaking, on the very precipice of release. I vaguely understood that I was cursing and moaning. My breath was ragged and my abdomen jerked and tightened again. So close.

Sensing this, he let loose his grip on my hips, bringing them back down to the bed. Not even a breath later and he was inside me again. This time, moving faster and harder. I held on to him tightly, cheek pressed to his. My legs wrapped around his waist, encouraging his pace. I felt his muscles begin to twitch and tremble. My own were doing the same. I could feel how close he was. He had only to let go and I knew I would follow him over the edge.

Lips just next to his ear, I could barely breathe the words out.

"E-Edward...I'm going to come..."

I knew he never expected the dirty phrase from me by his response. A loud groan answered me, followed by another increase in pace, the two of us almost frantic.

"Shit...Bella..."

A shudder ran through me as I felt it, taking both of us at the same time. Sound erupted from my mouth as I came, hard. I had no control over my muscles jerking and twitching with orgasm. Edward's face was inches away, brows knit, the vein in his neck standing out as he felt it all with me, finally releasing. He never stopped watching me, and I could do little to keep myself from watching him too.

Edward Masen in orgasm was a sight to see. Jaw taught, eyes blazing. The low growl in his chest rumbling through me. The blankets had fallen off of us, exposing us both completely. We certainly were not cold any longer.

Good, _God_.

I felt absolutely useless, unable to put much effort into moving. My legs were still spread wide around him, my head had fallen back on the pillow. Edward leaned over me, hands on either side of my shoulders, holding himself up above me. I closed my eyes for a moment, a smile on my face. I could feel him watching me.

"Jesus Christ." he whispered, his breathing still coming back to normal. "Watching you come has got to be my favorite thing in the whole world."

I opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me. He leaned forward, placing kisses on my breasts softly - still teasing me a little as his tongue flicked over my nipple here and there. He pulled out of me and I moaned again at the loss of him. He settled down to rest his head on my rib cage, his fingers blazing trails over my breasts and down my scar.

We were silent for a few minutes, basking in the little glow we'd created.

"Why do you keep this a secret?" he asked softly, curiously. "Why hide this?"

I sighed, running my fingers through his hair.

"I never wanted to be treated like the sick kid." I explained honestly. "I don't want pity, or sympathetic looks. I guess I just...don't want to be seen as weak. I've spent a long time being labeled as a fragile girl and I don't want that to be what defines me."

He listened to me intently, but his expression challenged me. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke.

"When you first told me, I didn't for a second, see you as weak. In fact the opposite is true. I knew you were a fighter. A survivor. It absolutely defines you - but not in the way you believe people perceive you. If I were you, I would wear it with pride."

I felt a lump form in my throat. Somewhere deep down I knew he was right. Maybe my fear of what others would think was completely off. Maybe it was an unnecessary secret to carry. But it was more than just that. It was a fear that had been rooted in me a long time ago.

"But...it's why she left. My mom. I didn't want...I don't want people to leave." I was trying not to cry. Edward pulled his body up over mine until his face was right in front of me. A traitorous tear made its escape down my cheek.

"Not true." Edward said softly, as his thumb swept the tear away. "She left because she was a fucking blind idiot. She couldn't see what was in front of her because she could only see herself. I _see _you, Bella. I see you and there is nothing weak or helpless about you. And I'm not going anywhere."

He leaned down to kiss me and I smiled against his warm mouth.

"You know, you are the same thing to me Edward. A survivor." I said as we parted again. His eyes became vulnerable.

"And even though I know you don't want to hear it again, I'm sorry I distanced myself yesterday. It wasn't because of you, it was _me_. I'm baffled by what you've been through...and how much love you are capable of in spite of it all. You amaze me everyday. I just didn't know how to process all of it at once."

I took a breath, ready to tell him why. Ready to tell him that our pasts shared one very significant date.

But before I could, the sound of Bosley's keening whine outside the door caught our attention. Edward let out a long breath and smiled at me.

"If he stays on the boat too long he gets sea sick." Edward said with a humorous grin. He kissed me forehead. "Bella, I love you. And it's okay. Everything is okay."

I let out the breath I was holding and laughed as I watched him get up and start to put his pants on. There would be another time. I replayed my father's voice on the phone, telling me to enjoy what I have in my life. To not stress so much.

I _certainly_ enjoyed my afternoon.

"Oh, I'd say everything is _more_ than okay after what you just did to me." I laughed. I wrapped the sheet around me and came up on my knees in the bed, wound my arms around his shoulders where he sat on the bedside and kissed his neck.

His grin was beaming and just a _hint_ smug.

"Oh yeah?" he chuckled.

I'd never really considered myself sexy until I'd started dating Edward. And the more time I spent with him the more confident I became. Each time, testing the waters just a littler more. I loved to see his reactions, to gauge what he liked most. I was getting to understand myself so much better in the bedroom. And as it turned out, I may have discovered a tiny inner sex goddess. Once in a while, I was confident enough to let more and more of her out.

Nibbling on his ear a little, I whispered, "_You're welcome to fuck me like that any time you like, Masen._"

I giggled first at myself and then at the way his ears turned red. He let out a breathy sigh, turned to look at me.

"You can be sure I will." he answered with a lust laced tone. He turned to press his nose to mine, inches away from a kiss. "If it weren't for Bos, I'd have you again..._right now._"

Please. Please, do.

I kissed him, taking my time to savor every bit of his taste. Determined, selfishly, to keep him in bed. It was my cell phone this time that interrupted us.

I groaned and Edward let out a sigh. Bosley cried outside.

I kissed his nose and leaned across the bed to pull my cell phone from my bag. It was a text message from Alice.

"It's your sister." I said. "I forgot I'd promised to go dress shopping with her tonight for Esme's Christmas party on Friday. I have to go meet her."

"God, I can't believe we're actually going to that thing. Do we really have to?"

He pulled his shirt over his head and I searched the floor for my panties.

"You know how happy Esme will be to see you."

He grunted in response, locating my underwear with a sly smile. He came to hand them to me but before I could take them, he was helping me step into them and watching me with dark eyes as he slid the thin fabric up my legs.

"Besides...a new dress usually calls for new lingerie. Don't you want to know what I'll be wearing?" I said with an innocent smile.

I dropped the sheet from my chest to emphasize my point, flashing him a look at my bare breasts before turning to find my the rest of my clothes.

I grinned as I heard him growl behind me.

The two of us finished dressing and went up to top deck to relieve poor Bosley, who looked just about ready to hurl. Edward knew the boat would be warmer for him while we were on board, but didn't want to keep him on it too long. With a few minutes walk on the solid beach, Bos was back to his normal waddle and up to the porch to get warm inside. Edward walked me to my car, dragging out our goodbye with long kisses that made it almost impossible to leave.

Two more texts from Alice, and I knew I had to get going. I watched him stand at the end of his driveway in my rear view mirror, smiling with eyes on me until I'd turned out of sight and around the bend.

**Thank you guys for sticking with me! And thank you for the kind reviews and any interest you've taken in this story. I appreciate the feedback so much. There is much more to come. I love this story and have much more in the works for our Bella and Edward. Hope wherever you are, you are having a wonderful day. **


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